worldssmartestman's Open Salon Blog

I'd Be An Amazing Cripple

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 09:06:45 -0400

Nope, that’s not me. If it was, I’m much better looking than that guy, and BTW, so would the lady next to me. Unfortunately I’m as healthy as can be, but you can bet your lucky penny that if I was handicapped, I mean handicap able, I would be, at the least, absurdly upbeat.

If there is one thing that makes me question our Lord’s infinite wisdom, it would have to be the fact that I am still walking around with four fully functional limbs. I have no doubt that if given the chance, I’d make your spine tingle with awe as you watched me overcoming any sort of incurable deformity. Let’s face it. Cripples usually fall into one of two categories: either incredibly inspiring or pathetically depressing.

I don’t think I have to spell out for you which category is lacking more people than limbs. It’s the inspiring one. Well if I got hit by a bus tomorrow or somehow lost my arm, I would be an amazing gimp. It seems like only whiny pussies get to be handicapped these days. What an incredible waste of opportunity.

Everyone always points to Christopher Reeves as a suitable example of someone who overcame his disability. Please, you’re talking about a man who literally did not get back on the horse. And we’re supposed to be impressed. If that happened to me I would be racing the next Seabiscuit within a year. Oh but RIP Superman, cause you didn’t do enough resting the latter half of your life.

Then you have the vets. Am I the only one who thinks these guys are the absolute worst of the worst? Boo Hoo. I went to war and you’ll never believe what happened! The enemy made a boo boo. Whaaaaah. Man, if I didn’t have flat feet I would be getting blown to pieces by an IED right now.

And guess what G.I. Joe? I wouldn’t be whining about some hospital. I’d be teaching inner-city blacks how to play basketball before heading off to a sold out speaking engagement. That’s life though, bitter sweet. It’s true I was born with the ability, and more than enough talent to inspire the masses, but unfortunately for you, I have yet to find myself in the wrong place at the right time.

You have no idea how it feels to have this much potential go to waste. It’s terrible. I would not wish it on anyone. At least the disabled are given the chance to be disabled, even if ninety-nine point nine percent of them totally blow it. I’m disabled when it comes to being disabled and that’s worse than any disability I could ever imagine.

Gossip Gal: The OSSSCCCAAAAARRSSSS!!!!

Mon, 23 Feb 2009 03:02:37 -0500

Heeeyyy Girrrlllzzz!!!!!

The Gossip Gal is back and this time it’s PURSE-SONAL, (JK)! Um so I don’t have much to talk about this week since nothing is really going on……………JOKING!!! OSSSCCCAAARRRSSS time BABY! I am soooooo xsitEd!!!! Me the gals and someone I like to call COMCAST CABLE are getting together for some intimate VIEWING, of what you ask??? Hopefully Brad Pitt’s assssss! Just joshing (not really though LFMAO)!

Since there are OVER ten thousand Oscars given out every year I will only focus on my FAVE nominees in what I have come to call my nomi- "DO-ME-PLEASE":

Best Actor in a Supporting Role:

Josh Brolin for Milk– He was amazing!! But I didn’t like the straight edge Dan White character he CHOSE to play which is more of a choice than Sean Milk had by BEING GAY. BTW, even if being gay was a choice it would be a FABULOUS ONE!!!

Robert Downey Jr. for Tropic Thunder– HOT! As a white man. HOTTER as a brother!! It may be the JUNGLE FEVER speaking but am I the only one who wouldn’t mind some Thunder down Under(WINK)?!?

Phillip Seymour Hoffman for Doubt– Ew.

Heath Ledger for The Dark Knight– Soooo saddd!! Have you seen his daughter? Soooo Cuuuttteee!

Best Actor:

Senn Penn for Milk–Sean you can MILK me anytime!! Note to Penn: There will be a lot more milk if you knock me up first!!

Brad Pitt for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button– Hmmm. Brad Pitt as an ADORABLE baby + Brad Pitt as an ADORABLE OLD MAN+ Brad Pitt oh what’s the point, if you start anything with BRAD PITT then the results will be DELICIOUS. Hey Brad, I have a CASE you might me CURIOUS in, I call it my VAGINA and I am positive you could press all of it’s BUTTONS!!!!

That’s it guys and gals, WHO will WIN?? We will have to wait and C!!! I will tell you one thing I DO NOT envy those judges! And for Brad, Heath, and Sean’s sake I hope that SIMON has nothing to do with the decisions, LOL!!

Trump Sightings On the Rise in Yellowstone National Park

Wed, 31 Dec 2008 08:12:48 -0500

Cheyenne, WY- Reported sightings of a Donald Trump have skyrocketed in the past few weeks in or around Yellowstone National Park, with park rangers, tourists, and residents alike coming forward to report seeing ‘the Donald’; some of whom claim to have had intimate interactions with the elusive entrepreneur.

“I had heard of the recent sightings of the Donald but dismissed them as third hand rumors, ones which I did not take seriously,”said Elliott Myers, a Yellowstone Ranger with fifteen years of service in the park. ” So you could imagine my shock when I practically ran into one three weeks ago while on patrol. It seemed to be docile, but just to play it safe I released about half a can of bear mace into what I assumed to be it’s eyes before making a run for it.”

Ranger Myers says he has become less skeptical of other Trump sightings since seeing it in person that day and his account adds to a growing list of similar sightings, including one from David Ellis, an avid bird watcher who frequents the park during the weekends.

“I was birdwatching last Saturday when I saw a blinding reflection of light coming from about a mile to the east”. Reported Ellis, who tracked the reflection to within a few hundred feet but halted his pursuit when he realized the reflections were coming from the wrist and fingers of what appeared to be a Donald Trump. “I watched it from a far for a while, it seemed to be using some sort of tool to mark off a circular area in a clearing at the bottom of a hill. When it was finished with that, it took out a flag and placed it in the center of the circle and that’s when it appeared to become aware of my presence.”

When asked how he was certain that the Donald had become aware that it was being watched?

” It sounds crazy but the Donald appeared to be winking at me and gesturing with his finger over his mouth. Although to be honest, those are details I decided to omit when I reported the sighting to the authorities.”

Ellis claims that he was turned away at the cabin after the rangers laughed off his report, and failed to investigate or even log his account in their files.

Since the beginning of August, reported sightings of the Donald have been coming into Yellow Stone Park HQ on a weekly basis, so many, that the park service held a press conference on Tuesday where Public Relations Director Steve Cooligan announced that an official investigation into the sightings had been opened.

While it may seem irrelevant whether or not these recent Trump sitings are true or merely a product of a collective imagination, if they do find them to be accurate, there is some precedent for Yellowstone officials to be concerned. Previous reported sightings of a Donald Trump in New York, New Jersey, California and overseas have been accompanied in the following months with the appearance of ostentatious buildings and environmentally destructive golf courses that have left residents in the effected areas wishing they had listened to those who claimed they saw the trademark golden puff of hair out and about prior to the subsequent development.

The general feeling from both officials and residents of Yellowstone is more of skepticism than concern, however, many including Mike Hannigan, who is considered to be the foremost Trump expert in North America, feel that the Yellowstone sightings may be more fact than folklore.

“Many of the key ingredients are here: reports of a strong smell of Mambo Cologne throughout the park, the appearance of heavy landscaping equipment in neighboring towns, the sudden and ubiquitous presence of literature bad mouthing Theodore Roosevelt, these along with the enumerable amounts of reported sightings have led me to believe that the Donald may very well be somewhere in Yellowstone”.

101 Words: The Moral Majority

Thu, 20 Nov 2008 18:11:50 -0500

I take the moral highground.

I'm directed by the highest authority.

My logic's not sound.

Neither are my priorities.

A man.

Marrying A man?

No way man.

Not part of God's plan.

It will threaten.

My marriage.

If you fairies get married.

Give me Rush.

I need Hannity.

My favorite cure.

For liberal insanity.

Muslims Attacked.

9/11!!

Only faithful.

Get to heaven.

Take your stats.

Have your facts.

I have scripture.

God's big picture.

You may think I'm whacked out.

But you're in the minority.

There is no doubt.

We're the moral majority.

Insecure Jesus

Tue, 18 Nov 2008 10:11:25 -0500

It’s time to clear a few things up. First of all, and I am just being honest here, a few things about me have been over blown somewhat. One of most common misconceptions that I hear is that I somehow walked on water. While it is true that I did do something that may have slightly resembled walking on water, in reality it was more of a skid. I mean did you honestly think that I literally walked on water?

I guess I am a victim of good publicity because while I am technically the son of God, that in no way makes me some sort of magician. People ask me to do the water trick all the time, and I would be lying if I said that they were less than disappointed with the results. I mean I did that trick two thousand years ago, I had a nice buzz, we were at Paul’s house and I honestly don’t even remember doing it.

Then there is the wine story. Water to wine yeah that sounds impressive. Look, between me and you that was a little bit exaggerated. Yes there was some water. Yes I turned it into wine. But if I am so great then why didn’t I turn it into something better? In the long run what does wine do for you besides temporarily make you feel better? I mean given the chance wouldn’t you do something better with your abilities? I’m such an idiot.

Now I have to come back to earth and do it all again. I didn’t even do that great of a job in the first place and I am now supposed to save you? Maybe I could send someone in my place, like Gandhi or JFK. You would like that wouldn’t you? Yeah I am gonna get on this right away cause I really don’t think I’m cut out for this.