Julianne Chatelain's Open Salon Blog

Why people give money

Wed, 18 May 2011 05:05:18 -0400

In a group discussion, I was bragging. "I know why people give money!" I said. Angel called my bluff with a friendly smile. "So, why do people give money?" he asked. I tried to give him the bullet points, but I am better at writing than talking...

Angel, this is for you and everyone else at my new church. It is based on my years of experience asking for money (and giving money). I am only sorry I waited a year to post it.

In my experience, people give money because they have money, their relationship with their money is healthy, we ask for the money for projects that express their values, and they trust us to use it responsibly. If there are shortfalls in any of these areas, the money does not flow. Fixes are not quick, but they are worth making, because they bring results. I'd be very interested in any reader's thoughts and reactions below. And now for the long version.

People give money because:

(1) We are in contact with them, and (2) they have money. Our church doesn't have quite enough members of working age who have jobs. Too many of us are almost flat broke; some of us are worse than that (in debt or homeless or both). [Actually I think it's wonderful that so many of our regular attendees are exactly who Jesus would be spending time with, if He were present on earth right now. Some of us also have lots in common with the people he spent the most time with back then.]

Where was I? We are living during a societal shift (let's not get into the causes right now); most of the old-style jobs will never come back, many of us are living on back yard produce, and more of us will have to start doing that. I love the members we have now, but one crucial step towards financial health would be recruiting more members, including some who have sources of income.

And of course, if we look at the new members solely as money-bringers, they will sense this and rightly turn their backs. We have to open ourselves as a community for all the real reasons that a church recruits new people: we are trying to be the body of Christ in the world and (a) that is great fun, and (b) we welcome more hands, feet, internal organs...brains...and all the rest.

If the church as a whole is healthy, financial health usually follows. In other words, focusing on overall health is the patience-requiring but effective way to address this. (In saying this I am not disrespecting short term measures for getting the electric bill paid.)

(3) Their relationship with money is healthy, or in the process of healing. Money is a tool: for tracking, for expressing our values. A person who is (mentally) financially healthy will have grappled with both its technical aspects and the related emotions enough to have control over his or her money, instead of (through lack of effort or ignorance) giving over control to money.

And health involves not worshipping money or those who have it. (Yes, our society worships money: we lower our voice reverently when we speak of it, and we believe those who have a lot are somehow blessed and worthy of special respect, just for that reason. I ranted at length about this in Veritas Reconsidered [Sept 1986, not online] but that's the gist.) In fact the money madness of Western culture is an opportunity for mission: Jesus' teachings about money offer a radical and transformative antidote to money madness, and we can use them to support each other in healing. They can help us find the balance: taking money seriously, but not too seriously, and using it to be salt and light to the world.

Another way to tackle these tricky issues would be to work through this book (thank you Mary Caulfield for the rec) using its study guide; it looks as if it's got good material on spiritual poverty, actual poverty and what suffering communities can learn from each other.

People raised in gratitude-focused and/or tithing traditions may already be "cheerful givers" who enjoy giving money as the creative act that it can be. For people who are still in pain around this issue, we've recently offered several small groups related to healing individuals' relationship with money, and I'm surprised there wasn't more interest in them. Perhaps a group for job seekers would draw more people...in other words we'd be starting with #2...

(4) The things we are going to do with the money express their values. The church has to be visibly doing good things that people want to support, or in my favourite language, projects that they want to participate in or be partners with. [Our church is doing many things that I believe in; with more money we could do many more of them.]

(5) They trust us to be responsible with the money. Transparency and good stewardship are most effective when they're practiced year-round.

Our church has easy-to-understand budget and income graphs right in the bulletin every week, and the leadership makes it clear that each penny is prayerfully spent, and Board meetings are open to all.

In a sad counter-example, I once lived in a town (with Town Meeting governance) where the voters absolutely did not trust the school board. After several public examples of mis-management and waste, the voters were unwilling to vote much-needed funds even when the schools were really hurting; the town had all the pieces working except this #5. Also, public leadership quarrels and "scandals" cut way down on pledges...

(6) We ask them (in effective ways). It's surprising how often people (or institutions) in need of money fail to ask, or fail to be clear and specific when they do ask. When you hire a professional fundraiser this is the first thing s/he will check: do people know what you need?

Again, here I think my church is doing a superb job...almost all the time. Every now and then an individual introducing the offering plate will use language ("should" etc) that sounds like a guilt trip, or a demand, and I know from both professional and personal experience that attempting to call upon guilt has the opposite effect (at least in the American context). There's an art to asking rather than demanding...and the results are worth the effort.

My two favourite sets of tools for making specific requests are those from the ~~schools of~~ movements launched by Cialdini and Rosenberg, and I could go on about both of them at length, but this is already pretty long. I am proud of my direct mail appeals, but there are many useful gurus who can take you farther than I can; this week I've enjoyed the advice of Susan Rich and Dean Rieck.

Summing up. A year has gone by since Angel asked me this question. What I wanted to tell him at the time is, people give money because:

(1) We are in contact with them.

(2) They have money.

(3) Their relationship with money is healthy, or in the process of healing.

(4) The things we are going to do with the money express their values.

(5) They trust us to be responsible with the money.

(6) We ask them (in effective ways).

It is time for me to start saying "we" (of my new church), so I think "we" are doing a terrific job of #4, #5, and #6. Areas where "we" have room for improvement are #1 and #2 - it would be great to have more members with some regular income - and #3 - we could be even more of an oasis of sanity for our members in a culture of money madness. The stewardship leaders are asking people to pitch in and I will try to volunteer in those areas. If any readers have suggestions from their own churchs or other nonprofits, or suggestions of issues I've overlooked, if they would be willing to share them below, I would be grateful.

Your sister in you-know-who,

Julianne

And now for the booklist (just in case you didn't follow all of the Powells' links above). As tools most of these books are constantly being updated, so you have a choice between very low cost (anyone-can-afford-them) used older copies that will still blow your mind, or the most recent updated paperback versions translated into many different languages.

Brezsny, Rob. Pronoia Is The Antidote For Paranoia: How The Whole World Is Conspiring To Shower You With Blessings. [For those of you old enough to remember "realastrology": this is even better.]

Cialdini, Robert. Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion. [Valuable because he not only explains the tools but also explains how to counter their unethical use. If you only read one section, try the one where he calls on the findings of "bystander studies" after he and his wife have a fairly serious car accident.]

Corbett, Steve, and Fikkert, Brian. When Helping Hurts: How To Alleviate Poverty Without Hurting The Poor...and Yourself. [The latest info is at whenhelpinghurts.org. Introduction by John Perkins.]

Ellul, Jacques. Money and Power. [I am partial to the Inter-Varsity paperback with David Gill's introduction and LaVonne Neff's lively translation from the original French. Lots of great stuff about "money" as a "power" - and how to profane it.]

Henderson, Hazel. [Too many books to list just one; see HazelHenderson.com]

Leu, Lucy. Nonviolent Communication Companion Workbook: A Practical Guide for Individual, Group, or Classroom Study. [Latest edition available from CNVC.org. These modules were tested in prisons and they are terrific for leaderless groups.]

Robin, Vicki, Dominguez, Joe, and Tilford, Monique. Your Money Or Your Life: 9 Steps to Transforming Your Relationships With Money and Achieving Financial Independence

Rosenberg, Marshall. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life. [Latest edition available from CNVC.org. This is the book that Lucy Leu (above) is taking people through, so buy them together.]

Unsolicited advice: the series

Fri, 6 May 2011 18:05:58 -0400

Flannery O'Connor once remarked that anyone who gives advice should spend 40 days in the desert both before and after. I agree, Miss O'Connor: it's soooo dangerous and tricky.

And yet in the past two days I've ranted uncontrollably to two different friends - on this blog! (Most of my readers are not from OS but from my RL.) Two of my go-to pals, who help me with music and fashion and in many other ways, are in pain. They don't need their computers fixed (my only other skill). Like so much writing, maybe the only thing these posts accomplished was to make me feel better, at least temporarily.

In case this turns into a series, I'll post the links (and accept comments - especially those nice ones offering me cheap watches and Viagra) here as I add them.

May 5th: Don't wipe out your journal

May 6th: Don't bleed in the water

In the 70s and 80s I was more careful; there were only two pieces of advice, from all the wisdom available in the universe, that I felt comfortable passing on. They're still helpful:

Don't jaywalk in front of a cab (or a car with Jersey plates headed for the tunnel)
Don't get involved with anyone who thinks D. H. Lawrence's Women in Love is "the best book ever written" (and wants to live out some of the scenes with you, I later realized was the problem)

Ciao,

Julianne

Don't bleed in the water

Fri, 6 May 2011 18:05:44 -0400

Mean people and sharks: both are excited by the smell, sight, and taste of blood. Your blood!

When a shark nips you gently - or a human says the first mean thing - the safest thing to do is pretend to laugh it off and then ignore the attacker. (If they actually drew blood, just lift that body part out of the water for a few hours until the open wound scabs over.) The first step: don't let them realize they actually got to you.

If you feel like it, you can reply lightly, "Fortunately I wasn't trying to please you, otherwise I'd be soooo hurt and devastated."

For bonus points, use compassionate communication to figure out what's really bugging them and go there. Empathizing with enemies (if you can dig up the genuine energy for that - requires lots of sleep, multivitamins, etc.) is the bravest thing a person can do, and it totally works. Usually freaks them right out. And it'll meet your need for adventure, no lie.

Either way, you're addressing the situation and moving on.

All the things that I do NOT recommend are things that let them know they really got to you - in the moment or later on. Definitely don't bleed on Facebook afterwards so that everyone who wasn't there can get all excited by the blood and call for other sharks to join the attack and then everyone starts biting and you can't kill all 0f them with just your teeth. (Even if you could, then you'd be lonely. So...)

In the shark tank, deal with the bumps and bites one by one. Ignoring them if you can, pushing back if you feel like it, but keeping your blood out of the water. The sharks will move on, looking for easier prey.

(I'm happy to try to teach compassionate communication skills, any time. As long as you don't expect me to be perfect, because I'm still learning myself. The web site reads like it's all sweetness and light, but in fact, the basic skill of self-empathy - figuring out what you are feeling and needing so you can be fully present in interactions - is super helpful in dealing with both sharks and people when they circle you and start to bite.)

Don't wipe out your journal

Thu, 5 May 2011 01:05:11 -0400

I read that you're planning to delete your journal this weekend. I ask you, I beg you, to reconsider.

Your journal represents countless hours of thoughtful writing, unique photography, and serendipitous connection. When you go to other cities people recognize you by its name. It's a precious brand you have created and nurtured. I know from personal experience that you will read in amazement and gratitude, many years from now, to see how wise and young and brave your younger self was. As long as you can access the files...

I can see that you have been hatefully and repeatedly attacked by two people with too little content in their own lives and too many bored hours on their hands. They are trying to trick you into into hurting yourself. Do not play their game. Just as with spammers, every time you respond in any way, it only encourages them.

It could be (it has been) argued that I have mental problems. Yes, well, they help me to see this even more clearly. From the land of the not always functional, here's the truth: the #1 way to get even, to get back at the unstable haters, is to ignore them. The ONE thing they cannot stand is to be overlooked as the unable-to-create-anything-themselves worms they are. If you're in the mood to delete, wipe out all recent references to the haters. Pretend they never existed. But don't erase all your own beautiful history.

Remember when Oscar's boyfriend's father called him hateful names? If he had ignored the haters, how much longer a life he might have had - and how much more he could have written! But no. He had every right to feel hurt, but in his hurt and anger he started a lawsuit, and because of the lawsuit he went to prison, which broke his health, and you know the sad story better than I do. We honor him. We can learn from his example, to rise above the hate.

Erase the evidence of hate if you want, but leave the journal up.

Acts of the Apostles / Blog Tour de Force

Sun, 17 Apr 2011 20:04:07 -0400

You are cordially invited to an online party for John Sundman's novel Acts of the Apostles and nine other competitors: the current Blog Tour de Force (#blogtourdeforce) sponsored by the Indie Book Collective. To support John and Acts (doesn't that sounds New Testamenty? just in time for Easter week!) in their "cage match", visit John's blog on wetmachine on Wednesday April 20th and leave a comment. The book whose author's blog gets the most comments wins the daily contest.

There are prizes for us readers as well, but I am posting because I have a major crush on John's second book, Cheap Complex Devices (if you're willing to leave Open, here's the long version) and so John's better-known thriller Acts of the Apostles is for me the hot, toned older brother (whom I have only just met) of the androgynous and evanescent apparition who has tormented my dreams for so long. I'm hoping that he'll put in a good word for me with ~~his sister, or brother, or~~ whatever CCD is (probably non human, if you want the truth).

A few bytes of non-spoilery info about Acts of the Apostles:

1. In science fiction, the plot is the thing: extrapolating from what is known, making intelligent guesses about science of the near future, and stirring the whole into an intoxicating cocktail is the indispensible skill. If you value that skill, you will like the fact that the science is at the center of Acts, and to quote one of its characters in another context, "Even the boring parts were interesting."

2. ~~The knock on some of the classic "novels of ideas" is that they tend to have wooden characters; should I discuss Asimov or Rand here~~ During my first reading I was unable to tell the heroes from the villains, but I also appreciated the nuanced characters who caused the difficulty. John shows how science is done, but also why people do science.

The foreground characters interact in, to quote John Jurek's review, "a bold ethical statement about the inexorable but blind quest of science, the technonological hubris that feeds off of it, and freedom of the individual mind that is threatened by it." Or if you prefer a roman à clef covering the tech/biotech landscape of the seventies through the nineties, John has some background characters for you.

3. Extra credit: imagine what Acts read like on first publication in 1999, many chip releases ago! John believes, "In many ways it's more timely today than when I wrote it." But it's early prescience that gives prophecy its sizzle.

4. Acts is considered a comparatively successful self-published and self-marketed book (recognized for this by Writer's Digest et al), and yet it has recently been purchased and professionally edited (just tightened, not changed in fundamentals), and will eventually be re-published, by Underland Press. A story of transformation: will it be transformed?

Some of us Protestants spend Wednesday of Holy Week celebrating a service called Tenebrae (Latin for "darkness" or "shadows"). Sounds like a perfect day to celebrate a novel with a dark angel at its heart!

[More details at the Blog Tour de Force web site.]

Note: John's first three novels work together (even though each seems to be in a different sub-genre within science fiction) as an uber-projecct called Mind Over Matter. Michael Allen has reviewed them all. (I'm not reading Michael's reviews until I finish my own.) They have numbers rather than colors so there is no "right" order in which to read them. The two I have encountered so far have the same epigraphs, which "read" very differently in the different contexts. To be continued.