Special to ZingedxZ.com
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION - I taught Mittens everything he knows. Well, let's just say I tried to teach him.
Sure, Ann taught him a few commands such as heel, the way she got him to come back from Europe while he was doing missionary work by dating someone else and letting it be known that he'd loser her if he didn't heel.
And the way she pushed him into politics - although I guess you'd call that fetch, more than heel. She did teach him a few tricks.
But I taught him to roll over. I tried to teach him to speak, and beg. But those last two are tough tricks to master.
Before I tell you about that, let's get clear on that ride on the roof. The Romneys will tell you I loved it. Are you kidding? Ever seen a dog scramble up to the roof of a car when you offer to take it on a ride?
You think I pooed all over the windshield as an expression of pleasure? When was the last time you saw anyone - dog or man - so happy they _ _ _ _ themselves?
But I digress. Many have already noted that Mitt reminds them of a dog, eager to please whatever audience is in front of him. In a way, they're right. I saw this quality in Mittens, first. Even before Ann. She just knew he'd do whatever she demanded.
But, I brought out the rollover in him. That was the first thing I noticed about him. Abortion, healthcare, gun control, Mittens knows how to roll over and spring to his feet with that "I did it for you" look in his eyes. I taught him that.
But, you know, he does it to excess. I didn't teach him that. In fact, I can't break him of it. When a trick like that is overdone, it's not special any more. Even worse, everyone comes to expect you to roll over all the time. It's a vicious cycle.
I tried to teach him to speak. Every owner loves to hear their dog speak. They think it's a sign of intelligence. And, to be fair, most dogs do speak intelligently. But not all. For instance, I knew this poodle that used to say the stupidest things because he wasn't at ease with the other dogs.
That poodle would want to bet a bag of dog treats over something dumb, knowing full well the rest of us couldn't match the bet. He'd brag about dogs he knew in the nicer neighborhoods, said he didn't care about the bastards and bitches in the pound because they were getting fed.
Much as I hate to admit it, but every time I look at Mittens, I see that poodle.
Begging is an essential skill for a dog. It helps to have hound ears because they can be dropped adding pathos that can't be matched by any German shepherd. And the eyes, a dog can get a big marrow-filled bone every night with the right eyes. A little whimper, as if it just couldn't be repressed, is good, too.
Nixon had it down with Checkers. That's what I'm talking about. Even General Eisenhower, who launched the largest landing in the history of war, couldn't say, "no" to the Checkers Nixon. People forget that.
But Mittens wouldn't listen to me on this. No, he's got to stand on his two hind legs and bark at the world that he's not going to apologize for eating steak every night, riding in a nice car, knowing all the big dogs, and having a nice house on each coast. Bad form.
But then I remember that we shouldn't criticize a dog too harshly for teetering if it walks on its back legs. We should be favorably impressed that he does it at all.