Susan Wade Edwards's Open Salon Blog

Losing my brother

Wed, 30 Nov 2011 10:11:50 -0500

My brother died Novemeber 1. He was my only sibling. His name was Mike and he had just turned 64 about a month before his death. A friend wrote me a condolence note that said, "Our siblings hold such a special place in our lives...keepers of secrets, companions in joy and discovery, and a part of ourselves.

When Mike died I felt like I lost a part of myself. Our shared history was part of what makes me who I am. Now, as my friend alluded to, I'm the sole keeper of those secrets.

Mike was my big brother. Almost four years older than me. When I was very young, about 2, my mother became ill and for quite some time was in and out of the hospital. I was too young to understand why she was gone. Mike and I lived with our grandparents during that period of time. Mike was my touchstone. My dad owned a construction company with his two brothers working long hours to make a living. My mother seemed to have disappeared from my life. So my brother, in my mind, literally became my keeper. My grandparents were wonderful people, but it was my brother that I looked to for comfort. He represented my home and my family. At the time, he seemed all that I had left. Eventually, my mother got well and we became a family of four again.

Maybe because he took care of me during those earliest years, he always remained a protective brother. He always had my back. When I became a teenager and boys began to find me interesting, he found ways to let them know that they would answer to him if they mistreated me. One boy, who my brother mistakenly thought had done me wrong, found himself on the receiving end of Mike's fist. I hated Mike's over protectiveness during those teenage years. But I recently talked to that same boy (who's now a man of 60) that my brother punched on my behalf and he had a different take on my brother's actions. He told me that he admired the way that Mike looked out for me and that he wished he'd been that kind of brother to his own sisters.

At a fairly youg age Mike developed a serious relationship with alcohol that lasted his lifetime. He tried to end the relationship several times but was never completely successful. This love/hate relationship with booze eventually cut his life short.It also complicated his other relationships. None of us in the family ever had the kind of relationship with him that we wanted because the drinking got in the way. But sometimes relationships aren't what we want even when alcohol isn't the problem.

During the last several years of his life he had health problems, including a hip replacement that landed him in ICU for four days with sepsis. His body never seemed to recover from that. I think he began to suspect that he wasn't going to have the kind of retirement that he'd always dreamed of: fishing at the lake in his bass boat. He became more remote, drank more and isolated himself. Then in a period of nine months his two favorite uncles and my dad died. After that he became seriously depressed. His drinking continued to escalate. I talked to him on the phone on his birthday, September 26, and he sounded good. He thanked me for the card I'd sent and spoke amazingly of the fact that in six years he'd be 70. Neither of us could imagine how that had happened. It was a good conversation. But when I hung up the phone I had the thought that he wouldn't live to see another birthday. I was right. I don't know where we get such insights Most likely I'd been subconsciously filing away the clues l'd been observing for years and somehow in that moment I suspected what lay ahead for him.

Mike entered the hospital October 7 and a week and a half later we were approached by the palliative care team. Mike opted to forego any measure that would prolong his life and he entered an inpatient hospice house. When he took his last breath, his three daughters and his cousin were with him. I wasn't there. I'd left to go home to shower and change after spending the night with him. I got the call that he was gone about 45 minutes after leaving. I felt hurt that he'd chosen to leave when I wasn't there. But maybe he was still trying to protect me.

My brother was a tremendously complicated person chased by the demons of anxiety, depression and addiction. Nonetheless, over his lifetime he managed to work hard at the same job for over thirty years, raise his family, develop lasting and loyal friendships, sing and play the guiltar, and play baseball long past his adolescence. He was a pitcher and a shortstop who as a teenager was scouted by the Boston Red Sox. He had a dry sense of humor, loved nature, and read literature as well as westerns. He brought joy to those who loved him, but he also caused immense pain.

Mike never quit being my big brother. Even when he was dying he worried that I stayed too long and wore myself out. He didn't like me to leave the hospice after dark. He lived long enough for us to watch the World Series together and cheer St. Louis on to victory. I'd grown up watching Mike play baseball, so it seemed a fitting way for us to spend some of our last real moments together.

I don't know how my life will ever be the same without him.

Mike, always in my heart. Sue

Who does God want to win the Super Bowl?

Sun, 6 Feb 2011 19:02:20 -0500

Every year in the Super Bowl (and other sporting events too numerous to mention) we see players pointing to the sky after touchdowns or indicating by some other gesture that they owe their successful play to the Maker above. Post game interviews are replete with deferential players who take no credit for their win, but say they couldn't have done it if the Almighty hadn't had their backs. Often they are so grateful for His help that it is not unusual for one of them to dedicate the entire Super Bowl to the the Big Man in the Sky. Particularly if it's a quarterback or receiver. God seems to like them a lot. Course, you can't really blame them. If God helped me win the lottery, I'd be more than happy to dedicate my win to Him. But you always wonder about the losing team. Was God pissed off at someone on that team and it cost them the game?

Early results of this year's game look as though God wants the Packers to win. Could be he's a little tired of Steeler's QB Ben Roethlisberger's unseemly behavior toward women. If I was a player on the Steelers and we lost, I'd be pretty mad at Ben.

But it's still early (first quarter). We'll know in a few hours who God likes the best.

The Criminalization of the Homeless

Sat, 5 Feb 2011 21:02:26 -0500

It's not good to be homeless in Kansas City, MO. You tend to get arrested. The Kansas City Star described the plight of two men, Gary and David, who were recently evicted from their camp site close to a freeway ramp and jailed. While incarcerated, for camping illegally, the men lost almost everything they owned: their sleeping bags, tarps, and other survival gear. Items crucial to survive the harsh Kansas City winter where temperatures next week will dip below zero at night and be in single digits during the days.

Gary pleaded with the officers the night of their arrest to let them retrieve some of their valuables if the camp was going to be destroyed.

"But they said it was too late," according to Gary. "We couldn't take nothing except for what we had in our pockets."

In addition to their survival gear, each man lost personal momentos. Gary lost his birth certificate and military discharge papers. David lost the few family keepsakes that he had left. His mother's wedding ring, his baby book and the only picture he had of his mother.

A Kansas City police spokesman stated that it is the policy of the department to "preserve any valuables that the people they take into custody have on them." As far as the men losing the rest of their personal possessions, the officer said "the blame lies with them." It was his understanding that "the men had been given weeks of warning."

It's hard to imagine where Gary and David could have moved their possessions since they had nowhere to go. Kind of a Catch-22.

"It's as if they think that because we're homless that we don't have any sense of value of personal stuff," David said.

Some cities have more humane policies for the homeless. Cities, including Portland, Ore; Cincinnati; and Washington, D.C. for example. Policies in these cities try to recognize homeless people's rights and make an effort to preserve the personal property of the homeless evicted from camps.

But these cities are the exception. It is illegal for the homeless to sit or lay on the sidewalk in San Francisco. In some cities, including Dallas, it's illegal to feed the homeless except in soup kitchens or other sanctioned spots.

A Homelessness Task Force was formed a year ago in Kansas City to address more humane ways to deal with the growing problem of the homeless. But, so far, little action has resulted.

According to Judge Joseph Locasscio, a task force member, society needs to recognize "that there is a human right to be housed and a moral imperative (and an economic benefit) for the comunity to house the homeless...."

Judge Locasscio supports a concept known as "housing first" to deal with chronic homelessnesss. The idea behind this concept is to provide a guaranteed home, such as a government funded apartment, while people attempt to get back on their feet. Shelters are not the answer because they are designed to address temporary homelessness and often have a shortage of beds.

The logic behind "housing first" is that once the housing need is met, the underlying conditions that caused homelessness can be dealt with. These conditions range from substance abuse, mental illness, or a complex set of conditions. Denver, New York and Seattle are currently trying this approach and have had positive results.

Criminalizing the homeless is counterproductive. It does not alleviate the roots of homelessness nor decrease the suffering of the homeless. Once released from jail the cycle starts again to find a place to camp and to avoid the police. If, as a society, we want to break this cycle then we need quit treating the homeless as criminals and seek humane solutions.

To read more about Dave and Gary's situation and more information on the homeless see the link below.

http://www.kansascity.com/2011/02/04/2633830/mike-hendricks-housing-should.html

Sarah Palin: Her Truth Goes Marching On

Tue, 25 Jan 2011 14:01:04 -0500

Don't think any words from me are necessary. The video speaks for itself.

Two second graders were doing what?

Mon, 24 Jan 2011 12:01:25 -0500

Opened up The Kansas City Star the other morning to digest the news that had transpired while I slept and came across this headline: “Sex act in class alleged.” The sex act referred to was oral sex so I assumed it had occurred in a high school between two (very) immodest teen-agers. The headline peaked my interest (and no, not because I’m a perv), but because a similar incident happened in my son’s public school class when he was a freshman about 15 years ago. It was a civics class so perhaps the young people engaged in the act thought they were just exercising their rights as Americans. I remember wondering at the time, “What kind of kids engage in sexual behavior with 25 peers and a teacher in the room?” In their defense, however, I believe a film was being shown so at least their indiscretion took place in dim light. But my main reaction to the sordid incident was complete and unadulterated relief that my son wasn’t one of the students involved and that I would not be the parent getting THAT PHONE CALL. Another bullet dodged.

Once past the headline though I learned that I had assumed too much. The two students allegedly engaged in oral sex were not high schoolers, no indeed, they were second graders. Wait a minute, something's wrong here. Second graders are only about 8 years old. This can’t be right. But further reading of the story only resulted in the plot thickening. The teacher was unaware of the nature of the acts going on his classroom and had continued lessons as usual. And if that isn’t horrifying enough, on another occasion children reportedly had taken off some of their clothing during class. This teacher is now on administrative leave.

This particular incident comes to us from Markham Elementary School in Oakland, CA. It occurred last week, but only reached the principal’s ears after another child told a staff member. Happily, now that the matter is out in the open major steps are being taken to address the problems of second graders having oral sex and shedding their clothes while learning their times tables. Counselors have been brought into the school and a letter was sent home to families. That should stop the problem and bring the matter to a close. I know I feel better about it.

I do though have a couple of questions that beg to be answered. How do you teach a class and miss the fact that two of your students are engaged in oral sex? I taught in public schools for 23 years and am pretty sure nothing like that happened on my watch. I did teach high school, however, so I can’t say for sure how much more difficult it might be to spot elementary children committing sexual acts.

Of course, the bigger question that needs addressing is where did 8-year-old kids learn these behaviors? I think we all know the answer to that. More than likely they’ve been sexually abused and are acting out what’s been done to them or what they’ve seen done in their homes. That’s the tragedy and the dark side of this story. Our schools are deplorably understaffed and underfunded; desperately in need of more counselors, social workers, paraprofessionals, psychologists and better trained teachers. Most schools do not have the resources to help children such as the ones in this story. Hopefully, all the children involved in this incident have been referred to their local Social Services Department (also short staffed) for ongoing investigation, treatment and support.

Meanwhile, our cities, states and national governments continue to cut funding for education. For what, exactly, are we sacrificing our children? The trillion dollar wars in the Middle East? The Wall Street bailouts? Extended tax cuts for the richest one percent of Americans? What kind of society let’s their children fall through the cracks like this? Our society does.