John A Bayerl's Open Salon Blog

FOREVER LOVE

Thu, 31 May 2012 22:05:20 -0400

This tiredness

that at times overcomes me

is a mood, a feeling

an awareness

of a lack of adequacy

perhaps

it isn’t a healthy tired

after a job well done

this is bone-weary tired

that even a long night’s sleep

can’t ease

a longing for just one

of those nights

when true peace and serenity

were there for the asking

or the doing

that love makes possible--

and I tell myself

you’re doing what you said you would

and the question remains

deep in my heart

is anyone better for it

am I?

She reminds me:

I will love you always.

My soul

no longer tired.

rests.

John A. Bayerl, May 31, 2012

One of my many friends named Mary; the one who lives near Toronto, reminded me of the importance of writing something each day. The way to write is to write.

Tonight I was invited to a reception at the Cancer Support Community where Gwen and I attended support group meetings from when she was first diagnosed. One of the people there is a social worker who conducted the survivor group that Gwen participated in; she did one of those things that are so important to those of us who never forget the love of our life but fear that others may-she reminded me that it was Gwen who always kept things moving, never giving in to despair, always hopeful, stubbornly making every moment of life count. I too cherish those memories of Gwen as one who just kept going; she breathed life into every day, even on the day she took her last breath.

Tonight I also met Dave and Mary who were in the lung cancer support group at UM Comprehensive Cancer Center. There's always that twinge of resentment that they are still enjoying time together on this earth. Then I remember, as the poem says, Dear, that the gift of love we shared didn't die with you; it goes on forever. You signed your letters that way: Yours, forever.

December 21, 2012 (The day the world ended.)

Mon, 28 May 2012 16:05:34 -0400

December 21, 2012

just another shortest day

like all the rest that have gone before

half the world arose

did what they do

to make it all mean

something

everyone else in the world

slept

they never saw it coming

like the rest of us

suddenly it. . .

John A. Bayerl May 28, 2012

Hope I obeyed all the rules, J. D.

It's a cake, by golly.

Mon, 28 May 2012 09:05:18 -0400

O. K., it's a little crooked; so nobody's perfect.

Could have used your help on that frosting Dear, but, all's well that ends well. Bring on the candles and the ice cream~

THE ECHO OF HER VOICE

Sun, 27 May 2012 10:05:36 -0400

Oh, I’ll be OK I told her

when she asked how it would be

without her

little did I know how strong

I would have to be

for this one simple thing

being alone

each day anew it is forced on me

as I wander about

this big empty house of ours

once filled with laughter

and love

now the echo of her voice

is only heard

deep in my heart.

John A. Bayerl, May 27, 2012

Lately I've been missing Gwen as though it were a year and a half ago, just after she died. She was so right for me, and I miss her presence in my life as a sure and constant center where I could always find peace.

Gwen always baked a made-from-scratch German Chocolate cake for my birthday. In memory of that, I will do the same today. She'll be there in the kitchen with me.

Dear, I'll miss your keen eye that knew just when the frosting that I stirred and stirred over medium heat was a perfect golden brown

FRIENDSHIP BONDS

Tue, 22 May 2012 11:05:59 -0400

Side by side

they gather round

the campfire

of their glowing screens

listen to written words

with eyes so soft

as they battle their battles

struggle their struggles

grieve alone

in the company of others

separated

by miles
and seas

and time zones

and area codes

and zip codes

filled with hope

they form community

forge life-giving bonds

of easy friendship.

John A. Bayerl, May 13, 2012

This is something I shared with my friends on a online bereavement group in which I participate. It was written the day after the date that marked 18 months since Gwen died. Today I feel buoyed and lifted by the friendships I've formed through this blog and other places where it is posted. Also today, two special friends, one in Nevada and the other in England are commemorating the day they lost the love of their life. Susie and Dianne, and the many, many others who encourage and support me each day make real the Swedish Proverb: "shared joy is a doubled joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow."

From the very beginning, ours was always an easy friendship, Dear.