Esse Est Percipi's Open Salon Blog

Studio 208

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 22:10:08 -0400

So my folks wanted to see my new place, so here you have it. The main room is about 15'x20'.

TV, PS3, Wii (man-cave), fridge, and closet

Table, Chairs, and roomie's computer

Bunks, Last one in (me) gets top bunk :P

Couch.

Just a Heads Up

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 21:09:52 -0400

Lately, many of you may (or may not) have noticed that I haven't been around. This is for two very good reasons. Reason one: I have two jobs now trying to save up as much money as possible, which is seriously cutting into my time for R&R. Reason two: I want no part of this political healthcare bullshit. Nobody really knows anything, some people just want to complain, some people just want to argue, and some people don't give a damn. Whichever way you slice it, it annoys me, and I want no part of it. So until I am away at college, I probably won't be around much. Just a heads up.

New From Scotland: "I Can't Believe It's Not Bullshit!"

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 15:08:33 -0400

I dunno if you've heard this or not, but Scotland is now officially the Western Worlds' retarded cousin. I'm going to try and tell you what happened, but I hafta go fast, because if there are any pauses during which my brain can process what I am saying, my poor cerebrum will just stroke out, and I will begin to drool, and as soon as that thread of drool hits my keyboard, my entire head will explode. And I just bought a brand new laptop, and I don't want brain gunk making the keys all sticky.

OK, here goes.

The Scottish Government decided to free Abdel Baset Al-Megrahi from a life sentence in prison after only eight years. Why? He was terminally ill. He had prostate cancer, and approximately three months to live. Why was he in prison? For killing 259 fucking people. 259! Al-Megrahi was the only man convicted of placing a bomb on an airplane in what would later be called the Lockerbie Bombing. And he was flown back to Libya by the Scots. First fucking class.

Now, did anyone stop to consider that the people on the plane he blew out of the sky didn't have three months notice? They didn't get to go home and say goodbye first. And also, if they thought that Al-Megrahi had nothing to lose before he found out he was dying of an aggressive and painful cancer, what do they think he's gonna do now? Now, with an expiration date, he's got even less to lose, and, presumably, even more to accomplish.

In a shocking moment of clarity, however, the Scots did manage to put him on their "No-Fly List". [Citation needed]

Why I Need A Dog

Wed, 5 Aug 2009 23:08:29 -0400

People suck. I can't stand people. I have been trying for a while to change this opinion, to become a social person, but I just can't get around the facts. I wanted to be popular when I was younger, to have people appreciate me, to be everyone's pal. As I grew older, however, I began to appreciate not having to deal with people. Because talking with people is like a hostage negotiation. Say the wrong thing, and somebody ends up in serious trouble. You have to keep a mental note of everything that the other person likes, as well as what ticks them off, as well as a complete psychological profile just to talk about general trivialities.

And that's before you get into sub-text. There are two options when you're talking with another person. Either you're talking about exactly what you think you are and it's boring as hell, or there's so much sub-text you need a Little Oprhan Annie decoder ring (special thanks to the people who have seen A Christmas Story and chortled at that).

I'm beginning to understand how websites like eHarmony remain in business. They just promise that they can find someone that's using the same decoder ring as you. I still wouldn't use it, all I'm saying is I understand.

I dunno. People are too damn complicated. Give me enough time, and I can break a person down to their drives, their motivations. I have a good grasp of psychology. But I don't talk to people well. I would rather take the time to write out the perfectly worded e-mail than try and have an actual conversation with a person. I'm an observer. That's the problem I have. I don't interact well. That's the word. Interact.

For those of you who somehow missed it, I am sarcastic, opinionated, and my internal censor is on a permanent vacation. It's all I can do to butter up customers at work.

What I need, even more than a hobby, is a dog. Dogs don't judge. Dogs, generally speaking, are whores. And I mean that in the most loving way possible. All you need to win over a dog is a milk-bone and knowledge of ear-location in the canine species. Dogs are totally uncomplitated. Your dog won't bullshit you. Your dog won't contradict itself constantly. It'll just sit there with its tongue out while you scratch its head. People should be more like that. Less small-talk, less bullshit. Say what you mean, and tell it like it is. Don't just sit there giving me the psychological reach-around. Don't pretend. If you don't care, then say so. Life is too short for sub-text. All I ask is that you don't waste my time.

I guess I'm really having problems because I am rational, and people have emotions, and the two are like mothers and reason, rubber and lighting, oil and water.

I know it's early, but I already have my Christmas list made up:

Dear Santa,

I don't want much this year. Just give me an island. And a dog.

Thanks,

Victor

And thus I defer back to my original statement: People suck.

How The Scottish Conan Guy Is Saving Late-Night TV

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 21:07:28 -0400

It's late at night, and the networks are all broadcasting their talk shows that have become a who's who of upcoming movies and bands. But after watching these shows for a while now, I've come to a conclusion: With the notable exception of Craig Ferguson, they suck major wind.

Letterman is probably a distant second. His Small Town News segment still gets a laugh, as does the occaisional photoshop of Lady Liberty. But other than that, he's pretty much turning into a humorless rant about Broadway, Mayor Bloomberg, and Bernie Madoff. He's still pulling in the big name actors, and he actually had a good show one night when Kevin Spacey joined him, but other than that, he shamelessly plugs their movies left and right, and fails to bring about any enlightening conversation.

Conan O'Brien is worse. Much, much worse. If the TV is your body, then Letterman is trans fats, and Conan is calories. Bad calories. The calories that will fuck. you. up. Conan doesn't even do interviews anymore, he has simply mastered the art of asking questions and then interrupting people in mid-response. Watching Conan interviews is like watching a nuerotic schizophrenic jack-rabbit on crystal meth trying to work it's way through a house of mirrors. "Oh," you say, "is THAT what it's like?" Yes, that is exactly what it is like. Kiss my poorly thought out absurdly long analogy for an ass. The only funny moment on Conan in months was during his interview with Billy Shatner. Even I have to give credit to this:

In a world where we are inundated with cheap talk-show comedy on a fairly regular basis, the fact that Oprah can make me laugh more often than Letterman is sad (although I DO have a profoundly fucked up sense of humor). Still, there is one shining light among these dull, droll people, and that is Craig Ferguson. Yes, the Scottish-Conan-Guy. He talks about things that are actually happening, but he (unlike some Letterman's I could mention) never tells the same joke twice. He interviews authors, not just actors (for those of you who are Conan people, authors are what we call people who write books) and he manages to get by without an entire band backing him up. He's not afraid to just improvise segments of the show, and actually talks with his guests. He doesn't just invite them to plug the new flick. Letterman, I hope you're taking notes. Also, he has puppets, and who doesn't love puppets? Also, Ferguson takes e-mails from fans like me, so there Letterman :P