Frank K. Sonnenberg's Open Salon Blog

It's All About Me

Mon, 3 May 2010 08:05:18 -0400

Wow, do some people love themselves!

They’re enamored with their job title, infatuated by their social status, and obsessed with their worldly possessions. Unfortunately, some think these “conquests” give them the right to look down their nose at others, avoid saying please and thank you to “commoners,” and treat underlings worse than their pets. If you can believe it, these people won’t even pick up something they drop in a store, feeling that that’s the job of a “minion.”

Please don’t misunderstand . . . all successful people have earned the right to take satisfaction in their accomplishments, but not the right to be rude, inconsiderate, condescending, or selfish with others.

When these “me-obsessed” individuals burst in on a private conversation, push their way to the front of a line, or continually arrive late for appointments, they’re being just outright rude. There’s no excuse for throwing a tantrum to get their way, for “crying wolf” just to see how high their employees will jump or for letting their children run wild at a restaurant just because their family is “of means.”

From Bad to Worse

Unfortunately, many of these self-centered people suffer from a debilitating disease called Conscience Deficit Syndrome. That’s when the devil on their shoulder becomes hyperactive, and the angel on their other shoulder goes into hibernation.

The resulting behaviors range from rudeness to belittling people, culminating in an obsession with wealth that causes them to hoard everything in their path (even at the expense of others).

Some people should hang a neon sign over their head that screams, “Can’t you tell I’m important?” These people feed their self-worth by paying handsomely for first-class treatment, splurging on upscale brands, and wanting to be seen with the rich and famous. Others, with larger egos, make a “sport” of ridiculing people. They believe that their status (such as income level, title, or number of “toys”) gives them the right to squash others. They’re not satisfied merely with their achievements. Instead, they spend their waking hours boasting, “I’m important––you’re NOT.” They have private conversations with someone in the room while pretending others are invisible. They demand to be part of the decision-making process, then ignore timetables and still hold others accountable for deadlines. They expect others to jump to attention when they make requests, yet they can take weeks (if you’re lucky) to respond to requests that others make.

The Conscience Deficit Syndrome of some other self-centered people is even more troublesome. They’re not only inconsiderate and rude to others, they’re outright cruel. They make themselves feel good by making others feel bad. Why would they ream out a waitress because the restaurant ran out of their favorite dessert? What gives them the right to freak out at someone because that person took “their” space at the gym? What do they gain by making an example of someone in front of his or her colleagues?

With some, wealth and power start out as a goal and end up as an obsession. For them, too much is never enough. Their egos spiral so far out of control that self-worth becomes an addiction. They view themselves as indispensable and their contributions so priceless that they’re completely blinded by the damage and pain they inflict on others. For example, they spend endless hours negotiating obscene bonuses for themselves and then have the chutzpah to tell “valued” employees not to expect raises. Others negotiate fancy golden parachutes for themselves, yet fire employees at a moment’s notice.

While some people are so tone deaf that they don’t know this behavior is wrong, others simply don’t care. Some even attempt to justify this behavior by saying: “Hey it took me 35 years to make it to the top (my boss never made it easy for me).” “It took me years to get my Ph.D. (I paid my dues).” “Look, I make more money in a year than some make in a lifetime (that has to count for something).” The fact is, regardless of whether they’ve had terrible role models or worked their tail off to attain their accomplishments . . . rude behavior is still unjustifiable.

The cost of acting this way is significant. Like a twister, these me-obsessed individuals leave disaster in their path. And while colleagues, friends, and even family remain silent out of fear of reprisal, they often view these people with contempt and disgust. Moreover, as world travelers, they serve as horrific ambassadors for our country (the ugly American) and as terrible role models for society.

What kind of legacy do you think these egotists are leaving? Imagine the funeral of one of them. Speakers might cite the numerous talents and countless achievements of the deceased. Many in the audience, however, would be thinking how tragic it was that such a gifted person, one with so much potential, could have hurt so many people during a single life’s journey.

This, then, is the legacy these egotists leave behind: Sure, they make it to the top of their field, but often at the expense of others; they give freely to those in need, but expect their ego to be fed in return; they are always surrounded by friends who admire them more for their possessions than for what they stand for; and yes, they have a wonderful family, but they never have time to get to know them. In fact, when these egotists are around, do you think their children learn from a positive role model? Or sadly, are they much more likely to continue the family tradition?

Are You a Giver or a Taker?

You’re at a fork in the road. The path you take is your choice.

It’s not too late to wake up your angel. Will you make a difference in the lives of others?

Will your eulogy be: “You always made me feel special, you gave me the chance when I needed it most, you were an unbelievable role model, you changed my life”?

Or, is it “all about me”?

Linda Ellis may have said it best, in her poem, The Dash?

I read of a man who stood to speak

at the funeral of a friend.

He referred to the dates on her tombstone

from the beginning . . . to the end.

He noted that first came the date of her birth

and spoke of the following date with tears,

but he said what mattered most of all

was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time

that she spent alive on earth

and now only those who loved her

know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,

the cars. . . the house . . . the cash.

What matters is how we live and love

and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard;

are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left

that can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough

to consider what’s true and real

and always try to understand

the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger

and show appreciation more

and love the people in our lives

like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect

and more often wear a smile . . .

remembering that this special dash

might only last a while.

So when your eulogy is being read

with your life’s actions to rehash,

would you be proud of the things they say

about how you spent your dash?

© 2005 Linda Ellis. All rights reserved.http://www.thedash.net

© 2010 Frank K. Sonnenberg. All rights reserved.

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Make Networking Work for You

Tue, 5 Jan 2010 08:01:08 -0500

From "Notworking" to Networking

Looking for a job? Need some personal advice? Looking to make some new connections? Perhaps you should try networking. But consider networking only if you are prepared to help others first. Otherwise, your efforts will fall short.

Unfortunately, some take the position that “doing everything” is better than “doing less.” They treat networking like a game of bumper cars in which progress is measured by the number of people that they run into rather than the quality of the underlying relationships created. Simply put, handing out more business cards at a meeting or adding more friends to Facebook or Linkedin is “notworking.”

Others treat networking like a personal marketing campaign dedicated to spreading the word about themselves and their needs, while ignoring the needs of their peers. This “me-first thinking” not only will not work but is actually counterproductive.

Still other people join affinity groups merely for personal gain, but it doesn’t take long for people to learn that these folks are not givers, but takers. These “notworkers” don’t understand the importance of building long-lasting relationships; instead, they’ll reach out to others only when they need something. And then they’re surprised when their requests produce little.

Successful networking occurs when people come together based on mutual respect and common interests, then voluntarily provide support for others with no strings attached. They believe that by helping others, they’ll eventually end up helping themselves.

By Invitation Only

People seldom realize that the actual makeup of their networks (some based on close relationships, others derived from casual relationships) serves very different and important purposes. Understanding these differences is key to having a more productive network.

For example, when networking with “like people,” it’s easier to ask them what they would do if they were in your shoes –– they understand what makes you tick and they travel in similar circles. These close relationships, however, require additional time and effort, meaning that you can develop only so many strong ties.

On the other hand, people don’t expect the same level of time and effort in casual relationships. These relationships serve as bridges to a community of new people, offer greater objectivity, and may provide an entirely different perspective.

How to Make Networking Work?

To be part of a successful network, it’s important to follow a few basic rules.

1. Don’t wait until you desperately need a network to begin developing one (for example, looking for a new job). Networks are based on trust, respect, and personal chemistry –– that doesn’t happen overnight.

2. Join a social network or an industry or professional association to add structure to your professional relationships while expanding your network.

3. Know your personal strengths and the strengths of each member of your network. This information will come in very handy in helping others. (For example, who understands technology? Who knows something about buying a car? Who knows the inside scoop about applying to college? Who knows the most about New York City nightlife? Who has friends in high places? Who can comment on a resume? Who can advise on interviewing skills?) This will enable you to identify the best person in your network to help a friend.

4. If you join a group (such as a trade association), get involved rather than sitting on the sidelines. You receive only as much as you are willing to give.

5. Group get-togethers are not substitutes for one-on-one meetings. Large gatherings tend to have “fixed agendas,” making it difficult for members to open up personally. Furthermore, a few members may dominate discussions in large groups.

6. Networks expand and contract. Keep in touch with members of your network on a regular basis or you’ll drift apart. (Birthday and holiday greetings, or congratulatory notes, require only a few minutes of your time and will be remembered.)

7. Networking offers unbelievable potential. For example, in today’s tough job market, what do you think would be more effective –– blindly responding to available positions by sending out hundreds of resumes or getting an informal introduction from a colleague in your network? Take the time to nurture your network. It can change your life!

The Give and Take of Building Lasting Relationships

Make the first move in the relationship. Be a giver not a taker.
First, satisfy a request. . . then feel free to do more.
Only make promises you can deliver on. Managing expectations is key.
Like gift giving, give people what they want, not what you want them to have.
If you can’t fulfill a request, the next best alternative is to recommend someone from your network who can help.
Evaluate the reasonableness of your requests. (Never pressure someone who seems uncomfortable with a request you’ve made.)
Use people’s time wisely. Know what you want before making a request.
Be specific. If you’re vague, you may end up getting something that you don’t need or want.
Respect people’s priorities. They may have a lot on their plate. Be understanding if they can’t help you right away.
When someone introduces you to a colleague in their network, make them “look good.” Their reputation is on the line. Furthermore, keep your friend in the loop. Communicate your progress or the results that occur.
Never take someone’s good nature for granted; a thank-you is always required.

Networking Etiquette

Don’t keep score. Just because you performed a favor doesn’t guarantee one in return.
On the other hand, networking should be give-and-take to some extent. If you do too much for someone without accepting something in return, you’re implying that they don’t have anything to offer.
When you do someone a favor, don’t make a big deal out of it. Do it because you want to help, or don’t do it at all.
Don’t push yourself on people. They’ll ask for assistance if they need it.
Don’t show off by proving how much you know about a subject when a quick answer will suffice.
Make sure you are contacting people at a convenient time. (Some prefer to be contacted at work, others at home.)
Do not become too reliant on any one individual. You can destroy a relationship by taking advantage of someone’s good nature.
Be considerate when making requests of others. Don’t ask for sensitive information, be aware of the costs of your request –– in both time and money, and make sure your requests are ethical and reasonable.
When people come to you with problems they have labored over for weeks, don’t solve these problems for them in seconds. Doing so may make them feel inferior. Better yet, ask questions that help them solve the problems themselves.
When someone trusts you with sensitive information, maintain its privacy or be prepared to lose that person’s trust.
Do not judge other people’s requests. What might seem foolish to you may be important to them.

Those who are successful at networking will tell you that its potential is unlimited. It only stands to reason that the people who benefit most are the “givers” –– those who go all-out to help others –– rather than the “takers” –– those who are merely out for personal gain. The best networkers have learned that, as with anything in life, what goes around, comes around. How about you? Are you a networker, or a notworker?

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More blogs from Frank K Sonnenberg:

Integrity . . .Does Anybody Care?

Here's to the Unsung Heroes

25 Thoughts for the New Year

Tue, 1 Dec 2009 08:12:41 -0500

If you don’t pass your values onto your kids, someone else will.
You’d think we’d learn something from watching a hamster run around on its wheel.
Practice doesn’t make perfect if you’re doing it wrong.
Paradise is not a place; it’s a state of mind.
Fun shouldn’t be confused with happiness.
A homeless person wasn’t at one time.
If work isn’t fun, you’re not playing on the right team.
Trying to be excellent at everything leads to mediocrity.
Some people don’t communicate. They just take turns talking.
Everyone was put on this earth for a good reason . . . what’s yours?
When it comes to charity, some people stop at nothing.
Trust takes a long times to develop, but can be destroyed in seconds.
Anger is a loaded weapon . . . be careful where you point it.
Lessons in life will be repeated until they are learned.
Marrying for money is a high price to pay.
A great start doesn’t always guarantee a great finish.
It’s better to get called out swinging than called out on strikes.
Just because it say’s “URGENT” doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s important.
People often count their pennies yet squander their dollars.
Half a sandwich shared with a hungry person is more nourishing than the whole.
Helping people too much only makes them helpless.
Those who serve arrogance as their main course will eat humble pie for dessert.
Always give 110%. It’s the extra 10% that everyone remembers.
We teach children to color inside the lines, and then expect adults to think outside the box.
Live every day as if it were your last. One day it will be.

These twenty-five thoughts were excerpted from, It’s the Thought That Counts: Over 500 Thought-Provoking Lessons to Inspire a Richer Life by Frank K. Sonnenberg and Alan D. Hembrough. © 2009 Frank K. Sonnenberg. All rights reserved.

More blogs from Frank Sonnenberg:

Integrity . . .Does Anybody Care?

Thanks! (Now that wasn't so hard)

Here's to the Unsung Heroes

Mon, 9 Nov 2009 13:11:50 -0500

The successful executive, the famous comedian, the sports champion, the victorious politician have become the heroes of our fame-infatuated world. And to be sure, many of these high achievers deserve our congratulations and respect. But even as we honor our acknowledged heroes, aren’t we possibly forgetting something?

Overdue for a bow?

Isn’t it time to recognize the people who make all of this winning possible –– the “unsung heroes”?

How about the nurse who attends the patient, freeing the prominent surgeon to treat the next person in need? How about the football lineman who throws the crucial tackle, opening the way for the halfback’s touchdown run; the writer who toils into the wee hours developing the comedian’s hysterical monologue; or the campaign staffer who devises the crucial strategy that puts the politician over the top?

These are just some of the unsung heroes. Don’t forget the PR person who preps the executive before the key interview, or the proofreader who makes sure that all the i’s are dotted and the t’s crossed before the critical document goes to press. Often accepting a fraction of the compensation that their better-known counterparts are paid, unsung heroes frequently labor in obscurity with little recognition for their efforts. Their moment of fame may be simply a line on an organization chart or honorable mention in a management e-mail. Or, maybe, nothing at all.

While it’s true that many of these heroes shun the limelight out of humility or perceived risk, their true contributions are much too important to be overlooked or forgotten.

“If you want something done...”

Fortunately, every successful organization has numerous unsung heroes who keep moving it forward. You know who they are. They’re the first ones to volunteer for the jobs that nobody wants, the go-to people when the going gets tough, the individuals who take up the slack when others come up short, and the staffers who help their bosses look good.

It’s likely that they are also the people who turn the lights on in the morning and off at night, eating lunches at their desks, never missing a day’s work. And yes, we keep piling the work on even though they’re the busiest ones around. Our excuse? “If you want something done...give it to someone who’s busy.”

In fact, many unsung heroes are so good at what they do that we often take their capabilities for granted. Worse yet, sometimes we’re so busy calming down the people with the biggest egos, or those with the highest personal demands, that we may even forget that our unsung heroes are there. Tragic.

Typically, the unsung heroes don’t get their deserved credit because they live in the shadow of an individual. They don’t jockey for the glory, ask for the raise, or request the promotion because they’re just busy getting their job done. In fact, they come to work day in and day out, keeping their nose to the grindstone and helping the organization win –– and in the process, they often make other people look good.

Unsung heroes get promoted less often because they’re considered just too good at what they do and too valuable in their current role. And while we spend hours debating compensation for our execs, we are inclined to write our unsung heroes boilerplate performance reviews (only because it’s required), give everyone near-equal raises (regardless of performance), and then send everyone home, expecting them to be happy. Shortsighted indeed.

And, because our unsung heroes never cause “trouble” and are loyal to our cause, we don’t spend much time thinking about their needs. Why? We think they’ll never leave. Their willingness to stand by and “take it” convinces us that they have limited ambition or few other options. Risky.

Many times we realize their value only after they’re unavailable or when they resign. And then we add insult to injury by countering the offer of their new employer. Sad but true.

We rationalize. You can’t watch your team’s blocker when you’re running for the goal line. You can’t take your eye off the deadline to recognize the technician who kept your computer running. And it may even hurt your ego to admit that you needed their help. But if we don’t find a way to say “thanks,” we may lose the very people who help us win. What a shame.

Time for change

It’s about time that we acknowledge the critical importance of our unsung heroes. And although many of them would be pleased just for the recognition, we can’t stop there.

Take some time and find ways to show your unsung heroes that you care. If they are like you, chances are the same positive feedback and acknowledgment that make you feel appreciated, and motivate you to do your best are what they need as well. A special bonus, raise, or promotion couldn’t hurt either.

And, you never know . . . maybe they’ll stay with your organization for years to come and continue to make you look good.

Integrity . . . Does Anybody Care?

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:10:15 -0400

Like me, many Americans are awakened at night by anxiety: We’re worried about the future, whether we’ll have jobs tomorrow, whether our families are safe, how the deficit will affect our country’s global competitiveness, and about the world that we’re leaving to our children.

While health care, the deficit, nuclear proliferation, and the “great recession” are among the top issues of the day, trust between our leaders and the American people is surely the foremost issue of our times. How much time do politicians spend measuring their words, covering their behinds or plotting against the opposing party rather than doing the people’s work? It’s no wonder that these actions encourage cynicism, apathy, and anger among Americans.

If we can’t trust our elected officials to do what’s “right” for our country, then we have nothing on which to build a stable way of life. Trust is not an abstract, theoretical goal forever beyond our reach. Trust, honesty, and integrity make up the fabric that binds us together, separating an orderly, civilized society from total chaos and anarchy. Trust––or lack of it––is inherent in every action that we take and affects everything that we do. Now is the time to say ENOUGH with the self-serving behavior, the manufactured “truths,” and the perpetual discord! The longer things continue along the current path, the more these actions become “accepted behavior” rather than what they really are . . . outrageous!

Trust is not a slogan nor should it be “owned” by one party or political faction. Trust and integrity are at the heart of our political system and our society. They affect all Americans. The time has come to redefine “playing politics.”

My Hero. Teachers, clergy, and politicians are among those who serve as role models for our children. It only stands to reason that our kids emulate their behavior. Just as we protect our children’s safety through mandatory sentences for drug dealing in school zones, maybe a “mandatory sentence” should be required for unethical or unlawful activity by role models that clouds the morals and judgment of our children. We must demand more accountability from our public officials.

Tell the Whole Truth and Nothing But. During the first McCain run for the presidency, Americans were enamored with the notion of a truthful politician––The Straight Talk Express. Unfortunately, the “art of spin” crept into America’s lexicon in the 1990s. While a one-sided presentation of the facts “may” be acceptable, stretching the truth or outright lying is not.

Euphemisms masquerade the truth. Revenue enhancements are taxes; military assets are bombs; and collateral damage kills innocent civilians. How can politicians be trusted when they knowingly misrepresent or conceal the truth? Americans aren’t stupid. They respect those who prescribe bitter-tasting medicine if that is the treatment needed. When politicians dance around the truth (even in an insignificant way), they lose much more than votes. They lose personal credibility and the confidence of the American people, damaging the very institutions that they swear to serve.

All Men Are Created Equal. Discrimination is un-American. This applies to ethnicity, race, age, sexual preference, or gender. While there’s always one bad apple in a bunch, politicians must stop denigrating entire groups of people such as Democrats, Republicans, Conservatives, or Liberals to score points. When politicians vilify entire industries such as insurance companies, banks, healthcare providers, Wall Street, and attorneys, they open the door to other forms of discrimination.

It’s a Tough World. In today’s economy, American families sacrifice every day. With that in mind, the waste of taxpayer money, “pork,” is not simply distasteful, it’s nauseating. When banks and auto companies received bailout money from the public, Washington held them accountable for their actions. We should expect nothing less from our national and local elected officials.

A second form of waste consists of unnecessary bureaucracy, outdated programs, and inefficient operations that build up over the years. Before taking the “easy route” by cutting funding, raising taxes, or printing money, it’s time for politicians to look in their own backyard. Americans will be much more inclined to embrace government policies when they know politicians are good stewards of the taxpayers’ hard-earned money.

Do Me a Favor. Government jobs and contracts should be awarded solely based on value. In the private sector, doling out jobs based on personal gain or quid pro quo leads to immediate grounds for dismissal. When Americans ask themselves if their leaders are trustworthy, they don’t compare one politician to another; rather, they benchmark these leaders’ business practices against the private and not-for-profit sectors, which do not subscribe to these practices.

Do Unto Others. A day doesn’t go by without hearing about some politician being accused of adultery, corruption, tax evasion, bribery, etc. Party leaders should banish rather than cover up or excuse members of their party who do not live up to high moral and ethical standards. You are judged by the company you keep.

If It’s Good Enough for Us. People enter public service to make this a better world for our children. Unfortunately, it’s increasingly common for personal enrichment or a quest for power to become the driving factor. If politicians expect to be viewed as givers rather than takers, they must report all compensation and benefits in a transparent fashion, draft strict “conflict-of-interest” laws that prohibit lobbying of former colleagues, and strengthen disclosure rules to help prevent special-interest favors from subverting the public interest.

Pledge Your Allegiance. All of our leaders take an oath to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States. It needs no reminder that politicians are taking an oath to the country not to their party. Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way.

My hope is that a “real leader” will stand up and say ENOUGH! Every person can make a difference, both through his or her own actions and by demanding higher standards. Before you know it, politics will once again begin to attract people of integrity, and our country will embrace the critical importance of public service. The American dream will once again become the envy of the world, and the term “playing politics” will be something to strive for. Politicians will remember that they are Americans first, recall why they came to Washington and what it means to serve our country. It is only then that they will begin re-earning the trust and respect of the American people. Can you think of a better legacy?