CZPhoenix's Open Salon Blog

"What Can I Do?"

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 13:02:57 -0500

What Can I Do?

"What can I do:" the young girl asked, as she lit a candle for equality.

"What can I do?" the mother asked, as she lit a candle for hope.

"What can I do?" the grandmother asked, as she lit a candle for humanity.

"What can I do?"

We all read about atrocities leveled on women. Wome everywhere. Afghani womem. Iranian women. Women in the Congo. Women is Sierra Leon, Iraq and yes, the United States of America.

"What can I do?" You can support organizations that assits women in crisis. You can donate money. Yes, your hard earned cash. Even a quarter, a dollar. It all adds up when combined with other donations. Donate your time. Volunteer at a Woman's Shelter. And you can pray, regardless of your religion, you can add your energy to the energry of others.

"What can I do?"

When we chose to pick up even a tiny piece of the gauntlet thrown down by inhumane treatement of women, we lessen the chance of it continuing. When we shine the spotlight and draw attention to what is happening, we make it harder to happen again. When we speak out in unison, our voices joining others, we create a symphony that is impossible to ignore.

What I can do. Yes! What I can do. Not myself, alone, but myself, linked to and through all of the other women in the world.

What can't I do?

On Being a Mother-in-Law

Sat, 30 Jan 2010 09:01:55 -0500

I am a mother-in-law. I have wonderful relationships with all of my daughters-in-law, but that is because I have strived very hard to have that kind of relationship with them. I am also the mother of a soldier, stationed far from where I live. My daughter-in-love, as I prefer to call all of them, makes sure that I stay in the loop regarding my son, especially when he's deployed.

This relationship didn't just happen. You see, I had a mother-in-law who was awful. She hated me from the moment I married her son, and went out of her way to make my life miserable, so miserable that the marriage eventually broke up because of her. I swore then that I would NEVER be that kind of mother-in-law. And I have done everything in my power to not be like that woman.

My son was recently injured in Iraq. My beautiful daugther-in-love called me as soon as she found out. She called me several times each day, especially after she heard from my son, to tell me how he was doing, where he was, and what was going on. She loves me. She calls me "Mom" and I never asked her to or told her that she has to. She does it because she loves me. I am deeply moved by that kind of love, and I get it from all of my daughters-in-love.

Should a mother go to a home coming after a deployment? Sure, if she's willing to follow a few ground rules. She is not first. Let the daughter-in-law race into her husband's loving arms. Let him smother her with hugs and kisses, then let him turn his attention to the children that they may have. Let him hold them and cry over them. Give them space. They love each other. They have missed each other. Don't feel badly if he doesn't hug you instantly. He will come hug you and he will be genuinely glad to see you, even grateful that you are there, because you put his wife first. He loves you. It is a deep love. But that beautiful woman that he married is his world, his reason for breathing, his reason for staying alive in a very dangerous situation and the reason that he cherishes his life. Stand back. You aren't on the back burner. You will see.

Part of being an effective, loved mother-in-law is being willing and able to let go. You have raised him. You have given him the foundation upon which he will build his life. You have led him to the path of adulthood. Now, let him go. That's his path. That's his life. You can't walk it for him. You can only take the path next to him, being there when he turns to you. You are important as you are the foundation.

Many years ago, I told all of my sons that I would accept and love whomever they chose to marry, that I would not question their choices, neither would I criticise them or their choice of partner. I would openly and lovingly accept that person into my life, stand behind their decisions. I have a hands off policy when it comes to my grown children and their relationships. I am there if they ask for advice, but I do not step in with the advice.

Every couple of days, I text my daughters-in-love and tell them "I love you! I miss you!" This is sincere. I do love them. I do miss them. But I do not interfer with their family life, their love life or anything else. As a result of my complete open acceptance of my wonderful daughters-in-love, they love me deeply. I raised wonderful sons for them to marry. That's why I had sons.

Let go of your son. It's the richest gift you will ever give yourself. Once you let go, you will find that the love comes back a thousandfold. Be there for your son, your daugher-in-love (start thinking of it that way, it is a wonderful help) and your grandchildren. But don't try to run their lives. Let them do that. Let them make mistakes, that will make their triumphs so much greater.

My Army son is now convalescing several thousand miles from me. He doesn't call me every day. There's no need. We know that we love each other. I didn't fly out to be with him, as I knew that my daughter-in-love was perfectly capable of handling everything. She's brilliant, she's wonderful and she is a great mother and wife. Why would I want to interfer with that?

Do everything you can to engender a terrific relationship with the woman that your son marries and you will deeply enrich not only your life, you will enrich her life and his life and their life together.

The Joy of Parenting

Wed, 13 Jan 2010 11:01:12 -0500

The other day, I posted a video of a tour of the FOB that my son, David was serving at during this deployment. He is no longer at FOB Grizzly. He's in Germany, in the hospital. I am glad that he's going to be okay.

There are many joys in parenting. Watching the first step. Hearing the first word. The first day of school, graduation, and many others. One of the joys that is left out is finding out that your adult child has been injured in a combat zone.

My youngest son, David, enlisted in the Army shortly after 9/11. He is with the Stryker Brigade Combat Team out of Ft. Lewis, Washington and has been in Iraq three times. In fact, until yesterday, he was on his third tour, counting down the days to his mid-deployment leave. Then, yesterday, he was in a Stryker that rolled.

Now, Strykers are notoriously top heavy, but they are a very good, very efficient vehicle. They carry a 12 man Infantry team for rapid ground deployment. They are designed to work well in urban warfare situations, but they roll over very easily.

David broke his left femur in the roll over, so he’s no longer in Iraq, he’s in Germany, where he was airlifted to an Army hospital. He’s doing fine. I chatted with him for a few minutes online earlier today. He’s going to have to have his femur pinned, as it is a spiral fracture, but he will eventuall y heal completely.

I am very proud of David for his service to this country, even though I have never quite adapted to him being in harm’s way. I wouldn’t have him go back in time and make any other choice. Watching him grow into the man that he is today has been truly rewarding, and very full of joy. But the true joy of parenting is not finding out that your son is injured, it’s hearing him say that he’s doing well, and that he will be fine. He’s bruised. He’s a little broken, but his spirits are high, his smile (when he remembers how) is still there and he’s coming home as soon as the hospital lets him.

Tour of FOB Grizzly, Iraq

Fri, 8 Jan 2010 14:01:07 -0500

This is where my son, David, is currently stationed during his third year long deployment to Iraq.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CnL0JK9x09I

Daddy Doesn't Talk Much Any More

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 15:12:59 -0500

Daddy doesn't talk much,
He sits in his room.
Daddy doesn't talk much,
He keeps the curtains closed.
Daddy doesn't talk much
Since he came home.
He sits all alone
He never hugs me.
Daddy went to war
To defend you and me,
And now
Daddy doesn't talk to us any more.

I know it's wrong to be so mad.
My actions make my children sad.
Each little noise, each separate smell
Brings me back to my days in hell.
I know it's wrong to want to cry
Bull all I see is watching them die.
I can't go out and play with my son
Forever fearing a sound that makes me run.

I don't see hope.
I don't feel love.

I know it's wrong to stay so mad.
My anger makes my loved ones sad.

It take the courage and strength of a soldier to ask for help:

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/?gclid=CNDn_c7K854CFRRlswod5WZRKA