MyOwnGender's Open Salon Blog

January 10 - Disaster

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 10:01:17 -0500

Yesterday's post...meditation on disaster. The writing is about natural disaster, but in my life, self-made disaster is much more common, more likely, more relevant.

I got a big chunk of loan money yesterday, for this semester of school, tuition paid and the balance sent to my bank account. Working part-time, this is how I stay afloat. Though I'm not good at budgeting, balancing (hence the spending tracking).

So my goal this semester is to avoid that self-made disaster. In theory, I need to be working full-time, asap. Not in theory, in reality. I will get back on the job-hunt, sending resumes.

I shopped yesterdary...for the sake of shopping, but also for things I needed, cleaning supplies and new toothbrush, and Christmas presents for my fake nephew. I want to buy him more, spoil the sweet boy, but I'll stop with what I have, a shopping cart toy, fruits and veggies to put in it, two tshirts, two long sleeve, pants, and a stuffed penguin (my fav, and one of his new words at 17 months). I will stop and try to avoid the disaster that could be.

The last line of the meditation is one that stuck with me years ago, and I've had it posted on my wall since: Whether we remain ash or become the phoenix is up to us.

Spending: $141, phone bill

$47, Target - cleaning, G presents, laundry soap

$41, Toys-R-Us - G presents

$26, RiteAid - toothbrush, aleve, etc

$13, Kohls - tees for G

$10, Kroger - Tuesday night din, water, cough drops

$6, McDonalds - lunch, worst idea of the day

January 9 - Optimism

Mon, 9 Jan 2012 23:01:13 -0500

Optimism is hard sometimes.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've hurt people I care about. I've hurt myself too many times. Even now there's a sweet woman who doesn't need my complication in her life. And yet I can seem to quit her.

Tomorrow is another day.

Spendings: $0

January 8 - Work

Mon, 9 Jan 2012 00:01:43 -0500

"Whether it is the time or the method, true labor is half initiative and half knowing how to let things proceed on their own."

Right now, while I'm in grad school, I work a contingent job taking care of residents at several homes for developmentally disabled adults with mental illness.

A few days before Christmas, one of our residents was so eager about her visit with her sister, and so nervous about getting into trouble (which would lead her sister to cancel the visit) that she lost control of her behavior, busted open the locked drawer containing the sharp knives and other dangerous items in the kitchen, placed her hand on the countertop and stabbed her hand multiple times with a butcher knife (on my shift). This lead to an ambulance, hospital visit, stitches, emergency psych services, etc, an incident report on my end, and possibly a pending investigation regarding her presence in the home with other residents. She was home by breakfast the next and her sister still came to visit, so it could have ended worse.

But the struggle is constantly gauging what kind of space she's in, whether she's ramping up to run away or injure herself, or if she's calm and managing her emotions successfully that day. Too much interference leads to her getting nervous, and can make things worse. Not enough can lead to the same disasterous results.

I like her very much..she's funny and smart, great sense of humor, I care for her very much, and I am trying very hard to know when to step in and when to let her be, to help her live her best life. This is not an instance of labor, but it is my 'job.' And more than that, it's humanity, and it's learning and growing.

Spendings: $3 donut and two power bars

$13, chicken, mac&cheese, cough drops, monster

January 7 - Forbearance

Sat, 7 Jan 2012 23:01:08 -0500

Apparently I missed a day, and posted one late. Three fourths of the way through grad school, very broke and stressed, leaves me pretty frazzled these days. I wasn't sure if I had managed to post each day, or not.

It appears as though I'm not perfect after all though, and neither will this year of journaling. But then that was certain to come out at some point. No matter.

The last line of today's meditation is this: No matter what, we must always be true to our inner selves.

I feel like I'm getting better at this. Still learning, still working on it, but better than yesterday at least.

Tonight I struggle with the fact that one facet of my inner self seems to be the ability to get too deeply emotionally wrapped up in a woman. The conversation, the dance, the flirtation...the intelligence and sensuality. And this woman in particular is incredibly sexual, and sexual in ways that I've tended toward mentally and emotionally but never fully explored. Power and control and dominance and submission and playing with arousal like I don't remember ever experiencing. She's helping me learn about my sexual and gender expression..and that feels really good. I just wish I were able to maintain a little more stability, a little more level-headed-ness in the midst of learning, of witnessing her awesome femme mystique. She's incredibly sweet and beautiful as well, quite overwhelming really. It's fun and positive. Just overwhelming too.

Tomorrow is another day to keep learning and trying to be a better me.

First of three weekends for this budget class is over, one weekend closer to the end.

Spendings: Lunch/beer at Applebees, $16

January 5 - Sound

Sat, 7 Jan 2012 23:01:27 -0500

Power in silence.

I need to get back to meditation or some sort of yoga. I need that structured stillness, because everything else in my life feels like raging rushing madness. Loud and hard and fast.

Even the music is too much sometimes. I need quiet.

Soon.

Spendings: $4, two Monster drinks, donut