DearOprah's Open Salon Blog

Liberation!!!

Sat, 11 Dec 2010 03:12:31 -0500

Dear Oprah,

This isn't something I talk about openly, at all! But, I think it's important and I think, after I did...what I did, and started opening up a dialog with other women about...what I did, I think we should make a movement. I know if there is one person to start a movement, you will be the person.

Well, I read Portia deRossi's book about how she struggled with her weight and eating disorders and trying to fit into an image that seems to be so prevalent in Los Angeles. It's only when I leave this city that I see how screwed up it is, and I'm not even on television. Ok, I'm trying to be, but mostly and more passionately, I'm in the fitness industry and in that industry as well, it's super important to 'look' the part otherwise people won't take your classes or hire you privately. You want to look the way others want to look. But, you also need to walk the walk you talk to them about - living a healthy lifestyle of balance with a healthy and balanced view on food and exercise.

I have a very stable, strong and balanced viewpoint on fitness and food and live it.

I love it and think it's why I do well in an industry that is so dense with professionals trying to make it their life's work.

It's not a 'day' job for me. It's a mission. And it has been since I was very young.

You might not have been able to see it in me because I was an overweight kid with a lot of self esteem issues.

Now, here I am in my late 30's and not by any egotistical means do I write this, but I am in my peak. I am healthier and happier than I have ever been, because I live my 'life's work.' And I know, for that, I am fortunate. Do I have a house and tons in savings? No. But I live each day in service of helping others and for that, I am living my dream.

However, I struggle with me weight every day. It's not a bunch of weight but the 5 pound gain and loss that annoys 'most' people every so often - stress, break ups, weather. And for this, that's where I make most of my living - with clients that want to 'maintain'.

I live my days eating food that fuels me and occasionally indulge in the 'taste' for 'fun' that makes it ALL worth it.

I am going home to NY where my family abode is filled with devilish temptations that my svelt family never minds. They can live around multiple bags of potato chips and cookies and never bat an eye. They will graze and enjoy. They are balanced.

And yet, when I go home, the person paid money to make others healthy, can actually hear the Lays, Cape Cod and Chips Ahoy screaming at me from the kitchen a flight of stairs away. That voice is processed and loud!

I'm not around it, ever, unless I'm in a store and I walk right by never thinking about it twice.

But now I am here and it's free and abundant and I am in prison.

It's a disorder. I know. I've had it since I was heavy, then thin through Weight Watchers, then anorexic. I thought I made up anorexia when I was young. That's how 'little' I knew about what I was doing.

I thought I was so clever, fooling my body, testing my will and my mother, tossing away school lunches and weighing myself every day at the nurses office instead of hanging out with pals.

I was amazed at what I could do. And really, all for attention. Because, I didn't 'feel' much better. I still felt rotten about myself.

And now, here I am, in my late 30's and really happy with what I've done with my life and body...although I could use that house and I am still in prison.

It's much harder now. I work out all the time, with myself because I love it and with my clients. So, I need food, a lot more of it, to maintain my energy and stay at my peak.

I count every calorie and every indulgence and balance it out with my work outs.

THAT alone might seem extreme but once you do it for a couple of weeks, it becomes a habit that takes as long as it does to do your toenails or chat online.

Knowing what's in your food is important and what fuels you as opposed to fills you is also important. What are your trigger foods that make you reach for the salty or sweet?

I know it all. I know the times of day I emotionally eat and when I reach for the cookie out of stress or solitude. I monitor and adjust. I know it and yet, it still, for lack of a better word, consumes me.

I listen to all of my instincts but still starve and fill myself. No matter what, my body always knows the weight it wants to be And it still knows better than me because it's the weight I'm at my prettiest, healthiest and glowing. I get the most compliments but there's just one thing.

In my mind, that weight is about 3-5 pounds shy of my ideal.

It's the weight that keeps me from fitting into my skinny jeans.

3-5 pounds are a challenge that is absolutely crippling for me to maintain.

And I'm a girl that fasts with the change of seasons. No food, for days. And those skinny jeans fit...for a moment.

And I look great...amazing really...not unlike, um, now...except there's a little piece of cloth hanging in my closet that will tell me otherwise. I'm not fasting and I do not fit.

Fasting, for me, is more for the mind and a cleansing that allows me to turn down and in and adjust to the changes in the outside world.

But, I also lose weight. Not a bunch, just...

3-5 pounds.

I can feel my bones. There's a clip in Portia de Rossi's book about how she would wake up and take her hands along certain parts of her body. If she could feel the bones she knew it would be a good day.

I read that, the first chapter and thought, hmmm, I thought I was the only one who did that.

I know I'm not alone.

I know if I can feel my sacrum and there isn't a cushion of flesh, I am thin, but if there is, I feel bad about myself.

Does anyone notice?

They notice if my attitude is bad, but if I'm carrying a pound extra from the day before, not so much.

I wouldn't mind being a hanger, but if I was less funny and cool, then it's not worth it.

Attitude is more important and effortless if you aren't arrested by the feel of flesh on your backside.

It might not seem like a lot to most people, but when you are at the weight you are supposed to be at, you don't HAVE to count calories, you just have to be careful and maintain.

For me, maintaining is super easy and effortless.

3-5 pounds.

And so, Dear Oprah, I implore you to read closely.

I was out to lunch with one of my most beautiful and healthy yoga teacher friends. She had mentioned that she gained a few pounds while she was on holiday with her husband, that she put on her skinny jeans and couldn't even button them up, not even lying down and holding her breath.

I told her I had the same problem the day before and I hadn't even been on holiday.

I don't indulge in pizza or fast food, not because I'm 'trying to be careful' but because my body just doesn't crave that junk. It craves what it needs and gets me to the weight IT wants.

So, when I thought about her trial and how she said she would just cut back for the next couple of days, I thought about mine...

there is none.

I didn't go away and indulge in foreign foods.

I didn't go on a bender and eat a sleeve of chocolate chip cookies.

I didn't order the large popcorn at the movies.

It's winter. I'm getting older. I use my body a lot and so it is HOLDING it's weight differently to adjust to the time, it's purpose and cold (yes, even in LA!!).

I might not have changed anything in particular, but the jeans I NEVER wear, that sits in the closet, weighing heavy on my brain every day to test me is making me crazy.

They are loose!! Yea, I feel good...for a moment, just one, then I go about my day.

They are tight!!! BOO, I feel horrible, for a full day and I still go about my day and feel good about what I do.

SO, Dear Oprah, I have decided this.

I will not conform any longer to fit -YOU-(jeans, not you, Oprah).

I'm selling you on ebay.

I think all of us women should have our jeans that we feel good in. That fit our body and when we are feeling extra skinny, well so they will hang looser and make us feel even more skinny.

To struggle to conform to fit is just IMPOSSIBLE.

When I teach, I don't conform to any model of any teacher I know. I am myself and bring to the table something altogether unique that people enjoy.

The same goes for my writing and acting.

So, Dear Oprah, why then, would I need so desperately to fit into my size 24 Joe's Jeans.

They don't want me right now.

Some students, they don't need me right now.

The Mentalist and The Office, they bring me in all the time, but right now, I'm not what they want.

I am what I am now and I don't want to wait to be ready for anything else.

I am ready for now and right for later when later is ready for me.

I don't want to put myself in limits. I want to be free, unbuttoned and breathable.

My yoga teacher friend and I teach how important it is to breathe. Yet, we both feel bad about ourselves because we hold our breath to fit.

That's not yoga. That's not life!!

What does that say for what I do?

To me, that means that I doubt what I do and who I am.

I am a fitness professional that charges money to help other people feel good about themselves, be fit and happy. It would be more unprofessional to tell them lies and consistently struggle with the 3 pounds to get me into a pair of jeans for a day then live every day feeling good about whatever I put on my body.

I put on the size up. The not so skinny jeans I should pay more attention to anyway because I'm always in yoga pants. I look great. I look skinny. No one else gives a rats ass and certainly no one can tell the difference between the 3-5 pounds.

A woman today told me tonight that I radiate joy. And I'm heavier than I've been in a long time. Just three pounds.

What do I want to focus on? The joy or the three pounds?

Give me the fuckin' joy...and a fuckin' cookie. You can keep your pounds and your Joe's.

I sold my skinny jeans on ebay and made enough to buy a whole batch of cookies and put some money into my savings for that house. And I feel so much lighter.

Go fuck yourself skinny jeans.

Oprah, I think we should all get rid of our skinny jeans. Make it a movement.

We don't have corsets anymore and should not be bound by our clothing.

Our denim should not designate our happiness.

I can't believe I never did this before. And all on the inspiration from my dear friend.

I really think you should have a show about this and have all your audience members give their skinny jeans away or to a friend.

I don't ever want to think about this again.

I work really hard. Every day. And food is my fuel.

AND, I'm going home to NY, to be with my family, and the devils in the kitchen.

And I want to be with all of it and BE with them and not think about the size of my waist band.

I'm so glad there is nothing left in my closet to make me feel bad, only beautiful things to enhance the beauty that's already within. And that's not ego, that's not skinny. That's joy.

Happy holidays! Now indulge,

Laurie/Lady

Sweata weatha!!!

Wed, 8 Dec 2010 23:12:16 -0500

Dear Oprah,

No, it's not an inside joke, but if you know me, you know I LIVE for Saturday Night Live and the talk show with the two chicks from Brooklyn (Maya and Amy). They tawk about sweata weatha in NY. I love the 'accent' and I love the sketch and them like the sun.

Speaking of love...

You know when you are in it?

For me, I can't remember what it's like, but I have a good feeling I remember.

You see, I've been on the search for the perfect winter sweater.

It's sweata weatha!!!

I'm looking for the one!!

The one that will take me from the yoga studio to the nightlife in yummy sexy cuteness.

It's hard to find, I know, but it's like love...you just know and so, I'll know it when I see it and I have a great idea of the details that make up said perfect sweater.

Just like my search for the perfect man. Ok, I'm not on the search, but I have an idea of who, said man will be. I know he will not be perfect. Like the perfect sweater, it will pill and need special cleaning instructions, so I know it won't be easy.

I can deal with the maintenance and the flaws, but I have an idea of its values that outweigh its maintenance.

The perfect sweater is neutral, a snow white or oatmeal in color. Yummy and oversized but snugging where and when I need it to snug. It will keep me cozy but leave me room to breath.

Actually, that sounds a lot like the perfect man too!

Well, I've been searching for a while now, at least a few seasons. I've bought a few and then regretted it after a day or so, I send it back, return it and forget about it till I'm on the search again.

Hmmm, that too, sounds a lot like my recent experiences with men. hmmm. No refund though. Final sale.... I’m never getting that time OR money back!!

Thank g-d for retail!

I've tried on a lot of em. I really like a few of them. But then.... not so much.

So, I search again.

Then...I'm on a date with one of my best girlfriends.

And I see him. I mean, it.

I remember it like yesterday.

It was just a few days ago.

But really, I'll remember it always, cuz that's how long this sweata's gonna last!

I see it walking out of a store. Hot mama, hot pants, hot boots, hot hair, and HOT sweater!!

Friend and I walk into the store and find the same sweater!

Wow, meant to be.

It's love at first sight, touch, and embrace of wool to skin!

Get a room!!

I did. Clothes were tossed around. I stripped in a passionate fervor that would rival any movie love scene. Buttons popping, breath quickening and it's ON! It's hot. I mean, I'm hot.

It's a freekin' sweater, so, I'm hot.

And I look great. Cute, sexy, sweet and WARM. Yum.

It's also a fortune.

I put my clothes back on and I'm flushed. Hair strewn, breathless.

Friend and I walk around the mall some more and she's talking but I can't hear a word she says. I'm in love.

She looks at me and says, you have your credit card with you right?

I nod.

She says, it's worth going into debt. You'll have it forever.

I tell her, if I don't buy it with you, I'll never have the memory and I want the memory.

We go back to the store, pop music, smell of pine in the air. It’s Christmas and I put the dang sweater on the card.

If I wear it every day for half a year, it will be a dollar a day.

I tell the woman it's a gift and to wrap it up.

She puts it into the prettiest box and ties it up with the most beautiful ribbon.

I take that box home.

I take him home, honey.

I look at it. I light some candles. Run a bath, pour a glass of wine. Sounds romantic, huh.

I take out the Glamour Magazine…where I will be published in 2011. I savor every moment with myself and pamper myself…

I sleep in that sweater.

I wear this sweater every day and people turn their heads and stop me on the street.

You look younger!

You look happier!

I'm in love!

I look goooooooood!

I regret most things I buy. I have a guilt complex.

I don't regret this. Not one bit. Not one moment. Not one bill. It’s like a mini vacay. And I haven’t had a vacay in.L&++P{QLHWO*&)#*)*?

Love goes beyond all money if you love something.

When you know, you know.

I love this sweater. I love it in good times and in bad. Till death do us part. I work hard for the money and I don’t use rationalization to justify things. I do when I feel deep down to my bones. I have to. I’ve lost everything so I know what it feels like to be homeless and live out of my car, to rely on meals from expense accounts of employers and even though it’s been a long time since those days, I still revert to that place of scarcity and understand abundance surrounds you when you give. I give all the time, from my work to my time.

I’m so fortunate to have the support I need to make my dreams come true and I get scared when I want something material, so I tend NOT to buy anything. But sometimes, it’s ok to buy for yourself. That gift of goodness can turn into giving back goodness tenfold, even if it is material.

When you know, you know.

And so, I'll take this tip from myself.

Come from a place of abundance and you will be abundant. Come from a place of scarcity and you will be scarce.

I’m not saying one should go into debt…that was a joke in the moment. I have sincere issues about buying things for myself. But, this sweater taught me a good lesson. Being with my dear friend helped too. It made a memory out of buying something good for myself, and created a whole evening of self-love that I wouldn’t have received from anyone else but me…and certainly not any trial man.

When you love something and want it, it’s ok to get it. It doesn’t have to require a lot of effort. And in my case, I had credit to use, not a lot, but enough to make me feel happy and not suffocated.

And, if I go on the search for the perfect man.... it’ll be the same thing. No regrets, happy, but not suffocated, effort and effortless.

Paying the bill,

Lady

Phases...

Sat, 9 Oct 2010 23:10:33 -0400

Dear Oprah,

You still haven't come to my class. Aren't you in Santa Barbara now? In your big house with your fabulous dogs? I'm just a hop, skip, jump and 60 miles from you now. WAAAY closer than Chicago.

But alas, I still wait for you.

I am patient.

However, I'm phasing out this blog for 'yoga' and keeping it as my place to vent personally.

Of course, yoga is my life, personally and professionally so it will cross over. But the lessons from my classes will now be on my new blog, www.LadyYoga.org.

As I turn more and more into a superhero...in my head at least, with the mission to make yoga and fitness accessible to all beings everywhere regardless of physical, emotional and schedule limitations, I'm faced with my own kryptonite and I need a place for Laurie to get out what she needs here.

Like how I use myself in the third person?...so - my alter ego can soar in teaching on my other blog.

But here, I need to let go of the other side.

It's interesting, the last couple of weeks have been really trying for me.

From serious family issues to tremendous abundance and support for what I do to the decadent introduction of 'a life', friends and maybe even a boy, I am forced to decide and balance.

Can one, have it all?

I think so. I think, if one is living passionately, one CAN have it all.

I often think about how many hours I 'work' and think, this is crazy. I put in 12-18 hour days every day and that doesn't always include driving time.

I have over three thousand friends on facebook, am around people all day and come home alone to my ritual of watching stand up comedy on netflix and laughing till I fall asleep.

Ok, I really like that ritual. Like alot. But I'm alone.

But who isn't, really.

I am making good money and am finding the pendulum swing from scarcity just several months ago to abundance now.

I like being a witness to that. I like to see that even if things fall off and I find myself feeling scared for money or survival, scared for my health and sanity, in pain physically and emotionally, that, by living my truth, the 'universe' if you will, comes out with jazz hands and musical crescendo to support what I am doing.

I will not be lost for long.

Fear, a normal human emotion, comes out and says, HOARD!!

You had everything...did you know?

You have nothing...now you know.

You have everything again...do you know? Do you really want this lesson again?

In rebuilding, you say yes to everything because you are afraid it will all disappear again.

Our lessons repeat themselves till they are learned and then it's on to the next lesson.

I'm here now, back in black and have to learn that if I conserve my energy, time and money, if I end up at a loss down the line, the universe will guest star again, enter stage right in my life with boa, glitter, streamers, big musical number with full orchestra and chorus line, provide and exit stage left. Tears will be daubed and I will be better again.

Intermission.

I won't bore you with my 'losses' over the last three years. You will have to read the archived blogs for that. But its been rough.

I've been fueled by the energy of survival for long enough.

I'm doing what I'm meant to be doing and taking what the universe is providing.

And doing it with a smile...and jazz hands...and a few wimpers to my mom.

We had a recent trial in our family that brought us close together again in support and I realized how blessed I am. We don't know what other people's trials are. Sometimes, we need to be a witness to others trials to know how much strength we have to support one another and put our own lives in perspective.

I thank my extended family, tears and laughter and fear aside to realize that at the end of the day, the most important thing we as people have is our relationships. I love my family like air that I breathe and water that I drink. And yet, I am so far from them.

When word spread of the recent trial in our family, I immediately abandoned 'my' issues and started arranging a flight home to help.

It didn't come to that, but it helped me realize that again, at the end of the day, the rest of the bs in life means nothing if family, friends or loved ones are in need.

It made me look at my life and told me, get a freekin' handle on your s-it.

Seriously. Stop stressing about this and that and do what you feel most passionately about, pain and suffering aside...and you will be rewarded.

Do what you are here to do and put all of the rest of the stuff in a bag and throw it out in the dumpster.

And then there are the girlfriends that I need so desperately to laugh with and keep canceling plans with because my clients and bank accounts come first. I wake up earlier because a client has a doctors appointment. I cancel my doctor's appointment because a client has carpool that day and forgot. I cancel a date because I get an audition for one line in a show that's supposed to get canceled next week and spend hours preparing to be treated like crap.

I still want all of my dreams and I will keep showing up and waking up to every single dream I have.

But, I want a life to and I will be hard pressed not to fight for that as much as I fight to bring yoga and fitness to others. I need it too and if I don't get it for myself, what will I have left for others.

If I don't start now, I will end up empty.

I thank my ex for that. If that didn't end, I would never realize how important it is to BE with someone who you mutually respect.

I'm lucky that my inspiration for life has not run dry.

I thank my dad for that.

His dimmed light made me more fired up to burn towards every goal and dream I refuse to give up on...even since I was a little girl being carried in his arms up to bed at night at five years old.

I love that man like chocolate and he was a fighter at heart.

I thank 'that family' for that.

If I didn't work so passionately for years with such a high profile family that I loved, trained, breathed with, stretched with, grew with and cared for only to be 'let go' like a temporary receptionist, I would never have learned how to let go and not take things personally because of their issues.

I thank my mom for that and another one of my clients...for talking me off the ledge of self doubt to realize that people have issues that, no matter how much you love them, they need to work through on their own, even if they love you back.

My mother continues to blaze forward and inspire me like no other. She's my white Oprah and if it wasn't for her, I would be asleep in my bed right now. Ok, she is the one telling me to go to sleep, but her belief in everything I'm doing, keeps me up at night inspired, creative and fueled.

My client, whom I have trained and taught yoga to since I started on my journey here in LA, has been MY greatest teacher. Her husband told me today as I taught them a 21st year anniversary together, that I have made her a better person and I though to myself, I wonder if she knows how much of a better person I am from HER lessons.

And my cousin, Sue. She is one of the reasons I am where I am today.

When I was a fat little kid, I always looked to her talent and drive and inspiration and humor. She drove me towards art, towards creativity, towards laughter, towards CHANGE and DIFFERENCE and standing out and being bold and taking chances and being myself.

And Lady Yoga. She came from nothing. She came from a place where the well had run dry for Laurie, moi. I had nothing left to give and had to turn to something. Lady Yoga came from that dark, sad place inside that told me, even with nothing to show, I have everything inside to give and no one can take that away. We are all superheroes and sometimes we need everything taken away from us to see that. We need pain, darkness, sadness and solitude to see, we have everything inside.

If it wasn't for Lady, Sue, Mom, Dad, the ex, I wouldn't be a comic book superhero. I hope you know that.

And if it wasn't for him, that dark knight. That guy who came out of no where. My friend, my confident, the guy who says I inspire him, that I wouldn't be writing this now, fighting for the release in my life, the ability to allow my light to dim a little into relaxation and enjoyment, telling me that I need to turn it down some so I can turn it up more later.

Thank you.

For all of those people that I love and that continue to love me in dark and light, thank you. Thank you for being there for ME so that I can be here for you and pass it on.

I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. I hope I can do the same for you.

So be, in all of your phases, pain, triumphs and failures. Please continue to be a source so we can be that light and spread it around.

And Oprah, come to my damn class already.

Yours,

Laurie Searle and ladyyoga.org

Here's how I date...

Sat, 18 Sep 2010 14:09:42 -0400

Dear Oprah,

Here is how the day in the life of Laurie is when I have a date.

Day of, wake up at 6AM to start my day. I do this everyday. With all the time in the world before my first client, I am still struggling with 15 bags and shoes and trash to take out before I'm out the door with the fear of being late. I drive 1000 miles against traffic to come into people's homes with the mission to bring them yoga and peace. I hope I do that. God knows I could use someone coming to my door with a little o' that.

I rush home in school traffic or any time of day traffic and basically swim across the 405 through Wilshire to get home MAYBE in time to run and errand, take a class or go for a run. If I'm lucky, I will be able to return a phone call or email and catch up on MY life personally and professionally - ya know the kind that doesn't make money right now, but will, you just wait. Maybe I can go to the bathroom or check my teeth. Great, breakfast has apparently held it's own within my central incisors till mid afternoon. No time to fret.

My date is most probably at 8 and I will most probably be running late but not nearly as much as my date but I will be rushing. I will drop my stuff on my pristine floor. The organized sanctuary I once lived in will become the girlie haven of hell in preparation to prepare myself to be myself with someone else, which is quite often peppered with a pomp and circumstance rivaling a holiday dinner with the extended family, internally and externally...exhausted.

So, I dump everything on the floor in hopes I will be able to scavenger what I need for a clutch or small bag for my date. Most of my days include a carry-on sized bag for a flight or a canvas bag one would shop Ikea with - fitting all of the things one would need to get by in a day if, per chance, a nuclear bomb would blow up on 2nd street and I would not be able to return for days on end. I have a change of clothes, food, chargers for phones and bluetoothes, notebooks, pens and zip drives, cards and flyers and email lists, identification, floss (which I clearly do not use) and kleenex and yes, I have a lint roller, scissors and a tide to go...and deoderant. But never what I need.

God love me, hate me and pity me at the same time.

It is impossible to find the few small things I will need if I have to escape the wrath of an impossible date that requiring me to scale a wall to get out of. I am not Paris Hilton. Do I need electrical tape? Will the jaws of life fit into my clutch? Will the mace go off in my purse? No, lip gloss, business cards, some cash and ID to identify my body when maimed. That is all that is required.

At 7:45, I have half an eye done and one sock as I field phone calls and approach a deadline for the magazine. I have to sign off on one, two projects for which I am not getting paid for but love dearly because they help the common good and I can not catch a breath. I am still sweating from the one hour class I squeezed in at the studio and did not have time to wash my hair so I dry shampooed it. Yes, Pssssst is a god-send and still here in the 2000's from the 1970s. My mom used it and I use it. God bless the Ozone sucker. It has saved me...tonight.

I have pants on and a bra and it's 8. Nothing fits, ever. I'm late but so is my date. I feel the pressure and fun seems like two glasses of Chardonnay away and I can't afford the calories this week.

Maybe he got into an accident. That would be bad, but I also have a new People Magazine I'd love to read.

I paste the other eye on and review...I was born and raised in NY. You can take the girl out of NY but you can't take the NY out of the girl. Just so you know...I walk very fast, especially when it's cold and it's like 20 below in LA, which means its about 55 degrees.

I watch stand up comedy before I go to bed. If I die before I wake, I pray the Lord, I pissed my pants in laughter.

I have an excessive amount of lip gloss and perfumed oils.

I'm a Virgo and nothing like a Virgo. I'm a horrible planner but I organize everything from my closet to my pantry to the calories I consume. And I still can't find my keys. Oh, they're in my hand.

I love cotton, scarves and layering. I love shawl neck collars and ruffles.

I work everyday and love my work.

I'm boring, but really exciting to me.

I love hip hop music and euro club music as well as kirtan and smooth jazz.

I sing very loudly to broadway showtunes especially in the drive through car wash. I find my greatest peace in the dark and the clean soapy swoosh of water that drowns out the notes I can't reach and I am in bliss.

I spray my hair with more non yogi, Ozone trippin' spray as I uncork a bottle of white with my feet and left hand. Mama needs her wine. I'm starting to sound like my mama. And, I laugh.

Help a sister out, I scream, which is my mantra, that I speak out loud to myself often when I am in a rush and running around my cage, I mean apartment, trying to get somewhere fast.

Banana doesn't peel, help a sister out!

Sweater falls off hanger, help a sister out!

Cap falls off toothpaste and tube falls in sink amidst dirty spittle...help a sister out!!

Bracelet does not, necklace does not, dress does not clasp with one hand!!!

Help a sister out!!!

I put the foundation on. Yes, I put it on after my eyes. Why? Because I forgot. Not because it's my thing.

Powder after blush. What's my problem?

My problem? I'm not used to wearing makeup, damn it.

Phone rings, help a sister out!!!

I'm here! It's a text. Can I chain smoke my toothbrush in time?

I'm 36. Yes, 36. Did I stutter? I act and look like I'm 26 with the inner stability of a 44 year old with a family and house in the flats of Beverly Hills. Try to wrap your mind around that one.

I can't pay my rent or health insurance but I can find and pay for that darling cardigan. I'll wear it forever and insurance and rent only lasts a month. I'm a girlie girl but piss and get ready faster than a guy.

I am still trying to pretty myself up for someone, look in the mirror and think, I look like shit. Then allay my fears and think, no, you just look your age and promptly LOL. At least I make myself laugh. If I die before I wake.

My date is someone who is fine, I'm sure, but ya know what, I'm still squeezing time in for myself.

Who is kidding who?

I wanna date, but I don't have time to date for crying out loud. Give me my f-ing blog, a salad, maybe a cookie and/or a glass of wine and my netflix and I'm good.

I'm starting to mix my stories up, the same one's I've said over and over before but they are getting boring to me so I glamorize them more for dramas sake and I'm still yawning inside.

This is too much work and I'm exhausted already and barely want to hear myself let alone you.

What did you say? You don't talk to your mom and dad? I'm really close with my family. Love them like breath, water and chocolate. You have a dog. How cute. Where's the check?

Here's the deal. I don't want to date. I want...him.

Him is going to be the guy when all this hullaballo won't matter. Him will be where time seems seamless and it will be effortless to get together and prepare. Him will be HIM not yawning across the table from me when I've been stiffling yawns all night not to offend. Not because he's boring, but because I'm god awful tired. I don't have a day off and I'm actually ok with it. I will not be tired with him. Him will ignite sleeplessness. Him will be fit in and fine.

Him, I will wait for. Him, will WANT to ask me out and make time regardless and time will make itself apparent for both of us, tired or not, because we will be...him and her. That's how HIM and HER work. It just is. I've had it before and I will have it again. Him will find the time and so will I. Him will ask me why I wear the obvious ragged bracelet on my left wrist. Him. Him.

So, to him, I wait, but not longingly so. I have plenty of time for ME before him. But if HIM shows up, I'll be already ready and waiting, with my place and person clean and calm and hair washed with soap and water and none of this other bull-shit or obligation or weirdness. It's just NEVER weird with him and her. It never is, when it's right. So, there you go. It just happens. And it's hard. In this day and age, it just is. And the older we get, the more set in our ways and the more baggage. I only have a carry-on and a bunch of funny stories and dry shampoo. But I have a great instinct to wait for Him and not the him until then. I just don't have time for it. And neither do you.

So there. Thank you for dinner. I like you. But you are not him. And I don't want to pretend you are and you sure don't so we're done.

1AM, go to bed. 6AM, starts all over again. Every day. Tired, lost, found and always...

Yours,

Laurie

9/11...hmmmmmmmmmm

Fri, 10 Sep 2010 06:09:48 -0400

Dear Oprah,

Congrats on entering your last season. I wish I could watch it but I'm sans TV since my recent break up with, um, very many material things in this still 'tough' economy.

But right now, I miss my dad.

My Mom and sis are off to the Toronto Film festival.

They go every year. Every year I have a memory of them going. Sometimes I am with them. Sometimes I am living in NY, sometimes I am living in LA, sometimes I am going off to work on a perfectly beautiful day in midtown and am then terrorized by planes flying into the twin towers and I remember it all like yesterday.

I remember it all and how it was so very sad and scary.

I knew then it would be very important. I knew it would change my life, everyone's life.

I knew that all that happened was so very, very...pertinent.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry that it made me selfish and look at my life in the wake of lives lost to realize that the life I was living needed to change.

If it didn't happen, I would NEVER be a teacher. I would never be teaching yoga or fitness training or writing a comic. I would NEVER be doing the things I was meant to be doing if people didn't lose their lives. I would have NEVER found my truth if their wasn't so much uncertainty in the fact that all of our lives could be taken so fast.

The temp job that I was placed in just one week prior had two locations, one was in the twin towers, one was in midtown. I was placed in midtown.

I was lucky.

And now, 9 years later, I just think of how lucky I am to continue to live my passion even though the last two years provided more loss for me than gain. More loss for me than 9/11.

And right now, I am grateful.

But, I remember, this time of year, when my mom and sister go away. And I am here and I miss my dad.

When I miss my dad, I listen to Pink Floyd, Paul Simon and Joan Baez. I think, listen, pick at my cuticles (a nervous habit I got from him) and I look to my left.

I remember him in the drivers seat, barely harmonizing, but doing his best.

I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

I sing along while he looks ahead at the traffic and I feel love.

How I wish you were here. We're just two lost souls swimmin' in a fish bowl, year after year. Running over the same old ground. What have we found. The same old fears. Wish you were here.

My dad...is my muse. He's with me every moment of the day. And he's been gone over a year. 9/11 happened almost a decade ago. I didn't lose anyone there. I was there and I felt the terror close to home, but I will never know THAT loss.

Loss is loss though and in loss we can remember and gain. When the bulb of life goes off in one we love, it infuses us with more light to live our life more fully. I know this. I feel this. I don't know what 9/11 was like outside of the island of Manhattan, but in the island of my life, I understand the fear and terror of loss. Not the same, I know, but the same. No one likes to lose the one they love.

But in love and loss there is so much perspective, so much gain for all of us that have the opportunity to live. And maybe we can look at our lives and where we are at, right now and see where we can modify, change or accept where we are in gratitude that we have that ability to be whatever we'd like in life. We have life and we have choice.

In tragedy, I found my absolute truth and passion. In loss, I was infused with more spirit and fervor to achieve what I wanted and then some.

I have aspirations and I want more, but right now, I love my life and all that comes with it, trials, wins and obstacles.

In gratitude,

Lady