Left Is Right's Open Salon Blog

Mitt Romney Is...

Mon, 1 Oct 2012 14:10:49 -0400

Mitt Romney Is….With just over a month to go to Election Day, many voters still have no idea who Mitt Romney is. Sometimes words aren’t enough…

Think of Mitt and Ann Romney as Thurston and Lovey Howell, only mean.

Or as a cartoonish sadistic CEO.

Romney just looks like he should be president, doesn’t he? Or selling pipe tobacco.

Romney could have been many things. Like a famous conservationist..

Or a news reporter…

Or even an Oompa Loompa

We all know that Mitt has a past as a corporate pirate…

But did you know he used to sell male enhancement products?

What Romney would like most of all is to be is our sitcom father figure….

So much so that he chose a sitcom child for his running mate.

As far as the race goes, Mitt can be described as…

The campaign has been a complete:

leaving some Republicans to leave the Romney wreckage behind:

That wraps up the pictorial update, now we can look forward to the Republican heir apparent running in 2016:

In Six Weeks, We'll All Be Free

Tue, 25 Sep 2012 13:09:07 -0400

With just three presidential debates, one vice-presidential debate, and forty-two days separating us from the end of the 2012 presidential campaign, the nation is just six weeks away from freedom. Election fatigue has overtaken the nation like a virus, most of us just want the damn thing over with. A year ago, we all knew it would be Romney taking on Obama. Yet we suffered through what seemed to be an endless primary season, as the anti-Romneys emerged one by one from the GOP clown car. Those that didn’t self-destruct were quickly vaporized by the Romney Death Star. Pawlenty, Bachmann, Huntsman, Perry, Cain, Gingrich, Paul, and finally Santorum fell like so many dominos. We finally got the matchup that we knew was coming. We just knew this was going to be a close and tough race, going down to the wire. Funny, someone forgot to tell Mitt Romney that he had to run a good campaign. With six weeks to go, the post mortems have already begun. What it boils down to is that an extremely unlikeable candidate offered nothing but right wing orthodoxy while at the same time revealing his contempt for the working class.

So it’s as good as over. For Republicans, it will soon be time for purging the memory of Romney from their brains. For them, it will be like standing at the altar for an arranged marriage that you never wanted and learning that your soon-to-be spouse has decided not to go through with it. Republicans in Congress will no longer have to weigh every vote by whether or not it helps Barack Obama politically. They will be free to drop the unified opposition that they vowed on Inauguration Day 2009. Soon, the search will begin anew for a true believer to carry the banner in 2016. For now, it will be time just to bask in the luxury of not having to root for someone that you dislike.

For Democrats, it will be time to breathe a sigh of relief. The number of arch conservatives on the Supreme Court will be fixed at four. The Affordable Care Act will survive and as more people realize its benefits, may become a permanent fixture.

For Barack Obama, he will no longer have to worry about re-election. Nor will he face an opposition party whose primary purpose is to deny him a second term. He can start to build on a legacy.

Most free of all will be Mitt Romney. No longer will he have to mingle with the working class that he despises so much. Never again will he have to share his income tax records with anyone. Never again will he have to parade in his mommy jeans costume, he can revert to his natural business suit. He can go ahead and amend his tax return to capture the deductions that he passed on in his 2011 return. He can take those dreaded mommy jeans to Goodwill and get a receipt for the donation. He can let his NRA membership lapse and go back to pillaging struggling businesses and stripping them of their assets. Ann Romney will be free, too- to resume the role of the spoiled CEO wife that she was born to play, to watch her dancing horse, to bake cookies and go shopping. For both of them, no more phony photo-ops of doing laundry in a hotel, they can go ahead and let the staff worry about it.

Just six weeks to go and we can be rid of the Romneys and the Romneys can be rid of us. We still need to go through the motions of voting, but let’s face it. It’s over. And not a minute too soon.

Mr. Romney, Your Application Has Been Rejected

Wed, 15 Aug 2012 12:08:27 -0400

Dear Mr. Romney:

We regret to inform you that your application for the position of 45^th United States President has been rejected. We have decided to retain the incumbent in this position until he retires in 2017, please feel free to reapply for the position when we repost it in 2016. We could use a good chuckle. Specifically, we note the following errors in your application:

Incomplete Application The job posting specifically stated that the customary ten years of tax returns were expected. You submitted only one incomplete year of tax returns, with a statement that is all that “you people” need to evaluate the application. Your potential employers do not agree with that assessment, nor do they appreciate being referred to as “you people”. Although this disqualified you from the position in and of itself, we made the effort in reviewing the rest of your application and have the following comments:

Unanswered Questions You provided unacceptable answers to the following questions:

Question 4: Why are you applying for this position?

Question 7: What is your primary qualification for this position?

Question 8: What has prepared you to perform the duties of this position?

You answered all of the above questions with “Obama is a poopyhead”. These answers are not what we were looking for.

Poor Essays We have found your essays to be so full of wrong information, misinformation, and outright lies that several committee members took ill while reading them. Enclosed is a bill for cleaning our carpet. We could not find a single essay that withstood our scrutiny, some of the more egregious offenses are noted below:

Your “Growth in Government” essay contained the following statement: “Since President Obama assumed office three years ago, federal spending has accelerated at a pace without precedent in recent history.” This argument is entirely without merit. Spending actually has increased at a modest 1.4% during Obama’s first term, compared to 7.3% in George W. Bush’s first term and 8.1% in his second. Among recent presidents, government grew most under George W. Bush, then Reagan, then George HW Bush, then Clinton, and finally Obama.

Your “Apology Tour” essay contained not a single example of Mr. Obama apologizing for America. Despite repeated requests by our committee for you to cite one example; you either refused or were unable to do so.

Your “Welfare” essay accused Mr. Obama of dropping work requirements for welfare recipients. This is demonstrably false, the executive order merely gives the states some flexibility in how they measure performance in managing their welfare programs, quite similarly to what you requested when you were Governor of Massachusetts.

Your “Medicare” essay accuses Mr. Obama of stealing $716 billion from Medicare to fund “Obamacare”. Again, this is so demonstrably false that it is our recommendation that you seek psychiatric treatment. Mr. Obama is reducing overpayments to Medicare Advantage, and using the savings to extend the life of Medicare by eight years (according to the CBO). This misrepresentation is particularly vile when you promised to sign the Ryan budget, which takes the same amount of money away from Medicare but instead applies these savings to the defense budget and tax breaks for billionaires.

Organization Chart While it does help in our review that you provided the name of your replacement should you die while in office, the person that you named as your replacement is entirely unsuited for the position. And while we do agree that he looks like Eddie Munster, we find this candidate (like yourself) completely lacking in the requisite foreign policy experience and intellectual honesty. While we share your opinion that he is more charismatic than yourself, he is by far not unique in possessing that qualification.

References Not a single person that you provided as a reference recommended you for the position, once they were assured that they were not speaking on the record. Most of the descriptions of you included the terms “soulless”, “insincere”, and “dishonest”. The only person not to give you a negative reference was a Mr. Boris Johnson, who began laughing hysterically as soon as he heard that you listed him as a character reference and could not continue the interview due to concerns about his blood pressure.

Again, we regret to inform you that your application has been rejected.

Sincerely,The American People

Mitt Needs His Own Apology Tour

Fri, 27 Jul 2012 12:07:13 -0400

It’s a matter of faith among right-wingers that Barack Obama embarked on an “apology tour” where he ran around supposedly apologizing for America. When you challenge them to name a specific quotation that supports the notion, they cannot do so. That’s because there was no apology tour, but in the whack-a-doodle world of right-wing politics, truth is entirely irrelevant. If it smears Obama, you repeat it, or forward it, or hit the “like” button, or whatever. Now that British tabloids feature headlines such as “Mitt the Twit”, it seems that Romney has to make his own apology tour. Since he’s busy offending a key American ally, I’ve taken the liberty of making his itinerary.

He could start with apologizing to the family of the man he bullied in high school. There was a guy in his school with long hair. Romney said something to the effect of “We can’t have that, just look at him!” and organized a posse. They held him down as he cried and cut off his hair. When it came to light in the campaign, he said he didn’t recall it. Really, Mitt? If I did something like that, I’d surely remember. Other guys who were in on it say they were haunted by the memory. Did you forget because it was one of many bullying incidents? Or is it because when something happens to one of the “other” people, you just don’t care?

Next, he could apologize to those people that he pulled over while impersonating a state police officer. He was said to be fascinated by police uniforms and did it repeatedly as a prank, despite it being illegal in many states. Hmmm… fascinated by police uniforms and wrestling a gay classmate to the ground to hack off his hair- wonder if someone’s a little bit in denial here?

Then, how about an apology to all animal lovers out there for strapping his dog to the top of his car (in a crate) for a 22 hour trip? When the poor thing got scared and crapped all over his back window, Romney merely hosed down crate, car, and dog and put him right back up there. Real humanitarian there, Mittens.

Next on the tour might take a while. He better get going if he wants to finish before the election. He owes an apology to all the people who lost their jobs because Bain took over their factories, sold their assets, robbed the pension fund, and put them out of business. He owes another apology for having the gall to insist that he had nothing to do with it because he was not involved with Bain at the time.

Of course Romney owes the American people an apology for lying on his campaign filing documents that said his involvement with Bain ended in 1999. Either he lied on the campaign documents or he lied in the documents filed with the SEC that show him as being the sole stockholder, president, and CEO of the company, drawing a salary in excess of $100,000. So, which is it, Willard? Did you lie to the American people in the campaign documents or did you lie to the SEC (which would be a felony)? One or the other MUST be true and you are indisputably lying either way.

He also owes the American public an apology for not releasing his tax returns, a standard set by his own father in 1968. Oh, and he owes his late father an apology, too, for disgracing his memory in this manner.

Romney owes Barack Obama several apologies. He is a serial liar about Obama and will say literally anything that might get him elected. A Romney campaign ad said that Obama said “if we talk about the economy, we lose”. What Romney didn’t say was that Obama was quoting a member of the 2008 McCain campaign in that quote, it was not an admission of weakness on the issue. Then there’s the current flap over the alleged “you didn’t build that” gaffe. As Romney well knows, he is taking that quote completely out of context to mean something entirely removed from the truth.

Romney owes blue jean manufacturers an apology. Let’s face it, when he wears his mommy jeans, he looks like he’s going to a costume party dressed as something he’s entirely uncomfortable in. You just know he’s got a pair of dress pants underneath to make it bearable for himself. Mitt’s blue jean wearing has GOT to be taking a toll on blue jean sales. Face it, when you look like a guy that showers in a three piece suit, nobody buys your image in blue jeans.

Now, Romney owes the good people of the United Kingdom an apology, for being the epitome of the Ugly American. One wonders how he will top the boorishness of his first day in London. Perhaps he’ll puke on the queen. Maybe he’ll tell Kate Middleton that her sister has a marvelous ass.Romney doesn’t owe the people of Poland or Israel an apology- yet. Of course his overseas trip has just begun.

Let's Do Everything Retroactively!

Mon, 16 Jul 2012 09:07:46 -0400

Even though I support Barack Obama’s re-election, I’ve gotta hand it to Mitt Romney. That retroactive retirement from Bain Capital while he was governor of Massachusetts was a stroke of genius! It’s all right, just wave your hand and that troublesome old past of yours can be whisked away! Instead of making fun of old Mittens, we should be following his example. I think I’ll start right now… or then… or something.

“Dear Bill Gates: Enclosed find check for $50,000. Please invest these funds in Microsoft, retroactive to the day you founded the company. Then please cut me a check for my share of the corporation. PS- do not cash my check until I cash yours”

“Dear High School government teacher: Here is my senior essay, retroactive to 1974. Please adjust my final grade in your course.”

“Dear parents: here’s $50 to make up for the gas I burned in your car while I was living at home. Just take it to the gas station and tell them to give you the price retroactive to when I used the gas.”

“Dear Judge Ito: Here are some photos of O.J. Simpson in those Bruno Magli shoes that the LA prosecutors didn’t have. Please introduce these as evidence, retroactive to the 1995 trial.”

“Dear cute co-worker in the dorm cafeteria: OK, now I get that you had a thing for me. Let us have all that sex we should have had in college, retroactive 35 years.”

“Dear Ron Washington: Pull Justin Verlander from the 2012 All Star Game, retroactive to the first batter.”

“Dear 401(k) manager: Please convert all my holdings to gold, effective December 1999.”

“Dear township police: I stopped at that stop sign that I missed two years ago. Please consider that I stopped retroactive to the date of my ticket.”

“Dear Coach Dantonio: Please tell your players not to run into the punter, retroactive to the last minute of the 2011 Big Ten Championship Game.”

What a perfect system! . Mitt Romney, you may not win the election but you’ve shown us the way! Let’s all live our lives retroactively. I think I’ll start by ducking my head while mowing under the apple tree, retroactive to June