Dr. Ruth Marcus's Open Salon Blog

Clear a Path, Remove the Clutter

Mon, 31 May 2010 19:05:59 -0400

It’s spring. Time to lighten up and let go. Time to clear a path and remove the clutter. Get rid of the crapola.

For those with impeccable drawers, closets, garages and storage units, you get a gold star. Your clutter is “organized.” Or at least, not half as bad as your neighbors, right?

Discussing stuff -- the stuff that ends up stacked up or stuffed away out of sight -- makes most of us feel uneasy.

You may hear reasonably intelligent adults attempt to laugh it off, saying, “You think you’ve got it bad? I can barely get into my garage, the path is so narrow.”

Someone responds, “You haven’t seen anything. My barn is stacked up twenty feet high, plus we just rented a storage unit.” And it’s all true.

You stack it up or stash it away -- the fancy platter, the duck-hunting vest, and your mother’s lace doilies – all packed away for the day you intend to use it. The day never comes.

Most of us have a stash and a bit of clutter somewhere. I confess to a cluttered desk. I justify it as part of my creative process. Chaos is the precursor of creation, yes? This column wouldn’t exist if it weren’t for my cluttered desk.

Stacks steadily grow taller until they block my garden view -- that’s when the reference books, borrowed books and books that I love like good friends are cleared off. Then the same process begins all over again.

It’s easy to convert your dining room tables and kitchen counters into drop-offs for those bills, coupons, magazines, junk mail, unfolded laundry and fat-squares of quilting fabric. Who mourns the table’s original function – a place to sit with family and friends and enjoy a meal?

Where does all the stuff come from? The U.S. Mail delivers lots, but some still seek it out, scanning Thursday night’s paper, planning your garage sale route for Friday morning.

You’re the bartering aficionados ready to pounce on possessions that can be bought for pennies. Arms and baskets full, you bring it home, stack it up and rarely consider what convinced you to buy the stuff.

And the secondhand, consignment store junkies? You know who you are. You peruse the shops seeking a bargain. So what if you already have three cast iron frying pans? This one is a far better deal.

Trinkets, antiques, art supplies, building scraps – I’ll use it. I’ll build something. I’ll sell it for a huge profit. I know there is something I can do with this stuff. It’s too good to throw away. Countless excuses justify the continued hunt.

From garage sales and secondhand stores, to the Cultural Clutter Collecting Churches like eBay, home shopping networks, and outlet malls, we play let’s-make-a-deal 24/7. There’s no end in sight, even when the cupboards are stuffed to the max.

Those yogurt containers, rubber bands and cardboard boxes mysteriously piled up? Good grief! Get rid of them.

Technology encourages the high-tech pack rats -- those sniffing out goodies online -- music, television programs, movies and comic books.

You collect gigabytes of data, downloading e-books, e-pamphlets and e-magazines. All that digital data gets stashed on CDs, DVDs, MP3s, iPods – you name it. And the piles get deeper.

If my words have weighted you down, I hope you are inspired to clear a path in your life. One drawer at a time. One closet. Make three piles: Keep, Toss or Donate -- expedite the process. Then gradually work your way to the garage.

If you need help, invite a few friends. And, if it’s already beyond your ability to cope, phone a professional organizer, start your own support group, take a class on how to organize your life, or visit a therapist. Last resort? Rent a dumpster and fill it up. Or, move.

May your path be cleared and your clutter be gone.

Oh yes, remember to clean the windows so you can see your way to the garden. Enjoy this beautiful spring.

Shall We Dance?

Fri, 12 Feb 2010 23:02:42 -0500

If you’re thinking tango, west coast swing, or the Cajun two-step, get up and dance.

Maybe you’re the belly dancing, line dancing, clogging or ballet type? Go for it! Dance your way through life.

Swaying hips, wiggling bellies, and fingers snapping -- dancing marries movement to music, entrancing people from Brazilian rainforests to the Kalahari Desert.

People have always danced. We dance to honor the myths of gods and goddesses, lavishing ourselves with costumes or transforming ourselves with masks. We dance to change our moods, to invoke the sacred, to experience ourselves in the magical mixture of movement and release. We learn to tell stories with our bodies, without language.

Whatever the beat, we are inclined to move our feet. And if we are hindered by self-consciousness, often a finger tapping or bouncing knee reveals that deep within we are all dancers at heart.

What would it mean to dance your way through life?

Begin with these familiar lyrics: “Put your whole self in, put your whole self out, put your whole self in and shake yourself about. Do the Hokey Pokey, and turn yourself around. That’s what it’s all about.”

I can’t think of a more simple philosophy for living life. The Hokey Pokey is a circle dance – no need for a partner, no worries about stepping on anyone’s toes. No one is a wallflower, and even those with two left feet can do the Hokey Pokey. Everyone can put their whole self in.

When you’re putting your whole self into the dance of life, it means living your life whole-heartedly. Do you give it all you’ve got or hold something back, “just in case?” Or, does fear hold you back -- fear of rejection? Or failure? Or criticism?

When you put your whole self in, you are willing to risk failure. You’re strong enough to risk looking like a fool, brave enough to risk making a mistake. On the other hand, putting your whole self in means taking the risk of being exceedingly happy, radiating joy, and living life to your fullest.

Learning a new dance is the same as learning anything new. You need to develop patience. You need to practice. You need to put your whole self in. The Hokey Pokey says that you also need to put your whole self out. Just as you learn to take steps forward, you also need to appreciate the value of stepping back and retreating a bit.

That might include slowing down, letting things be, not pushing to have everything your way. It might include stepping aside and letting someone else lead.

To me, putting your whole self out includes being willing to accept the ebb and flow of all things. Life has its ups and downs. The ins and outs are a part of accepting what is, when it is, rather than resisting.

The Hokey Pokey encourages a willingness to shake yourself about and turn yourself around – good lessons, indeed. Shaking off doubt, fear and resentment is good for your mental health. Shaking off old life stories that drag you down is a skillful step that improves the joy of dancing through life.

When you find yourself willfully pursuing relationships that don’t work, or clinging to outmoded aspirations, turn yourself around. This simple act instantly gives you an entirely different perspective.

When you’re stuck in unhealthy relationships, stuck in poor employment situations, or stuck in beliefs that you’ve outgrown, turn in a new direction. If you find that you dance to a different beat, be willing to laugh. And, if you’ve been dancing the same ole dance for a very long time, acknowledge that it’s time to turn yourself around.

The Hokey Pokey may not be what Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers or Michael Jackson danced, yet dancing through life is as simple and as joyful as you make it, and that’s what it’s all about.

Doggone New Year's Resolutions

Thu, 11 Feb 2010 17:02:40 -0500

Doggone it! It’s time to make those New Year’s resolutions.

Some will resolve, “Absolutely, 2010 will be the year I lose weight, exercise more, spend less, stop smoking, end the family feuds and finish all the half-finished projects.”

Not me. Since I’ve worked like a dog for years, I’m resolving to live the awesome life of a dog.

Dogs are valued as loyal companions, members of the family and best friends. Doesn’t get much better than that, yet the canine species has also mastered the art of living in the now. Think of the freedom of being concerned with nothing more than the here and now.

There is one exception to a dog’s here and now lifestyle -- they bury bones and remember exactly where they’ve buried them. Is that an investment in the future, or what?

I like that idea. It makes me wonder what I love enough to bury in the back yard for safekeeping. Remembering where it’s buried will be the biggest challenge.

Speaking of memory, I am reminded of a small magnet that’s stuck to my refrigerator door. It reads, “Never trust a dog to watch your food.” I think it’s me you can’t trust to watch your food, so I’m giving up any, and all, resolutions relating to food.

Dogs love to go for walks. Most prefer pausing at fire hydrants and bushes that are marked with messages from every terrier, boxer, collie, poodle, pit bull and mutt in the neighborhood. I’m going to enjoy leaving my messages alongside theirs.

Sniffing to their heart’s content is vital to the life experience of dogs. They don’t hesitate to stick their noses in your crotch, either, but don’t worry, when I assume the life of a dog, I’ll refrain from such behavior and keep my sniffing to the roses, pine needles and cedar boughs. Admittedly, my nose will perk up when passing the local bakery.

Applying dog commands to my life will be interesting, particularly sit and stay. When boredom sets in, which often signals that it’s time for a snack, sit and stay will be useful.

Let’s discuss the issue of treats and bones. Most dogs are quite selfish and not at all willing to share their treats and bones. I think I’m going to enjoy asserting myself with an occasional growl when someone attempts to steal my treats.

I’ll give up the human habit of chewing the fat and take up chewing a bone instead. Sounds like a weight loss program to me.

Dogs are consistently loyal, dependable, and willing to express unconditional love, 24/7. I’m willing to take lessons. Yes, I’ll gaze into the eyes of those I love, but shaking my boodie as often as my dog wags his tail will require some practice.

Dogs love to be together, romp together and travel together. They are pack animals. I like this quality. It’s different from our American culture that promotes self-sufficiency and independence.

I appreciate how easily dogs work things out. Prancing, sniffing, dodging, crouching, ears perked up, hair on end -- most of them don’t take each other very seriously. They adjust quickly and carry on with life. Respect seems to be encoded in their genes.

In dog years, I’m nine, so I’ll command a little respect in the pack. I’m sticking with the idea that you can’t teach old dogs new tricks.

Yes, I might roll over, but please, no agility courses. It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I’m already hounded enough. And, don’t call me a hot dog, either.

What about barking? There are the yappers, and then there’s the neighbor’s dog that barks and snarls every time I walk by. He’s tethered to a tree. Maybe that’s why he snarls. I’m sure I’d bark and snarl, too, if someone tied me up.

Give me the life of a dog like my dog, any day. Yes, I’m willing to trust, like he does, that I’ll be fed and doors will be opened for me. And I look forward to finding the best sunny spot in the house and basking there for hours.

But, please don’t apply the flea repellant. It wears off with time, and so do resolutions.

Judgment Day or Non-Judgment Day

Thu, 4 Feb 2010 19:02:35 -0500

If you think judgment day is coming soon, you might want to think again. From what I observe, our own human-made version is already here: Most of us are already busy judging each other endlessly, every day. We judge our friends when they show up late. We judge our partners when they forget a special occasion. We judge our children for making stupid choices. We judge the contents of newspapers, the decisions of city councils, the news reported by news reporters, the tidiness of street sweepers, and the volume of the neighbor’s music.

The list gets longer and longer and longer once we add how often we judge ourselves: For being idiots, for being impatient, for breaking our promises, for being overly enthusiastic, for forgetting just about anything, for being unkind or too kind. Need I say more?

Judgment day is every day.

Can you imagine the effect these judgments have on each one of us, all day, every day? How about focusing on a new concept – non-judgment day. Hmmm. Could we do it? Could we get through the day without judging?

Imagine the level of awareness it would take to recognize all the thoughts that pass through our minds. Imagine the effect that these judgments have on each one of us. Now imagine being free of all this judgment.

My guess is that we’d walk around less worried, less angry, less defensive, less aggressive, and free of the unconscious energetic weight of all those judgments. Is it time we stopped spending so much of our life energy judging each other, and judging ourselves?

Let’s see what that might look like. If we become keenly aware of every judgment we make during a day, how do you think it would impact our lives? Imagine every furrowed brow, every tense neck, all aching backs, every puckered butt and inhaled stomach relaxing because we don’t feel judged. Imagine that! Can’t you already feel the tension leaving your body? What a relief, yes?

If we become willing to pay attention to the judgments, to feel how toxic they are, how they create tension and emotional upset, disrupt relationships and create life-long resentments, then we can free ourselves and choose a new way of being.

And, being is the key. Let yourself be. Let others be. As the Beatles first sang, let’s, “Whisper words of wisdom -- Let it be, let it be.”

Non-judgment days include replacing every judgment that arises with a thought of kindness, a thought of forgiveness, and a thought of compassion. Imagine that.

Instead of ignoring self-judging thoughts like, “Dang, I’m an idiot,” notice it and respond with something like, “I’m replacing that thought with, I love myself unconditionally.”

Judging begets judging. Forgiving and loving beget forgiving and loving. That’s the nature of life. The seeds we plant determine what grows. And, what we plant and grow is what we harvest.

We live in times of great change. And change gets scary sometimes and not many are comfortable living with uncertainty. Yet practicing non-judgment moves us out of unproductive thinking and allows us to focus on new possibilities that nurture, inspire and sustain us and those around us.

Consider letting go of every judgment you have about yourself. Yes, every judgment. Lay them all down, those judgmental swords that have pierced your heart and the hearts of others. Say no to judging thoughts and your heart opens to spaciousness. Non-judgment is a state of being with our innate goodness. Our well being thrives.

This change is no simple, overnight task, and it begins with you and me. It begins by first noticing the judging thoughts, then refocusing – choosing to turn away from the judgments. Instead of pointing out the shortcomings of others, look again, and make a different choice. Instead of judging someone else as impatient and unloving, take the opportunity to remember that you want to be more patient and more loving.

I’m encouraging everyone to consider making the Peninsula a judgment-free zone, a continuous succession of non-judgment days. This could spread as fast as yesterday’s “practice random acts of kindness” bumper stickers. The disposition of each of us would be altered. Headlines would read: Peninsula citizens inspire a planetary trend that alters the course of human evolution. I see it. Do you?

It helps to remember that the distance between our judging minds and our loving hearts is about fourteen inches.

Impatience with the Imperfection of Others

Thu, 4 Feb 2010 18:02:03 -0500

How often do I find myself impatient? Let me count the ways: Move over; Hurry up; Stop repeating yourself and get to the point. Must you reorganize the contents of your handbag, re-tie your neck scarf, text someone, apply new lipstick and put on your gloves before you are willing to give up your parking space?

Impatience begins with annoyance and agitation. It walks hand in hand with self-centeredness: I want something changed. I want it changed now. And, I want it my way.

Impatience is the rise of an internal fire that can erupt like a volcano.

An example of impatience turned tragic was a Bay Area incident involving two freeway commuters. A CEO was tailgating a young SUV driver who was going the speed limit. Both were in the fast lane, and the CEO wanted the SUV driver to move over.

The CEO’s impatience grew dangerously hostile. He decided to pass the SUV by moving into the right lane. Pulling up along side, he rolled down his window and the drivers began fist shaking and shouting profanities.

The CEO recklessly veered in front of the SUV, causing that driver to lose control, jump a median and crash head-on into an oncoming semi-truck. The SUV driver and his wife were killed instantly. Their five-month-old baby survived.

This situation escalated from impatience to death within minutes. I was on the jury that convicted the CEO of vehicular manslaughter.

Two minutes of impatience and the lives of the victims, the CEO, and all of their families and loved ones were changed forever. As we all know, this is hardly an isolated incident. Unmanaged impatience causes pain, damage, death and suffering everyday.

And, there’s no way around it – we’re in charge of managing our own impatience.

Consider a scene at home. You want your children to hurry up – it’s time to head out for school and work. “Come on, get going,” you shout, impatience escalating into anger.

One child is gathering her stuff – not fast enough for you – and your impatience provokes a yelling match. Unkind words are exchanged. Your daughter breaks down in tears and the day has turned sour for everyone.

We may become impatient with the elderly. You snap at your mother because she can’t remember the details that you think are important. Or, in caretaking your grandfather, you become impatient when he wets his pants for the second time that day. Impatience rears up in countless life settings.

Recently, I found myself impatient with a tech support person who didn’t speak English clearly. I wanted my problem solved fast and couldn’t understand what he was saying. I took a deep breath and asked myself, what’s more important – haste or human relations? I decided to refocus my frustration.

One thing I’ve learned about impatience is that it’s an opportunity to become aware of how it begins with each of us.

Often we’re the focus of our own impatience – fed up with our own imperfections. Why can’t I figure this out? What’s taking me so long? How many times do I have to do this before I learn my lessons?

Impatience is a wake-up call. It reminds me to slow down, take a deep breath and get a broader perspective on the situation. Will this matter a week from now? Ten years from now? I try to remember that the world needs more gentleness, not more anger. I need to be gentle with others -- and myself.

Instead of thumping my fingers on the steering wheel, glaring impatiently as a shopper loads groceries into her car -- occupying the parking space I want – I practice deep breathing. Relax. Change my attitude. Smile and forgive myself for putting pressure on anyone. No one needs extra pressure in their lives.

Maybe if we each carried a vase of roses in the car, we would take a few seconds to smell them instead of laying on the horn. Or maybe we need to install a video camera at home so we can play back the many ways our impatience interferes with showing each other that we care.

I’m adopting a new mantra. Or maybe it’s a prayer: When impatience points out imperfection, may a guardian angel named Patience appear and remind me to see everything through the eyes of love.