Kerrums's Open Salon Blog

Today's Funny Session

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:11:41 -0500

It really was a funny session today. I am usually the easiest patient in the world. I enjoy talking and I'm learning how to put into words what is running through my mind. I am not dull and often have a funny story of the week to share with my therapist.

Today she came to the house. With the holidays it's just easier for her to come here. She's been here before and she loves my English Bulldog. Today she walked in and there were 2 English Bulldogs. She's excited. She wants to know where I got the new one. I said "Oh, that's my Mom's dog. They both moved in with us yesterday after a fight at her house." Lovely. Don't get me wrong, my Mom is always welcome to live with me, my husband, 2 small children and dog. God love 'em all. But, it's an ugly situation.

When my father passed away unexpectedly 2 years ago, she didn't know what to do. She couldn't afford her home on her income only (always plan for this folks!) and my younger brother and his girlfriend moved in. They split the cost of everything. Mom lives 5 houses up the street from me. So. The girlfriend gets pregnant 8.5 months ago. She no longer cooks, cleans, or really participates in overall life. She lays around like she has a terminal brain tumor. ::rolls eyes:: This does not sit well with Clean Freak Mom (who was NEVER a clean freak when I was a kid). You just know that harmony flew out the door. I get a phone call "come get me NOW. He and I are fighting and he won't let me take my car." Great. Lady, I'm in therapy because I am afraid to drive. But, I'll take one for the team. I get over there and they are both in the driveway SKU-REE-CHING (I'm in New England so that's what it sounds like when I say screeching) obscenities at one another. Like the kind of things you say to someone on death row that can't retaliate. I find out several things during this argument as I stand there slack jawed and staring. My brother is yelling at Mom "You're so crazy that you make HER look sane." I calmly stare at him and he kind of snickers and says "You've always known I thought you were crazy." Kids. I tell you. One time as a 10 year old you beat him to a pulp and you're forever branded insane. Oh, and apparently both my Mom and my future sister in law (who I actually like and am nice towards) are prostitutes. At least to hear THEM tell it. Of course, they didn't quite use the politically correct terms. So, everyone is now shacked up in my house..lol.

My therapist couldn't stop laughing. She seems to be Little Susie Suburbs who would call the police if someone hung a flyer on her mailbox with permission from the US Post Office. But, I had progress this week. I vocalized how insane I thought they all were, I drove by myself, and I even let Chris leave the house without me. Oh Joy.

Only 32 shopping days until Christmas. The holidays should be a bundle of joy this year. If I didn't need therapy before, I sure as hell am going to need it after the impending mess.

My 3 month review

Sat, 7 Nov 2009 13:11:22 -0500

Yesterday I had my 3 month treatment plan review. I like my therapist, she's a nice girl. Yes, girl. I turned 39 last week. I'm betting she's about 25. I don't have the heart to tell her she sucks and isn't very effective. I started off doing well but am now at a crossroads. I know what I want, just not how to accomplish this. She feels that we need to go in a different direction about our conversations. I'm all for it since our current direction isn't working well. We will now move on to..dun dun duhhhhhh...childhood trauma. She feels this is the root of my problems. I won't be discussing much of that aspect here. I would not like my family to stumble upon this and cause them any pain or embarrassment. Think of the worst thing to happen to a child and I guarantee I have first hand knowledge. It did not stunt my growth. It just made me a little bit...anxious.

I shall keep you all updated on my new method of treatment. Peace during the holidays to all of us!

Been awhile & not much success

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 15:10:21 -0400

So, therapy marches on. I don't feel like I'm making much progress at all but my therapist said it didn't happen overnight and won't fix itself overnight. I am seriously into instant gratification and am having a very hard time dealing with this. Last Sunday my husband's sister called and invited him to a movie. This sent me into a full blown anxiety attack. So, of course, a slight argument ensued. I felt so bad because it's my weaknesses that cause the majority of our marital troubles. I didn't say much about it and on Wednesday, on our way to the mall, I just totally broke down. I couldn't apologize enough to him. I have been kicking around the idea of taking meds for this but I'm really afraid to try. I said to him "I'm not sure if I'm more afraid of the meds or of you eventually hating me." He just said "I couldn't ever hate you. I love you and we'll just take care of one another, ok?" I said how sorry I was he couldn't go to the movie on Sunday and he said "I didn't want to go anyway, don't worry about it. And don't try meds yet." He's a really great guy most of the time. Sure, we have our arguments, most marriages do. Not only do we live together, we work together. We are together 24/7/365 and one extra on Leap Year. The longest we've been separated in 11 years is 1 week. That was last May when he had his heart attack. The therapist said this is what triggered my full blown anxiety that I can't shake.

I used to be normal. Or, at least my own definition of normal. I miss that person and want her back. Quickly. But, I think this is going to be an on-going project. I am my own worst enemy. I cause my own anxiety attacks which makes me feel like a bigger ass than I should. They say the first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem and need help. I've done that part. I admit it. I throw myself upon God's mercy and am begging for help. Oh, and my therapist, too..lol. I put my life in their hands. I suppose a better step would be to put it in my OWN hands. What a novel idea.

The only thing that keeps me going some days is my kids. They're 6 and 7 and the funniest children I've ever known. They get their humor from me..lol. I will leave you with this funny story from yesterday. The kids kept after me all day "Mommy I need this" "Mommy I need that" "Mommy mommy mommy." So, finally I had a conversation with my 6 year old daughter, Gabrielle. It went like this:"

Me: Gabrielle, I told you to get your homework.

Gabby: I don't want to.

Me: Gabrielle, stop being a pain in the ass.

Gabby: Mommy, your ass is just fine. It doesn't look like you're in pain.

Me: Uh, good point. And we don't use bad words. Bad Mommy.

See you soon!

Living with panic disorder & life in general

Wed, 2 Sep 2009 00:09:00 -0400

So. Here I am. I'm Kerry, it's nice to meet you. I'll tell you a little bit about myself. I'm 38. I have 2 children, 1 husband, 1 dog, a lot of jobs & responsibilities, panic disorder, a sense of humor, and an attitude I'm not afraid to use. I live outside of Boston on the North Shore. It's a nice life.

I just started therapy for panic attacks. I've been having them regularly for about 15 years now. I finally decided 2 weeks ago that I want my old life back..well, minus the poverty, the extra weight I carried, and I will keep the kids and husband. I want to be fun again. I want to be able to drive my car further than the end of the driveway by myself. It's a hot car (for me). It has less than 1,000 miles on it. It's a 2009 Jeep Liberty. I look very cute in it. I'll look cuter in the driver's seat. I had my first panic attack ever in May of 1994. It was a week before getting my Bachelor of Science (yes, a BS degree) in Criminal Justice. I didn't think I'd passed some lit course and if I didn't, I wouldn't graduate. So, I panicked. Woke up from a dead sleep with a heart racing 200 bpm. Couldn't swallow. Dizzy. Raced to the emergency room and had an EKG. Found out it was an anxiety attack. From the day on..my life was never the same. I have now convinced myself that everything I do, or don't do, will cause an attack. The voices in my head (no, I don't hear God) race with whatever catastrophic thoughts I can come up with. "If I drive to the store, I could have a panic attack, get lightheaded, faint, the car will land in the river, the windows will be up, I will drown." Yeah. Being me is LOADS of fun. Actually, other than slight insanity, I love my life.

So. You can all enjoy the journey of my life with anxiety. It'll be more than that because..well..I'm chatty. So, bear with me, as I take the journey to my recovery.