Latest Open Salon Blog

Happy F*cking Holidays --- Santa lost his job this year!

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 02:11:19 -0500

Happy fucking holidays my dear lovely readers.

Doesn't it seem like that the holidays come rushing at us earlier and earlier every year?

I mean, when I was a kid, Thanksgiving was the official start of the holidays, a time to go out, steal some presents from the neighbors' houses(well, actually, we'd go out to the country club, better presents than in Bumblefuck!), cut down a tree from in front of the county courthouse and began fearing that tradition of where mom and pop got depressed cause well, Pop lost his job down at the plant, and it seemed that Santa Clause worked at that same "God damn fucking plant".

Every year it would seemed Santa was having bad economic times. There were no Rock em Sock em robots, no Atari nothing, no horsey I could call Trigger.

And it seems that Santa, even after I've grown up and have my own place to hang my stocking, well, that fucker still doesn't have a job and can't afford to buy me nothing.

So now it seems, the merchandisers and the ad agencies figure it's better to start the start of the Season of Noel and Leon at a earlier time, most of them start putting their stuff out around January 1st and run it all year till we're crying and screaming, going up to the mall and kicking the guy who was dumb enough to get in the suit.

I won't tell you where I kick em, but let us just say, it's below the belt. And also Tink is no longer allowed within a 100 yard radius of Riverside Mall and its holdings.

No, THANK you Mr. Kringle!! And a Ho! Ho! OH JESUS THAT ASSHOLE JUST KICKED ME IN THE NUTS!!!!

Christmas time use to be a fun time for me. Going around, looking at all the decorations(that other people have put up!! That shit is tough to do and wifey and I discovered we don't work well with each other the same way my folks and her folks have learned that they don't work well with each other!), singing carols(like SUICIDE IS PAINLESS, YOUR MOM IS A WHORE, and THREE PIMPS ARE WE!), yes, it was a fun time for Tink, even though Santa was a broke ass bitch who didn't make it to the cheese line in time.

What happened?

I'm not sure. There were happy times such as the year Pop discovered that the Wilsons' over across the way left their back door unlocked and we got some presents then.

Of course, the Wilsons had to suffer but hey, isn't that what Christmas is about? Giving? Sharing?

Man, you should have heard the words that Fran Wilson used on that day?

Who knew fucking had three Fs in it.

Or the time, okay, every day that ended in Y, mom would find Pop making out with his "secretary" from the plant, even though Pop was a front line inspector and didn't have a secretary.

Or the time Mayor Sid declared our property a toxic waste dump and we had to move because well, EPA was like, "Well I'm sorry Mr. Tink, you'll have to move!!!! The smelter plant dumped 40 years of arsenic on this land before they sold it to your grandpappy in 1982!!"

And man was Pop pissed cause they only offered him true value of the land which was like $12.37!!

Pop went down to the nursing home we had grandpappy in and was like, "Old man, did you know it costs us 12 cents a year to keep your ass in Happy Flea Gardens? Yeah, well, if we gotta move, you gotta move too!"

Man, people say the dump smells bad but we had a tree and gifts and everything that year.

Happy Holidays indeed, Pfffffffft.

Good night and have a better tomorrow.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 02:11:18 -0500

Frozen Ham Chucking as an Olympic Sport. Who is with me?

A Rose By Any Other Name Would Still Stink

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 02:11:56 -0500

Dearest Rose,

The six months since you and your children moved into the house next to mine has been quite a ride, hasn't it? Waking up to the sound of you screeching at your kids is so much more preferable than my old habit of setting the alarm clock. The profanity is just an added bonus.

The weekly parties complete with bonfires that continue into the wee hours have become the highlight of my own week. I admire your rebellious nature in ignoring the total fire ban that is placed on the rest of us mere mortals in bushfire season. Can't say I appreciate your taste in music though, and although you do your best to change my mind, I'm here to tell you that increasing the volume and repetition does nothing to improve my opinion of Akon.

I'm especially fond of your oldest son. Feeling his creepy little eyes watching my every move is just so flattering, as is the way he seems to spring out from nowhere just when I think I've managed to avoid him. Seventeen year old bundles of immature testosterone just make my day.

There's just one thing though, Rose. If I ever see you physically attack your younger son - the one with cerebral palsey - the way you did recently, I will have the police on your dried up ass faster than you can say "howdy neighbour." Try me.

thanks

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 02:11:48 -0500

I am really thankful.

I am really thankful for this moment..now...now..and now.

Each day I tend to waste some time with life..like I am wandering and not really paying attention to how important it is to keep the Self focused on the present. When I become aware of those moments where I know I am wandering...I take a breath..

I breathe.

Then look around me and see the complete and utter abundance around me. my family, my friends, my love, and the humbling gift of being alive. I give thanks for the moments that I am aware of my being.

I breathe thanks. I breathe gratitude.

2 dudes kissing: Get over it or help the haters get over it

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 02:11:22 -0500

Associated Press photos

Openly gay artist Adam Lambert plants a kiss on an androgynous (but presumably XY-chromosome-possessing) keyboard player during his performance at last night’s American Music Awards. I love Lambert and I loved his same-sex kiss, except that in the video of it the kiss seems to be a bit rough, even perhaps with at least a tinge of violence to it, and I prefer it to be warm and tender. (And parents probably do have a legitimate complaint that during his performance he shoved a male dancer’s face in his crotch…)

I love Adam Lambert. Not just his music, but his balls.

No, he hasn’t taken the path of Levi Johnston; I mean, I love his chutzpah.

Of any complaints that he was sexually demonstrative with other males during his performance at the American Music Awards last night, he said:

“I do feel like there’s a bit of a double standard in the entertainment community, on television, on radio. I feel like women performers have been pushing the envelope, especially, for the past 20 years. And all of the sudden a male does it and everybody goes ‘Oh, we can’t show that on TV.’ For me, that’s a form of discrimination and a double standard. And that’s too bad.”

Yup. Ditto.

And it’s because in a patriarchal, misognynist society, female-on-female sexuality (in which the women really are heterosexual or are at least bisexual, of course) is considered to be hot (or at least tolerable) by many (if not by most), but male-on-male sexuality, even just a kiss, is considered by many (if not by most) to be repulsive and/or even obscene. (Must protect the children!)

(Male-on-male violence, of course, is perfectly OK, even for the kiddies.)

So many Americans have a problem seeing two men kissing because it’s so rare that they ever actually see two men kissing. What you rarely see can seem strange and foreign and even unsettling when and if you ever actually should see it.

The solution to this problem?

And I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Gay and other same-sex-loving men who wish to show affection in public — holding hands, kissing, hugging, etc. — should do so if they are reasonably physically safe in doing so. (Kissing before some skinheads with baseball bats might not be such a good idea, for example.)

Of course, I can’t say that I am big on public displays of male-on-male affection that are not heartfelt but are just for political purposes. (Lambert’s on-stage same-sex sexual antics appear as though they might have been at least somewhat for the latter.) However, there might be times and places for even political same-sex public displays of affection.

Nor am I calling for public man-on-man sex or even for prolonged open-mouthed man-on-man kissing in public; if you must have prolonged open-mouthed kissing or fondling of the genitalia or the like, please get a room if you are in public (regardless of your XX or XY chromosomal status and your sexual orientation).

But again: If you are a male and you wish to demonstrate, with another male, affection in public that any heterosexual couple would be able to demonstrate without drawing condemnation (or maybe even a law enforcement officer…), then do so, unless you have good reason to believe that you could get physically harmed by doing so.

(Of course, if ending up in the ICU — or becoming the next Matthew Shepard – is your idea of a great political statement, then who am I to try to stop you?)

Forget Bella. 5 Terrible role models in guy-centric hits.

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 01:11:01 -0500

As I've written before, whenever any movie not primarily involving white males and/or geek-friendly genres becomes a big hit, the moralizers come out in full force about how dangerous or unhealthy said movie is for the target demo in question. Sex and the City: The Movie presents adult women in a terribly materialistic light so it's just unhealthy. And Precious isn't just about one person in a singular situation. Oh no, Precious is about each and every person who happens to be black, poor, female, or overweight, so it's obviously perpetuating one stereotype or another. And we can't have movies starring black people (Obsessed) that are just as sleazy, trashy, and stupid as the kind of thing that white people take for granted, because we can't present black characters, especially black women, in such an unfashionable light.

Needless to say, this is the kind of thing that the Twilight series has had to deal with. Because the lead of the books (and movies) is a teenage girl, she's been held up or brought down on her ability to be a positive role model for girls everywhere. And since she doesn't always make the healthiest choices possible, she's been condemned as a dangerous role model for young girls, which has been used as a weapon to condemn the series beyond the normal realm of 'are the movies any good?'. Well, I wholeheartedly agree with the naysayers. Bella (played by Kristen Stewart in the films) is a terrible role model for young girls. She constantly needs to be rescued, while being told that she is a danger to herself and others. She falls head over heels with a cold and aloof stranger who keeps her at a distance and constantly warns her that her feminine whiles could cause him to hurt her. She is willing to sacrifice her safety and her family's safety to be with him. Then, when he breaks up with her, she basically becomes suicidal and goes through a physical reaction resembling heroin withdrawal. So yes, Bella is a crappy role model. But, let's take a minute to run down some lead characters in male-driven franchises that also fit the bill. After all, if we're so upset that girls are being represented in a bad light, then should we not be as concerned about the boys? And can I, as a responsible citizen, enjoy these male-dominated blockbusters even though the lead character is a poor example to set for young men everywhere? Oh dear, the conflict!

Tony Stark (Iron Man)
Played by Robert Downey Jr, Tony Stark starts the movie as a greedy, ammoral, self-centered arms dealer who cares not one wit about the destruction and death that his product causes. He uses his friends and co-workers, keeps everyone at a distance, and profits off global strife. After creating a perpetually-rechargeable energy source that basically keeps his own heart beating, what does he do? Does he mass-produce this device and revolutionize the entire energy structure of the planet, causing an end to oil-based wars, planet-wide strife, and climate catastrophe? Nope, he uses it as the main energy source for his own personal play suit, which he builds with the intent to... well, he's not really sure. Sure, he eventually uses this 'iron man' suit to avenge his own kidnapping (which, to be fair, saves countless lives) and take down the corrupt leadership of his own company. But before those circumstances force his hand, Stark doesn't seem to want to use his world-changing technology for anything other than his own selfish whims. What a tool...

Sam Witwicky (Transformers)
While Sam, played by Shia LeBeouf, is generally a decent if obnoxious motor-mouthed teen, he does get one moment of shining douchebaggery. After spending the first 2/3 of the film attempting to win the heart (or other part) of his high-school crush, Sam is shocked... SHOCKED to learn that blue-collar Mikaela (Megan Fox) has a troubled past, mainly that her father is doing time for auto theft. Despite the fact that Sam knew nothing about this girl other than that she was hot, and despite the fact that it was her father and not her who was the primary guilty party, he is furious with her and rudely blows her off for several scenes afterward, until SHE has to apologize to HIM for her father's criminal history. She deserves better and should have dumped his nerdy butt on the spot.

James T. Kirk (Star Trek)
Played by Chris Pine in the JJ Abrams revamp, the legendary starship captain is rebooted as a selfish, obnoxious, entitled prick of a man who feels that he should get whatever he wants because he has daddy issues and comes from famous lineage (sound familiar?). He cheats purely out of spite, uses and harasses his female colleagues, and takes command of the starship from his more logical, intelligent, and principled superior via a virtual coup d'état. (wait a minute...) Sure he saves the day in the end, but it's mainly because the future version of his would-be rival shows up and tells him what to do every step of the way. This new James T Kirk is a schmuck. Jean-Luc never would have tolerated this arrogant little mouth-breather playing captain on his ship.

Captain Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean 1, 2, and 3)
Sure, he's a delightfully funny cad, played with charm and off-the-wall whimsy by Johnny Depp. But, at the end of the day, he's a pirate. Pirates steal stuff. Pirates rape women and girls. Pirates kill people. Besides, even if we buy that he was a less-evil pirate, his actions in the second and third film belay a nonstop odyssey of treachery, betrayal, and selfish cruelty to the very people who helped win his freedom at the conclusion of the first film. He may not be the worst of the pirates (although even the villainous Barbossa is a 'good guy' in the third film), but he's still a dirty, rotten little scoundrel.

Jedi (Phantom Menace/Attack of the Clones/Revenge of the Sith)
As a staunch defender of the prequels, I must admit that the Jedi are all complete and total imbeciles. The biggest shock of the new prequels was that the legendary Jedi turned out to be a group of pompous, pretentious, self-defeating, useless idiots who couldn't smell a galaxy-threatening conspiracy that was hatching right underneath their noses. They are also mean and petty. Yoda initially refuses to teach Anakin Skywalker because young Skywalker has the gall to miss his mother. Thirteen-years later, when Anakin tries to confide in Yoda that he fears for the life of his wife and unborn child, Yoda's advice is basically 'people die, shit happens, be one with the Force'. Oh, and Anakin himself? Mitigating circumstances aside, he's still a hotheaded, irrational nutcase who actually has at least one genocidal mass murder under his belt before he even turns to the Dark Side. I repeat, Anakin Skywalker, pre-Dark Side, is already a mass murderer.

Obi-Wan resents having to train this young boy who he doesn't entirely trust, and treats him with condescending scorn during his initial apprenticeship. He also cock-blocks Anakin's pursuit of Padme at every opportunity. Even in the final months before the Jedi are wiped out, he can clearly see that his friend and colleague is in pain and torment. Does he ask him to talk about it? Does he put his arm around Anakin and offer to grab a drink to discuss the somewhat disturbing machinations of both the Jedi Council and Chancellor Palpatine? Does he seek insight from Padme, the woman that he probably knows is secretly married to his close friend? Nope, he just sits back while Anikan gets corrupted by Palpatine and abused by Mace Windu. Oh right, Mace Windu. Aside from bullying and constantly second-guessing every step in Anikan's journey, he also is singlehandedly responsible for Anikan turning to the Dark Side. Well, even after all the abuse and lack of trust thrust upon Skywalker, Anikan still turns to Mace Windu when he discovers that Palpantine is one of them Sith lords. So Windu repays the favor by putting Anikan in the position of having to either stand back as Windu executes a defeated and (apparently) incapacitated subject, or raise arms against his fellow Jedi. Whatever Anikan's reasons for saving the would-be Emperor, he was absolutely in the moral and legal right to stop Windu from slaughtering his surrendered prisoner. Point being, if Yoda, Windu, or any of the Jedi council hadn't acted like rigid, emotionless fundamentalists and hadn't treated Anikan like a contagious disease from his first day at Jedi school, if Obi-Wan had made even the slightest effort to reach out to his troubled friend, then Anikan would have remained merely a Jedi with a murder rap, rather than the key instrument in a plot to overthrow the Republic. Let's be honest. Jedi are losers and terrible role models for our nation's youth.

So let's lay off poor, madly-in-love Bella for the moment. She may be a terrible role model, but she's hardly alone in the world of blockbusters. Compared to a selfish arms-dealer turned selfish energy-hog and monk warriors who have a habit of slaughtering innocents, a naive, romantic teenage girl looks pretty upstanding. Besides, she's a bra-burning feminist compared to the princess in Enchanted, but that's for another day. What is worth noting is that all of the above male characters are basically users and abusers of their friends, family, and lovers. Yet Bella is being attacked in various circles because she basically allows herself to be abused and used. So the question we really ought to be asking ourselves is why we're so intolerant of female characters who get abused, while so gleefully accepting of male characters who do the abusing?

Scott Mendelson

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Tue, 24 Nov 2009 01:11:41 -0500

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In the meantime, here's a recipe for pumpkin lasagna

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 01:11:08 -0500

I published the recipe for this lasagna on Grist.org a few Thanksgivings ago. The smoked mozzarella and allspice give it an autumnal flavor that is perfect for any of the winter holidays.

http://tinyurl.com/ygnwsqu

The Official Launch of a Business

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 01:11:52 -0500

Instead of blogging about cooking I’ve been living cooking. I’ve been so busy that every night I try to blog but fall asleep with the computer on my lap. Fortunately the computer has not fallen on the floor yet.

Christine’s Almond Delights has been officially launched and orders have started coming in!

Jenavieve works in the deli of a grocery store, one of a small chain. She had spoken to one of the owners who expressed an interest in our cookies. Dale and I flew up to Justin’s and Jenavieve’s last weekend to give a presentation to the owner with samples. One carry on was full of samples and the other contained all of our clothes.

On Sunday Jenavieve and I went to a wine store in Arcata and then on to Eureka. We went to a large natural food store and a co-op there. Managers were not in so we left samples, brochures and business cards. People seemed to be fairly interested.

On Monday we made our presentation to Murphy’s and received an order on the spot for 2 cases of cookies; 1 crunchy and 1 chewy, plus a case of nuts.

On Tuesday I called Wine Wisdom, a wine shop we’d gone into while in San Francisco International Airport. The manager ordered a case of my smoked wine nuts on the spot. Now today I returned a call to the candy manager at Eureka Natural Foods and they want 4 cases. They have never tasted anything like the cookies I make. 2 cases will go on the shelves and 2 cases, individually packed, will go by the registers.

Nate and I think that at some point we will move the baking to his kitchen but for now I bake, Dale and I package and then ship. This is a true mom and pop operation for today.

I will abandon many things

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 01:11:35 -0500

I will soon abandoned many things

The laptop that fell from the desk
My kinetic watch that will always tick
An artistic girl filled with flaws and imperfections
And her long hair that is yellow and red
Sleeping cats, loud dogs and annoying birds
The barber shop and the supermarket
Green leaves, and quiet flowers,

And, all the things that were revolutionary

The communist manifesto, my own religion
Whole century of capitalism
The Surreal lines of paintbrushes

No, no one can stop me,
I am on a cold rampage
Not the emotions of poets that sustained me
Gravity that pulls me,
The physics that defines us,
or the Vastness of seas and beauty of dolphins
or the dead men who haunt me

It is always the sanity
and the fear that weakens our history

I will soon abandoned all of those things
Yet, I will still be a human.
I just need to breathe.