AdmHawthorne's Open Salon Blog

Things I Think About

Tue, 30 Mar 2010 16:03:52 -0400

Things I Think About

I really want to go to a theme park.

- Am I too big for the bar to lock in place?

Yes: 0_o

No: I can go.

- Can the contraptions there hold my weight?

Yes: I can go.

No: 0_0 … I’ve finally reached critical mass.

- Can I walk around all day without really resting?

Yes: I can go.

No: I should go to walk around and work off the reason why the answer is no.

- Can I survive an entire day without a real net connect?

Yes: Good.

No: The first step is to admit you have a problem.

I really want to go outside and play in the warm weather.

- Will I get sweaty in less than 10 minutes?

Yes: I think I saw an episode of Xena I hadn’t seen in a while coming on.

No: I can go.

- Will I need to wear shorts?

Yes: People will go blind; I should stay in.

No: I can go.

- Will I lose my nice pale complexion?

Yes: I should stay in or risk losing my gamer card.

No: I can go.

- Can I survive being away from a real net connection for that long?

Yes: Good, that’s healthy.

No: The second step is to know there is something bigger than myself that can help me overcome this.

I really want to go to the pool.

- Will other people be there to see me in a swimsuit?

Yes: Maybe I can wear a cover-up?

No: Let’s go; let me just get my cover-up.

- Will this cause blindness?

Yes: The cover-up is a bad idea; it just makes it worse.

No: Let’s go; let me just put on some shorts and a shirt.

- Can I cover up the flab so people will not go blind?

Yes: The shorts and shirt were a good idea.

No: Oh. My. Gawd. The shirt and shorts don’t fit anymore.

- Can my laptop handle being that close to open water?

Yes: Maybe I shouldn’t touch the laptop with wet hands?

No: It’s good day to stay in and enjoy a nice relaxing day inside.

- Can I survive being away from a real net connect for that long?

Yes: I can always play Elder Scrolls: Oblivion while at the pool.

No: The fourth step is a self investigation of my morals. (Heh, I said ‘self investigation’), and to examine my past errors.

I really want to go to Wal*Mart.

- Is what I’m wearing appropriate?

Yes: I can go.

No: I need to put pants on.

- Can I get into and out of the store within 10 minutes?

Yes: I can go.

No: I’m on a suicide mission.

- Will people notice the purchase of a cake and diet soda together?

Yes: I probably don’t need the diet soda.

No: Hurray for self check-out!

- Am I wearing/doing something that risks being put in peopleofwalmart.com?

Yes: I should stay home… forever.

No: I can go.

- Can I survive being away from a real net connection for that long?

Yes: Good; Some Wal*Marts have free wifi anyway.

No: The fourth step is to make amends for my past misdeeds. (Sorry about missing your 60^th birthday, Grandma. My Druid was only 2 levels away from 80.)

I really want to go out drinking with my friends.

- Am I likely to lose clothing?

Yes: People will go blind; let’s stay in and order pizza.

No: We can go.

- Are we going some place ‘seedy’?

Yes: Sounds like an adventure; let me just make sure I leave everything of value at home.

No: We can go.

- Are my friends likely to leave me some place?

Yes: I’m driving.

No: We can go; let me be nice and drive.

- If I pass out, will my friends do something horrible to me and post it online?

Yes: I still have those unpublished pictures of them from the last night out.

No: We can go… leave all your cell phones in the car.

- Can I survive being away from a real net connection for that long?

Yes: Good… good…

No: The fifth step is to learn to live by a new code… wait, did WoW just drop a patch?

I really want fly somewhere.

- Will the airline charge me for a second seat because of my size?

Yes: Time to rent a car for travel.

No: Happy flying.

- Will the airline charge extra because of the extra weight I’m bringing on board?

Yes: I understand Guinness is looking for a new ‘largest person’; I hope they don’t find me.

No: I can go.

- Can I sit in the seat without having my flab make the other passenger(s) uncomfortable?

Yes: I can go.

No: Why wasn’t I charged for a second seat? Maybe I should just preemptively buy one? That’s expensive. I’ll just send a card.

- Could I stay afloat long enough for rescue if need be?

Yes: What do you know? Flab floats well!

No: Yeah… eating those 2 cinnamon buns was probably a bad idea.

- Could I survive being trapped on a mountainside after a crash?

Yes: I have a lot of stored up reserves.

No: Food… *twitch*

- Will there be a movie on the flight?

Yes: Cool

No: Cool

- Can I survive being away from a real net connect for that long?

Yes: That’s very good.

No: The last step is to help others over come… no, seriously, there’s a new expansion for WoW? Hold on while I get my headset.

If...

Tue, 30 Mar 2010 12:03:37 -0400

If I was a Starfleet Officer, I would be a high ranking admiral that traveled around the timeline via some experimental device. I would fix the timeline issues that would otherwise destroy the Federation, and I would be likened to a legend in Starfleet. Once every decade, I would come and teach a class on survival and a class on early Earth literature at the Academy. I would retire to a time after the return of Voyager, and I would court my favorite captain. If I was a Starfleet Officer.

If I were a Ninja, I would be the best Ninja the world has ever known, but the world would never know I exist. I would know the secrets of all the martial arts. I would have the finest weapons, and I would work for only the most lucrative contracts. I would be feared among all those in my trade. I would retire to a serene yet well protected home in the mountains of Colorado, and I would live out my days teaching other would be ninja how to perfect their techniques. If I was a Ninja.

If I was a Pirate, I would be the worst Pirate ever known. I would be seasick for the entire voyage. I would be awful at pillaging, object to plundering, and would be unable to load my pistol quick enough. The other pirates would mock me for my inability to drink large quantities of rum, and I have no taste for tavern maids. I would probably die within the first three months of becoming a pirate. If I was a Pirate.

If I was a Vampire, I would be a feared Vampire. I would live in the world of Anita Blake, and I would be a day walker. I would have lived for thousand of years and have seen the rise and fall of many nations. I would own property and stock. I would be able to control cats of any kind. The council would not like me. I would be a threat but too feared to attack. I would make alliances with Masters of various cities so that I could travel and do business as I please. I would live in a home in the middle of a well known vampire district, and I would never want for anything that money or power could buy. If I was a Vampire.

If I was a Famous Performer, I would be an award winning Performer. I would be known for my work, respected by my peers, and adored by fans. I would try to present myself in a down-to-earth, reasonable manner, but I would not hide who or what I am. I would make sure I took roles that only portrayed large women in a realistic way, and I would hire a personal trainer and chef. I would work hard to drop the pounds and make sure my fans could see the struggle so they knew even the rich and famous struggle with their problems. I would make sure my family wanted for nothing, and I would live simply somewhere in a suburb in Texas. If I was a Famous Performer.

If I were President of the United States, I would be the most famous President in history. People would start building bunkers or praying because so many would think the end of time was coming. As the first female president, I would have difficulty gaining the favor of many countries that still have questionable human rights for women. As the first openly homosexual president, I would have many at home and abroad wondering if I was the anti-Christ. The political spectrum would be thrown into the largest storm since the health care ‘debate’, and I would only last a one term. The Secret Service would have to triple their security, and I would have to ride around in a bullet proof car. The world would never quite by the same afterwards. I would retire to write my memoirs and travel around the States speaking up for equal rights for the GLBT community. If I were President of the United States.

If I were a Zombie, brains….

If I were a Journalist, I would be a serious Journalist harkening back to the days when reporting the news was something done to inform the public and not for ratings. I would be tough on all sides of the political debates. I would make sure my investigations were not only thorough and accurate but something the public would really need to know. I would never give my political opinion in public. I would always protect my sources. I would never give in to lobbyist from any side. I would value my integrity, and people would know me for it. I would retire to write an autobiography, and I would live somewhere upstate in a small but private home. If I were a Journalist.

There are so many possibilities. I could sit here and daydream away my life with all the things I would do if I were something else.

But, I am only me.

So, everything else will have to be left for the times when I lay awake pondering the ‘what ifs’. But, isn’t it fun to think about it?

Does anyone read anything anymore?

Fri, 26 Mar 2010 10:03:49 -0400

I mean this. I really mean this. In the past three hours, I’ve had as many cases of “if you’d just read it, you’d know what’s going on”. This is basic Work 101. You’re taught in school at a very early age to pay attention to the instructions. Why doesn’t anyone every do that?

When I was in the fourth grade, our teacher gave us a test. She said, “Read the directions and then do the test.” The test was a long list of the most ridiculous stuff you’ve ever seen (as a 4th grader). The instructions were simple, “Read all questions before completing this test. Follow all instructions. Turn in the paper when you’re done.” At the end of the test, there was one final instruction. “Do not do anything listed above. Turn in your paper and watch those who did not follow the directions.” I was the only person in the class who followed the directions. Thus, I was the only person in the class who wasn’t doing the Chicken Dance in the hall outside our classroom door. The lesson here? Read before you do. Otherwise, you wind up looking like a fool.

Now I have a list of directions at work that I follow all the time. I don’t have these because I want them, mind you. I have them because my boss has mandated that all processes have detailed instructions. Her thinking here is, should I not be here for whatever reason, she or someone else will know what to do. These directions are printed and placed in a large 3-ring binder. She gave the final approval on all of them.

We discussed the processes in great and agonizing detail before finalizing them.

So, you can imagine my irritation and surprise every time she tells me she doesn’t remember talking about something that is in this folder already answered questions. You can also imagine my great irritation when she does not follow the process making that much more work on EVERYONE else. Instead, she does what she wants and then says something like, “I wasn’t sure so…” The process is there specifically so she knows what to do in my absence. Yet, she doesn’t do this. If she’s going to ignore the printed directions, why did she bother to force directions to be written down in the first place? It seems like a complete waste of time.

She wants to be cc’d on everything, but she doesn’t read any of it. Therefore, she has no idea what I (or anyone really) is doing at any given point in time…

Point being, if she’d just READ the stuff, she’d know.

Then, there’s the new recruiter who couldn’t be bothered to READ the display on the printer. See, the display said push the “x” button and printing would resume. He had started pulling the printer apart because it wasn’t printing. Forgot reading what’s on the screen first. Nope, that is for pansies. He will just pull everything apart, and that is bound to fix it, right?

I couldn’t stop myself from rolling my eyes as I put the printer back together and pushed the button.

What the heck?!

I am asked to give verbal and written instructions to my boss and the two Recruiters often. I might as well be yelling at a brick wall for all the good it does me. I find I have to send things back two or three times to get it right because they don’t follow directions.

That’s not to say that I’m perfect. Far from it! I’ve messed up with the best of them. Normally, my screw ups are from not proof reading. I’m sure you’ll be able to see that in my little rant here. I normally don’t screw up because I didn’t read the directions, which I suppose is just as bad. But, at least I know what I am supposed to be doing in the first place.

Black Hole of Communicatio Doom (BHCD)

Wed, 24 Mar 2010 22:03:15 -0400

Somewhere between the door to the Accounting Office and the area in which my Boss and I work there is a gigantic void where all lines of communication drop in and are never seen nor heard from again.

If you were to see my office, you would think that was quite impossible since it’s less than 15 feet from one place to the other, and there are only 7 employees in the office. Yet, there it is. It’s this massive, gaping, ugly black hole.

We are not the only place that has this hole. I’ve seen it at other offices, at schools, at colleges, and there’s one so large at our nation’s capital that it almost completely blocks out the entire city of Washington, DC.

When I first starting seeing the Black Hole of Communication Doom (BHCD), I thought it was problematic but workable. After all, you just have open up lines of communication, right? Wrong. In fact, opening up one line of communication causes another line somewhere to shrivel up and die a horrible and bloody death.

Then, I started thinking that maybe BHCD was caused by not understanding how different types of personalities interact with each other. In my quest to a better understanding of personality traits and how people work, I’ve probably taken 20 or so personality tests. (In case you were wondering, I’m a control freak with a soft spot that is really good at managing multiple tasks at the same time, but I don't like to share my emotions, yet I am likely to wind up being a mediator if something starts going south.) But, what I took away from personality testing is most people don’t pay attention to themselves and how they behave, so the likelihood that they would see personality patterns in another human being is slim to none. But, really, who is surprised by this?

So, BHCD is a chronic condition within humanity; it’s not just the workplace, school, or the United States Government.

I think it’s something akin to when the Vancome Lady (Nicole Sullivan) from MadTV puts her fingers in her ears and sings at the top of her voice because she doesn’t want to hear what’s being said to her. In fact, I think we’re all a lot like her when it comes to how “the masses” behave and react.

Confrontational, offensive, prejudice, and able to turn a blind eye to the worst of situations, we, as a race, are good at our impersonations of the Vancome Lady on a mass scale. When you start following that line, it’s only a short period of time until BHCD.

So, here I sit in an office of 7 people with no idea what is going on half the time. It isn’t for lack of trying. It’s because no one is willing to take a step forward and be the first to really offer a compromise that is truly workable. Neither side would agree with this statement; they would say they’re always willing to come to some sort of workable agreement. But, it’s just not true.

Both sides are so stuck in how it “should be” that neither of them will give more than a few millimeters in any direction. I, as the one in the middle with no say in anything, just have to hope that I’m not in the crossfire when things start blazing, and I’ve learned when to duck and cover as time has progressed. But, I need the information that is being withheld, and I need the rules and regulations that aren’t being created because of BHCD.

It shouldn’t really be this way.

If everyone would just take a step back and look at the big picture, things would be so much easier. If we could just see how the “other side” sees it so that an actual compromise could be reached, we’d all be the better for it.

I don’t really foresee that happening anytime soon. I believe that our office would burn to the ground in a historic tailspin of nastiness first.

But, I’m willing to believe that anything is possible even if it’s not very probable. After all, not everyone is the cause of BHCD, and there are those out there that don’t follow the stereotypes. Maybe one of them will be the person in charge of getting things done one of these days?

Hurray for the human condition.

Mind of an Admin Asst

Wed, 24 Mar 2010 16:03:10 -0400

You know, just because I don’t do your job doesn’t mean I don’t understand a few things about the system. I know things. Truly, I do know something.

I’ve been here longer than you have.

I’ve dealt with this system more than you have.

I was here at the conception of the system.

I’ve interacted with more people who use this system than you have.

I have valid answers. I swear to God Almighty, I have valid answers and suggestions.

For you to blow me off and argue with me because my title is ‘administrative assistant’ and not ‘recruiter’ demeans us both. Worst of all, it angers me in ways you cannot begin to understand.

As your admin assistant, it’s my job to make your job easier. It’s my job to know all the loop holes, the go arounds, the contacts, and the how-tos so you don’t have to do it. As your admin assistant, it’s my job to know what to say to your candidates to get the job done, and what to say to the clients to get the right answers so that your life is easier. As your admin assistant, it’s my job to catch the mistakes, to find the missing information, and to have a basic understanding of what you know so I can support you.

If you treat me like some second hand, lower level entity because I’m ‘not a recruiter and don’t know’, you’re only doing yourself ill. By treating me like some sort of uneducated fool when I’m trying to help, you’re telling me you don’t want my help.

Fine.

I’ll sit in my corner of the world, and I’ll do the very bare minimum that I must. I won’t do what you’ve become so accustomed to. I will no longer be your go-to person. I’ll tell you who you can talk to. I won’t go in and find your mistakes if they don’t affect my job. I’ll let you fail. I won’t give you answers when you ask. I’ll tell you where the manual to find them is. I will sit here and do exactly what is in my job description, and you can go spend the rest of your time trying to find all the information that you depended on me for.

Please, be my guest. Stay two or three hours after work to get everything accomplished.

This affects me not.

As long as I do my job according to what the higher level executives expect, I’ll have a job. What will you have when they want to know why you didn’t finish something on time? What will you have when they want to know why you’re not submitting enough people each day?

You have the answer, “I just don’t have enough time to do it all.”

When they ask me why I’m not helping, I’ll tell them the truth. “She told me she didn’t want my help, so I stopped offering and have moved on to other things that might benefit the company. Here’s my list. Would you like for me to foward you the emails where I've offered and they've declined my help so you have a copy for reference?”

The bane of every good administrative assistant is to be treated like dirt. We expect it. We smile. We walk away. We generally try to shake it off.

But, we are human, and our feelings do get hurt. Administrative Assistant Day is not the only time of the year to remember that we make your life easier, and, when we’re doing our job well, you forget we’re even there.

But, because administrative assistants are a dime a dozen, you think you can just find another one to replace this one. How many will you go through before you decide the position is too hard? Is it really the position?

Really?

Yeah, that’s what I thought you’d say.