WASHINGTON - The war of the sexes escalated on Wednesday when the all-powerful XX Chromosome Congressional Caucus introduced fast-track legislation that will require men to watch videos that graphically portray the consequences of heterosexual activity at great length.
Passage of the legislation is a given because it is backed unanimously by every hetero- or bi-sexual woman in the country. The XX Caucus is threatening indefinite headaches and crossed legs by more than 100 million women if the legislation is not passed by the weekend.
"I thought it was just another sex ed, or maybe even porn flick, no big deal. But it's much worse than that. This is an invasion of a man's private thoughts, between him and his maker," said X.Y. Zeus, chairman of the Old School Sexual Relations Conference. "It's all about what can happen as a result of entering into sexual relations with a woman. It takes about three days to get through it all, and it's pretty discouraging."
The first film, which sources say drags on for four hours but feels like a phase of life, is a portrayal of a virgin deflowered under misleading pretenses. "The long and short of it is that the young woman follows the man around, even as a memory, like a disconnected shadow seeking to reconnect, pining for love that was promised but is not forthcoming," said Zeus. "It's painful to watch."
"After that comes another long film about a couple, subsequent to entering into consensual sexual relations, where they live together, 'in sin,' so to speak. Everything is so energetic, brimming with give and take at the start, and then the lies - little at first, stuff like how attractive a few extra pounds look on the other, 'not tonight I don't have the energy,' recognitions that quirks of character so easy to overlook initially are the tips of character flaws - all come creeping in, until it's time to get married, or move on...It's deadening," said Zeus.
"But if the second one is deadening," Zeus lamented shaking his head, "the last is hell. It's about a married couple. It opens with the couple at the altar, misgivings crowding the backs of their minds, betrothing one to the other, in front of family and friends, until death parts them.
"And then what seemed so sure, so certain, begins to erode. The sex begets children. The children are the best form of birth control. Interest lags. Dryness enters the relationship. Lies leading to betrayals enter. The relationship is held together by...well, by wishing they're doing the right thing, even when they know they're not, really, and while simultaneously engendering pretensions of perfection in the children..." Zeus' voice trailed off.
"And the last films...they're just unmentionable. They're a liturgy of suffering, of dwindling moments of happiness, ever briefer and dimmer..."
With a dazed and distant expression, Zeus stood slowly and turned to leave.
"It's not what I wanted to see. It's depressing. All I want to do is go out and get laid."