Awma13's Open Salon Blog

Sad

Fri, 25 May 2012 13:05:15 -0400

I'm writing this blog for me. To try to get a handle on things. To put my emotions in word form to figure out what is going on in my head and heart.

I'm not sure why. I'm ALWAYS "sad/depressed"..not sure. I yell at my Grand kids, mostly my Grand Daughter, for stupid reasons. The look on her/their face makes me feel....... satisfied? WTF!

This makes me feel sick inside, after the fact.

I've never thought of myself as a sadistic person but now I'm not so sure.

I'm ALWAYS on edge. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

The past several years have been more than difficult. Job/income loss time and time again. Loss of "THINGS" due to repo or having to sell them. Except for my Husbands 1960 piece of shit truck. It's been in pieces for several years and we've dragged it from one place to another. I bought it for him for his 10th wedding present. Maybe that's why he is so set against getting rid of it. In all the years we've been together, the LAST thing he bought me, with the exception of washer/dryer, was my wedding ring. He rarely makes small gestures but I have to play all giddy and make like it's a huge thing or he pouts. I'm not saying I want him to spend mounds of cash we do not have. But something for my Birthday, Anniversary, Valentines day, Christmas...surprise me with SOMETHING. I ALWAYS do something for him!

I and my husband just past our 33rd anniversary. While this is amazing for this day and age, I constantly wonder why I stayed married to a man I clearly do not love. I am fond of him but mostly I can't stand the sight of him. He’s a welder. He refuses to shower when he gets home. He "prefers" to wait till just before bed. BUT he gets tired and just crawls into bed. I would like to have nice things. Nice sheets, blankets, furniture, etc. A nice house where I have a clean yard. One without car parts or some other thing he’s salvaged because he might need it OR could sell/barter it SOME DAY.

He ALWAYS has time for his friends. He Always does things for them. He will, at the drop of a hat, go help them, wether we’ve had plans or not. I’m ALWAYS last on his list. Thankfully, our Grandson comes in second to his friends.

I ask him to do anything, he sighs and begrudgingly does it, sometimes. Mostly he ignores my requests. So I’ve stopped asking anything of him. We are room mates, at best but I have to share a smelly room. He leaves his clothes, clean or dirty, on the bedroom floor. I've long ago refused to "clean" his side of the room.

We live separate lives. Except, I do ALL the cooking/cleaning.

I'm hoping these feelings are because of the stress from worry. But I'm not so sure. I began to feel this way several years ago. Honestly, I can't remember if it was before all of the lack of income/stability. It's been that long.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME! Why can't I just be HAPPY!

I've tried to talk to him. Explain what I'm feeling and what I'd like to have in our lives and marriage. Things get better for a day or two then back to the way it's always been.

I do not feel I'm asking to much. I know I deserve to be treated with respect...better. NO it was not always THIS bad.

Don’t say get counseling. I can’t afford it.

Things are getting better...REALLY?

Fri, 27 Jan 2012 15:01:12 -0500

I worked in a job that I hated for nearly fifteen years. It simply not in my knowing that I could look for another job...I know.. WHAT?! I was raised that you get a job and retire from that job. Loyalty!

I was "let go" because of downsizing. Basically my job was eliminated and I was not offered a replacement because the company had no money to do so. I’ve applied to every job posting that looked like I could do the job. I’ve been unemployed for over three years. I’ve given up.

I’m fifty three years old but I look to most about ten to fifteen years younger than my age...but when there are one hundred people applying for one job....well, employers can be VERY selective. No, I don’t blame them. They want the best for their company.

My husband, age fifty five, looks much older than his age. He quit doing garage/commercial doors and openers after twenty six years because it was too much for his back, etc. He started working for a "Mom and Pop" welding company. The pay checks began to be later and later and finally they stopped. His Boss continually said...they will be here next week or next Tuesday, etc. I think this was to keep the guys coming in the doors. Yes, there was work being done but apparently, no money coming in. I know, I was thinking the same thing. But my husband is loyal to the end. If the Boss says you’ll get payed then you will continue to go to work.

The entire process took three years. Working but no money for about a year. The company closed. My husband went to work for another "Mom and Pop’ welding shop. History repeated itself after about two years. The past couple of years he has been unemployed about as much as he has worked.

We have long sense gone through our savings and closed our retirement accounts. At first we lived on our credit cards thinking around the next corner we’d be OK. Now we have over six thousand dollars in credit card debt we can’t pay plus two voluntary car repossessions. With late fees and everything else collection companies put on top of that amount...at least forty thousand dollars we owe to someone.

It got so bad last year, we had to get food stamps(If we hadn’t had our grandson, we would have done without)and we had NO money for two months while the unemployment office deliberated as to whether we’d be allowed to receive any more assistance. We got two eviction notices during this time. Talk about humiliating.

My husband is laid off, again. He works about every other month. We’ve learned to not spend anything over and above our minimal living expenses because anything extra is held back...JUST INCASE".

I keep hearing the "government" saying the country is getting better. WHERE?!

I would like to see these government officials live on less then eighteen hundred dollars a month...this includes food.

De Facto Custodian

Thu, 22 Dec 2011 13:12:01 -0500

This is a new legal avenue in Idaho. It has VERY specific requirements, which my husband and I meet.

Because this is so new, We are more than a little nervous. Our Lawyer isn’t even completely sure how to proceed even though it was she who suggested this. Red flags abound, but we are going to push through. Our Temporary Guardianship ends in April, so we have to either get full Guardianship or this De Facto Custody.

Guardianship can be removed my the parent. De Facto Custody can not. This gives the care giver(us) the same rights to custody as the parent. We are still not completely sure if we WILL have custody. If the Judge at the time, if granting the De Facto Custody, gives us actual custody or shared custody, which is not acceptable.

My Husband is very laid back and says whatever happens is it. Me, I stress to the end.

People have said to me things like, "Grandson may have to go with Parent for awhile until you can go through the courts". Yes, perhaps, but my gut says my Grandson should not have to go through life like that for even one second.

I guess we will see what happens.

I can just imagine the smiles and maybe a few tears

Wed, 14 Dec 2011 14:12:28 -0500

Several months ago a friend of mine lost everything in a house fire. It was the most devastating thing a person can go through. Her Daughter, age 12, has had difficulties with losing ALL of HER stuff.

They’ve since cleared the land(and purchased it out right) and purchased a "new to them" manufactured home.

This past week the plumbing and electrical were done and the house put in place. As of Monday there was still no heat but that didn’t stop Cindy from decorating the house. She has gone to the Dollar store and received things from friends, so everything went up. She is picking up the tree this weekend.

Cindy was never one to "go all out" in the decorating department. But since losing everything this past spring, she’s a changed woman. She has decided to decorate and celebrate everything with gusto. I applaud her for that.

I spent a couple of months gathering all the pictures she has sent me over the years. I made(yes made) an album and put all the pictures in it, I including a new born foot print of her Daughter she so sweetly sent met. I also put everything on a memory stick with a note accompanying it requesting she put the memory stick in a safe place...like a bank vault.

Cindy has promised to send me lots of pictures via her cell phone because she hasn’t gotten a new camera(not until she opens one of her gifts...anyway).

Blanche was so much fun to shop for. Though, I can't replace her things, I can start another collection for her. Every year since her birth I've sent her a Marie Osmond doll. I purchased dolls for years but never displayed them. So, when Blanche was born, I knew who would love them as much as I did. So one doll, a new outfit and a few recreated home made ornaments she always loved to put up, in addition to a few surprises were sent out and delivered last Monday.

My son asked me why I spent so much money on my friend. She has never spent much on me. My son is 29 years old. I couldn’t understand why he was being so dense. I raised both of my boys and am raising my grandson, to think of others first. To put yourself in "their" shoes.

I’ve decided I’m not going to explain it to him. If he hasn’t GOTTEN it by now...well anyway.

Holidays are upon us

Tue, 29 Nov 2011 15:11:03 -0500

It's been awhile. There's been numerious migraines. A very long fight with a cold, I assume it was a cold. But you know what happens when you assume.....anyway....Just before Thanksgiving my Grandson starting putting up "his" tree. So not to be out done...I put up my tree. Soon after that, my Husband starting putting up the lights. All before we've partaken of my Mother in Law wonderful Turkey Day spread.

I really prefer getting past Thanksgiving before starting with Christmas decorations, though Christmas is my FAVORITE time of year. Not sure why...the lights or the the colors...the snow(sometimes). Maybe the combination.

Now we are almost a week past this day set aside for "Thanks" and the house is all decorated. The gifts are all paid for and ready for wrapping. I HATE wrapping. But I ususally buy everything on line and am to cheap to pay for "the merchant" to wrap them(if they offer it). Besides, that seems so impersonal.

So here I sit whacking away on my keyboard with a mound of gifts sitting on my bed screaming at me. I say let them scream for a bit longer. Well, except for the once that have to be mailed out this weekend. That reminds me, I still have ornaments to finish...they have to be included in that shippment.

OK...I'll finish the ornaments and wrap "those" gifts.

Maybe I'll just put everything else under the tree Christmas eve O'natural. Maybe not.