Chris Brown (not the felon)'s Open Salon Blog

A cowboy's llama(ent)

Wed, 3 Mar 2010 13:03:04 -0500

As night encroached upon his soul

the cowboy sipped from trembling bowl

His supper, chilled, his heart like coal,

A cloak to hide from wandering trolls.

He added wood to stoke the fire,

and laid out traps of springs and wire.

His head did nod, his eyes did tire,

but fear of trolls did not conspire

to keep him up, or cause no sleep

'though noises come as creatures creep

in dark recesses, cold and deep...

the kiss of death for half his sheep.

Far off in the earie night

the wailing of a wolf gave fright.

His flock of sheep were huddled tight

to save themselves from horrid bite.

The llama then arose, took charge.

Though average height, he was quite large.

More fierce than guns held by a Sarge,

his spit would sink an ocean barge.

The wolves retreated, scratched and damp

that llama's style they would not cramp,

on paws she stomped, on heads did tramp

'till peace returned to cowboy's camp.

An emotional train wreck

Fri, 5 Feb 2010 02:02:07 -0500

Forgive me today. I may look the smiling happy-go-lucky fellow that I normally am. But I am distraught. Distraught beyond words. But I will try to put my distraughtness into words. Even though I am beyond them.

I have found myself in a lovely town called Las Vegas. I am surrounded by neither friends nor family. And I am sitting in a cold, callous hotel room wishing that I could be at a warm, friendly place called Almosta Ranch. Torman and Mel are going through a time that no parent on the face of this planet should ever have to go through. They are contemplating going out to say good-bye to their son. They received a call telling them that it looks like their son doesn't have more than a month to live.

As the father of two daughters I simply cannot abide the thought of having either of them pre-decease me. It would cause me unbelievable heartbreak and torment. The distress I feel for Mel and Torman are beyond words. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Nothing.

In the word of the inimitable Lloyd Elliot.... Fuck. Please join me in praying to whomever or whatever higher power you believe in, to make this journey less painful than it appears it will be.

I am crying rivers of tears. I have no words to describe my heartfelt pain for them.

I don't know what to do.

Good news Sunday: Checklists to live by

Sun, 31 Jan 2010 10:01:13 -0500

Life has three check lists, the way I see it. Checklist #1 is for mandatory things. Checklist #2 is for nice to have things. Checklist #3 doesn't have any entries yet, but I refuse to go through life with only two checklists. I guess the first entry should be "Create checklist #3."

Checklist #1 has only one item. "Wake up." Everything after that is pretty much gravy (but I refuse to call checklist #2 the Gravy Checklist because people would just get the wrong idea, and be showing up at my front door with knives and forks at the ready.) Although don't get me wrong... there's lots of food items on checklist #2. And beer (which is a food group unto itself, and as such could very well head up checklist #3 once it figures itself out.)

But today is Sunday. And the good news... the really, really Good News... is that I have completed checklist #1 for today. January 31 2010. I woke up.

"Check."

The truth behind WSFTC

Sat, 30 Jan 2010 15:01:17 -0500

I'm sure that most people who will read this, know the lady of whom I am speaking here. Will Someone Feed the Cat has done what I consider, yeoman's work here on OS and has made this community fun, friendly, and... well... fun again. So I stumbled onto her blog in the real world and thought that those don't really know her might be interested to hear what, exactly she does with all her free time. Curlers in the hair, fuzzy slippers, sipping gin and tonics. That's kinda what I suspected.

The fact that she does all the stuff she describes (and this is a typical week for her) and then does all the stuff she does here on OS... well... it makes the male in me week in the knees. Nobody will ever accuse me of being able to multi task. I have no idea how she does all this. This was posted last Friday...

"I have been a terrible blogger lately. I know that. But it is not that I have nothing to say, it's just trying to find the time, or, knowing me, managing the time better.

I found out a couple of weeks back that I would be heading to Kelowna tomorrow. I will leave Kelowna in a SmartCar and spend 4 days driving to Whitehorse. I'm going back to the Yukon! This makes me very happy. After my trip there in July, I was desperate to get back there in winter. But as you may recall, I left in an RV. I will be going back in a SmartCar. In January.

The junket continues on up to Nunavut, but my boss will be taking the car from Whitehorse and I fly home. It'll be a crazy, tiring week, and I can't wait.

But before you can disappear for a week, planets have to be aligned. The boys (and the Poor Sod) are fine when I go - they barely notice. But I like to load in food and leave the laundry done. I keep loading in food, and they keep eating it. I have to check for dentists appointments and exam schedules and leave notes. I wrongly believe the world grinds to a halt in my absence. This is not so, but I think it is.

I usually file columns on Mondays. This means two additional columns had to be filed in advance. Which means they had to be written. This is doable. But I'm also on a committee here in Burlington that will launch on Monday - the day I leave. I'm the Communications Director, which means in a matter of weeks, we've produced a website, developed a communications plan, and organized press releases. It's an important committee - we plan to talk to as many residents of Burlington (pop: 165,000) as we can in the next few short weeks, and be able to tell politicians what we have heard.

You know what a committee is right? You've heard that joke about a camel is a horse designed by a committee? I'm working with some fabulous people, but you also know I ain't much of a team player. A final meeting yesterday saw me absolving myself of any blame for the coming week. "No internet," I lied. I don't think they'll miss me, to tell the truth.

So. Going to meetings all the time. That's new for me. Going to Mark's Warehouse and buying flannel lined jeans is also new. I finally opened the travel docs for the trip, and realized I can only take carry-on. Dunno what I was thinking - we're traveling for days in a SmartCar ferchrisakes. I purposely peeked at one while in Detroit. This will be an experience.

At Mark's, Ari saw me come out of a change room.
"You're really going to wear those?" he asked me. I hadn't even asked "does my bum look big in these?" I knew. And now it was confirmed. I also bought these puffy, warm socks. I already have a good coat from when they sent me to Sweden. In January.

I whined to my editor that I'm always on ice floes. "Oh, well, why didn't you say so?" he asked innocently. "I just turned down trips to, lemme see, Rio de Janeiro - you don't speak Spanish, Capetown, you'd get tired from the long (business class) flight, Madrid - no, you'd complain about the junky airport, Miami and Phoenix - far too dangerous for someone as sensitive as you"

CTS called and asked if I could tape a show on Friday. Oh sure, I said. What's an hour of time for a show? I forgot the hours of time to cram on current events behind the show. A national magazine contacted me this week, wanting a parenting piece. This makes me very happy, and I jumped at the chance. "When's your deadline?" I asked. It's for the April issue. "Uhm, Friday the 29th," she said. I heard her duck. I said I'd have it done before I went away. I'm working on it as we speak.

Because everyone thinks I don't really work hard, none of this is making a dent, I know. But I started getting a cold on Tuesday. I never get colds. I pictured me in the Yukon, in a SmartCar filled with Kleenex. I asked my doctor if that ColdFX stuff works. She said no. I bought it anyway. It worked.

I had to pick up new glasses. They were ready, which was great. I noticed on Thursday I was getting a sty in my eye. At least the cold was going. I freaked out and started trying to treat the sty. I now pictured being in the Yukon in a SmartCar with a patch over one eye. Wearing pants that make my ass look a mile wide.

Today, I have my columns written. The TV show is in the can (Behind the Story, 7pm, CTS tonight). The magazine article is awaiting a final interview this morning (yes, Sunday) at 11 with a guy in Texas. There is a pile of fat pants on the bed sitting beside a tiny suitcase. I sent a kid to find my magic wand. I think I've wrestled the sty under control and the cold.

Lookout, Yukon. I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!"

Don't know 'bout you, but I think she deserves a big round of applause when she gets back.

Element-ary beginnings

Fri, 29 Jan 2010 09:01:48 -0500

The fire burned throughout the night,

consuming all, within it's sight.

The planet simmered, hot and boiling,

rocks exploding, lava roiling.

Underneath this molten mass

of melted iron and caustic gas,

a change occured, amongst this potion

that set a whole new wheel in motion

The planet turned and started rolling

as if a bell had started tolling.

The mixture had become just right

to pluck this planet from the night.

And so it spun along it's path

and then, as if to quench it's wrath

a wind arose and cooled some crust,

and water filled what wasn't dust.

and from the mist a thing arose,

opposable thumbs and unwebbed toes.

But only God could have conspired

to make a band... Earth, Wind, and Fire.

With a special shout out to scanner. Without his help on how to put up video, this video would have stayed buried deep within the fiery bowels of the World Wide Web.