Doug Socks's Open Salon Blog

Greetings From Korea!

Tue, 2 Apr 2013 22:04:01 -0400

GREETINGS FROM THE LAND OF THE MORNING CALM!

Katchi Kapshida!

For everyone who wondered what the hell happened to Doug, now you know. The Army sent me to Korea! Yay!

Of course, getting here was an adventure in itself, but I'll save that for another time. The important thing to know is that I'm alive, totally insane and I'm writing another book. (I promise this one won't suck, no really!)

What can I tell you about what I'm doing? Lots, but I don't want this to be a rant about my evil, retarded unit so we'll skip that. Let's talk about the food.

Sea Monsters, Chopsticks, Polite Servers

See what I did there? Five words or less. It's an exercise, give it a try sometime.

I see the whole world is naturally freaking out about NK and their antics. Trust me, I'm not panicing and I'm close enough to the DMZ to smell the Kimshe on the other side.

What do I do when I'm not working you ask?

I shoot pool, avoid the Juicy Girls (think escorts only less formal) and on occasion I even use the internet, though I managed to avoid it for several months, as you might have noticed.

So, enough about that, I mentioned going crazy.

As it turns out, the doctors are under the impression that I am loony toons and because of this I'm getting medically retired. I tried explaining to them that I'm merely eccentric, but with the current push to downsize at an incredibly rapid pace I'm being flushed like so much belly lint back into the civilian world....which I couldn't be happier about!

Seriously, I've been in for over 11 years and I've quite had enough of this nonsense. I'll go into details about the nonsense in a tyrade/rant one day, but today I'm feeling too chipper to get all worked up.

The temperature is finally decent outside, which contrasted to this winters punch in the gonads mental level cold, is a touch of dreamy paradise.

So, for now I'll bid you farewell, I can't promise I'll be around a lot because things change here so fast that I might not get back to the computer before the end of time for all I know.

Just wanted to say "Hi" and BTW I've had a radical personality shift (it's not as scary as it sounds) and I'll be working hard to emulate the person I was when I interact with you. If there are differences, however, just polietly ignore them or give me evil glares...virtually of course.

I miss each and every one of you and look forward to catching up on your blogs when I get the time. I would express some sort of regret for being away for so long, but since the circumstances were out of my control I'll skip that part.

Food time, then nap time, then work time. Peace!

Mad Shooters: The Solution

Mon, 23 Jul 2012 14:07:03 -0400

NOTE: Images unavailable due to technical difficultes.

Unless you are just emerging from a cave, deserted island or time warp, you know exactly what I’m talking about so let’s skip to the solutions part of the discussion.

Reality: Gun bans will not get passed, no matter how many shooting incidents we have.

Period.

This is America. Even if the NRA vanished, we still have a strong gun culture that’s not going anywhere.

Reality: Even with the police just two blocks away, they can’t save you if some nut job wants to shoot you during any random event.

Reality: Not everyone is capable of handling a firearm or willing to use one in self defense or the defense of others.

What solution can we create given these facts?

How much are you willing to pay for safety? 10,000? 20,000? 100,000?

Here’s the deal: Offer a cash reward for every bullet you get inside a mass shooter. Make it significant, as these events by very definition are rare and therefore affordable.

Hell, start a collection for such a fund if your state won’t do it. (call it the affordable safety fund)

The training, background checks and controls are already in place for this, just add the reward.

Or, if you want to be really safe, create Designated Security Officers.

DSO’s would go through the same investigation and screening police officers go through, minus the ‘in shape’ bit. (fat people can shoot just as well as skinny people, that’s science.)

Training would be in weapons, shoot/no shoot situations and first aid. This could be taught by Police Officers in night classes lasting no more than two weeks at no charge.

A DSO would be required to qualify with their weapon every quarter (Which is way more than most PD’s) and be required to carry it on their person at all times when in public along with a nice shiny badge for their wallet.

(Gun free zones would not apply to DSO’s in the same way they do not apply to regular officers of the law.)

DSO’s would be given an initial $500 dollars for a good sidearm (yes you can find plenty for around that price point) and $100 per month for ammunition to practice with.

That’s $1,700 a year per DSO to have an extended police force. That’s a lot less than hiring more cops, and they wouldn’t have to worry about doing petty arrests for anything but life or death situations.

You could run that budget off of collection cans.

They could be everywhere, and with a chance to win 50,000 for taking down a nut job I know several people who’d sign up in a heartbeat.

Like EMT’s (who many times do not get paid at all) the DSO’s would do it mostly out of the goodness of their heart but with a nice cash bonus just to ensure we get enough to keep us safer.

Psychopaths might still go nuts, but with an increased number of highly trained shooters, the damage they could do might be reduced, for very little cost.

We can go the rounds about statistics, but in reality, in the end, more guns, not less is the solution.

What are the viable alternatives? Wave a magic wand and make all guns vanish? I don’t think so.

Let’s get serious, and find a way to slow down or even stop these types of incidents, without resorting to the old, tired pointless discussion about how much ‘control’ we need on our guns in a country where we simply won’t accept such control.

Thoughts?

Ban Nuns!

Tue, 3 Jul 2012 11:07:39 -0400

"Come on you apes! You wanna live forever?" - Sister Marie Combs and her band of 'nunjustices' just before they charged into the 1925 scopes monkey trial, killing 14 people and leaving 43 wounded before being gunned down by U.S. Marshalls.

Dangerous Habits: Out of Control Nuns

While the rest of the country is focused on other so called “issues,” the greatest threat to America continues to grow in both power and scope.

I’m talking about nuns, of course.

Not satisfied with protesting at nuclear facilities and beating children into silence about what happened in the rectory, these psychopathic sisters are now going after our money.

If any other religious fundamentalist, especially ones that cover their entire bodies, said “We want your tax dollars to further our religious agenda,” we’d normally tell them to fuck off.

Not nuns.

Why? Because we’re afraid of them, and with good cause.

Last year, of the 14,000 people involved in fatal shootings, 89% were victims of Nun violence.

According to the BATFE’s website, Nuns have been arming themselves in ever increasing numbers since 1994.

Sales of illegal fully automatic firearms to Nuns has increased 78% just over the last two years, while ammunition sales have more than tripled in that same time.

According to the Nuclear Regulatory Commission, 37% of the world's supply of tritium (used for night sights on firearms) is in the possession of nuns and nun hatcheries.

Catholic churches that own assault weapons in the U.S. are now numbered in the 140,000 range, with more being added to the list daily.

The brutal campaign of nun violence against inner city teens is well documented, but rarely reported.

970 teens were beaten to death last year by nuns alone.

270 were run over by nuns traveling in busses with an additional 93 people being kicked or pushed in front of subway trains by nuns traveling abroad.

14 atheists died by suffocation after having a bible literally shoved down their throat by angry nuns in Ohio last year.

Nuns also hate puppies.

They're coming for you Binks! They know where you peed!

The Nun World Order will not be something you want to live in.

Imagine every time you swear, a nun raps your knuckles with her ruler.

For a second offense, she shoots you in the face.

Flying nuns with AK-47's. And you were worried about drones?

That is the world you’re giving your grand children, and it’s the world that Paul Ryan (R) Wisconsin can stop.

A group of the extremist nuns are, at this moment, approaching the young Ryan with chainsaws, machine guns and chains, prepared to beat him into submission until he signs all of the government’s tax money over to the nuns.

Your taxes or your life!

It's time to stop the nunsanity!

The time has come to ban nuns. America's future depends on it.

Because if we dont....

Copyright: 2012 Doug Socks

Images: Will likely vanish

Smoking Cigarettes For A Better America

Fri, 29 Jun 2012 14:06:53 -0400

Back in 47, no one cared if you smoked. Here I was lighting up just after stuffing that dead hooker in the trunk.

Here's a dirty little secret....cigarettes are awesome.

If you’ve never smoked, there’s nothing like a long draw off a fresh smoke first thing in the morning.

No kid should be denied that experience.

Pfffffuuuuuuuuu! Ahhhh!

It’s wonderful.

Hell yes, there’s downsides, but really the rush of nicotine and that hint of cyanide is truly incomparable to any other drug.

I love smoking, and that’s why I’m all for doing away with the cigarette tax.

“But that pays for your eventual lung cancer treatment!” you shout.

Poppycock.

It’s called the power of the waiver.

Eliminate cigarette taxes for anyone willing to sign a sworn statement that they will refuse medical care for lung cancer.

This is an actual image of my lungs

It’s like a Do Not Resuscitate order, only for lung cancer.

If you put that form in front of me right now, I’d sign it in a heartbeat.

“But what about second hand smoke?”

If that stuff were dangerous, we’d have no paper mills. You can't fool me.

Even if by some weird chance it is dangerous, you can hardly say you’re ‘forced’ near it anyway anymore.

Besides, if cigarettes were cheap again, I might actually spend money on other products too, and before you know it, we might actually have an economic boom.

Consider the numbers.

$180 Billion dollars is spent on lung cancer treatment alone, PER YEAR!

Even if only half of those cases are due to cigarette smoke (and we know the number is higher) that’s still….lots of billions!

Isn’t it worth saving billions to let me suffer my own fate for the sake of some cheaper smokes?

I’m willing to take the leap and I’m betting nearly every other smoker would too.

Over 60% of the cost of a pack of cigarettes is taxes in most states in the U.S.

If we taxed cars or fatty food like that you'd see die hard pacifits saying "fuck it" and grabbing up arms for the revolution.

5 Million people a year die from smoking.

We could get that number a lot higher if we stopped trying to treat lung cancer in smokers.

Even if we could just double it, that’s 10 Million LESS people stomping around with their giant carbon footprints on the Earth.

Not only that but by dying roughly 10-15 years earlier, smokers will avoid racking up all those medical bills for other age related crap.

I’m betting we’ll see a %50 reduction in colon cancer as a result of people dying too quickly to get it.

That’s good news everywhere.

That’s why we should encourage folks to smoke, instead of all this quitting nonsense.

Tell me where the kittens are, and no one has to die today...

Of course, motivating people to accept responsibility for their own destructive behaviors is never easy, but then again lowering taxes is always a good selling point for any legislation.

I say, in the middle of all this health care debate stuff, isn’t the answer obvious?

Use the billions saved on not having to treat lung cancer in smokers to give some kid a kidney transplant. It can’t be that hard to work out.

For all of you with me, keep on smoking!

Fluffy Nutter 2010-2012 ~ RIP little buddy, sorry about the tar/hairball thing

Copyright: Doug Socks 2012

All Images Subject to Copyright by Their Respective Uncredited Owners Across Google Image Search Land

Become A Nazi Today!

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 15:06:34 -0400

Coming out of the Swastika Closet

Anger.

Your inbred reaction has been anticipated down to the last minute of outrage. You have no choice but to feel revulsion, if you are a modern civilized human being.

Go ahead and feel it.

Now let us continue.

Let me say first off this is not your great-grand father’s Nazi Party.

This is the National Socialist American Citizen Party.

We do not worship Hitler, nor do we hate Jews, Blacks, Mexicans or other non-white people.

We do not shave our heads or assault or harass anyone for the way they were born, be that Gay, weird, autistic, a fan of Daytime Emmys or retarded.

The Nazi party has realized that it is high time to drop the shackles of the Eugenics and racist nonsense.

Now I know there are people who are saying that the Nazi flag represents the horrors of the Holocaust and the insanity of Hitler.

No more!

We’re taking it back.

Think it can’t be done? The Democrats used to be racist and Republicans used to own slaves, but they evolved.

So have we.

Let me break down our platform, and we’ll see who’s a Nazi at the end of this.

Nationalist – We believe simply in America first. There is nothing wrong with that. This “Globalization” business is force fed, propaganda nonsense. Who out there really says, “It’s great that jobs are going overseas!” or “How wonderful the Eurozone’s collapse could cause our own demise?”

Fixing the trade deficit isn’t evil.

America needs to put America first. No more funding for anyone outside of it, no more fiddling around with foreign affairs. Let the chips fall where they may, if someone tries to invade, they’ll have hundreds of thousands of Armed Americans to deal with on top of our massive Army, Navy, Airforce, Coast Guard and Law Enforcement.

Helping starving folks in other countries should be left to charity organizations, not the American People as a whole, many of whom could give a shit less about someone in India when they’re getting evicted from their house.

Could you see yourself putting your fellow Americans first? Could you see yourself standing up against “Globalization?” Then you are a Nationalist, and can be proud of it.

Socialist – Though it has received bad mouthing from the right, some of the core tenants of pre-Marxist mutual socialism are not only workable, but good for a nation.

It’s called economic democracy, and it beats the shit out of our current, broken system.

We believe that a participatory, democratic socialized system of financing, health care, emergency services and prosperity is inherently a good thing.

A system that supports the common man is not evil, anyone who says so is trying to screw you over.

We need to understand that socialism isn’t a dirty word. Communism, with its freedom destroying state consolidation of power is evil, but socialism is far different from communism. Education in this area is necessary for public acceptance, but that doesn’t make it evil.

Could you see yourself standing behind single payer healthcare? (instead of making insurance companies rich?) You might just be a Nazi.

American Citizen – The last part of our equation is actually the first priority. Being an American Citizen comes with an inherent Birthright.

We have abundant resources, plenty of ability to generate capitol and a genuine desire to see ourselves and our neighbors succeed.

The land we live on was fought for, bled for and secured in the name of Liberty countless times.

Why waste that sacrifice?

We seek to bring economic, as well as individual liberty to the forefront.

We will do this by the identification and elimination of our two worse enemies.

Taxes and Banks.

As radical as that sounds, we do not need them as a nation.

We already have the constitutional authority to print our own money.

Fractional reserve banking and the banks who control the Federal Reserve print money out of nothing constantly. Do you really think the banks just HAD 7 trillion dollars sitting around?

We have a fiat currency, and our income taxes (The biggest section of our governments income) go only to pay on the INTEREST of the loans that created our national debt.

The national debt is a lie.

It could be wiped out in a heartbeat, and no one would miss it.

Taxes are an unnecessary deflationary tactic designed to trick stupid people into thinking they are necessary, which they are not.

This country could run just fine without a single tax, and provide all of it’s current services and more by switching to a Social Credit system of operation. (Look it up, don’t be lazy)

For the rest of you, just know that it works, and most economists are lying to you for the sake of the banks and rich friends.

Nationalizing our resources would solve a great deal.

Instead of paying property tax (Read: rent) people would simply buy land and live on it.

Crazy right?

Corporations would be held accountable not by some lame EPA, fines and Tax systems, but by the American People and a special version of the SS that goes after Carbon Offenders, drags them out into the street with family and friends looking on, and shoots them.

Streams and rivers would be a whole lot cleaner, I assure you.

Without banks we would have National Credit Offices.

How would you like a $5,000 a month National Dividend?

Work would be optional, but provide a pathway to greater prosperity without having to worry about survival.

No, we would not ‘go broke.’ Our economy would be booming.

Germany went from wheelbarrows of money to buy bread to two Volkswagens in every garage.

We can do the same.

No, we don’t have to invade Poland, or anyone else for that matter.

Bankers and Wall Street Traders might want to high tail it though.

So, to recap the Nazi Party stands for:

Social and economic justice

No taxes

Free Money and Education for everyone

Hang the bankers

Who’s on board? I’m on board, and I hope to see you at our next Nazi Party Rally.

By the way, we will burn books. Anything in the “Self Help” and “Finance” categories at the book store will end up on a pyre. We’ll be better for it.

Yes. Yes we can.