NEW YORK - Baseball's MVP Ryan Braun Thursday dodged a 50-game suspension for elevated testosterone levels because his urine sample was stored in a residential refrigerator over a weekend.
The decision to reverse Major League's Baseball suspension of the star outfielder was made by independent arbitrator Shyman Das, who decided in Braun's favor despite the outfielder's record T/E ratio of 20:1. A T/E ratio of 1:1 is considered normal in the general population. Cyclist Floyd Landis was disqualified from the Tour de France for a T/E ratio of 11:1.
However, ZxZ has learned of unusual circumstances surrounding Braun's sample. Detective Sherlock Holmes, brought in to sort out the chain of unfortunate events, revealed that Braun's urine sample was put in the refrigerator at the apartment occupied by Dr. John Hamish Watson, who was charged with overnighting the sample via UPS to the testing lab.
"That's when things got interesting," said Holmes.
"What happened to Braun's urine?" Das asked.
"Mrs. Hudson, Watson's housekeeper, drank it," Holmes told Das.
"Drank it!?" coughed Das.
"Yes. She said it smelled like Thai lemon grass soup. She was feeling a little peckish when she arrived to clean the apartment. Watson has an understanding with Mrs. Hudson that she is at liberty to partake of food and drink in the fridge. So, she heated Mr. Braun's urine on the stove and had it as soup," Holmes explained to the appellate panel.
"My God. The poor woman. What happened to her?" asked Das.
"She woke up in the morning in the body of a male Olympian," Holmes winked, "including a substantial endowment. She's a masher with a stick in her hands and just led the English cricket team to a shutout victory over Pakistan in a test match."
"But what was sent to the lab, then?" queried Das.
"When Watson returned to his quarters, he immediately recognized his mistake. He retrieved the Styrofoam cup that had contained Braun's urine and filled it with Budweiser, and submitted that to the lab," Holmes said.
"For the sake of the Babe, Budweiser has a T/E ratio of 20:1?" asked Das.
"That we're not sure about," said Holmes. "You see the 20:1 could have been Braun, or it could have been the Clydesdales. We're just not certain at this point."
"What am I to do?" Das asked.
"If you will permit me, there is other evidence I have compiled on Mr. Braun," Holmes said.
"Proceed," said Das.
"According to records, Mr. Braun has passed approximately 20 previous tests without a hint of impropriety," Holmes said. "But, anecdotally, we were able to document from several teammates an instance during the team's urine-testing practice when the subject stood on the ledge of the home stadium's upper deck and urinated into a small Styrofoam cup on the dugout roof, without a single drop failing to hit the target, with no spillage.
"The other outfielders on the team also confirmed that the group stands on the edge of the outfield warning track to see how far across the 12 foot strip the players can project their streams of urine. One of the players reached the wall on a single occasion, and two more reached up the wall one foot. But, our Mr. Braun was able to propel every drop completely over the 15 foot outfield fence," Holmes reported.
"As regards his sexual prowess..."
"No, no more," interrupted Das. "We can't suspend the league's MVP for 50 games because he can piss over the outfield wall from the grass."