dicea's Open Salon Blog

Welcome To The Family

Wed, 13 Oct 2010 21:10:43 -0400

A couple of things I notice recently in the news: When a white girl goes missing, it's news. When a white boy kills himself it's news. When a queer kid who can afford to go to a prom is told that he or she can't go (with partner/ in a dress/ in a tux) it's news. When a celebrity holds a concert/rally to support or fight some act of legislation it's news. When a new support organization opens up to do good it's news for a little while. When a highly visible thing happens or breaks it's news.

News is great. News brings up ideas and happenings to a wide range of people. News can be informative and moving. News can promote worthy causes and warn about real dangers.

News is also ephemeral. What is hot right now will be cold tomorrow and something new will be hot and exciting.

Many of the things the news covers are not at all ephemeral. They are ongoing situations and need ongoing support or resistance.

Social phenomena follow the news trend and it's easy to observe how a tragedy or victory is followed by visual symbols and themes in contemporary entertainment media. Savvy marketers follow these trends and make money selling us items that let us express our support for our troops, our support for breast cancer awareness, our anger at those who disagree with our values, our hope for an end to conflict and stress.

There is a gap between what we can do to represent our emotional support for an idea or a cause and what actual work we do to support that idea or cause. There is a big difference between the spouse who says, "Yes, I support the idea of you going back to school, go for it." and the spouse who says, "Yes, I support you going back to school, let's see how we can revise our budget and plan to make this happen."

Consider this: if I put on a visual symbol of every cause or idea that I support I would be so burdened down by the symbols that I would have no energy to move and do actual work for the causes.

Rather than spending today looking or shopping for purple clothing to wear on October 20th to memorialize the suicide deaths of seven white males, I spent some time researching support organizations for queer youth. Those young men had families and friends who are now mourning them and who don't need any more drama heaped on their lives. Their families and friends don't need us punishing them for 'not doing enough' or 'not caring enough' or 'not being there'. They are being very badly hurt right now and we must only offer them our love and acceptance.

Below you will find a list of URLs for organizations dedicated to supporting and educating queer youth and those around them. Pick one or two to look at and consider the whole list. I put this list together in under an hour using only three different search terms. It's not hard to find. It's not hard to find support for Muslim Queer Youth, or Texan Queer Youth, or Queer Youth of Color, or Deaf Queer Youth. There are many support and education groups out there. There are advocacy groups and social service groups. There are hotlines and scholarships.

If you're outraged about what you hear in the news recently know this: These seven boys are only a single grain of sand on the beach of dead queer youths. They are a drop in the bucket. You'll never hear about the poor queers. You'll never hear about the Black and Latino queers. You'll never hear about the Asian queers. You won't find a single support group or organization for queer Native Americans.

I'm not going to suggest for a second that you should discount the experience of these seven young men because of this, but do please recognize that this moment of news represents the very tip of a very very big, very very tough iceberg. You cry when you see seven dead kids and get ready to cry a lot more. There are a lot of dead kids. Suicide and murder and bullying and hazing and bashing kill. What I am going to suggest is this:

Go check out a few of these URLs. If you see an organization there that you feel you can support in good conscience with money, passing on the word, or even just writing up a blog entry about the organization, please do so. Secondly, I'd like you, from this day forward, no matter what anyone ever says to you, to consider yourself queer.

Whoever you are there is something completely unique and different about you. Maybe people have mocked you about it, or you've feared people mocking you or leaving you because of this difference. Maybe you worry that your best friends would abandon you if they only knew the dark shameful secret you hide inside. If you feel this way or ever have felt this way in the past, there is no difference between you and the social minorities in our world. You are queer.

Don't think about it as standing up for those poor kids or reaching out to gays or others, think about it as standing up for one of your own. From this moment on they're all your brothers and sisters and there is no excuse for you letting them down. And when you need or want acceptance or support, look to your brothers and sisters and you just might find what you really need.

Welcome to the family.

http://www.bonusround.com/gayyouth/
http://www.lambda.org/youth.htm
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/
http://www.aliforneycenter.org/
http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/pwh/index-am.html
http://www.amplifyyourvoice.org/youthresource
http://www.scarleteen.com/
http://www.oasisjournals.com/
http://community.pflag.org/Page.aspx?pid=194&srcid=-2
http://www.lamberthouse.org/
http://www.rainbowyouth.org.nz/
http://www.bgiok.org.uk/index.html
http://queermuslimrevolution.blogspot.com/
http://www.alsoyouth.org/
http://www.deafqueer.org/411/index.html
http://www.soytoronto.org/
http://www.smyal.org/
http://www.queerattitude.com/
http://www.fiercenyc.org/
http://lyric.org/home.html
http://www.queertheory.com/cultures/ethnics/queer_native_americans.htm
http://www.gayyouthrochestermn.org/
http://www.pflagphoenix.org/education/youth_stats.html
http://outrightvt.org/wordpress/
http://www.healthiersf.org/lgbtq/
http://www.nmha.org/go/information/get-info/children-s-mental-health/bullying-and-gay-youth
http://www.jqyouth.org/
http://www.youth-guard.org/
http://etd.ohiolink.edu/send-pdf.cgi/Soder%20Jeff%20R.pdf?osu1259598794

An Evening With The Perfect Pickle

Sun, 10 Jan 2010 19:01:58 -0500

Yesterday two friends whisked us away from our rather plain and dull plans to a lovely English Pub and then a nifty fusion kinda tapas joint where we indulged in food and conversation and company. It was a very lovely time and I don't think I've eaten that much food in a single sitting since I was in Basic Training.

http://www.tapas177.com/

I started with the house salad because I like salad. It was lovely. The bread basket that came out with it held lovely dense white bread with flecks of herbs and a dish of oil and balsamic vinegar. The tang and sour of the vinegar on the bread and the fresh greens was a perfect balm after the agony and drooling of having to choose from the menu.

I do not see the entree that I had on the online menu, but it was seared salmon served on a bed of risotto (which had been tickled perfectly with white pepper)dressed in a cranberry orange chutney kind of thing with dried and blanched cranberries, and surrounded by a ring of lightly sauted baby spinach.

The company at the table was such that bits and tastes of every dish were passed around and shared and discussed generously and joyfully.

Dessert was delightful. I managed to snag a forkfull of Katie's slice of the uber super bombastic chocolate cake and then focused on my amaretto creme brule which maximized the best part of a cb while minimizing the lamer bits. That is, it was a half inch thick and six iches in diameter.

I suspect that the Germans have a word for heart and mind sickness caused by having the senses overwhelmed by beauty. It would be nice to have an experience like this every other year or so, but it would be vital that one not know that it was about to happen.

Moments of great beauty and sensory delight cannot be scheduled, although the opportunities for them to happen often must be scheduled. It is of vital importance that we allow and arrange for the possibility of beauty while reserving the expectation. When someone asks you, "Do you want to try something new?" clear your heart and your mind and say "Yes." without reservation.

It may be awful, but even so it may be beautiful.

It may be wonderful, but even so it may be kinda lame.

It may be nothing special, and yet comforting and lovely.

Your attitude makes the difference.

I may never head back to that place, even if I manage to save up the money I would need to intentionally go back there. I just hope that I can hang on to the memory of that beauty and that joy and that openness to experience that was the perfect pickle for every dish I tasted that evening.

Today I woke and wandered around, trying to take care of The Boogie while feeling like poo myself. I took a five hour nap and am considering another nap after I check in on TB again. Perhaps my senses just need a little coddling, as they would after a particularly fun melee or dance party. Vitaman E oil and a hot bath with lots of salts, lots of water, and lots of stretching and being patient with myself.

It is an amazing thing to be a living, tasting, touching, sensing being.

Say, "Yes."

You are made of star stuff.

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 20:10:52 -0400

If you decided to ask me who my favorite evangelist is, I would have an answer for you.

I do not know why you would ask me such a question.

Perhaps we might be stuck in an elevator somewhere, or waiting for a train, and you're just trying to make conversation. Maybe you've been studying religion or you just saw a documentary on Jack Lalanne. I do not know why you ask the strange questions that you do, but I always listen to them and think about them. I really do try to give you the most true answer that I can articulate.

I hope that this is good enough.

My answer starts out with a bit of a stutter. My first favorite evangelist isn't really a person the way you and I are. It takes the voice of one man and the hands and skill of others and the ideas of yet another to make Yoda exist. But his message to me always boiled down to this: "Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter." Which always seemed to mean, "There is so much more to everything than what we can perceive." and this has set me a viewpoint on the world that has offered me great beauty and wonder.

But there is a person who is something like Yoda (even if his voice sounds more Jim Henson than Frank Oz) who influenced my life and my understanding of the world around me. Carl Sagan made a great effort to make the wonders of the universe accessible to as many people as possible. Watching his shows, one gets a sense that the man is just about to scream like a little girl and dance around the room because he's just so darn excited about all of the great wonders that are out there.

He is so invested and interested in his beloved science that it becomes almost impossible not to invest something while watching him. It becomes almost impossible not to take something away from those lectures and demonstrations. It becomes almost unthinkable to consider oneself apart from the wonders of the universe.

A man named John Boswell started The Symphony of Science http://www.symphonyofscience.com/ to blend the wonder and joy of science that we see in Carl Sagan and several of his companions with music. The result is enough to make me feel how Dr. Ellie Arroway must have felt when she said, "They should have sent a poet."

Consider this, please, and take a moment to let your inner luminous being dance in the light of the possible.

Dance, star stuff.

Surprises are bad.

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 15:10:27 -0400

I'm going to tell you one thing. If you don't listen to anything else I ever say, just remember this one thing and do try to implement it.

Surprises are bad.

Surprises are those things that force others to react to a situation with minimal preparation. Surprises that are meant to take place in front of a crowd of people are even more dangerous.
Proposing marriage in front of a crowd, presenting an elaborate or expensive gift to show off to others, setting up someone for a surprise party by helping them think that they've actually been forgotten are all examples of surprises that are selfish surprises.

I suspect that there are good surprises too, but to me those would be like telling your sweetie that you've got the funds and the information to plan a cruise for six months from now and then settling down to play the trip together. A good surprise would be telling your friend that you are going out to a new diner before you leave the house.

A good surprise takes into account the comfort and wellness of others. If you show up on my doorstep with a brand new dishwasher and the six man crew to demo my kitchen and rebuild the sink and counters around that dishwasher, I'm going to wish I was dead. I will not be happy, I will cry. Because there is no way in this world that I would feel okay letting a stranger demo my cabinets before I had a chance to scrub them underside and back with bleach.

If you really want to treat someone to good news or a gift or a celebration talk with the people who are closest to that person and get their feedback on the matter. If part of your surprise takes place during a party or event that someone else is running, check in with the host to make sure that you're not making any more work for that person. If your plan could add work or take away fun or comfort for anyone else, work out a different plan.

We used to have "surprise inspections" when I was in the service. How these would happen is like this: The Battalion Commander would put the inspections in his schedule. His assistant would let the Company Commander's assistant know when they would be by. The Company Commander's assistant would let the Platoon Sergeants know and the Sergeants would whisper into our ears. End result, everyone looks good, everyone is happy, healthy communication has made for a win win situation with lots of good esprit de corps and all positive things are reinforced.

Please consider this alternative style of surprise for all of your witty social needs. Try seeing it as less of a chance to "get" someone and more of a chance to let someone else shine.

The public humiliation you avoid may just be your own.

Sometimes music just happens

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 21:10:16 -0400

Life has been pretty real for a while and I'm still dealing with having too many thoughts and not enough words.

Today while chopping up an onion for dinner I had a bit of inspiration and started singing a little song. I sang the chorus over and over to remember it and worked on the lyrics as I did. Eventually an idea came to the front for a topic for the song. Once the veggies were all sauteing nicely I came into my office to type the whole thing up. While I have a specific original tune in mind for it, you can probably sing it to any good traditional mountain folk like tune.

Chorus:
come, falling tears, bathe us in our sorrow,
come, falling tears, join us in our pain,
if the passing years don't bring relief from mourning,
come, falling tears, and wash away our shame.

The little boys will run and chase about the kitchen,
joy and noise a cover to their petty crime.
Caught with one filthy hand inside the cookie jar they
wail and whine and struggle when they're forced to serve their time

Chorus

First to peel potatoes, then to scrape the carrots
then wash the dishes, mind you scrub those pans.
Finally the onions are waiting for your chopping
behold the sorry fate of the devil's lazy hands.

Chorus

Oh to hear the wailing of the penitent sinner,
Oh to see the tears on the cheeks so young and pure.
It's the blessing of the onion to let us cry in open,
honest in emotion, dignity secure.

Chorus x2