HarleeGirl's Open Salon Blog

DogBlog: HuffPAOL Comes Calling

Tue, 10 May 2011 11:05:48 -0400

HuffPAOL

You, dear reader, have been clamoring to know where I was, well…

Dear HarleyGirl,

I have read your blog religiously for a while now. Your work is refreshingly simple, without pretense, free of self-congratulatory noise that afflicts so many in the avant-memoire camp. Animals writing is so now. That is why I had to contact you from vacation place in Kazakhstan to invite you to write for my new pub group HuffPAOL.

The pay is rather low at the outset. In fact, for the first 24 months, you pay me while we build your audience on my new interactive news-email megatronic Internet machine. For the low monthly fee of $159.99, I can put your work on a server that actually loads. And if it’s a dogcentric readership you seek, HarleyGirl, my built-in audience is crazy over dogs. In fact, in the early rounds of test marketing, our Darn Dog™ series tested better than Bristol Palin!

So, after two years or so, we’ll pay you, based on the size of your clickbase, and big, big, bucks will be yours, HarleyGirl. Who else has joined on, you ask? Big, big, names, HarleyGirl. Like Ashton Karcher, Chutney Spears and Dave Aggers. Don’t you think HarleyGirl would look perfect next to those names.

Oh, there is a slight technology start-up fees to load your jpeg, just $999. So please sign the lifetime contract enclosed, start the automatic bank feed, give us your mother’s maiden name, and we’re in business. I’m just thrilled to add you to our pack of writers, HarleyGirl, I really am!

Signed,

Aureole Huffingson,

HuffPAOL

Well, dear reader, you can see what a wonderful offer this is, offering my work on a server that actually loads, for only $999 and $159.99 a month. I have been faithfully submitting my work, including my series of behind-the-scenes dirt on Grooming With the Stars, only to find that my work has not actually appeared in online print. Instead, all I see at HuffPAOL is aggregator after aggregator—Dog Grooming with Kate Middleton, Bikini Mending with Pippi, but nothing from DogBlog. I got so bummed I slunk back here, but only until I can find a good online attorney…

Lurve,

Hgurl, HuffPAOL Writer for Life

DogBlog: Dogs on Ice

Fri, 29 Apr 2011 10:04:16 -0400

Flickr / Peteeenainet

Spring is, allegedly, here—the temperature is in the mid-40s; so I’ve decided to go on summer hours, writing three blogs a week. I took a road trip last week with the new Disney Dogs on Ice show. No, silly, I wasn’t skating; I was covering the event for Skating Dawg magazine. I love show business, I have ever since Bunny (my human packmate) took off for Hollywood and made it big. That she never took me is but a sidenote. I hold no grudges; I have dogs on ice.

The hospitality, the swarming media, SWAG bags with treats (who knew?), it’s all a blur as I lounge in my backyard dog palace reading Hollywood Dawg magazine and eating these seaweed-flavored treats that are surprisingly satisfying.

It all comes down to being somebody, doesn’t it? When I saw Sebrina the Scarlet Starlet (apparently a Greyhound!) circling in the pas de quatres paws with her partner Pilsner (Weinaramer) at the Bemidji Amphitheater I knew, we dogs are just doin’ it for ourselves. No more Westminster, no more walk the sissy walk, we’re on ice, and so is Disney—talk about genius in next-gen branding.

So, if ya want cutting edge, it’s dogs on skates!

Lurve,

Hgurl, Accredited Online Canine Skating Advocate

DogBlog: Repubs 2012—Romney Inches Ahead

Mon, 11 Apr 2011 13:04:02 -0400

Wow, he’s really tall.

Photo credit: ownsociety

Well, it’s April 2011, nigh time to predict the winner of the Republican nominee for president. It's Mitt Romney. Why? He’s the tallest.

I predict that Mitt Romney at 6’2”will tower over the competition, with the exception perhaps of Tim Pawlenty, who is also 6’2” but lacks name recognition and money.

The Donald Trump is also 6’2” but won’t run, as I explained here a couple of days ago, because he is afraid of germs.

In the women’s division, Palin trumps Bachmann, 5’5” to 4’11”, but, again, won’t run because she only wants Oprah’s job.

And yes, Romney trumps Bachmann because of the one foot rule.

Gingrich, at 6’0” and Huckabee at 5’11” don’t have the stuff it takes to be president and Haley Barbour has erased any web data about his height so I would peg him at just a tad taller than Bachmann.

Who wins in November? Sorry folks, say hi to President Romney; President Obama is 6’1”.

Lurve,

Hgurl, Accredited Online Juan Williams Political Analyst Fellow at the Center for New American Cosmetology

DogBlog: “We Outsourced Our Family Dog”

Fri, 8 Apr 2011 10:04:56 -0400

Happy Harry’s Canine Escort Service…

because your dog’s a money pit.

Dear HarleeGirl,

Just wanted to share a money-saving tip with you…

As the head of household trying to do the right thing in an era of limits, where every family must set an example for the government to follow, my family had cut extraneous expenses to the bone. We cut health insurance, we dropped the extended warranty on our 60” TV—the works.

That’s when we turned to the family dog.

Fluffy, our 7-year-old Rottweiler was a money pit. Vet bills, dog food, tags, it was all too much for us to handle and still have enough left over to gamble on weekends at the Pechanga Resort and Casino [paid placement].

So we outsourced her. Dropped her off at the shelter and contacted Happy Harry’s Canine Escort Service in Rancho Cucamonga [paid placement]. Now, three nights a week and alternate weekends we have Rex, an Alsatian Cash Hound in our home for the kids to enjoy for play sessions. When the visit is over, a van arrives and Rex is history. No muss no fuss. He hardly has time to crap on our yard! This way everyone is happy—and I really feel like we’re setting a good example for the kids. Why buy when you can outsource?

Just wanted to share the idea with your readers, many of whom are probably tired of their dogs anyway. (And hey, if the kids want a different breed, Rex is history we can get a Husky, Pekinese, or a Standard Poodle, they’ve got everything.)

Manny Tourds

Costa Mesa, CA

Dear Manny,

I’m sorry to hear that this vile practice has finally come to the dog world, Manny. It’s not the first I’ve heard of it though. I received an email recently from a guy named Gordon from Brazil who outsourced his wife. You are not him posing as Mr. Tourds are you?

No Lurve For You,

Hgurl, Accredited Online Advice Columnist

DogBlog: Guy Gets a Ride to Stickup from Mom

Thu, 7 Apr 2011 11:04:20 -0400

Hey, Angelo, next time just borrow the damn keys.

From the DogBlog Secondhand News Service:

“Hey Mom, can I get a ride to the store?” That’s presumably how the early-morning errand began for Angelo J. Palmieri and his mom, 47-year-old Cindy M. Willison, of St. Cloud, Florida. It ended in the back seat of a squad car after the police interrupted the getaway from the scene of a 4:00 a.m. Cumberland Farms convenience store armed robbery. (And you wonder why they call them convenience stores.)

Palmieri, an apparently impulsive 20-year-old with now-diminished prospects for future rides from mom attempted to flee the scene, leaving mom in a lurch, but was apprehended anyway and slapped with additional charges.

Meanwhile, just a few miles up the road, in Altamonte Springs, two men and a 15-year-old robbed a Kangaroo Express convenience store of cash, cigs, and lottery tix (try redeeming those babies, guys) with the aid of a getaway car driven by 22-year-old Bianca Henderson and her one-year-old baby.

Needless to say, they too were caught, though the one-year-old was not charged. Perhaps Cindy and Bianca can have a meet-up in the pokey to discuss alternate getaway strategies, or at least better childcare arrangements.

What is in the water down in Florida (other than marqarita mix and tequila) I wonder?

Lurve,

Hgurl, Accredited Online Secondhand News Correspondent