fireeyes24's Open Salon Blog

Out Of The Darkness

Thu, 29 Sep 2011 12:09:03 -0400

August 1989, after I had lost everything; my home, car, two jobs, and my sanity, because of an addiction to illegal street drugs and alcohol, my two daughters Bella (4), and Allie (3), and I moved into my mother’s very tiny one bedroom apartment. My mother had told me that my girls could stay at her apartment but I would have to find another place to stay, I wasn’t welcome stay at her place. I spent most the time, staying in bars, sleeping over at friend’s houses, or anywhere I could find to lay my head.

One night I had awoke to a shocking surprise; I had found myself laying curled up along aside a dumpster in a dark dirty alley, downtown Kansas City. How I got there was beyond me the last thing I remembered I was partying with a bunch of friends in the town of Olathe Kansas, almost thirty minutes away. An alarm began to sound off in my head. How could I continue to live such a destructive life? Something had to change and I was the only one who could make that change and it had to happen now not later.

When I returned to my mother’s apartment she started to yelling and screaming. That last thing I wanted to do was to listen to her, this time I listened, because she said she would help my ex husband take my children away. I didn’t blame her one bit, but there was no way I would stand by and let anyone take my girls away from me, they were my life all I had left. So about this time I really started to wake up, to see what I was doing to my girls, my life, my family, and to myself. I was on a self destructive path to the bottomless bottom, where a way out might not have existed.

I received a phone call from my favorite aunt Claire. She had been talking to my mother, and knew what almost everything that was going on in my life. Claire talked me into moving out of state where she lived, to try to give myself and my girls a fresh start. She told me we could stay at her house until I could get on my feet again.

Clair was always a strong willed, outgoing, person with a huge heart. At the age of 49, she was a little on the heavy side, had beautiful reddish gray hair, and worked long hard hours waiting tables at the Holiday Inn. She had two daughters Dana (19), away at college, and Renee (17) in high school. She may as well raise the two girls on her own for see never got much support from her husband. Claire was always on the go, busy doing for others, working, or attending church. No matter how tired she was Claire never knew how to say no.

I felt bad moving into her already busy household, I didn’t want to become a burden to anyone, but I knew I could not do the fight alone. I was drowning and falling into a huge black hole. When it seemed as if no one cared, Claire reached out her soft gentle over worked hands and started to pull me out of the darkness that had become my life. She made room in her busy life for a 24 year old disturbed girl and two beautiful little angels. I know the noise and pressure of all the people in her house had to get to Claire, but it never seemed to stop her.

I was soon able to open up to Claire, which was a new experience to me, because for 14 years I locked everything inside, building a mountain so high no one could reach me. For the first time in my life someone actually heard everything I said. Claire sat and listened in an understanding way. I poured out 14 years of heartaches, hurt, and pain, into her lap. She would gently gather up the pieces of the mountain and little by little it started to crumble. Claire started to make suggestions of what I could do to change all the problems, and make choices that would change my life. I actually listened to someone’s advice; I knew that without her help and advice I couldn’t change my life.

Claire talked me into attending Alanon meetings with her, to help me cop with my mother’s alcoholism. Through the meetings I discovered I wasn’t alone, and I also found out what I was making my own children go through because of my own alcoholism. AA was the next step, to help me adjust my life and give me more facts on what to do to stop the madness. Claire also started me into reading the AA Big Book, and the Twelve Steps, which helped my success even more.

Claire was there with me every step of the way, to guide me, or just to give me moral support. The support was needed to through the hardest part of all, facing reality sober. Reality became a very frightening experience, I found myself wanting to use substitutes to forget, at the point in time it seemed easier. I had to face 14 years all at once, without Claire by my side I know I would not have ever made it through that part of the battle.

I know there is no way possible to ever repay Claire for her love, understanding, support, that she showed me during the darkness in my life, her strength to stand beside me and hold me up to pull me out of the darkness. I thank God that there are people in my life and in the world; I pray that there are more people out there like her. Claire saved my life and I owe her for that.

Remember Me.... Tribute to 911 and Love Ones Lost

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 13:09:07 -0400

Remember Me....

Tribute to 911 and the love ones we have lost.

Heat lightning flashed in the sky

Lit up the sky for an instant

So many miracles at work

A bee could make honey in its thorax

A bloom becomes a peach

Rain might someday fall

Seasons Changing

In the gray of the night

Will oneself to see the azure sky

The hoar frost on the grass

Crimson of the ripe apple

The gold maple leaves

Although one grieves for the lost loved ones

The souls that have left us behind

They inhabited our interior world

Which is at least as noisy

Various as real life itself

Value the gift of memory above all others

As we grow we carry a whole nation

Around inside of us

Places and ways that have disappeared

Believing that they are ours

We alone hold the torch for our past

We are as impenetrable as stone

Hold tight to those few things

That are forever gone

Always a part of us

While new life begins

The changing views, stream on

Find a balance between cherishing what was

And forging on

There are no miracles left

For the ones we've lost

They belong to the earth, sun, and sky

We want to look at beauty

Trying to see through their eyes

At the same time they are the air, the flowers

Perhaps even the moon

All we can do, the only act left

Is to look

Memory is a valuable gift

Held steadfast within us forever

Remember me....

You Gave That To Me

Thu, 14 Jul 2011 19:07:40 -0400

In the beginning

I couldn’t help but to think

We were brought together

For some Divine purpose

Still unknown to us today

Help one another to heal

Gain our hearts back

Like to believe

We achieved that

We can move forward

In our search for the

One in a million

Taking only

Fond memories

When they cross my mind

They will bring

A smile to my face

A peace to my heart

Even if our paths

Never cross again

There is a part of me

That wants to hold

Onto you forever

Can’t help but to think

That would be too easy

Loving someone else might

Diminish the memories

Though I have grieved over

What might have been

I am thankful

That you came into my life

Even if only for

A short period of time

It is possible to

Bounce back and move on

Without you even

Being aware you had done it

You made me believe

True love can not be denied

Where there is love,

There is hope

Love leaves us

With only one choice,

To forgive

You gave that to me

My Writings and Poetry were Stolen

Sun, 19 Jun 2011 11:06:27 -0400

I was messing around this morning, searching on the web for different things. I tried searching out poems, poetry, stories by fireeyes24, just for the fun of it.

All 3 searches brought other websites where someone else was using my OpenSalon screen name, fireeyes24. They were stating that they wrote the poetry that I have written and posted here on Open Salon.

I have emailed two websites so far about the problem. After I get home from my family dinner I will do more searching to make sure there are no more.

Since this has happened to me, and I don't want someone else making claim on what I write, I have to do something on my part to make sure it doesn't happen again.

I have used my screen name for safety reasons, because of the true stories that I write. Now I can either delete my blog or I can come out with my real name, along with fireeyes24.

Since I don't want to leave OS, I love this place and everyone in it. OS is also my outlet and has helped me a lot over the last 2 1/2 years..

I have no choice but to come forward with my real name to make sure others don't steal my work.

My name is Jackie S. Gordon.

I AM fireeyes24!!

I will add it to my blog screen name and all the copyrights I have on my written work.

Thank you

Have a great day

Love and hugs to you all.

Will be back on later. Sorry if any errors typing on my cell, as I am still workng on my laptop.

(I have fixed the post so there are spaces and not some huge mass of words. I do apologise to all of you who read it before I fixed it. I typed it on my cell phone. My laptop is up for now.. giggles.. holding breath)

Daddy Please Don't Go

Fri, 17 Jun 2011 17:06:22 -0400

I was 22 years old, when my mother decided to leave my father. She waited until he was out of town, for a week, and decided she was leaving him. I begged, and pleaded with her not to do it, I knew she was thinking harshly, and would regret her decisions later. I had just gone through a horrible divorce, and I knew I could not take care of her on my own without my dad, and take care of two babies. Both of my brothers were living out of town, so it was up to me to pack up everything, and move it all.

This didn’t make my dad happy one bit to come home to a totally empty house, after taking care of, and loving my mother for 26 years. He gave her everything she asked for, which most of the time was too much, he made sure she never had to work, and could stay home to raise the three of us kids. Why she was leaving, I had no clue, I think her mental illness just got the best of her, one reason that I knew I couldn’t care for her alone. He wasn’t abusive, she was the abusive one, and I still don’t know why he stayed all those years. It most have been the love that he had for her.

A month later I had ended up in the hospital for two weeks, because of kidney problems, which put me into financial problems. My mother told me that she had called my dad, and had asked him, if he would help me out. She told me that my dad said, he never wanted to see me again, and that he didn’t have a daughter, or two granddaughters. I was hurt, very devastated, and heartbroken. I couldn’t understand why my dad would say such a thing, and not want to ever see me, or talk to me again.

My dad was my hero growing up, he was the one who done all the hugging, kissing, and said all the “I love you”, and “I am proud of you.” I was daddy’s girl, everywhere he was I was. He had me fishing before I could walk, had me using a hammer before I was in kindergarten. We done everything together, from remodeling houses to working on cars, fishing, playing sports, and much more. My dad was the one who stayed up late at night, waiting for me to get home from going out, to talk about everything that happened that night.

I remember when I was three years old, I had gotten a new pair of red snow boots, I stood on the back porch and cried because I wanted to play in the snow, but I didn’t want to get my new boots wet. My daddy carried me around the yard, and kneeled down so he would be close to the ground so I could play in the snow. How could the one man who was never supposed to let me down, leave me behind, and never talk to me again.

How could he also disown his granddaughters, which he helped during the pregnancies, and the taking to the hospital? He adored those girls, he had them with him everywhere he was, when he was home. He gained more weight than I did, during the pregnancies. After the birth of my second daughter, the two of us joined a gym, to get back in shape. I never laughed so hard at my dad, than I did the time we both were doing aerobics. Talk about hilarious, I was so happy, that he wanted to be in the back of the room, because I could have pee my pants from laughing at him so hard.

I was so devastated, and lost without him in my life, I lost myself along the way somewhere, at some point in time. I had gotten into drugs, and drinking, just to wash away the pain, and hurt that I was feeling. With in two years I had became a single divorced mother of two babies, my mother’s soul care giver, and disowned by my daddy. How could I go from being, a spoiled daddy’s girl for 22years, too not having a daddy at all? I tried so hard to hide the hurt I was feeling so deep inside, I washed it away, and covered it up with all the alcohol and drugs that I could get my hands on. I lost a huge part of myself, and came close to losing my life, my girls, and everything I had. I was keeping everyone at a distance, hiding from the world.

After four years and my close call of losing everything, My Aunt Claire talked me into moving out of state, and staying with her, to get life back together again (that is a whole new post). So the girls and I moved, and we stayed with her for a few months. I quit drinking, drugs, and even cigarette cold turkey. It was not a fun thing to do, because the DTs were horrible, but I made it through it all.

We had started going to church with my aunt, and I had met a few new really great friends. One of the ladies at the church started doing bible studying with me. She came over to my aunt’s house on Thursday afternoons. My girls were at pre-school, my aunt’s kids were at school, my aunt was at work, so we had the house to ourselves, and wouldn’t be interrupted. One day we were sitting talking getting ready to do our study, we had always started it off with a prayer.

Linda asked me, “ If you could ask God for anything in the world to do for you. What would you ask for and why?”

Without even thinking about the answer to the question, I told her, “I would ask Him, to bring my daddy back into my life, because I miss him so much. He was my everything growing up, and I feel lost without him.”

I told her the story about everything that had happened and why I hadn’t talked to my daddy for five long hard years. Tears begin to come to my eyes, she gave me a huge hug, then we prayed, and went on to the bible study.

We were in the middle of the study when the phone rang. I told Linda, “I had better get that, it might be for Aunt Claire or one of her girls. I will be right back.”

I picked up the receiver and said, “Hello”.
A man’s voice came over the other end saying, “Hello! Baby is that you?”
My body started to shake, I was cover with Goosebumps, and I could hardly say a word. I then took a deep breath, and said, with a cracking voice, “Yes! Daddy it is me.”
Then the tears started flowing, like a ragging flood. I looked at Linda, and said, “God just answered my prayer, it is my daddy.”
My dad and I talked on the phone for a few minutes, then he had to go back to work.
He told me, “I have missed you, and I love you. Good-bye. I will call you later.”
We said our good-byes and got off the phone.

After this my dad and I got together, several times to see each other, and for him to see the girls. The three of us went down to his house, and stayed the weekend a few times. We were working things out and trying to make up for the entire long lost days, of the last five years. Of course my mother hated the fact that I was talking to him again, she thought it was a total betrayal on my part. That was okay, because she was already pissed at me, and not talking to me, because I had moved away from her.

I told my dad what my mother had told me, about him not wanting to speak to me, or see me again. He told me, that he didn’t say anything like that, and that my mother had told him, that I said I didn’t want to see him ever again. He said it broke his heart that his daddy’s girl would not want to talk to him. How could someone play such a cruel, horrible game on two people’s hearts and lives like that? I was so angry with my mother, for the hurt she had caused my dad, and myself. How could I forgive her for hurting me like no one has ever hurt me before, but I did find away to forgive her for all that.

The last twenty years, my dad and I have made sure that we spend as much time together as possible. Last year when I was living with him, we used to wake up early, have coffee and hot tea in the garage or back deck. Just talking about everything, and sometimes nothing at all. I think we both enjoyed that time together by ourselves. When I moved out he would call me at 5am to see what I was doing. I would laugh at him and tell him, sitting on the front porch, having hot tea, smoking and wondering what you are doing.

He has been there through so much for my girls, and myself. I don’t know what I would have done without him in my life the last 20 years. He always was my hero, and will be forever.