everydayshakespeare's Open Salon Blog

An Open Letter to John Edwards from Shakespeare's Wives

Thu, 9 Dec 2010 10:12:36 -0500

An Open Letter to John Edwards from Shakespeare's Tragic Wives

Dear John,

There's some ill planet reigns. I must be patient till the heavens look with an aspect more favourable.

I know when thou hast stolen away from fairy land, and in the shape of Corin sat all day, playing on pipes of corn, and versing love to amorous Phillida.

Adieu, my lord: I never wish'd to see you sorry; now I trust I shall.

The drink, the drink! I am poison'd!

Yours Regrettably,

Hermione, Titania, and Gertrude

The Winter's Tale 2.1.29-31
A Midsummer Night's Dream 2.1.65-8
The Winter's Tale 2.1.147-9
Hamlet 5.2.320

Ophelia's Review of Starbucks Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffin

Wed, 22 Sep 2010 14:09:06 -0400

New Products at Starbucks: The Pumpkin Cream Cheese Muffin

BY OPHELIA (guest contributor and student, Elsinore High School)

First of all, I'm trying not to freak out right now. I thought I'd be OK back here at Starbucks--I mean, it's been like a year since I saw Hamlet here with that art chick and (yay!) she's totally in a psych ward now and so out of the picture.

There's no way I'm looking up from this laptop. There's two bee-yatches from school whispering in the corner about me, expecting me to cry because that's what everyone always expects me to do. And by the way, I've already cried for two hours in the parking lot in my father's Lexus, which he finally lets me drive again now that Hamlet and I have broken up.

People are such unforgiving assholes. And by "people" I mean Juliet who was my best friend last year during the Hamlet crisis. Now she's like "oh, you were so faking the suicide threat thing." In Bio yesterday, she mouthed "faker" at me just because I still haven't killed myself or anything. Juliet thinks she's got bigger problems than anyone.

If there's anyone who should hate anyone, it's me. Juliet told me about these "nonfat" pumpkins muffins at Starbucks a couple of weeks ago, and then she actually brought me some because she knew I didn't like to come in here. Well, I looked up the nutritional content of these things, and they're like 500 calories each!!!!

Then I saw Juliet licking Hamlet's hand in the hallway and it all started to make sense. Not cool, Juliet. Not cool at all.

The post-Yom Kippur Report

Mon, 20 Sep 2010 12:09:18 -0400

"What, shall this speech be spoke for our excuse?
Or shall we on without a apology?"

--Romeo, about to crash the party where he meets Juliet (Romeo and Juliet 1.4.1-2)

The Post-Yom Kippur Report

Yom Kippur's supposed to be an occasion to think about your bad behavior, sins, regrets over the past year. Times you should have said “sorry” but didn’t.

That was the problem: I’ve spent the past year training myself not to apologize for everything. So Yom Kippur felt kind of a gratuitous this year. Like, every day is Yom Kippur, so why is this any different? In addition to starving myself, should I also be feeling more guilt about the parent events I didn’t attend, the homework I didn’t help with, and the activities I didn’t sign the kids up for? Not to mention the deadlines at work I missed and the “must have coffees” I failed to follow through on. If anything, I need a holiday about refusing to say sorry.

For my kids (as guided by our temple rabbis), Yom Kippur means no pushing, no shoving, and apologies for all the crap you’ve done to your siblings over the last twelve months. For my husband, it means attending every temple service available during a twenty-four hour period and wearing a funereal black suit.

But does Yom Kippur have any use for me? I admit I was kind of psyched to fast because I haven’t exercised all week, but that’s obviously not very spiritual.

I’m sorry that I’m not more sorry. That’s all I got right now.

How I Became a Stock Character

Mon, 6 Sep 2010 22:09:10 -0400

How I Became a Stock Character

It all started when I got the email with the pictures. Like other faculty members with an outdated online profile picture, I was asked to make a visit to the university photographer. Given that I’m sporting a sweatshirt and damp hair in my current photo, this request seemed reasonable.

But the problem is that I actually like my current picture because I look like I don’t care. I tried to go for this look again, showing up for the photo session in a ratty black shirt. Kind of an edgy, anti-The Man look.

The end result, as I just discovered, are photos that capture a middle-aged woman trying to look cool. There’s me in a ratty black shirt against a blue marbleized corporate backdrop. I’m trying not to smile too hard, but it just looks like I’m emotionally wounded.

What bothers me, I think, is that I recognize the person in the proof sheet as a Type, drawn in Shakespeare’s pre-Cougar ladies like Cleopatra, who like to preen and be affirmed as all that. A woman whose age makes vanity a little embarrassing.

Now we’re familiar with this person in a regular comic context: Cougartown, Stephanie Dolgoff’s My Formerly Hot Life: Dispatches from Just the Other Side of Young, Tina Fey’s bit with Justin Bieber on SNL, etc., etc.

There’s nothing funny about those pictures of me. But I think I’ll send them to my friends just to make sure.

Craigslist Tips

Wed, 18 Aug 2010 17:08:03 -0400

Craigslist is a hot topic, and not just in my pathetic little world. First the unsavory story of the Craigslist killer. And, this morning, an interesting bit on NPR about how consumers would prefer to buy from other consumers. I, personally, like to think of my Craigslist purchases as a f-you to The Man (who usually goes by the pseudonym "Pottery Barn").

Because I am a Craigslist scholar, I can tell you that some items sell faster than others. What's the secret? Well, let's look at some ads recently posted by Shakespeare characters with Craigslist expertise.

category: Antiques

Ball-Busting Sword for Sale! $99 or BO

I'm selling one bad-ass sword that has been used in many battles. Are you the right guy to wield it????

Contact Antony: 617-555-1212 for more details.

category: Women's Clothing

Unique handkerchief for sale. Need to get rid of ASAP.

Beautiful design!!!!! Previously owned by ungrateful wife. Would like this to go to a faithful home.

Contact Othello: 617-555-1212 for price.

category: Vehicles

Gently Used Boat and/or Kindling

Can you restore this beauty to her former glory? She's a tough vessel that could use some TLC. $1.1 million dollars. Or barter for your enslavement.

Contact Prospero at krazymagik@aol.com

category: Personal Services

Assistant Needed/Flexible hours

I am a prince living in a castle with a horrible stepfather who is also my uncle. I'm looking to have him murdered and would prefer not to do this myself. All proposed methods will be considered.

Please contact Hamlet at DenmarkDude@comcast.net

category: Furniture

Lush Fairy Bower!!!!!

GORGEOUS grassy bower formerly occupied by FAIRY QUEEN. Moving in with husband so trying to get rid of bower this week. I will throw in four fairy helpers for free. Cash and carry only.

Call Titania (anytime--wink, wink) 1-800-ASS-LOVE