JTDTheGarlic's Open Salon Blog

Breaking ... Obama To Launch "Clunkers For Nukes"

Wed, 14 Apr 2010 11:04:45 -0400

In a bombshell announcement this morning, President Obama, following up on his successful Nuclear Security Summit, said that an agreement was reached last evening with the other participating 47 countries, and a new "Clunkers for Nukes" program will be launched.

"Legitimate governments, rogue players, terrorists, they're all eligible to turn in their nuclear weapons, or materials, and have their choice of a pre-owned automobile," stated White House spokesman Robert Gibbs, at an unscheduled briefing this morning.

"We have an overstock situation," said Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood.

"We're swimming in used cars ... We lost count, we have so many."

Last year, the Obama Administration instituted a "Cash for Clunkers" program, in an effort to stimulate the economy, and, according to administration officials, was quite successful.

Gibbs further explained, that the "Clunkers for Nukes" program will be scaled, in favor of the client.

"We're offering one car, for every ten-pounds of nuclear material, be it simple, unaltered plutonium, or enhanced, weapons-grade plutonium. It's projected, some potential clients could walk away with three, four, possibly even, five cars with their trade-in."

Gibbs would neither confirm, or deny, that President Obama, in a Rose Garden ceremony, would, symbolically trade in an two old American nuclear warheads, for cars that would be saved for his daughters, when they reach the appropriate age.

News of the "Clunkers for Nukes" program reached the Middle East, as Al Jeezera is reporting that Osama bin Laden is planning on releasing a new audio tape, indicating he is looking for a 1965 Cadillac, and may reach out to U.S. officials.

Bonus Riffs

Top Ten Cloves: Great Things About Obama Taking Over General Motors

What's Good For Tesla Motors ...

Retro Garlic: Is Chrysler Now Adopting The HuffPo Business Plan?

(Cross Posted at The Garlic)

Possible Reasons Tiger Woods Is Coming Back To Golf

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 12:03:37 -0400

Top Ten Cloves: Possible Reasons Tiger Woods Is Coming Back To Golf In The Masters

News Item: Major decision: Woods will play Masters

10. Still trying to verify announcement; Woods might be messed up by the early Daylight Savings Time

9. Augusta is one city that he doesn't have a mistress in?

8. Topeka, Kansas said they would diss Google, and name themselves Tiger Woods if he came back

7. Looking to crack, get referenced, in that "shitmydadsays" thing

6. Announcement in error; Tiger just was getting early start on his St. Patrick's Day celebrating

5. Needs a new green sport coat, since wife Elin took a scissors to all his others

4. It's a result of a compromise with Britt Hume

3. Was just waiting until Jay Leno went back to 11:30

2. It was either The Masters, or The Marriage Ref

1. Eric Massa tickled him until he agreed to come back to golf in The Masters

(Cross Posted at The Garlic)

Retro Garlic: Hey, We Had That Idea First!

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 12:03:46 -0400

This isn't the first time a news event has converged with something we had here on The Garlic, and, we love it, everytime it happens.

Today's installment is a doozy!

Could Airborne Bears Catch Bin Laden?

Could parachute-wearing bears sniff out Osama bin Laden?

That's one suggestion the Pentagon has received from someone who noted, quite correctly, that a bear's sense of smell is much more powerful than a bloodhound's.

"Overnight, Parachute some bears into areas [bin Laden] might be," the innovator wrote. "Attempt to train bears to take off parachutes after landing, or use parachutes that self-destruct after landing."

The bears-in-the-air idea, and scores of others, came from people who clicked on the "contact us" button on the Defense Department's Web site, which allows the general public to ask questions or make suggestions.

Not that the Pentagon needs any particular help in the idea department. Not long ago, for example, the agency spent $2 million to find out whether honey bees could be relied upon to sniff out roadside bombs.

Go check out the article, as there is more off-the-wall suggestions.

And, we should note, perhaps, inadvertently, the Pentagon let out a clue to a long-standing problem.

There were experimenting with honeybees?

Ah, yes, The Retro Part;

Developing Story - Polar Bears Added To Iraq Options ...Bush Administration Wavering On Polar Bears; Considering Employing In Iraq, War Against Terror ...Rove Claims He Also Has “The Science”, Says Bears “Will Do Fine In Desert Heat”

Bonus Riffs

Andrew Sullivan: Colbert Bait

Balk, at The Awl: Send In The Ursine Parachute Brigade!

Breaking News! ... With DisneyBaghdad, Bush Says “Nobody Wins Hearts and Minds Better Than Disney ...Disney, With Secret Contract, Working With White House, Military On Building Baghdad Moats ...‘Pirates of the Caliphate’, Other Attractions To Mask Security Measures; State Dept. Touts “DisneyBaghdad Will Pay For Itself”

(Cross Posted at The Garlic)

Well ... There's THAT Part of The Legacy, Too ...

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 16:08:42 -0400

If almost right on cue.

In the waning, dull, Dog Days of August, and, somewhat ironically, in the middle of the molten hot Healthcare battle, Senator Ted Kennedy has passed away, ending his fight against brain cancer.

There'll be lots of paychecks and other perks, to interrupt the vacations of the masses of babbling heads, to rush into the nearest cable studio (or, if they are heavy-duty talking heads, they might have the weight to do a remote) and start blathering away, from the headline stories, to insider anecdotes, ending, of course, with whispers during the wall-to-wall coverage of the upcoming funeral.

Local news here in Boston will even surpass all that.

Yes, he was the "Liberal Lion", and did a lot of good things during his time in the Senate (perhaps SCHIPS, and burying Bork among the top).

But one thing won't get mentioned, or, if it does, ever so briefly, a blink, and then, used as a launching point to herald some tale of pulling himself off the floor and rising to great heights.

We speak, of, naturally, Chappaquiddick, and the unfortunate death of Mary Jo Kopechne.

And that brings us to one of the greatest satires in history, run by the National Lampoon, back in 1972.

Riffing off a Volkswagen ad of that time, they put this out there;

From Wikipedia;

The case resulted in much satire of Kennedy, including a National Lampoon page showing a floating Volkswagen Beetle with the remark that Kennedy would have been elected president had he been driving a Beetle that night; this satire resulted in legal action by Volkswagen, claiming unauthorized use of its trademark.

(You can go HERE, to see both, the original VW ad, and the satirical one)

In todays' corporate-owned media, I don't know if there is a publication out there that would have the balls to do something like that today.

Bonus Links

Senator Kennedy from Cindy Sheehan

Jack Newfield: The Senate's Fighting Liberal

Martin F. Nolan: Kennedy dead at 77 ...Liberal lion of the Senate, symbol of family dynasty succumbs to brain cancer

Joan Walsh: Ted Kennedy's last battle

And, a "Must-Read", from Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, over on The Moderate Voice;

Ted Kennedy and Mary Jo Kopechne

(Cross Posted at The Garlic)

Trig In 2012!

Sat, 8 Aug 2009 22:08:09 -0400

Remember, one of the reasons The Wasilla Whiz Kid bailed out of her job, was that the Lefty Communist Socialist Media was picking on her children, and, that they needed to "quit makin' things up".

John Amato, over on Crooks and Liars, hits it good;

Sarah Palin says Obama's health care will kill her Down Syndrome baby

I've heard a lot of disgusting stuff coming out of the mouths of the Zombie Plumbers, but Sarah Palin has become the Zombie Queen with this one. She sure likes her FaceBook page.

The Democrats promise that a government health care system will reduce the cost of health care, but as the economist Thomas Sowell has pointed out, government health care will not reduce the cost; it will simply refuse to pay the cost. And who will suffer the most when they ration care? The sick, the elderly, and the disabled, of course. The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s “death panel” so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their “level of productivity in society,” whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil.

Okay, here's what is going to come down;

The PartyofNoicans (what is left of them, after the great 2011 ethnic-style-cleansing by Michelle Malkin's, Glen Beck's, and Sean Hannity's Flying Monkeys - or maybe, just Chuck Norris) nominate Trig in 2012 (They will ignore, and relentlessly beat down anyone who complains, the 35-year-old minimum age), who chooses his mother as running mate ... Trig wins in a landslide (thanks to the armed patrols of Limbaugh, O'Reilly and Beck listeners, supported by the Arizona Minutemen, ringing the polling sites) and the first order of business is to pass legislation, making it a Federal Crime to mention him, or any of his brothers and sisters, punishable by instant death (Malkin, Beck, all of Faux News, Little Billy Kristol and NR, Townhall, Hugh Hewitt and the Cheeseburger That Sweats [h/t Barry Crimmins] are all grandfathered in as exemptions).

Trig then resigns (tests later show, it's in the DNA), handing the reigns over to Ms. Ya'Bet'cha, who picks Michelle Bachmann for VP, and we begin the 2+-year purge of all the Communists and Socialists in Congress, and, the entire deficit is wiped out by selling all our borders to Lou Dobbs..

The First Amendment is tossed away, and the 2nd Amendment, with loads of revisions, becomes the 1st Amendment.

Remarkably, Palin sits for the eight-years, and is succeeded, not by Bachmann, but by Governor Gaucho's new Argentinian wife (the Birthers shift gears, and produce thousands of birth certificates to show Maria Belen Chapur was born in the USA)

Any Independent, or Democrat (and some moderate Republicans), that haven't been killed off, are exiled, and shipped to France.

Oh yeah, and Freedom Fries are brought back.

(Cross Posted at The Garlic)