EvaHolman's Open Salon Blog

the music you "hate:" 2010 definitive year-end list

Sat, 18 Dec 2010 22:12:26 -0500

In 2010, the way I consume pop culture was forever altered. Not because of technology. Not because of Zuckerberg, both real and Jesse, but because I got my driver's license.

This meant that -- for the first time in my life -- I had total control over the music. I no longer had to call "shotgun." I was the shotgun, shooting not bullets but snippets of Justin Beiber's "One Time."

The second thing that happened was I learned that my car has a button on the wheel which allows me to switch between radio stations without moving my hands.

Ergo, I have heard -- mostly in 3-second snippets -- every single song from 2010 that a 7th grader would find meaningful. (I had 5 memory settings. I'm not going to waste that on, like, Classical).

And so, I present:

The 2010 definitive list of artists you claim to hate but would save from a burning building over Bach. (Come on. You would save Ke$ha over Bach.)

Note: I will devote more time later to those who, for either amazing or terrible reasons, transcend the category of music in our pop culture lives.

Most number of totally -- and I mean totally -- forgettable #1 hits: Rihanna

"What's My Name?" More like "What's That Song?" Kidding. I like that song and that joke was bad. But if you could not wail tunelessly about being the "only girl in the world," I'd appreciate it. Also, is Eminem Swedish or something? Because last time I checked, the phrase "I love the way you lie" made no sense.

Rapper who thinks he's Oliver Twist but isn't: B.o.B

I know it sucks to no longer work at Subway. But next time you pretend that the "airplanes/ in the night sky/ are like shooting stars," you might want to mention that you own them.

Angstier than a Plain White T at his first dance: Bruno Mars

I find you to have severe emotional problems. Do you even know the girl you're singing about in "Grenade?" Or are you just "awaiting friend confirmation?"

Most unintentionally ironic: Sara Bereille

I mean....she did write us a love song. No?

Artist whose songs are clearly written while on "E" for the purpose of listening to while at a black light party and on "E:" Black Eyed Peas

Teenager who takes laser tag way too seriously and looks like a woman: Justin Bieber

Teenager whose life is most negatively affected by the existence of Bret Michaels Miley Cyrus

(Runner up: everyone).

Teenager who -- oh, wait. She's not going to be one for, like, 90 years: Willow Smith

Female artist I should find empowering but actually hate: Pink

Pink is that girl who claims to be a tomboy but buys her cutoff denim shorts at Jessica McLintock. Do you always have to be *so* shit-kickingly irreverent? It's getting old.

Female artist I should hate but actually find empowering: Katy Perry

Yes, most of the time Katy Perry is about as enlightened as The Tourist. But she writes her own music and some of her songs are actually really funny ("Peacock" is awesome). And that music video for "Firework?" The one where she saves at risk kids by pointing her exploding breasts at them, which are actually fireworks? I'm pretty sure it's a metaphor.

Bromance we can all celebrate and enjoy: Timberland and Justin Timberlake

"Carry Out"features such clever lyrics as "Now is it full of myself/to want you full of me?" and "Baby get my order right/ no errahs/ Imma touch you in all the right areas." And technically, the music video is "really, really offensive." But they're just so darn likable. Not Oscar likable. But likable.

Music video that's just ... hideous. Miley Cyrus, "Can't be Tamed."

How about if we just tame your desire to do anything in front of a camera?

Song you thought kind of already made the rounds but apparently didn't: Beyonce, "Halo"

I know you love Beyonce and want her to sit in the front row so you can pan to her whenever the person onstage is ugly, but "Halo" won Vocal Performance of the Year last year. At this point, you might as well just drop all pretext and nominate Beyonce for "Best Comedy" along with The Tourist.

Worst lyrics ever including all songs written by Lindsay Lohan: Keri Hilson, "Pretty Girl Rock"

"My name's Keri/

I'm so very/

fly oh my it's a little bit scary..."

We all love a good hook girl. For thousands of years, hook girls have contributed to society by taking what a rap artist says and sexily repeating it. So it's a special kind of graduation when 'hook girls' break free from the shackles of suggestive parroting. I had high hopes for Keri Hilson, whose sentiments rarely veered from "Sometimes love knocks you down! Just get back up when it knocks you down!" Unfortunately, "Pretty Girl Rock" sounds like a Remedial Improvised Rhyming 001 reject.Come on, Keri. For former hook girls everywhere -- raise the bar a little, huh?

Most awesome use of the sound "Ay:" Lady Gaga

Lady Gaga puts the "Ay" in Lady Gaga. Gotta love "Eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh/stop telephonin' meh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh." Obvious-lay.

Most obnoxiously literal song about how her old boyfriend sucks: Orianthi, "According to You"

Orianthi was clearly created solely to make pre-teens feel indie while rocking out at sleepovers. Do you take lyric lessons from Kelly Clarkson? Because this is makes "My Life Would Suck Without You" sound like Eric Clapton.

Song that -- while you intellectually understand that it's bunch of white gangsta toolbags -- you always, always listen to all the way through: Far East Movement, "G6"

and, finally........

the most talented artist of the year: This parrot. Enjoy. And let me know if I left anything out.

Digital Life Sacrifice: Kardashians NOT tweeting? For AIDS?

Thu, 2 Dec 2010 14:12:38 -0500

Being a celebrity is sort of like being rich. Rich people think that -- in addition to owning the whole world and an iPad -- they should run it, too. And we all agree in the hopes that maybe someday we'll scratch something luckier than ourselves in two places.

Similarly, celebrities appear to think that -- because they're celebrities -- they are indisputably the most broken up about horrible tragedies. Because -- unlike us -- when they're crying, they usually show their good side.

Ergo, as they are sadder, richer, and have sexier "I'm Dead" casket photos, celebrities -- when it comes to unspeakable tragedies -- are automatically insanely helpful.

2010 was a red letter year for this phenomena. Like Night of the Useless Red Ribbons, aka Golden Globes 2010 (which I posted about here.) At that time, I didn't think it could get worse than Nicole Kidman's fake blubbering about the orphans of Haiti as her bling caught the light.

Next is Ke$ha's recent "honoring of teen suicide victims" with a song which was probably written in 2004 by a hundred monkeys at a hundred typewriters: For the record, "We R Who We R" was recorded weeks before news of these horrible tragedies even hit. It's a pretty subtle metaphor, as the song appears to be about girls who get "sexy-fied," totally wasted and then spend the rest of the song imploring the DJ to "turn it up." (By "Turn it up," they mean tolerance and respect for gay teen youth, I'm sure.)

In her defense, Kesha is doing great things, as demonstrated by recent headline: "Kesha Calls Halt to Nazi Dancewear." So it's nice that you're dialing down your pro-Halocaust message, Kesha, but "We R who we R" has nothing to do with Suicide.

But then -- oh, then -- there was yesterday's "Digital Life Sacrifice."

Yes, "Sacrifice." Because -- like Nicole Kidman wearing a red ribbon that didn't color coordinate with her bling -- this is a sacrifice.

I'd like to remind you that the following is in the name of people dying of AIDS.

So, what are celebrities doing this time? They are ending their "digital lives" by signing off from all social networking platforms, including Facebook and Twitter. In solidarity with those in India and Africa affected by HIV/AIDS. And they won't come back online till $1 million has been raised.

So, to sum, for celebrities:

not posting you had for lunch = dying of AIDS.

I really encourage you to check out the eulogies for yourself. They are, quite simply, amazing. But here's a little sample:

Kim Kardashian, who can be summed up in one sentence. The sentence: "It's true, I'm a little obsessed with Twitter, but I'm even more obsessed with fighting AIDS!" Moving on.

Then there's Khloe, who, as usual, looks not so much sad about AIDS as confused, like she's been doing a math problem while squinting into the sun. This explains a lot, as -- judging from her weirdly suggestive reading -- Khloe appears to think AIDS is a low-budget adult entertainment phone service.

Next is Justin Timberlake, looking rather dapper in a schoolboy cap and fake hornrimmed glasses. He has a leg up on many of the others in that he appears to know that AIDS is bad and wants it to end. Almost as much as he wants an Oscar. Not as much, but close.

In addition to the comically insane narcissism of sexy casket photos and not tweeting, you also have to wonder what they were thinking when they chose which celebrities' "absence from social media" is supposed to panic people into giving money to AIDS.

Kim Kardashian? Threatening to not be online? And Khloe? Throw in the third one and AIDS might actually become a problem.

You want to help people with AIDS? How about sacrificing your Vikadin? Or .... I don't know...a million dollars?

Memo to celebrities: In the website of life, you are not a dot org. You are a dot com.

Having launched your own purse line does not automatically make you Mother Teresa. So next time you flip through a fashion magazine and chew gum, please....don't do it in the name of Genocide. (Get your assistant to look it up on Wikipedia.)

By the way, two days into the "Sacrifice" of "Digital Life," fans have donated about $161,000. Calling into question who thinks not getting a TwitPic from SwizzBeats is the actual sacrifice. I'm thinking it's SwizzBeats.

But AIDS is a big problem. As urgently explained by Khloe Kardashian:

“Buy my life back now...... because the sooner you do, the sooner I can tweet again. Which would be great, ‘cause I’m not very good at being quiet!”

Sarah Palin's Alaska: family, work ethic & fish. mostly fish

Thu, 2 Dec 2010 01:12:51 -0500

I watch Reality TV for many reasons. First and most obvious, the reality. Second, to keep up with my friends from the mythical island of White Trash, New Jersey. Sort of like a Narnia, only you settle all your arguments by punching people in the face.

But really, I watch it for the same reason everyone else does: to see insanely un-self-aware people pontificate their crazy-ass world view.

These people vary widely in their backgrounds and romantic ties to Miley Cyrus's mom. But if I had to come with one most crucial quality Tila Tequila, Snookie, and Amarosa all share, it's that -- for all the crazy, incoherent, dogmatic psycho and the general lack of basic life skills -- they know, deep down, that they will never be President.

Therein lies the basic flaw of "Sarah Palin's Alaska."

The TLC show centers around former Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin, whose hobbies include family, Alaska, drawing passionate analogies between her love for her family and her love of Alaska, an inhuman enthusiasm for everything and, of course, Alaska. And family. And "work ethic." And Alaska.

Bristol Palin isn't there so much. Possibly because she is fox-trotting with one of the original New Kids, we cannot be sure.

Highlights include:
The Palin family rowing a boat up to a bunch of scary wild bears, fresh from the TLC prop department
Sarah scaling a giant ice cravasse and saying, "That's a deep dark crack down there!"
Sarah complaining about her lack of privacy to the 50 cameras shoved in her face.

Really, though, "Sarah Palin's Alaska" gives us a new appreciation for the Palin family, which tirelessly pretends that Sarah is not talking to 90,000 people at all times. Examples:
(upon seeing a brown bear, cheerfully): "I love bears. They've got a nature human kind can learn from!"
(upon completing a task, cheerfully): "It's so worth it to put forth the effort!"
(upon visiting a Native American fish compound, cheerfully): "I'm excited to see this beautiful native village!"

Speaking of which, "Sarah Palin's Alaska" has a lot more to do with gutting and processing fish than one might have hoped. Like Willow Palin's Sweet 16, which -- like all Sweet 16s -- was celebrated by gutting and processing fish. And "Track" Palin, Sarah Palin's 21-year-old son, who proved he was a man to his father via gutting and processing fish. Sort of Northern Exposure meets meets Finding Nemo, if -- instead of being found -- Nemo were gutted and processed by Sarah's youngest daughter, Piper.

So in the end, "Sarah Palin's Alaska" is a cheerful, weirdly pro-fish television show starring a woman who looks like Tina Fey and is nervous. Probably because she owes money to the Fish Mafia, who -- unless she talks about fish at all times -- will break her arms and legs.

As for us, we should all bow down and give thanks to the batshit crazy people who selflessly sacrifice any future dignity for the sake of slightly alleviating our boredom. Because real reality TV -- like apple pie or Amy Adams's slightly uglier best friend -- is an American Institution.

Though I did enjoy the episode where the family went fishing in Bristol Bay. That's how babies are made!

Willow Smith is a prophet. Really. Really, really, really.

Sat, 20 Nov 2010 01:11:59 -0500

Okay. Can we talk about how Willow Smith is a prophet?

Here's why:
1. She's nine years old.
2. She doesn't let "haters" get her off "her grind."
3. She whips her hair.

I was thinking about Willow Smith because I'm starting to compile my Annual List of People I May have Trashed when I Knew Literally Nothing about Them.

To clarify, this has nothing to do with most people about whom I make immediate, cruel snap judgments. Because frankly, I'm always right. And if I'm wrong I simply don't have time to hear about it. That's their loss. And reputation.

But more about Willow Smith.

1. Willow Smith is named Willow Smith so people know she's related to her father, Will Smith.
2. Speaking of Will Smith: Will is actually short for "Willard."
3. Also, he actually is "West Philadelphia born and raised."
4. I'm on Wikipedia because I don't actually know anything about Willow Smith.

But I think we can surmise things about her beyond her mortifying older brother. That's an example of me trashing someone I don't know. What's his name? Eh, who cares.

My main point is: Willow Smith whips her hair around. But not like some poser. She whips it back and forth.

This is crucially important, people. She is making a point. Because nine-year-olds can make points. Like "Hi," and "I'm hungry," and "I'm in fourth grade." And other things that qualify her to be a youth ambassador to Project Zambia along with her older brother. See? I do know something about him.

Yes, a nine-year-old is launching her career before you even though you're 25 and had nothing to do with the movie "Wild Wild West." And your dad didn't star in "Hitch" as Alex "Hitch" Hitchens. But let's not hold it against her because honestly, the song is kind of cool and the music video makes her a little "L'il" Mama. And features one of those awesome dance circles where a baby is trapped between 20 people frantically whipping their hair and no one calls child services.

And a teacher has, like, a seizure. What is up with that? Is that because of the hair whipping?

So in sum, if I were to say one thing -- and also were President of the United States -- I would say this:
"Hop up out the bed turn my swag on/
Pay no attention to them haters/
Because we whip em off/
And we ain’t doin nothin wrong."

Okay. I'm going to go whip my hair. You do the same.

CNN Election Night aka Blitzer's new toy

Fri, 5 Nov 2010 11:11:46 -0400

Tuesday night was a big night!

Huge!

With ramifications on the highest of orders!

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid won! Which is a huge, huge win!....

….But it’s a towering, ginormous, big-scary-dinosaur-sized loss, too!

As you can probably tell, I did a little channel surfing Election night.

Mostly between CNN, MSNBC and the Fox Network. Where I learned that every giant rejection! was also -- depending on how you looked at it -- a frothing at the mouth endorsement!

Also, Randy Quaid and his wife are political refugees!

(Sorry, Joy Behar was interviewing them. Was there something more important going on?)

By far, the award for Most Helpful Political Analysis goes to Wolf Blitzer, who -- as usual -- used Election Night to debut a shiny new toy designed specially by modern science to be shiny and toy-like. We will never forget the holograms of 2008, which was groundbreaking in that it allowed CNN correspondents to pretend they were on Star Trek.

This year, it was "What If?" - a feature which allowed Blitzer to show exactly what the red/blue breakdown of the country would look like if -- for some reason -- people had decided to vote differently than they did. Which they did not.

Blitzer was also particularly adept at -- before making a projection -- pausing for the special Projection Music.

For many reasons, CNN was where it was at. Not just because of their "Decision Desk" featured people with names like Joe Johns and Erik Erikson. I'm definitely buying what they're selling. But also because they had a secret weapon: Elliot Spitzer smiling like a jackass.

There was much talk of the marijuana initiative on the ballots in California. Like many people, I was extremely disappointed that no one picked up on the potentially hilarious wordplay of “high user turnout.”

I'm not sure why I like CNN. Maybe it's Blitzer's tendency to refer to all the new Representatives as "attractive young men." Maybe it's the terrifying reminder over-population that only 45 publicity starved pundits shoved around one giant desk and interrupting one another can truly provide. Maybe it's that the whole thing was un-ironically sponsored by our good friends at Exxon-Mobile.

Whatever the case, I know this. Something happened Tuesday night. I don't know exactly what it was. But it was really fucking big.

Ps -- lots more to say on the Election, but I'm saving it for my next post, a reflection on what it was like to be on the National Mall for Inauguration tentatively entitled, "I saved my pee for this?"