sign2cc's Open Salon Blog

Mother-n-luv? Monster-n-law? How does your mother-n-law rate

Sat, 26 May 2012 23:05:34 -0400

More often that not, the word mother-n-law conjures up a host of negative emotions. Jane Fonda's infamous role as mother-n-law in the movie, "Monster-n-law" is an extreme example of what NOT to do to gain your child's future spouse's respect and approval.

Having just experienced the 5th year without my mother, and ex mother-n-law at Mother's day, and their birthdays, which are three days apart, and the same week as mother's day, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and decided to share.

After many years of conversation with my dear mother, I recall her wonderful memories of life with her mother-n-law, my grandmother. My grandmother, Lillie, had two sons, so she was extremely pleased when her boys got married, for she truly loved her daughter's-n-law. And, as an extra blessing, I was born, the first grandchild and a girl to boot! I, too, had such a wonderful mother-n-law experience.

Janice was sitting at the kitchen table at "her spot", and talking on the phone when I realized I had a friend for life. The conversation in progress was with her ex son-n-law, Ricky. "Her Spot" was strategially chosen so she could view her entire kingdom from her seat. The kitchen, living room, front and back doors, front and back yards and garden were all visible with just a turn of the head. "Her spot" was the envy of everyone because of its ideal location at the kitchen table. The buffet directly behind her seat held everything she needed including her medicine case, her deck of cards for Canasta, dominos, note pads, pencils, and other daily necessities.

"Her spot" provided many wondeful meal time memories, good food, conversation, crafting, and entertainment. From nearly anywhere in the house, Nana Jan could be seen in "her spot" She was a monument for stability, and my mentor.

Quite photogenic, her vivacious spirit, charismatic nature, and pixie-esque quality charmed most everyone she met. NanaJan, we love you and miss you!

Horror Stories

I've heard actual horror stories about mother's-n-law in my social circle. One horrible example was the case of the Christmas Stocking. Ally, I'll call her, was married into a family that was like trying to breach an inner-sanctum. All co-dependent, her spouse, sister-n-law, and mother-n-law wouldn't let her in. It was so bad, everyone, but Ally, had a Christmas stocking at her mother-n-laws home. According to Ally, she had tried everything to no avail, and eventually, the marriage crumbled.

Beth, another anonymous friend, is in a situation where the siblings are not close, so the in-laws aren't either. And, the mother has Alzheimer's Disease. She feels lonely and detached from her husband's family and most of her own family is deceased.

A Mother and Her Child

One truly can not appreciate the love a mother has for her child until she experiences it for herself. That emotional bond is so strong that a mother would die for her children.

Daughters, please remember, the first woman in your husband's life was his mother. That, you can not change, nor should you want to. He is the person you married because of her. He learned to love, work, protect, and provide from her.

Yes, you should expect his priorities to shift after you are married, but don't make him give up his relationship with his mother. So, striking a healthy balance early on is imperative.

"It's Tradition"

When you marry, you bring two cultures into one family. Just because you did things one way growing up, doesn't mean you have to continue to do things the same way. Creating autonomy and customizing tradition is a top priority when you first get married. Setting boundries with the inlaws must be done early on in order to establish your family. And, don't play favorites.

Just Don't Be Petty

It's so easy to nit pick and develop grudges. The hardest thing I ever did was let my children go spend Christmas holidays with their dad. But, I felt since I had them all year long, I would rather give up one week than the other 51.

The first year was very difficult, but in the coming years, I actually looked forward to quiet time. I could shop after holiday sales, enjoy alone time, catch up on reading or favorite TV movies, or just sit and eat bon bons if I wanted.

When the children came home, I made it a very special continuation of the holiday and into the new year. Special circumstances demand special people making special plans in less than ideal situations.

Griping and Nagging - It DON'T Work!

In the event you aren't on good terms with your mother-n-law, nagging the spouse won't do any good. Ask your spouse to schedule a time to sit and discuss things in a positve, rational, and controlled environment. Never try to discuss anything right after work, when you are tired, just before bed, during times with interruptions such as TV or children, or when you are sick or hungry.

Give each other the time to completely express a thought before responding. Don't critize, interrupt, slam, or argue. Rephrase to determine the correct interpretation of what was said. Think before you speak. Use a calm voice, with positive verbage. Keep a list of topics to discuss. (I wouldn't try to tackle 15 things at a time, but listing things you want to say would help you remember.) And, using an egg timer can help with time limits to ensure equal time to speak and respond.

One night might be scheduled to express the complaint, allowing a full day for reflection, and the following evening for responses. Find a system for positive communication and use it as a tool for growing your relationship. It's a key to a successful marriage.

Case in point. NanaJan was a wonderful decorator, and had an eye for detail. After a few years of mentoring on her part, I was developing my own style. However, each time she visited, she would rearrange things and it begain to get on my nerves. After discussing this with my husband, he frankly said, that was who she was, and she wouldn't change.

So, I just changed my attitude. We would discuss the why's things needed to be where they were, and make some adjustments. If I didn't like her suggestions, I would just put it back after she left. It made her happy, made my husband happy because he wasn't caught in the middle, and kept my blood pressure down. Pick your battles! Simple as that.

Harmonious Living

You may never have a great relationship with your in laws, or even a good one. If you can honestly say you put your best foot forward, offered respect even if it wasn't returned, communicated positively instead of being rude and argumentative, and be consistant with your efforts, you will feel better about yourself even if you don't feel better about your relationship. A positive attitude is like a ray of sunshine, and one day, it may break through those gray clouds.

Good luck, and God Bless.

I'm Guilty!

Sun, 13 May 2012 13:05:39 -0400

Open Mouth, Insert Foot. The awkward feeling you get when you say, or do something that makes someone else uncomfortable, or offended.

I ran across this viral video this week, and I do hope you take the time to watch it. It is a reminder that, to use another person's video response, "God don't make no junk."

http://news.yahoo.com/mothers-inspiring-video-blind-baby-son-173140041--abc-news-parenting.html

One of the most horrendous things I have ever done was make up a rhyme as a child and sing it to a very dear friend of mine. That doesn't seem so bad, making up a rhyme, but the contents of the rhyme was just awful! I didn't even realize it at the time, but looking back, I am sure it killed the girl's spirit. I truly loved her, and was always so happy to see her in serendipitous places in later years. I was more happy to see her than she was me, most likely.

The 2-line rhyme used her name, and her last name rhymed with tail as in,"stinkin' ole cow's tail." Wow, once I realized this, I immediately tried to find her. I even sent a Christmas card to the last known address only to have it "returned to sender, address unknown."

During my daily obituary reading, I found her. My dear friend had died around Christmas time from complications due to diabetes. Oh boy, she never knew how sorry I was for the offense, and I almost sent her family an apology, but thought it might make things worse instead of better for them.

However, my heart is tender. Even during my childhood years, I sensed moments that needed compassion. R was a girl in elementary school with very dry hands that pealed. I'm thinking allergies because my younger sister had the same thing years later. NO ONE would hold her hand, and I always did. You know little girls, they seem to enjoy holding hands.

E was a girl in my 3rd grade class who came from a very poor family. She never had any extra money for juice, so I asked my mom if I could I take an extra nickel so she could have juice. I was so happy that she was just one of the gang drinking juice at recess.

I'm not sharing these things stroke my own ego, but asking you to reflect to determine where you could have done things differently. From those poor choices in how we deal with certain situations, we can grow and be better prepared to handle future situations, just like people who come in contact with Lacey and Christian.

Physical disabilities are just so hard to hide. My dear friend, L, suffers from a congenital defect: she lacks arms and legs. Yet, she is a powerhouse and affectionately known as Taz to those who know and love her. She writes with her feet which are connected by ankles to her hip bones. She is TRULY the most amazing person I have ever known. She drives, has a master's degree, and is retired from a major university after working in the department of disabilities helping others who struggle.

We are fearfully, and wonderfully made. We all struggle, and some more so than others, but God has a plan. Please be courteous, patient, and mannerly when you see someone out of the ordinary. We ALL have feelings!

Made in the USA, or not

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 07:04:03 -0400

Made in the USA or not

Deliberate purchases of items "Made in the USA" is my goal. Shopping is time consuming these days.

Last year, I wrote an article entitled, "My China Pattern." This was an attempt to resolve myself to purchase local, American made, or as close to home (USA) as possible. With the economy in the USA having an extremely high unemployment rate, citizens loosing their jobs and homes, and social services stressed to bankruptcy, I was appalled at just how many items are "Made in China."

Feeling really angry about previous purchases in my home that were "Made in China," I vowed to break "My China Pattern." I have done this. A couple of things have slipped by me when I wasn't paying attention, but has been minor things like a coat hook for $2.50. But, all in all, I have done a wonderful job of being loud and obnoxious in public about my opinion.

My anger isn't directed at the Chinese people and lately, I have been feeling very guilty. I have nothing against the Chinese people. They are just like you and I. They have families who need food, medical care, housing, education, and clothing, etc. They go to work, and return home tired, just as we do here in the Good Ole' USA.

My anger is directed at the amount of debt the USA owes China. This is a political mess that has been made. Why has industry been sent out of the country?

This is a mess born of greed. Cheaper labor means cheaper prices. Everyone wants more, more, more for less, less, less.

Most recently, I have needed some new cookware for my new glass stove top. I wanted some yellow Paula Deen, but guess what? I passed. Yep, "Made In China." Good old Southern Belle, Paula, uses foreign workers and manufacturers. Okay, skip Paula. On to Wolfgang Puck. Uh, Oh, Yep, you got it - "Made in China."

I have spent several days looking for cookware in Sears, and Wal-Mart, and they ALL were "Made in China" except Better Homes and Gardens which was "Made in Brazil." So, I bought two sets of BH&G stainless steel cookware with glass lids! I love them.

Up next, I'm looking for a lighted makeup mirror. I used to have one years ago, and loved it. I don't remember the brand, but it had a dial so you could choose indoor, outdoor, or work lighting. I saw a few at Wal-Mart, but the Conair, and Revlon were, "Made in China." Guess I need to check out Sally's Beauty Supply. Any other suggestions? Wish me luck!

My China Pattern

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 07:04:46 -0400

Article written originally for Viewshound, and also published on AzICeeit.blogspot.com.

Changes in shopping practices require discipline, determination, and patriotism! Patriotism? Take back our country by shopping "Made in the USA!"

ViewsHound Silver Prize Winner
By Carolyn Roberson - Thursday 03 Nov 2011

The word shopping tends to evoke a host of varied emotions within people in the USA. Some use shopping as a form of therapy; thus, the slang “retail therapy” is commonly used in our society. There are a few who detest shopping, and only run into a store to pick up those items that are absolutely needed. Window shoppers go just to have something to do. And, some wives socially shop while hubbies watch football. While my interest in shopping has evolved over the years, the need to shop remains.

Over the past few months, given the recent debt increase the USA incurred from a loan from China coupled with the near government shutdown and credit downgrade, my shopping habits have drastically changed. Purchases are limited to food, medicine, household expenses, and gasoline. Wants are limited to last moment purchases when they become essentials, like new tennis shoes. These changes are even more drastic than those I made a few years ago when the housing market collapsed and the unemployment rate increased.

Earlier this summer, I purchased a nice, inexpensive chair with a footstool to put in the sun room so I could sit comfortably with my niece as she played. While removing the chair from the box, I happened to notice the words, “Made in China.” I really didn’t think anything about it.

A few weeks ago, my sister brought home a snow globe of Aurora, the Disney Sleeping Beauty Princess, and to my surprise, it said, “Made in China.” This kind of sparked a teeny awareness of things in our home made in China.

Unfortunately, I have to admit, that I’ve been like an ostrich with my head in the sand most of my life. I trusted government to run itself. After all, our government was designed to have a system of checks and balances to keep itself in check. Local, national, and world news is boring, negative, nerve-racking, and depressing most of the time, so watching Wheel of Fortune, Frasier, or Ghost Whisperer was an entertaining alternative.

Maybe watching the news is a right of passage into adulthood, and at age 50, I guess I am an adult. I do watch the news and it is quite enlightening. And, I’ve developed a few areas of concern: the trade imbalance between the USA and China, the worldwide debt crisis, jobs being lost to other countries because of unions and/or cheap labor, and immigration.

For the sake of this article, I’m not going to expound on my ideology or philosophy for each of these issues.

Rainy Days and Mondays NEVER get me down. I went window-shopping today. It was cold and raining, so after lunch, the hubs and I went into a store. We were browsing around, and I turned a Christmas ornament over, and noticed, “Made in China.” “Hump,” I thought. The next item was a goblet, “Made in China.” Then, a cookie sheet was labeled, “Made in China.” The list went on and on of things I picked up that said, “Made in China.” 10 out of the 12 things I picked up was—you got it—"Made in China.“ The other two were made in Turkey, and Mexico. I ended up purchasing numbers 13 and 14, two Christmas themed color books at $0.89 each that proudly proclaimed, "Made in the USA!”

I’m breaking my China pattern; I will do my best to only purchase “Made in the USA!”

To stay at home, or not, that is the question.

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 00:04:48 -0400

Stay Home Mom vs Working Mom

Recent, in the news, concerns over the decision of Ann Romney to care for her family within the home as opposed to being a working mom has been the topic of discussion.

Sitting in my 12th grade English Class at Jefferson Davis High School in Montgomery, AL, my career counselor asked the question, "What do you want to do when you graduate?" I told her I wanted to be a wife and a mother. Perhaps that left her speechless because I remember little of anything else. However, having no prospects at the time, my Dad decided I needed to go to nursing school because it would be a good profession for a science minded, single young woman.

As a Christian in the Southern Baptist Faith, my life and decisions are based/made upon that foundation. The foundation that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, born to a virgin, lived a sinless life and died on the cross as an atonement for the sins of mankind. And, whosoever accepts that can have an eternal life in heaven. This is MY belief.

Every person is uniquely individual with their own beliefs. No one is perfect, no one is the same, and everyone does things based on what they think is right. Although, many choose to do wrong, and even that is an individual decision.

Ann Romney is of the Latter Days Saints/Morman Faith. She and her husband decided early in their marriage that staying home and raising their five sons was her contribution to the home, and society. Being a mother is no laughing matter, nor is it an easy task especially to five sons. I know, I have three sons myself.

Making men out of boys is more than watching children grow up. Virtue, honesty, courtesy, integrity, and responsibility, to name a few, are not things that can be learned on the street, unless it is through some intervention program. Nor is it something that they "pick up" on their own. These are character traits that must be instilled, developed, and honed to make reputable future leaders of family and society.

Even King David, the author of Psalms, recognized the important role a woman has to her home, and to her children when he wrote:

He maketh the barren woman to keep house, and to be a joyful mother of children. Praise ye the LORD. Psalms 113:9 (biblegateway.com)

Raising a family in a one income home is difficult. Unless Mitt Romney was independently wealthy through inheritance, it was his drive to provide for his family that made him a wealthy man. And, more than likely, there were sacrifices along the way in order for his wife to stay at home, and care for the home and family.

Education is a key factor in the ability to earn money. Education provides a greater chance of obtaining higher paying jobs. And, remembering that education is a lifelong journey, increasing your marketability through education should be top priority.

Working moms are born, and made. Some women are naturally born, professional women who NEED to work outside the home. My mother, and sister are two of those women. They would go nuts having to stay at home all day. I, on the other hand, am a "made" working mom. I HAD to work to support my sons. Only on occasion have I been afforded the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom.

Many women squander the time spent at home by watching soap operas, leaving dishes in the sink, not having meals prepared for their husbands when they return from work, and ignoring the children. These are the women who give stay-at-home moms a bad reputation.

Too, in today's society, the idea of Mr. Mom has become a trend. Dads raising children is more common. Women who have a good career, and make significant money often choose to continue to work while the husband tends to the home, and children. If it works, it is a good thing.

Working moms, whether by choice or by force, have to learn to juggle their homes, family, and career. It takes a superwoman to be a supermom; something many women have a tough time doing. Sometimes it takes an emotional toll on all involved. And, husbands are asked to take a more active role in house hold duties, and childcare. If it works, it is a good thing.

Some working moms have no support system at all to aid in child rearing and house hold duties. I truly feel for these women. Latchkey children are often left without supervision, and day cares are assembly line substitutes for attention, direction, and affection. Granted there are some wonderful preschool learning programs available, but you get what you pay for. Day care is expensive but, if it works, it is a good thing.

Problems do arise when the already heavily taxed welfare system is burdened with the extra expense of more children to feed due to the lack of family planning. It is a great concern for the tax payers of this country. This program should be viewed as a temporary solution to a temporary problem, not a lifestyle. And, I have worked two jobs, rarely seeing my children, in order to survive.

So, the battle between stay-at-home moms versus working moms will be an ongoing topic of discussion. And, it is my hope, my readers will take away from this message that the decision to be one or the other is a personal decision, and shouldn't be judged by anyone except those personally involved.