Anthony Elmore's Open Salon Blog

Terrible Minds Flash Fiction Challenge – Over the Top Pulp Insanity

Fri, 11 May 2012 10:05:35 -0400

Chuck said to throw down on the Pulp craziness. I don’t know if this is pulp but I think I need to check into “Case del Loco” for a while and step into a nice Thorazine bath. This week on the Terrible Minds Flash Fiction Challenge…

—

“This is all happened because they gave Giraffes the right to vote.” Mick said as he loaded a 50 caliber iridium shell into his hand gun. The gun itself had replaced his forearm, using his femur as its stock. It made aiming a dream, showers cumbersome.

To prevent Dolly from going hysterical, he slapped her with his left hand. She then went hysterical so he slapped her again, kissed her hard, slapped her again and then smoked.

At the gates of the Zoo the scent of burnt cotton candy and a menudo of animal shit assaulted his nose like a pack of starved weimaraners. “First you give them the same rights as a man, then they start doing crimes.”

A pore on Mick’s forehead dilated, sending Dolly into another hysterical fit. He slapped hard.

Mick existed the police van, leaving Molly to another hysterical fit. He stood 8 feet tall, his pneumatic stilts adding three feet to his height. He cocked his hand-gun and approached the Zoo gates. The Zoo had been off limits since Dr. Droidberg’s Awareness Bomb misfired and hit the Zoo. Intended to give all kitchen appliances intelligence and self-awareness, it gave the Zoo animals human intelligence and a misguided belief that they had the same rights. Like horde of pox infected Mongols, the insisted on the right to vote, self-determination, interspecies marriage and service at some of the city’s finer restaurants.

“Giraffes, they’re just not good decision makers,” Mick mumbled as the gate neared. “Lions. Now they’re good Republicans.”

A zebra security guard approached. “Halt. You’re entering an interspecies area,” he said through a vocalizer, a box attached to his thorax that translated his thoughts into human speech.

Mick flashed his badge. “Animal Control. The Trans-Species Committeehas given me clearance to pursue an ostrich that had been lifting banks in Sapien territory.” Mick showed him his warrant.

“Proceed, Sapien, but don’t forget here the Animals run the Zoo,” the zebra guard said.

The Zoo was as he remembered it as a child. A brachwork of walkways extended through a variety of exhibits. The animals lived much like they did before and stuck to their areas. Lions lazed in their fake savannahs and the orangutans nattered suspiciously from their tree swings. The cages had no doors or bars. The Animals roamed as pedestrians.

However, in the trees, the Chimp Police took the safeties off their poop cannons and kept him in their sights.

Now past the mammalian district, he entered the avian district. A vile cacophony of screeches, sqawks and chirps played on his eardrum like Buddy Rich on a coke bender. The birds were especially territorial and had ditched singing for rapping.

He passed a cardinal’s roost and it rapped, “Yo’ Animal Control, keep your presence on down low. Youse in Avian space, you don’t be showing yo’ face.”

Mick swatted at the quatrain spewing turd bomber and it flew away. “Punk ass Sapien!” it screeched.

He approached an area cordoned off by a chain link fence where a ragged sign read, “Ostrich Exhibit.” As he cautiously glanced around an authoritative looking ostrich approached the gate. “What’s your business here?” she said.

“I’m here to apprehend a suspect in a bank robbery in Sapien territory.”

“Banks? What do we need with money? We have our own grain and insect farms. We certainly don’t need your resources, except when I want to take my husband out for dinner.”

“That’s for the judge to determine. I’m just here to bring him in.”

Several other ostriches ran toward him. He looked at their long legs that ended with a sharp claw. Once kick and he’d be picking up his intestines like greasy balloon animals. “I have photo of him.”

He showed her the photo and she squawked in annoyance. “That’s not an ostrich. That’s an Emu. Can’t you sapiens tell your flightless birds apart?”

Mick inspected the photo. She was right. “Can you tell me where the Emu exhibit is?”

I used to catch real criminals. Real Animals. Damn those mad scientist with their bombs. Damn Professor Mask U. Lynne and the EstroBomb that made women go hysterical at the slights threat.

Night was falling and the last thing he wanted was to be in the Zoo after dark. “Bats. Hate em’.”

The Emu corral was next to the ostrich exhibit. Emus looked like palm fronds with bird feet and head. He looked at his photo and noticed there was only one Emu in the corral who was leafing through a pulp crime magazine, turning the pages with his beak. That simplified things.

The Emu’s head shot rod straight when Mick approached. “You, by the authority of the Trans-Species Committee, I am placing you under arrest.

“Oh, Shit.” The emu did and ran away toward the back of the corral. Mick pursued him and cornered him.

“Look. I was just having some fun. I didn’t need the money. It didn’t even taste good. C’mon. I’m the last Emu here and I was bored. Gimme a break.”

“Doesn’t matter. I’m taking you in.”

The emu pecked at him, but Mick dogged each attempt. “I’m warning you.” Mick cocked his hand-gun.

“You’ll never take me alive, copper!”

“Your wish is my command.” Mick fired and the bird exploded into bits of bloodied feathers.

“Presto!”

Mick turned to see several animals surrounding him. Mick knew it was all over. Damn the liberal giraffe vote.

“Never liked him much,” the ostrich said. “Always going on about being the last. They should’ve give the Emus the right to vote. Always voting for some ridiculous third party. And his table manners.”

Back in the van, Mick cleaned himself up. “How did feathers get in the back of my pants? I’m never going to get that smell out of my fedora.”

A leaf landed on the windshield and Dolly went hysterical. Mick slapped her and then drove back to the safe, warm and animal odor free auspices of Sapien territory.

Terrible Minds Flash Fiction Challenge: Random Title Generator

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 10:04:08 -0400

I made it far, but not far enough. I didn’t make the semi-finals in the Amazon Breakthrough Novel Award. While I sulk in disappointment, I’m staring at the ground thinking of my next move. I made the top 5% in a very competitive contest, and I should be proud. Also, that’s bragging points on a query letter.

Thanks to everyone who supported me and gave me great reviews.

I didn’t like Publisher’s Weekly to begin with, so my lividity against them was no more or less tart. I didn’t get a scathing review, but it wasn’t glowing like this one.

Win or lose, I heave forward to keep to my task. Harlan Ellison called writing a “holy chore” which is no exaggeration. It’s not as severe as kneeling on rice grains and lashing oneself with egg noodles, but it’s a daily routine of hammering lace from pig iron.

I keeping with this task, below is this week’s Terrible Minds Flash Fiction Challenge. The challenge is to create a short-short story inspired from a random military operation title generator. Clutch your young-uns close and prepare for….

“Operation Wrathful Kitten”

Operation Wrathful Kitten

“General,” the President said, “just where in the hell do you get the names for your operations?”

General Leachy shuddered at the question. He resigned to his training. Keep your back straight. Remember there’s five stars on your lapel put there three presidents ago.

The President steepled his fingers, awaiting an answer.

“Well, Mr. President. We’ve been consulting a cutting-edge PR and advertising firm. They’re a media savvy, ingenious bunch of kids. They did that laundry detergent commercial they played during the Super Bowl.”

The President leaned back in his chair, eyes wide. “You mean the one where it’s just one minute of skinheads torturing a homeless man? What’s company called, again?”

The General recited their name. The President, the General’s assistant, Madame Secretary of State and the two Secret Service men gasped.

“Can you even legally print such expletives on a business card?” the President said.

“I know it’s provocative, but to reach Generation Y through Z you have to be. Now the Firm aren’t even outside-the-box thinkers. You can’t even say ‘box’ around them, because they don’t believe boxes exist. They put all their stuff in “cubic dream vessels.” I wish you could’ve been there during the meeting. Their office is a big treehouse. To keep the creative team on edge, they hired a violent schizophrenic to run around smeared in Marmite. To research the Hunts account, they flew their creative team to Saudi Arabia to watch an adulterers beheading.”

“Madame Secretary,” the President said. “Was I sober when I appointed this guy?” The President stood, looked out the Oval Office window to contemplate on the hedges. “General, all we are doing is a goodwill mission to the African island republic of Djar-Djar to assist the transitional government until they can organize elections. Hell, even the UN favors the mission. And you want to call it “Operation Wrathful Kitten?” Why not “Operation Enduring Liberty” or “Operation Rising Democracy?”

The General had to explain fast. After a President’s 2^nd term, there’s always a round of housecleaning and he didn’t want to be put to the curb. No forced retirement to do some pussywillow motivational speaking tour about “integrity” or “perseverance” at network marketing seminars. He was a born warrior even as he faxed orders to Kabul from the poolside comfort of his Virginia manse.

“Who doesn’t like kittens? 90% of the Internet is all kittens. The team says we didn’t want to seem too aggressive, but not too tame either. And the youth today are wont to support another war. However, they like the idea of us helping the Third World. Anyway, this is just a housesitting job, with air cover.”

The President turned. “The Republicans are going to shove those Kittens down my throat. All of the sudden they’ve turned dove when it comes to military engagements, at least from me. I’m doing this for the right reasons.”

“And I’m with you, sir.”

“Can you at least go back to that firm and ask for an alternate name?”

“Can’t sir. They’ve already printed the T-Shirts, boonie hats, shot glasses and thumb drives. You should see the logo. It’s a fluffy Maine Coon wearing a beret chewing on former President-for-life Mohammed Abraham Haile Selassie Tromba’s head. I didn’t think you’d like “Operation Gnashing Cyclone” or “Operation Bowel-loosening Fire” much better.

The President sighed. “Ok, Operation Wrathful Kitten it is.”

The General breathed a sigh of “Hell, yeah.”

“Thank you Mr. President.”

“By the way, I could use some fresh ideas for the re-election. Does this firm have a card?”

“Um, no Mr. President.”

“Ok, what do they have?”

The General reached into his jacket pocket and presented the President with a mewling kitten with the Firm’s contact info on its collar.

My Food Revolution

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 09:04:35 -0400

Writing is not therapy and whomever says that is too mentally healthy to be a writer. Nor is it a hobby and anyone who calls it that is no writer’s friend and usually thinks TV is a hobby.

But every writer has a hobby. For Hemingway it was fishing. Faulkner adored horse riding and training. For Harlan Ellison, it is litigation. However, I didn’t have one and I had a big zit of angst and rage that was ready to either burst or replace my head. When I finally admitted I was miserable to my wife, she suggested I pursue a passion that I had talked about for many years, but never really gotten around to.

I am a born-again Foodie. No matter how poor I was, I would scrape up enough shrapnel to dine at a local bistro or restaurant. The scent of butter-garlic overpower the bitter herbs of poverty. I worked as a prep chef during my twenties but never really learned to cook.

Most people tell me I’m a really good cook and I retort that I’m a good reader. I can follow a recipe and know the difference between salt and sugar and that the flame belongs under the pan. However, I can’t tell if a steak is rare or medium rare just by touching it. My omelettes were runny monstrosities. I have created trout jerky, blackened french fries and pasta chowder. I didn’t learn writing by reading a book, but by learing from better writers and eating my own bad meals.

Walking into Willliams Sonoma makes me want to prostate myself in front of the $109.00 peppermills. The gleam of copper core stainless steel stock pots make my soul vaporize like finely diced garlic in reduced butter. Yet, giving me such instruments of pleasure is like giving a eunuch discount coupons in Amsterdam’s Red Light District. I wouldn’t know the first thing.

So, I bought Jamie’s Food Revolution, a cookbook for absolute beginners and people like me who want to unlearn cooking. My goal is to learn all the recipes. Also, to augment my goal, I will be taking classes in cooking basics like grilling, sauteing and baking. I want to cook a steak to perfection and make my rice fluffy yet firm. I wan’t to cook so amazing that I never go to a fine restarant again.

I will keep you informed on as I progress toward becoming a Gastromage.

Netbook pas cher chez Samsung

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 09:04:45 -0400

Le Netbook pas cher est accessible à tout le monde

L’industrie netbook reste à être de plus en plus rapidement en dépit de la récession qui a eu lieu est partout dans le monde. Ces ordinateurs portables très transportables ont tendance à être vraiment attrayante pour les gens d’affaires et les étudiants universitaires qui êtes sans cesse active. Ces netbook pas cher ne sont certainement pas seulement très bon marché, mais aussi extrêmement capable et que vous laissez de créer et de consommer matière de contenu Web sans trop de difficultés. Un bon nombre de fabricants de PC peu ont réalisé le potentiel de ce marché, qui est pourquoi nous assistons à un grand nombre d’entre eux vous inscrire à la bataille pour la domination au sein de ce marché.

Samsung est un leader dans le monde entier société qui a décidé d’avoir un coup à sa main dans l’industrie portable transportable super. Leurs articles sont reconnus pour leurs styles modernes et des fonctions révolutionnaires. Exactement la même chose pourrait être signalés en ce qui concerne les Netbook pas cher Samsung. Ces ordinateurs portables sont non seulement bien conçu, mais ils ne le poids à peu près 3 livres, vous permettant de prendre ces gens un peu partout sur vous. Le 10.2 “écran que vous recevez en même temps que ce genre d’ordinateurs portables vous permettent de faire votre travail sans avoir besoin d’une paire de lunettes pour voir l’écran d’affichage correctement. La puce N270 processeur ATOM est une norme dans l’industrie. La vitesse 1,6 Ghz est certainement beaucoup de ne jamais ralentir vers le bas avec une personne de leur travail.

Ordinateurs netbook pas cher Samsung ne sont pas les moins chers du marché et sont en outre pas nécessairement le plus puissant. Malgré cela, ils sont maintenant parmi les plus haut prix des netbooks au sein de l’industrie. Samsung a réussi à se tailler un segment distinct de lui-même en faisant un peu de meilleurs ordinateurs prospectifs netbook dans l’industrie. Cela NC10 bleu noire a été autour de la liste du best-seller pour longtemps, en grande partie due à l’apparition de leur en ma propre opinion. Divers autres produits, y compris le NC110 avec les NC120 aussi sport très efficaces et en douceur semble bon.

Samsung ultra portables portables sont reconnus pour leur vie de la batterie longue durée. Beaucoup d’entre eux comprennent 6 piles électriques qui offrent toute personne ayant jusqu’à 9 heures de travaux en cours. Vous obtenez en outre une connectivité sans fil g ce qui devrait lui être utiles, où vous avez accès à un réseau sans fil haute vitesse.

Différents modèles de Netbook pas cher

Sont listés ici plusieurs ordinateurs netbook pas cher Samsung qui sont offerts sur le marché:

-NC10-11PBK
-NC10-14GB
-NC10-14GBK
-NC10-14GW
-NC10-11GP

La plupart de ces ordinateurs portables sont non seulement remarquablement portable mais extrêmement puissant aussi bien. En outre, vous ne pouvez pas style épuré faute de Samsung et la conception soit. Si vous êtes à la recherche d’une solution abordable pour votre précession petite entreprise ou d’un cours d’études, assurez-vous bien penser à tous ces ordinateurs Netbook pas cher Samsung.

Vous recherchez pour Samsung netbooks?

Nous avons maintenant classé meilleurs ordinateurs Netbook pas cher Samsung pour vous aider à choisir un qui vous convient personnellement. Pour plus de détails sur les netbooks, ou pour recevoir des examens complets des produits et des solutions netbook Samsung, essayez de regarder à travers tant de nombreuses évaluations en ligne comme réalisables. Vous devriez vraiment regarder dans le nôtre aussi.

Gardez à l’esprit, il n’est généralement pas facile de choisir le meilleur netbook pour répondre à vos besoins. Il peut être difficile d’équilibrer la portabilité et les avantages de ceux ordinateur lorsque vous utilisez les spécifications techniques nécessaires pour vous faire toute votre course logiciels.

Ipad 3 est une tablette tactile d’Apple

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 08:04:43 -0400

L’Ipad 3 d’Apple est un monstre de la technologie

L’iPad d’Apple a commencé à expédier le tour de la Royaume-Uni. Les ventes de produits de ce nouveau gadget, plus moderne, ont été considérables avec elle apparaît comme l’une des plus belles pièces d’Apple de vente hors d’eux tous. Comme vous pouvez ou ne pourrait pas comprendre, la tablette iPad 3 sont disponibles en 2 modèles, une connexion WiFi 3G activée en plus d’une WiFi activé. Rester WiFi pouvoir, signifie que vous devez être dans un réseau WiFi afin d’être en mesure d’accéder à l’Internet. Toutefois, si vous sortez variété WiFi, vous voulez une autre méthode de connexion – c’est là que la 3G arrive, mais vous avez besoin d’un Sim pour cela.

La est l’endroit où vous aurez besoin d’un accord carte SIM uniquement pour le périphérique ipad. Soyez conscient que la carte SIM spéciale possède est juste pour l’iPad 3 d’Apple pomme mais pas pour un mélange de gadgets d’Apple pour iPod par exemple d’autres, iPhone ou certains autres appareils Apple.

Vous pouvez trouver en ce moment dans la Grande-Bretagne arrive d’être offert sur quatre principaux réseaux de téléphonie mobile. Comme par exemple, trois Mobile, Vodafone, en plus de O2. Tous les réseaux ont des types de méthodes mettant en commun leurs plans SIM et ils peuvent varier en prix de transfert de données, les limites et les durées des contrats. Il est possible d’obtenir votre carte d’ipad, sur un mois 1 (c’est en fait le maximum), 1 semaine ainsi que un jour.

Ipad 3 + wifi + 3G

Sans doute, la chose de fantastique sur la tablette iPad 3 d’Apple, est ce qui le savent une fois que vous êtes à portée WiFi. Par conséquent, lorsque l’accès gratuit à Internet peut être acquise, il va automatiquement passer le signal à partir de cette connexion. De ce fait, vous ne serez pas manger votre allocation 3G.

Qu’est-ce que vous décidez d’y aller effectivement dépend le montant de votre utilisation projetée. Dans le cas où vous trouvez soi à l’aide de la tablette, voici le descriptif Ipad 3, chaque jour pour à peu près tous de découvrir le web pour regarder des clips sur YouTube, envoyée par courrier électronique, à regarder votre adresse e-mail, vous voulez un 5 Go ou 10 Go Apple iPad comprimé Sim seule carte de beaucoup de garder ces exigences. Dans le cas où vous utilisez uniquement la tablette iPad 3 pour vérifier e-mail plus seulement naviguer sur les sites pendant environ une heure par jour, le 1 Go à prix abordable est plus votre sac. Dans le cas, vous n’êtes pas sûr combien de fois vous êtes susceptible de l’utiliser pour, vous devriez envisager aller pour une des offres 1 jour d’accès sim micro.

La plupart de ces étuis 3G cartes de données 3G travailler d’une manière identique à combiné cartes SIM Seuls, en ce qui concerne leurs plans contractuels. Avec étuis plans de données 3G vous pas lié à un contrat à long terme en plus de la plus longue période de temps que vous prévoyez peut durer de 30 jours. Naturellement, si vous aimez le service, il est possible de renouveler la facile, mais si vous êtes malheureux, s’avance jusqu’à anneau en plus d’annuler et aussi de trouver un accord sur un autre réseau. C’est une façon assez grande d’obtenir 3g, puisque vous avez plus de flexibilité dans le choix même ainsi que sur vos dépenses.