Linda Seccaspina's Open Salon Blog

Vertigo of the Golden Gate Bridge - 75 Years

Sun, 27 May 2012 12:05:49 -0400

Please Play While Viewing Pictures

Dedicated to the 75th Anniversary of the Golden Gate Bridge

and to the HItchcock's film Vertigo

ALL PHOTOS BY LINDA SECCASPINA

Now available on Amazon US and Amazon Canada. Canadians please contact me for books to get cheaper shipping.

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The Odd Ins and Outs of Public Sex

Mon, 21 May 2012 10:05:35 -0400

Did I miss a memo somewhere that having sex in public is sexy? For decades my eyes have not been closed to those that seek anonymous sex somewhere other than a bedroom. In fact when I owned a retail store I used to sell international guide books right next to my Gay Bob Dolls, where one might find a little activity when traveling.

Not that there is anything wrong with it, but I know Applebee's and Target can be a bedroom away from home in those family style bathrooms - as long as you don't park your butt on those iffy diaper changing tables.

Never mind the Mile High Club; how about the Drive Thru of some fast food joint on a busy weekend when you have 7 minutes to spare in a long line-up? Which reminds me that my friend should have consulted me a few months ago about this idea before she got a ticket for public indecency. Unless it's the manager, this one is probably a no-no.

It would be the same issue with having sex in the Sheriffs Department mens room across from your probation officer. A neighbour found out quickly that Have Gun Will Travel in an official place should probably not occur.

Last week Bobcat Goldwaith look-alike Alan Petrusson tied himself to a tree, blindfolded himself, exposed his frank and beans and waited for anonymous sex in a Ramsey, MN park. I've heard of 'tree huggers' and 'nature lovers', but this guy's in a category of his very own. How does a blindfolded person tie himself to a tree ? Doesn't that take all the romance out of anonymous sex in a park?

According to the Huffington Post,

"It's the weirdest thing I've heard of out there," said Ramsey Police Chief James Way ."We have had reports of sexual activity out there though."

When Ramsey Police found Petrusson's car with pornographic material in the back seat; the man came forward and admited that it was his car and he had been just sleeping against the tree.

"I don't believe that," Way said. "That's up to a judge and/or jury to determine, if it gets that far."

Since the tree he was allegedly tied to was not on park property Petrusson faces charges of indecent exposure, and your basic lewd conduct and trespassing.

Local newspaper The Coon Rapids Herald has continually reported of patrons frequenting the park apparently thinking "fly-fishing" is permissible.

Petrusson is darn lucky it wasn't time for squirrels to be gathering nuts and if he was that desperate why didn't he call The Kardashians. They just love public exposure!

Photos and Text by Linda Seccaspina 2012

Linda Secaspina 2012- author of "Menopausal Woman From the Corn"

Now available on Amazon US and Amazon Canada. Canadians please contact me for books to get cheaper shipping.

Or buy the Kindle version now available on the US site.

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How to Promote Your Book and Annoy Friends

Wed, 2 May 2012 10:05:50 -0400

When your book first comes out please note that only a few of your inner circle will realize that you don't have leprosy. Always carry around a card that says you are indeed healthy, as friends and family seem to dissappear like rats on a sinking ship when your book is finally available.

When a family member complains:

"Do you know how many Facebook notices I got today about your book?

(try to keep it under a daily baker's dozen)

Say forcefully;

"Just deal with it!"

Keep a box of books in your trunk and know deep down that your late father is secretly pleased you have now have weight in the trunk for traction on stormy days.

Always make sure your book is in Kindle format as people have had runaway hits on Amazon. Cranky Cuss's blog on how to publish a book on Kindle is not out yet, so after attempting to load it for the 43rd time I just paid the darn 69 bucks for the CreateSpace professionals to do it.

Remember that the Kindle process takes 3-4 weeks, which is about the same time when people will have completely forgotten you wrote a book.

Consider making a sex tape to help promote your book!

Maybe give-aways at the SF Giants parade if they win the World Series this year?

Thank goodness Buster Posey is back!

Put fliers around town and in your building. Usually a good place is right next to the x-rays of the neighbour musician who keeps breaking his bones in the punk mosh pit.

Start picking your choice of landfill or recycling place carefully for your book to have its perfect final resting space.

If your book does not sell they can always be given out as programs for your funeral.

Always watch what you spend to promote your book because those expenditures can add up quickly and put you in a precarious living situation.

Know that the only lights your book is going to see are these trout lights.

Keep a copy of your book with you at all times as you never know when someone in the check out line at Target will be interested.

Persistently pushing your book to menopausal ladies sitting next to you at a local sushi bar might result in them feeling the need to order extra sake after you finish your book spiel.

( My personal apologies to those ladies at table number 6 at Kirala on Saturday night and for clearing the place out.)

Always remember that you are not the only one that published a book on a particular day because there are 2999 others on CreateSpace that published a book that very same day. Just be happy you completed something in life and go back to writing your blogs about Cat Breading.

Always bow down to those that helped you and your literary friends.

In no particular order :

Diana Ani Stokely- the cover- Grafix to Go

Mary Holden- Duchess of Editing and Cheerleader

J Cooper-Bestie and kind editor on half the book

Steve- listening to hours of whining (he has no link as he is my link)

Open Salon Authors you Should Check Out

Cranky Cuss- Send in the Clown Cart

Matt Paust- If the Woodsman is Late

Jason Giecek- Shame of the Father

Kenneth Sibbett-A Killer of Angels

Con Chapman- Too many to list- the darn genius!

John Blumenthal- Three and a Half Virgins

Amy Abbott-The Luxury of Daydreams

Vanessa Seijo-Nicolás, la abuela Margot y el hechicero

Hayley Rose Horzepa-I Know Why They Call a Shell a Shell

Sharon Watts- Miss You Pat!

Arlene Walrond- Coffee With Milk

Linda Secaspina 2012- new book "Menopausal Woman From the Corn" now available on Amazon US and Amazon Canada. Canadians please contact me for books to get cheaper shipping. Or buy the Kindle version now available on the US site.

It Was a Noir of a Big Easy Garage Sale!

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 20:03:16 -0400

A Fictitious Marlowe and Sam Crime Story with Real Live Photos Taken Last Week...

"Sam, what do you know about a guy named King Photo?"

"Never heard of him. Who is he Marlowe?"

"Top-line picture blower out of San Francisco. Last night, he hits town, and already there was somebody around who thinks King Photo shouldn't be."

"What's that got to do with me?"

"Well, I thought you might check him out with me for me in the City by the Bay. Ya know, any connection with the mob, dope, the usual list."

"You got a lot of nerve, Marlowe. What do you think I'm running here, some kind of an information bureau?"

(Marlowe and Sam arrive at King Photo's home)

"Convenient, the door being open when you didn't have a key, eh Sam?"

"By the way Marlowe, how'd you happen to have one?"

"Is that any of your business Sam?"

"I could make it my business Marlowe! What the hell is all of this?"

"Do you like orchids Sam?"

"Not particularly, Marlowe."

"Ugh. Nasty things. Their flesh is too much like the flesh of men, and their perfume has the rotten sweetness of corruption."

"Looks like the flesh has seen a lot of orchids in their day here Marlowe"

"Marlowe, if you can use me again sometime, call this number."

"Day and night?"

Uh, night's better. I work during the day. So what's up with this Marlowe?

Think mischief has been afoot?

"You're a private detective too Sam, you tell me."

"Ya know Marlowe, I honestly didn't know detectives existed, except in books, or else they were greasy little men snooping around hotel corridors."

"So what is with the sheriff badges here?"

"Someone has funny business going on Marlowe! I think we have stumbled on King Photo's hide-out."

"Ahhh, look it's Mariah Carey on the wall; the guy had taste!"

"Let me do the talking Sam, angel; come to daddy!"

"Marlowe, is she as cute as you are?"

"Nobody is Sam. Nobody!"

"Well look at this video Sam, it comes complete with instructions on of how to be a detective in 10 easy lessons."

"Marlowe, you must've watched a lot of videos learning how to be a comedian."

"Sam, I collect blondes and bottles too."

"Look at these dames! I like the one on the left Marlowe!"

"Yeah, what you 'sees' is nothing, I got a Balinese dancing girl tattooed across my chest Sam."

"Is that the one that looks like a Pekingese Marlowe?"

"I knew one of the dames that lived here and I remember this bed Sam."

"How did you find her?"

"I didn't find her Sam."

"Well then how did you...".

"I have never been here Sam, you haven't seen me, and she no longer exists."

"I was beginning to think you worked in bed like Marcel Proust Marlowe."

"Who's he Sam?"

"You wouldn't know him, some sort of a French writer."

"Come into my boudoir baby and look at that ceiling! There's my girl on the wall Sam. There she is!"

"She tried to sit in my lap while I was standing up Sam."

"I don't like your manners Malowe!"

"And I'm not crazy about yours either Sam."

"I don't mind if you don't like my manners, I don't like them myself Sam. They are pretty bad. I grieve over them on long winter evenings."

"Look at that Sam! It's King Photo's mother; what a dame she was! She could drink any man under the table!"

"What is this Marlowe, hmm?"

"What does it look like Sam, hanging grapefruit?"

"Well, from here it looks like a fancy schmancy light pull!"

"You know, it's a funny thing Marlowe. You're trying to find out what your father hired me to find out, and I'm trying to find out why you want to find out."

"You could go on forever, couldn't you Sam? Anyway it'll give us something to talk about next time we meet."

"Among other things, let's take a look at the sign on King Photo's shed."

"Is King Photo in there Sam?"

"Yeah, yeah, he's here."

"Tell him to come out Marlowe, will you?"

"I can't Sam."

"Why?"

"Because he's dead."

(Marlow speaks on the phone to the local cops)

"Hi Joe! This is Marlowe."

"Yeah, Marlowe! What's left of King Photo?"

"Not much Eddie, just memories hangin' on the wall."

" My respects to him, Marlowe. Few men ever swapped more than one shot with King Photo."

"I know Eddie, even his cat is gone. I swear I looked at that empty litter box and suddenly felt like I was taking a trip down a sewer in a glass-bottom boat."

The End!

Apologies to Raymond Chandler for butchering every line he wrote. This was a real garage sale I went to last week and believe it or not there was actually more I just could not get myself to photograph... ahh... without getting caught..:)

All Photos: Linda Seccaspina

Text: Butchered text by Linda Seccaspina from the great Raymond Chandler.

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The Underworld of My Little Pony- Bronies the New Masons?

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 23:03:07 -0400

I started out to write an innocent article about 29-year-old Sarah Butler from the UK who collects My Little Pony figures. Butler doesn't have a dozen or two like I did, but has an astonishing 1,000 plastic ponies reported to be worth over $31,000. Now that's a lot of pony-picking Ebay shopping! Apparently she has created a whole room complete with matching My Little Pony bedspread, curtains and even homemade shelves that her Dad built.

"It's just a bright, happy, comforting place that reminds me of being a child,” 29 year-old Butler told the Sun.

By “Celestia's hooves” I thought that was such a sweet article but as I scanned down the page I noticed a link to a December 2011 article in Newser about the pony creator Hasbro asking some of the My Little Pony fan sites like “Ponyarchives” to cease offering videos of "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic". Of course all the content belongs to Hasbro and they are free to do what they want with their pony episodes. As I continued to do research one comment on the gay site “Lez Get Real” stood out and made my eyes pop.

“I was EXTREMELY disappointed by fansite Ponyarchive’s reaction, and I truly hope that Hasbro doesn’t assume the entire community is like that. Bronyville had a few things to say about it as well, and I’m hoping the majority of the community is with us.”

Michael

Community? What community?

Unknown to you and me there are hundreds of teenage and adult men who bow down and worship the TV series “ My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic” cartoon series and are called “Bronies”. Does it not seem odd to you that the Bronies devote their lives to pink and purple plastic toy ponies? I understand loneliness and wonder if it was simply because some of these men replaced girlfriends with the 4th generation of My Little Pony. I asked myself if we were all doomed, and will a pink plastic pony become the fourth horseman?

This past January at the Hotel Pennsylvania in midtown Manhattan a herd of men and some women attended the 2012 Winter BronyCon. Apparently there were quite a few women (Pegasis) to support them and chants of "P-O-N-I-E-S! What does that spell? Ponies!" were everywhere. Friends of “the pony” told anyone who would listen that they were “out of the stable and proud!”

The pillar of the community is online's Equestria Daily with everything you want to know about My Little Pony love and gets roughly 175,000 page views per day. It has a loyal fan-base and they are devoted herd, similar to Lady Gaga's Little Monsters and if someone posts some “pony hate” anywhere on the web; well- God help them. If Equestria Daily receives a tip; the entire fan-base will ride in like a counter troll response team and shoot some rainbow sparkles on you.

All neighing aside I think these Bronies are kind of cool and good mate material because anyone who is seeking loyalty in a prospective boyfriend would love someone who enjoys a show which emphasizes and values the virtues of friendship. With all this hate that people project these days I admire anyone who admits they enjoy and promote harmony and friendship, which has always been the basis of My Little Pony.

Besides; My Little Ponies are so badass!

"Sometimes the thing you think will cause you to lose friends and feel left out can actually be the thing that helps you make your closest friends and realize how special you are."

Episode 12 My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

Linda Seccaspina 2102

DEDICATED TO CON CHAPMAN

Photo 1- Linda Seccaspina

Photo 2- Aramek- Google Images

Photo 3-Kaboodle Google Images

Photo 4- The poster from The Dilettantista - Google Images

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