IshtarCT's Open Salon Blog

Depression? Apparently not.

Thu, 8 Jul 2010 08:07:33 -0400

Back in January ( I can't believe it was so long ago) I wrote a post on how I was slipping back into depression. Well, things only got worse after that. I was seriously considering asking for Electroshock Therapy or Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation - that's how desperate I was.

My therapist told me, "Get thee to thine psychiatrist!" (only using modern vernacular, of course).

So I went to my psychiatrist, not expecting much. Every antidepressant (SSRI, SNRI and tricyclic) I'd tried only worked for a few months (at most) and then I'd crash. Horribly.

She and I had a long talk about my history and she reviewed my past three years of drug use - the positives and the negatives and the pattern that had eventually emerged.

"You have atypical depression." she told me.

"I think you have Bipolar Depression." she added.

The funny thing is, I was relieved to hear that, almost happy in fact. Why? Because I felt like I'd thrown every single weapon in my arsenal at Major Depression and nothing worked long-term. No matter how much hard work I put in, prolonged episodes of deep depression always recurred.

Now, it seems, I've been battling the wrong foe. No wonder the drugs only worked for a short while. No wonder I kept slipping back into depression. I could also put some past experiences in context - episodes in my life where I acted impulsively, in ways that were out of character, taking risks I would never (in normal circumstances) take.

My medication was changed immediately. I am currently on Lamotragine and Seroquel. My daily dose of Lamotragine is being increased slowly, every two weeks. So far, I'm doing ok. I feel better than I did before. My only complaint is that the drugs make me very sleepy and I'm finding it almost impossible to get up early in the morning, no matter how early I go to sleep the night before. But even that is slowly improving so I look forward to losing the "zombie effect" sometime soon.

For the first time in a long time the light at the end of the tunnel is not that of an oncoming train. I know that Bipolar Disorder has its own set of challenges but now I have hope. The next few months will test my nerves. I know I'll worry that after a few good months I'll crash again. But I also have other options now and that is a good thing.

Thank you to all who made the time and took the effort to write me encouraging messages. I really appreciated everything you wrote. Let's hope that from now on I can write about how my life has improved. That, and my thoughts on the Football World Cup in South Africa. :-)

I think my subconscious is in love

Wed, 10 Feb 2010 03:02:24 -0500

Last night I dreamt that I bumped into an old flame. It was one of those vivid dreams where everything feels so real and intense.

When I saw him I felt a rush of longing and love. We embraced, the kind of hug where you never want to let go of the other person. The feeling was obviously mutual and the words tumbled out - we loved each other, we missed each other, we never wanted to be apart again.

So here's the puzzling thing, over the years I've had this kind of dream about him several times. What's even stranger is that before I met him, I had a dream where I met The One and he looked a lot like my ex-lover.

In my dreams, being with him feels like I'm with the person who completes me. Being parted from him is painful and not just emotionally. Yet, in real life we were never in love, though we did have an intensely emotional relationship for a while. We parted as friends and kept in sporadic contact for a few years but I haven't spoken to him in a long time. I rarely think of him and I certainly don't miss him or think of him as my lost love.

However, my dream self appears to be madly in love with this man. I only have this kind of dream about him (apart from that one time I dreamt about Robert de Niro).

I wonder if anyone else has dreams like this that focus on a specific person.

Depressed again...I'm so tired of this

Mon, 11 Jan 2010 08:01:04 -0500

I seem to be sinking into another bout of depression. I've struggled for years to make peace with having depression; the idea being that if I accepted it I could find a way to manage it. But I'm not managing it. Oh there are times I feel great, in control and able to see all that is positive in my life but...now is not one of those times. Now I simply feel beaten down.

Medication, therapy, positive thoughts...none of it is working now. I'm low. Really low. And sinking. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being depressed. I'm tired of feeling tired. I want to curl up in a ball and shut the world out. I don't want to hear another voice. I don't want to smile and pretend everything's ok.

And I'm scared. Because it's at times like this that I think of how much better it would be if I simply stopped living. I wouldn't have to work so damn hard just to feel like a human being. I wouldn't have to cope with being with people and all the pretending..."I'm fine! I'm great! No complaints!". What else can I tell them? The truth? What could they do with the truth? Nothing. There's nothing they can do. I've battled the darkness all my life and I haven't yet figured out a way to defeat it so how could anyone else? This is my demon. I have to exorcise it.

I hate feeling this way. I really do. I work so hard to make positive changes, better choices, be more optimistic. You have no idea how hard I work at it. Yet, no matter how hard I try, my fucked-up brain always turns on me.

I really don't want to go into full-on woe is me mode but I guess that is inevitable when I'm in a depressed state. I don't feel like a nice, reasonable person. I feel like an apathetic, angry old cow. Yeah, yeah, I know that anger and apathy aren't exactly bedfellows but this is how I get when I'm depressed...angry at everything and everyone but too apathetic to actually do anything about it. There's a bitter humour in that.

So. What do I do now? What I always do, I guess. I stick it out. I try and try and try some more. And hope desperately that the good days will reappear sometime soon, so that I can once again look at the world in all its Technicolor glory.

Speaking up for what I believe in

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 03:12:47 -0500

I just did something that scares the crap out of me.

I received an email lauding Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County and recommending that we South Africans emulate his example. Everything I've ever read about Joe Arpaio makes me believe that the man is a monster. The thought of emulating him literally makes me feel sick.

I am very wary of bringing politics into the workplace, especially as I work in local government - in itself a hotbed of politicking. Usually when I receive emails like this I swallow my distaste and hit the Delete key without responding. Sometimes I'll respond to the people I know but I've never done a Reply to All. Especially not at work.

Today that's just what I did. This is what I wrote:

Unfortunately Joe Arpaio is not the man this article claims him to be. I’ve read quite extensively about him and he is, in my opinion, a monster. He’s responsible for numerous human rights violations and several people have died because of him – he denies medical treatment (even to pregnant women going through labour – one woman’s baby died), the food served to inmates and awaiting trial prisoners is not fit for animals to eat, never mind human beings. He has cost Maricopa County (and by extension, the state of Arizona) millions of dollars in lawsuits. He’s known to use intimidation and threats against people who run against him for the post of sheriff of Maricopa County. Not to mention the fact that he is a racist who focuses his brutal tactics on people of colour – Blacks, Native Americans and Latinos. I don’t mean to be a pain about this but I’d feel like a coward if I didn’t say something. I believe that people like Joe Arpaio are not the examples we want to emulate. We are much better than that. Treating other people worse than animals does not make us better human beings – it only robs us of our humanity.

Was I right to do this? Should I have ignored the original email? Was I being all nit-picky and self-righteous? And how do I stop feeling scared about exposing my thoughts and opinions to a group of people I work with, some of whom I don't know particularly well?

Cape Town: a high definition view

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 02:12:07 -0500

I received an email this morning with a link to a high-definition picture of Cape Town. I was blown away by what I saw. Please take a moment to see for yourself what Cape Town - the city I love with a passion - looks like.

I can actually see my flat when I zoom in!

The name of the site is Virtual Africa and the direct link to the Cape Town picture is here.