Bliss Warrior's Open Salon Blog

WHEN YOUR STRAIGHT FRIENDS FIND OUT

Sat, 10 Apr 2010 18:04:00 -0400

“I told my friends I’m bi!” Melanie is smiling from ear to ear, and she is utterly adorable.

“That’s wonderful, sweetie,” I say, “What did they say?”

Melanie is a baby bigirl. Only a year before, this 23 year-old redhead discovered the joy of being with a girl. “You will not believe what Bethanie said.” Bethanie is Melanie’s best friend from college.

“What? Did she freak out?”

“Not at all! It ends up she’s bi, too!” Melanie is stirring her water and lime and I cannot take my eyes of her lace-framed cleavage.

“How long has she been bi?”

“For years.” Melanie looks up and smiles devilishly. “But she’s only kissed girls. She’s never gone all the way.”

“Did you tell her everything?”

“I told her I loved making a woman come.” Melanie is delighted that she is now the more decadent and experienced of the two friends.

“What did she say?”

“She wanted to hear every last detail, and it ends up most of our friends are at least bi-curious! Who knew?”

WHEN YOUR STRAIGHT FRIENDS FIND OUT

1. THE FREAK OUT
Some straight friends do not handle it well when you tell them you are bisexual. They get nervous that you will sleep with “anything that moves” and you are no longer trustworthy. If you are in a relationship with a man, they may be scared by the implication that you want to participate in group sex. In fact, the first question out of their mouth might just be, “So, what, you’re a swinger now?”

If your friend freaks out, you may want to avoid discussing sexual topics with her for awhile. Protect your fragile, just-coming-out bi-identity, and share it with those who will support you, ask you sincere questions, and love you for who you are. Give her time and love being your magnetic bi-self. She will see how amazing you are and will eventually want to know more.

2. SHE’S SAD YOU NEVER HIT ON HER
When I was in college and began coming out to my straight girl friends, one acted hurt personally. At first I did not understand why she was sulking and being critical of the girls I had chosen as lovers. One night, we split a pitcher of beer and truth began pouring out of her mouth. She was hurt that I had not tried to be with her sexually. How could we love each other so much if I loved other girls better than her?

It is hard for some straight girls to understand that being bisexual does not mean that you want to sleep with all of your female friends. Explain to her that being a bigirl means that you are open to a connection with a man or a woman. This means you are attracted to the person first, and gender second. Remind her that just because she is straight does not mean she wants to sleep with every man she has ever met. Bigirls are just as picky as straight girls when it comes to picking a lover, and I would even argue that many bigirls are pickier!

3. SHE WANTS YOU TO “TURN” HER
Most girls are bi-curious. When you tell a girl you are bi, you discover just how many women are out there right now fantasizing about loving girls, and many of them are your straight friends! The downside to a girl knowing that you have been with women, is that she may want you to be her first girl. She may be hurt or confused when you express that you do not want to sleep with her because of the friendship, or that you do not feel an attraction to her. Reach out to her and take her out to a lesbian bar. Maybe the two of you can meet girls together that way.

4. SHE’S BI, TOO
Finally, you two can sit on top of a down comforter, with mugs of steaming tea, and share all of your adventures. How wonderful that you finally came out to her so she could come out to you.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOOX
BLISS WARRIOR

PS. Thanks to the wonderful Bell for finding this image!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

ASK MISS BLISS – BI AND TIRED OF BEING PRESSURED INTO THREESOMES

Fri, 26 Mar 2010 12:03:31 -0400

Dear Bliss,

I have a problem being a bi female. Whenever I am in a relationship with a man and he finds out I am bi he always starts pressuring me to bring another woman into the relationship. I think it is fine sometimes but when a man asks me for another woman on more than several occasions, it makes me feel bad, like he isn’t satisfied with just me. Am I wrong to feel this way? I enjoy being bisexual but should I be feeling like I am being used all the time? Should I stop being bi if that’s even possible?

–Tired of Being Pressured Into Threesomes

Dearest Tired,

Of course you are feeling used! Your man is not making you his first priority. A man who truly loves you will recognize that he is incredibly lucky to be dating a bisexual woman. A man who adores you will only want to be with another woman if YOU are equally attracted to her. A man who respects you will never make you feel pressured into having a sexual experience. A man who is committed to you will make your love his primary focus.

1. MANY BISEXUALS ARE MONOGAMOUS
Darling, I don’t know if it is possible to stop being bisexual. If you are attracted to both sexes now, you probably will continue to be throughout your life. But it is important to understand that you can always choose to have monogamous relationships. Being bisexual does not mean that you have to have group sexual experiences; many bisexuals are monogamous. However, if you are dating a man who equates bisexuality with group sex, he may not be the right man to share a life with.

2. NO WOMAN – STRAIGHT, GAY OR BI – SHOULD EVER BE PRESSURED INTO HAVING SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS SHE DOES NOT WANT
If he is “pressuring” you to be with women you are not attracted to, you are not in a healthy relationship. Group sex encounters are only right if all members involved CHOOSE to be there because there is a loving, sexual connection between all individuals. If you have sex with a woman only to please your man, you are lying to her and giving away something sacred: your love. Threesomes can be wonderful, fulfilling, incredibly amazing experiences but that is only possible when no one is being exploited or hurt.

3. EVERY LOVING RELATIONSHIP BENEFITS FROM MONOGAMOUS PERIODS
Many bisexuals who enjoy group experiences explain that although they sometimes open up their relationships to lovers, they also enjoy (and sometimes need) monogamous periods in order for their relationship to grow and deepen. If you are feeling insecure in the relationship, you should not have group sex. Instead, you should explain your feelings to your partner and say that you need the relationship to be monogamous for awhile. A man who loves you will understand and will want to work on bettering your connection.

4. JUST BECAUSE YOU’RE BI DOESN’T MEAN HE GETS TO SLEEP WITH EVERY GIRL HE MEETS
Sadly, I have some male friends who would like me to introduce them to my bisexual friends just so they can have a girlfriend who will “let them” sleep with tons of women. What these men do not understand is being bisexual does not make you a skank who will sleep with anything that moves just to please a man. (There are some amazing bisexual sluts out there who I love dearly, but even they are picky and particular about who they share their love with and they never do anything they do not want to do.) Darling girl, you deserve a man who loves you and who puts you in the center of his life. Bisexual or not, your man should love you with such ardor that you never feel neglected or used.

5. IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP THE CENTER OF THE CONNECTION?
What the wrong men do not understand about bi women in group situations is that the sexual tryst should be about the couples’ connection first. Nothing ruins a threesome more than a guy forcing girls to be together or pushing them to both be all over him. In the right situation, your man wants you to have an incredible experience with him to deepen your connection. By being with you and your female lover, he gets to see the glorious girl who loves both men and women which will bring you closer together. A true partner helps you to become the best version of yourself. If he is making you lie or act untrue for his pleasure, he is using – and abusing – your love.

6. GROUP SEX IS NOT JUST A BAND-AID FOR SOMEONE WHO CAN’T COMMIT
If you are not feeling he is satisfied with you and is using group sex to compensate, your relationship may be in trouble. Group sex does not solve problems in a relationship; in fact, if a relationship is not solid, it can bring you a lot of new ones. If he needs other lovers to feel content in the relationship, he may be having trouble committing fully to you. I recommend seeking a therapist and learning to communicate better with your partner to ensure you no longer feel pressure to participate in unhealthy sexual scenarios.

7. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
It seems that although you do not like the frequency of group sex, you have enjoyed sharing female lovers with your man. If that is true, and you would like to continue having positive group connections, I recommend you really think about what you want and what would make you happy in the future. Maybe you only want to have a female lover if you are really infatuated with her, maybe you only want to have a fling with a third every other year, or maybe, you want to be monogamous for awhile. Decide what you want and communicate that to your man. If you are having trouble knowing what you want, I recommend, again, that you find a therapist who you can sort through these complicated feelings with.

Being bisexual is beautiful, but sometimes it takes a little life experience to understand how to live each day ethically, openly, and lovingly. We have so few friends who truly understand these complicated issues. I applaud you for reaching out to me and want you to know that when you are feeling bad the good news is you are defining what you do not want in your life. In order to feel good again, you have to decide what you DO want.

XOXOXOXOXO
BLISS WARRIOR
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IF YOU ENJOYED THIS BLOG, YOU MAY ENJOY READING OTHER ASK MISS BLISS COLUMNS:
ASK MISS BLISS – HOW SHOULD A UNICORN APPROACH AN ATTRACTIVE COUPLE?
SHE LEAVES ME TONGUE-TIED
SHE’S MAD BECAUSE HER BOYFRIEND AND I WENT ALL THE WAY
MY GIRLFRIEND’S UNHAPPY WITHOUT A FEMALE LOVER
HE DOESN’T BELIEVE I’M COMMITTED
MY CUTE COWORKER IS FLIRTING AND LYING

CLICK HERE TO READ MORE

ASK MISS BLISS – HOW DO I TELL MY FRIENDS THAT MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?

Wed, 10 Mar 2010 16:03:59 -0500

Hi, Miss Bliss,

I have a question on how to deal with explaining my lifestyle to friends. I am only out to a few of my friends as bisexual. And it’s not something I want to tell everyone I come across, because I feel although it is an important part of who I am, it is not the only defining part of who I am.

I am happily married and bi and my husband and I have a girlfriend that comes to visit us a couple times a year. Not only is she our lover but she is one of my closest and dearest friends. So it is more than just physical.

I guess my question is what is the best way to explain this to another friend?

Usually, this is how the conversation goes when the question comes up.
“So what’s up with you and Rachel? You seem pretty close.”
“She’s my long distance girlfriend.”
“How does your husband feel about that?”
“She is his girlfriend, too.”
The usual response to this is a look of shock and a “eeew”, or “Oh, I don’t do group sex.”

Now I’m trying to avoid these hurtful responses because what we have is more than sex. It’s beautiful. I’ve never been closer to two other people in my entire life. I love them both dearly. But I don’t know how to disarm the “eeew, that’s creepy” look from friends that inquire.

Any advice will help.
Thank you, Bliss.

XOXO,
SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS TO THE “EEEWWS”

Dearest Searching,

You and your husband are truly lucky to have a long-term friend and lover. It is also wise that you choose who to share this information with carefully, as there are many people out there who are currently unable to understand your unique relationship.

I do know that it takes strength to come out to close friends, and it hurts when those friends do not react supportively. Some bi-girls are so pained by their friends’ reactions that they stop coming out altogether and may even stop identifying as “bisexual” in an attempt to protect themselves from future hurt.

So, the question is, how do we frame the conversation so our straight friends understand and can react supportively?

To answer this question, we must first look at why our friends usually react with an “eeeww.” When we know the underlying beliefs that make them fear bisexuals and complex relationships, we can find better words to explain our subculture for what it truly is: loving, ethical and – (often surprisingly) – normal.

1. THE PROBLEM: THEY ASSUME YOU USE WOMEN FOR YOUR MAN’S PLEASURE.
If your friend is a girl, there is a high chance that she is freaked out by your relationship because it implies that you will “use” another woman to fulfill your man’s fantasy of a threesome. In her mind, no woman would “voluntarily” sleep or date a couple because there is no potential for a “real” relationship.

THE SOLUTION: STRESS HOW EGALITARIAN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS BETWEEN ALL THREE PEOPLE
Because it is so hard for some people to find even one person to love, it seems shocking that three people could all love one another equally. Stress to your friend that you and your man both love your lover equally and she loves both of you. Explain that there are never any games and she is not trying to “steal your man.” Instead, you have learned to appreciate your primary relationship because it is the love that you share with your husband that makes her attracted to you both. Plus, because you have a stable relationship, you and your man do not bring any drama into your lover’s life; instead, you use your love to shower her in joy, kindness, and adoration. Since your friend will be surprised by all of this, acknowledge how surprised you were to learn that this kind of relationship was possible and actually easy! The more you remember your own suspicions of threesomes and group sex before you discovered your bisexuality, the easier it will be for your friend to feel safe and understood.

2. THE PROBLEM: THEY ASSUME YOU HAVE NO BOUNDARIES AND ARE A SLUT.
When you tell a friend about you and your husband’s female lover, she may think that you are a slut and this is your way of “testing the waters” with her.

THE SOLUTION: TELL HER YOU ARE NOT HITTING ON HER AND ARE VERY PICKY WHEN IT COMES TO LOVERS.
Before you start telling her about your lover, first make it known that you are not coming out to hit on her. Tell her she is a very dear friend to you and compassionate enough to share this private matter with. Explain right off the bat that you are very picky when it comes to female lovers, and would never embark on any group situation unless all three individuals connected emotionally and physically. When you do tell her about your lover, say that you are shocked that you found someone who you and your man connect with so deeply. Girls are funny creatures; even the straightest girls will be sad that you are NOT hitting on her when you explain you are “picky.” You never know, the girl who might have said “ewww” in the past may just start thinking, “Why doesn’t she like me?”

3. THE PROBLEM: THEY ASSUME SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP
When hearing you and your man have a lover, some may assume there is a problem in your marriage. Either you or he cannot commit, are no longer in love, or are not sexually compatible.

THE SOLUTION: EXPLAIN IF THERE WERE SOMETHING WRONG, YOU WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO SHARE A LOVER LONG-TERM
A solid two-person relationship takes a lot of communication to work. A solid three-person relationship needs even more communication, care and work to last long term. Just tell your friend that in a study by Lisa Diamond, M.A. on sexual fluidity it was the bisexual women who were more likely over time to have a successful relationship. “Why,” your friend will ask. And you will say, “Because bi-girls seemed to have better communication skills with their partners than their straight or lesbian sisters.” If you and your man have a long-term lover, this is a sign of something right between you. No woman is going to date a couple if they are fighting, detached or out-of-sync. It is the calm and quiet love that you share, full of honesty and respect, that is attractive to a third and makes the relationship last.

4. THE PROBLEM: THEY ARE IGNORANT ABOUT BISEXUALITY AND GROUP RELATIONSHIPS, SO THEY ASSUME YOU PARTICIPATE IN A “PORNOGRAPHIC” LIFESTYLE OR ARE A “SWINGER”.
Straight friends usually have negative stereotypes about bisexual culture because all they have been exposed to is pornography or “lifestyle” swingers. In both pornography and swinging, the focus is on hook-ups, not love or relationships. Partners do not need to have any emotional connection to have sex, so the straight world assumes that group sex (especially bisexual sex) is loveless, anonymous, dirty, and abusive.

THE SOLUTION: EXPLAIN THAT YOU HAVE A LOVING, HONEST, EMOTIONAL RELATIONSHIP SHARED BETWEEN THREE PEOPLE.
Let your friend know that pornography does not reflect how you live your life. Unlike porn or swingers, you do not have casual hook-ups that are emotionally meaningless. Your love affair is based on a deep, intimate friendship and the sexual connection is an extension of it. Let your friend know that you are telling her about your relationship to contradict these ridiculous stereotypes. Say that the reason why your relationship has lasted is because of the deep emotional ties the three of you share. Anyone who has participated in a group relationship knows that what porn can never capture is the sweet innocent joy of sharing love between three people.

5. THE PROBLEM: GOING DOWN ON A GIRL IS JUST GROSS
Some straight friends react with an “eeww” just thinking about a girl going down on another girl. “Lesbian sex” can be a terrifying for some straight girls who suddenly think of “fish smell” and other silly vagina-shame thoughts.

THE SOLUTION: LET HER KNOW HOW SURPRISED YOU WERE TO DISCOVER HOW AMAZING GIRLS ARE TO MAKE LOVE TO
Almost all bi women have experienced a time in their life where they wondered if they could really go down on a girl. Remember what it was like to have that fear and be compassionate for your straight friend. Tell her about your fears before your first time: did you worry about being able to make her climax? Did you worry her taste would be sour? Then, let her know how wonderful it was to get beyond your fears and love a woman. Let her know how empowering it was to make a girl quiver and jump with just your tongue. Tell her how surprised you were by how wonderful she tasted and how you could have stayed between her legs all night long. Lead by example, I say. The more you are proud of your life and your loves, the easier it will be for your friends to be proud of you, too.

REMEMBER: IT IS ONLY THROUGH KNOWING PEOPLE WHO HAVE SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS WITH MULTIPLE PARTNERS THAT WE WILL COMBAT STEREOTYPES THAT LEAD TO THE “EEEWW”.

Not all friends will react the way we want them to and that is okay. Try to understand that they are your friend because they are supposed to learn from you. Try not to be hurt when their fear prompts ignorant responses from them. Be proud of who you are and they will come around. They always do.

XOXOXOXOXO
BLISS WARRIOR
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DEAREST READERS, SO SORRY I HAVE NOT POSTED ALL LAST WEEK. I HAD AN AMAZING TIME IN NEW YORK AND A WONDERFUL NYC BRUNCH THAT I WILL WRITE ABOUT SOON, BUT ON MY LAST DAY THERE, I GOT A HORRIBLE CASE OF THE FLU. THIS FORCED ME TO STAY LONGER THAN I HAD PLANNED AND I ONLY GOT BACK TO LA THIS WEEKEND. SO PLEASE FORGIVE THE INTERRUPTION IN POSTS. I AM PLEASED TO REPORT THAT I AM HEALTHY AND HAPPILY RECOVERED. I HOPE YOU ALL HAD A WONDERFUL THANKSGIVING AND LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING ALL ABOUT YOUR HOLIDAY PLANS. XOXOXOXO BLISS WARRIOR
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IF YOU ENJOYED READING THIS BLOG, YOU MAY ENJOY READING:
ASK MISS BLISS – BI AND TIRED OF BEING PRESSURED INTO THREESOMES
ASK MISS BLISS – HOW SHOULD A UNICORN APPROACH AN ATTRACTIVE COUPLE?
SHE LEAVES ME TONGUE-TIED
SHE’S MAD BECAUSE HER BOYFRIEND AND I WENT ALL THE WAY
MY GIRLFRIEND’S UNHAPPY WITHOUT A FEMALE LOVER
HE DOESN’T BELIEVE I’M COMMITTED
MY CUTE COWORKER IS FLIRTING AND LYING

Click to read more…

CAN GARLIC MAKE YOU SMELL PRETTY DOWN THERE?

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 18:10:49 -0400

Sometimes embarrassing, strange odors can develop in our most private parts. Ladies, I know this is not the prettiest thing to talk about, but it certainly is important. There are a variety of reasons why odors can develop; perhaps a tampon upset your pH balance or a cheap lube created a nasty reaction. Occasionally, a yeast infection or bacterial infection can cause icky smells, as well.

But before you run off to purchase over-the-counter yeast infection medicine, there may be a natural alternative that will return you to your freshest state: garlic.

A fabulous bi-friend of mine recently had a bout with a strange smell and initially panicked, certain she had contracted a horrible STD or something (even though she plays quite safely). But after some Internet research, she read that placing a clove of garlic inside her vaginal cavity was a natural way to restore her body’s natural pH balance and end any funky odors.

Being a clever cat, she took a string out of an unused tampon, bore a hole in the clove of garlic and laced the string through the hole. Securing the knot at the top, she then inserted the clove and went about her day.

By the end of the day, she could taste the garlic on her tongue but when she removed the clove, the funky odor was gone. The next morning, she smelled so fresh and so clean she called me with delight. “It totally works! Garlic is a powerful healer.”

Indeed it is.

FOR MORE INFORMATION ON GARLIC AS AN INFECTION HEALER, PLEASE READ:
INFECTIONS AND INSURRECTION: WOMEN TREATING YEAST
HOW TO TREAT A VAGINAL INFECTION WITH A CLOVE OF GARLIC

XOXOXOXO
BLISS WARRIOR

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IF YOU ENJOYED READING THIS POST, YOU MAY ENJOY:
THE DRUG-FREE SOLUTION TO HEADACHES
THE ONLY ZERO-CALORIE SWEETENER THAT WON'T CAUSE CANCER

CAN GARLIC MAKE YOU SMELL PRETTY DOWN THERE?

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 17:10:46 -0400

But before you run off to purchase over-the-counter yeast infection medicine, there may be a natural alternative that will return you to your freshest state: garlic.

A fabulous bi-friend of mine recently had a bout with a strange smell and initially panicked, certain she had contracted a horrible STD or something (even though she plays quite safely). But after some Internet research, she read that placing a clove of garlic inside her vaginal cavity was a natural way to restore her body’s natural pH balance and end any funky odors.

Being a clever cat, she took a string out of an unused tampon, bore a hole in the clove of garlic and laced the string through the hole. Securing the knot at the top, she then inserted the clove and went about her day.

By the end of the day, she could taste the garlic on her tongue but when she removed the clove, the funky odor was gone. The next morning, she smelled so fresh and so clean she called me with delight. “It totally works! Garlic is a powerful healer.”

Indeed it is.

FOR MORE INFORMATION ON GARLIC AS AN INFECTION HEALER, PLEASE READ:
INFECTIONS AND INSURRECTION: WOMEN TREATING YEAST
HOW TO TREAT A VAGINAL INFECTION WITH A CLOVE OF GARLIC

XOXOXOXO
BLISS WARRIOR

***************
IF YOU ENJOYED READING THIS POST, YOU MAY ENJOY:
THE DRUG-FREE SOLUTION TO HEADACHES
THE ONLY ZERO-CALORIE SWEETENER THAT WON’T CAUSE CANCER