Implosion's Open Salon Blog

An Orthodox Epiphany, with Unnecessary Rite

Sat, 7 Jan 2012 18:01:39 -0500

I live in the watershed of a beautiful, 40-mile long glacial lake. Today was a sparkling, unseasonably warm day, so I drove up the lake to see if any interesting birds were lurking in a sheltering cove. There weren't, but the clear blue sky and reflecting water, the sunshine, the wind and hills around, and the estuary where the creek empties were worth the trip anyway. It was bare, brown, unadorned winter, but clear and blue, and simply lovely.

Earlier in the day a newly established Orthodox Christian church had traveled down to the lake shore to conduct a "Blessing of the Lake," I guess as part of Orthodox tradition around Epiphany. I know they mean well — and for god's sake, good will is the most important thing there is — but what incredible theological presumption! The lake doesn't need to be "blessed" by some well-meaning but fundamentally irrelevant human; the lake is inherently blessed, and a blessing to us fortunate enough to live here.

The lake has been there since the last glaciation retreated. When the lake was made, woolly mammoths and mastodons drank from the river that formed it. Birds have plotted their semi-annual migrations along its north-south axis for millennia, and indigenous Americans were at home here for nearly as long. But the earliest descendants of Europeans moved in only 220 years ago. So how can some Christian priest possibly confer benefit or holiness on this lake? Is a 12,000 year-old lake less conversant with the divine than a middle-aged American priest? How does a well-meaning fellow in fancy robes and a funny hat saying words and waving his hands add value, comfort, or meaning to nature?

It seems to me that if you live in relationship to a lake, you have only two choices: either you abuse and pollute it, or you respect and appreciate it, and try to take care of it. But the act of "blessing" the lake assumes that you have some authority or dominion over it, and that's both naive and arrogant.

The Orthodox congregation and priest may mean well, but they're fooling themselves; and unintentionally, insulting our lake. Better we should all spend a little time quietly enjoying it, and feeling ourselves blessed by its presence.

Undigging the Hole

Fri, 30 Dec 2011 13:12:49 -0500

Common sense says that when you’re in a hole, you should stop digging, but one of the hardest challenges of depression is the pervasive negativity which is part of it. For a depressed person, it is the most natural thing to feel pessimistic and to react negatively; and what’s worse, to have one’s mind dominated by obsessive iterations of sad, hurt, and bitter thoughts. Negative thoughts reinforce the unhappy mood, and mood worsens dangerously as thought and mood spiral down together. How much of this can I experience before I do some real damage?

So I’m trying to undig my hole. I try to stay reality-based, referencing the world outside my head for information more objective than my own feelings and treacherous thoughts. And this is a challenge for a person who’s become increasingly introverted with age.

Some people fighting depression can remind themselves of the good things in their lives, of their accomplishments or meaningful relationships. Since my life has been a series of disappointments and failures, I can’t do this: I have no accomplishments, I’m unemployed and nearly unemployable, and my few relationships are frustrating and unsatisfying. I can will myself to experience gratitude, but it is pretty thin stuff, and fleeting. Part of the hell of depression is that I can no longer feel love. (But I've always believed that real love is more of an activity than a feeling, anyway. Ergo, I should probably structure some kind of activity into my life that will reinforce love. Realistically speaking, I have no idea what that means, yet.)

My situation feels both existentially and emotionally bleak. Yet I am determined that I will spend this next New Year confronting my life-long existential dilemma while battling this damned foul mood which has been eating me alive.

One kind person has suggested that I develop a spiritual life. She’s lucky to have that ability: a spiritual life is real solace and strength for many people. But as I said, I try to stay reality-based, so I left spirituality behind decades ago after extended, close observation revealed no correlation between the physical world and the language employed by religious or spiritual people.

Instead, I’m making a few small plans, getting out my depression workbook, looking in the paper for an activity that could get me out of the house and that I might even, faintly, enjoy. Already today feels better than it did this morning.

Saving My Life: The Project Begins

Thu, 29 Dec 2011 17:12:50 -0500

I have been in serious despair for a long time. Today I sent the following email to a old friend, worthy of respect and trust, who just happens to be a life coach:

Hello, X. —

I hope you are well, and that 2011 was generally good for you. I am sorry to say that this email is going to be all about me, although I always wish the best for you, and have been pleased to see from your website, etc. that you seem to be doing well — although I know that may not be as uncomplicated as it might look.

I realize that this letter will be hard for you to read in places, and I ask your forgiveness for placing a rather large burden on you. I also trust that if it's too much for you we can find an alternative that works for us both.

As the subject line reads, I am and have been in a bad place for a long time, and am working to figure out the best next steps. A significant part of the problem is that I am clinically depressed or close to it — which is hardly news — but one difference is that I'm no longer taking anti-depressants, and am reluctant to consider a return to them, because I view my crisis mainly as an existential one: I had it before I was on medication and all the years I was on medication, and it still obtains. I am hoping you might be able to help with this existential crisis, or suggest a more appropriate resource. I've done therapy, done the drugs, and if anything the unresolved existential problem is worse because I'm older, massively disappointed with my how life has turned out, and now have so many fewer viable options than a younger person. Your website bio speaks of being a late-bloomer, but I'm wondering if there's any hope for someone who's a non-bloomer.

For a long time my life has been devoid of both meaning and pleasure, and I find myself thinking about suicide a great deal. This has been a source of deep distress, because I don't really want to die but I feel like I've hit a complete dead-end and can't see other options. So instead, I have come up with the vaguest sort of plan: I am taking the suicide option off the table for a year. Just doing that is a relief. And my plan is to devote 2012 to solving my existential crisis, one way or another.

So what I'm asking of you is help with a one year-long project, the goal of which is to find a purpose for my life. Is this a project which might fit into your life-coaching business? One of the first, smaller projects you might help me with is doing some cognitive self-therapy on managing my depression. I believe I have a workbook somewhere with that title, with exercises in it (e.g., monitoring one's moods, etc.), and I could use someone who could help me put those tools to regular use. And I'm inconsistent about following through with things.

I realize this is not a small request, and will understand if this is heavier lifting than you can undertake.

Thanks for your consideration, and best wishes for the New Year —

Implosion

I figure if this project doesn't work out, I can always kill myself in 2013, or the next year, or some year after that. But I've got to do this thing now or die. Part of my survival project will be blogging about it, which I've never done before, but I feel this will be important for the project for several reasons.

Are people who talk about suicide just looking for attention? Yup — and I'm sure the rest of them need it as much as I do.

And isn't everyone who blogs?