K.M. Breay's Open Salon Blog

Pro-Romney Super PAC initiates drone attacks

Thu, 22 Dec 2011 22:12:28 -0500

Restore Our Future, the powerful pro-Romney Super PAC, has initiated an aggressive campaign of drone attacks targeting Newt Gingrich. Several hundred Romney drones were seen yesterday morning over Sioux City, Iowa and there is speculation that hundreds more will be deployed soon. “I hear that Restore Our Future has over 5 trillion dollars to work with,” said GOP strategist Mike Murphy, who is unaffiliated with a campaign. “That kind of money buys you a hell of a lot of firepower.”

The drones, also known as remotely piloted aircraft, are made by the powerful defense contractor Northrop Grumman, which is Mr. Romney’s largest corporate contributor. A well-placed Pentagon source, who insisted on anonymity, said the drones are manned and operated by contractors from Blackwater, the private military company that played a substantial role in the Iraq War. There are also reports that Restore Our Future purchased the expensive drones with a 2 trillion dollar interest free loan from Goldman Sachs, which provided the financing with a portion of the taxpayer funded bailout money it received in 2009. Restore Our Future is reportedly planning to pay back the loan in early February, after its initial public offering, which Goldman Sachs is underwriting – along with Bain Capital.

Mr. Gingrich was seen late last night trying to escape the Romney drones. “I saw this fat sucker in a suit haulin’ ass alongside a herd of cattle,” said Hank Vandermolen, a wheat farmer near Waterloo. “His big 'ole head was lit up by one of those infrared target lasers," continued Vandermolen. "Newt lost 'em after he tripped and fell into a corn patch.”

There is speculation the drone campaign was planned and organized by Stuart Stevens, Mr. Romney’s senior campaign strategist. Federal election law forbids coordination between presidential candidates and their affiliated Super PACs; but it does allow the campaigns to provide ‘tactical and logistical support’ for ‘limited drone campaigns.’ “We have volunteers providing water bottles and energy bars to some of the ground pilots and sensor operators,” said Mr. Stevens. “Which is completely within the law.”

A source close to the Gingrich campaign admits the Romney drones have taken their toll, but insists the strategy will backfire. “We’re going to continue running a positive, issues-based campaign,” said the source. “Look, voters see over a thousand drone attacks and they begin to tune out.”

Gingrich Rushed To Hospital

Wed, 21 Dec 2011 13:12:32 -0500

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has been hospitalized after collapsing this morning outside of a diner in Davenport, Iowa. The former speaker had just left a sparsely attended ‘meet and greet’ at Annie’s Coffee Shop when he was confronted by ABC news reporter Jake Tapper, who asked Mr. Gingrich to explain why so many of his former colleagues have said that he is too unstable to be president. Mr. Gingrich glared at Mr. Tapper for several seconds before cursing, stumbling backwards and then crashing through a nearby display window, reportedly filled with ladies clothing.

Sources at Mencken General Hospital say that Mr. Gingrich, who has recently been the target of millions of dollars in negative ads, is being treated for a severely damaged ego. He is unconscious and currently in intensive care. One hospital source, who insisted on anonymity, said the Iowa facility is ill-equipped to properly treat the candidate. “Frankly, we’ve never seen an ego this large and fragile,” said the doctor. “We’re doing our best, but they will probably have to airlift him back to DC.”

Another source said that, for the time being, campaign aides and Callista Gingrich, the candidate’s wife, have been a constant presence at the former speaker’s bedside and are doing their best to help treat Mr. Gingrich. “Callista has been whispering ‘you get sixty thousand dollars per speech’ into his ear over and over again,” said the source. "And there is a succession of aides who take turns holding up a copy of the Time magazine issue that named him Man of the Year.” (It has been reported that Mr. Gingrich always keeps several copies of the issue with him, much like a diabetic does with insulin).

Campaign aides were disappointed to find that the candidate’s iPod was crushed to pieces after Mr. Gingrich, who is said to weigh nearly three hundred pounds, fell through the clothing store display window. Mr. Gingrich’s iPod reportedly contains all of his political speeches, every single one of the lectures the former professor delivered at West Georgia College and recordings of all of his former mistresses whispering 'you are a genius'. “Whenever Newt’s not talking, which admittedly isn’t often, he’s listening to that iPod,” said one campaign source. “It would really help if we could pop that thing onto his head right now.

The Gingrich campaign has officially refused comment.

Steve Jobs To Be Reincarnated As PC

Mon, 19 Dec 2011 09:12:03 -0500

Steve Jobs, the aggressive and demanding personal technology pioneer who died in early October, will be reincarnated as a PC. Afterlife Court spokesman Tom Breen, a former mortgage broker who is living his second life as a slip-n-slide, made the announcement via Twitter.

Mr. Jobs was convicted of ‘moral bankruptcy’, which carries a minimum sentence of 20 Years Non-Human Object but, with good behavior, is sometimes reduced to something Sub-Human, like a United States Congressman or Dick Fuld. Mr. Jobs’ defense team argued that reincarnating their client as a PC was cruel and unusual punishment and pleaded for something less harsh, like a cat tree or a sub pump; but the court rejected their appeal.

The prosecution presented evidence over several weeks and called to the stand a parade of witnesses who detailed Mr. Jobs’ malevolent behavior; which included habitually parking in handicapped spaces, berating waiters and waitresses, routinely telling his employees they were ‘shit’ and, despite being a billionaire several times over, giving nothing to charity. One witness, a former Apple engineer who died 3 years ago, testified that every time he passed him in the hallway, even though they'd never spoken to each other, Mr. Jobs would give him the finger. During his closing argument, lead attorney Leon Jaworski summed up the prosecution's case with a simple and convincing mantra: “If he’s a dick, you must convict.”

Mr. Jobs' defense team argued that their client’s contributions to society were monumental and introduced into evidence many popular Apple products; including the iPod and iPad. But Justice Louis Brandeis dismissed the devices as trendy and inconsequential gadgets that will soon be forgotten. He cited previous consumer products that were briefly hailed as towering achievements before becoming unpopular and useless; including pocket calculators, Pong, cassette tapes, Intellivision, instant cameras, Walkmans, pagers, MP3 Players, fax machines, CDs, landline telephones and Frogger.

Mr. Jobs also requested that, should he exhibit good behavior as a PC, he would then become eligible to appear as a PC in future “Mac versus PC” commercials and would be compensated for his appearances with Apple stock. Chief Justice Earl Warren speculated that Mr. Jobs was seeking to re-acquire Apple shares so he could eventually take back his company. The prosecution pointed out that if a PC acquired Apple it would be a violation of anti-trust laws; and the court agreed.

Mr. Jobs will begin life as a PC next week and has been assigned to the desk of Milwaukee resident Harold Bunderson, a life-long social worker who works with children abandoned by their fathers.

Bush Frequent Presence At Shopping Mall

Mon, 5 Dec 2011 12:12:03 -0500

Every weekday at noon inside a North Dallas shopping mall, the 43rd president of the United States sits down at his usual table in the food court with two plates of magic fries, a jumbo Mello Yellow and a grande chimichanga with extra queso. “When he first starting showin’ up at the mall, people would always come over and ask for his autograph or whatever,” said Daryl Vanderveen, a 19-year-old cashier at Sbarro Pizza. “But now that he’s here so much nobody even looks up from their lunch.”

Sources interviewed for this article said that Mr. Bush spends at least eight hours of each day at the Preston Hollow Shopping Center, a popular retail destination near his home in suburban Dallas. “Other than that chimichanga lunch he doesn’t really have a set routine,” said one source. “Sometimes he’ll hang around Lenscrafters trying on glasses or head over to Abercrombie & Fitch and watch the girls fold pants. Last week I saw him inside Pottery Barn sleeping in a leather recliner.”

But some mall employees are beginning to complain about the former president. “The other day I was taking a smoke break near the fountain and he just kept asking me stupid stuff like, ‘guess how fast I could get a hot dog in the White House,’” said Amber Kaul, who works part-time at the T-Mobile kiosk. “So finally I’m like ‘I dunno, ten minutes?’ And he’s all like ‘more like two minutes’ and then he snaps his fingers and gives me this cocky look like I’m supposed to care.” Donna Simpson, a barista at the mall Starbucks, said the former president is often a distraction from her work. “He sits down over there with a pencil and a piece of paper and supposedly starts working on his 'Freedom Institute,” said Ms. Simpson. “But after about five minutes he comes over, takes a seat at the counter and starts telling how there’s milk duds on Air Force One or Dick Cheney has a glass eye. I’m like ‘dude, there’s about fifty people in line right now, go away!”

Nestor Martinez, a 20-year-old mall security guard, confirmed that on at least two occasions he’s had to speak to the former president about his behavior. “We started getting complaints that he was hanging around the men’s room asking guys if they wanted to have their picture taken with him,” said Mr. Martinez. “When I told him to stop, he said ‘let’s go sort it out over a game of Donkey Kong'." So after my shift we went over to the arcade and I beat him in a best of three. Then he got all pissy and said Donkey Kong sucks anyways.”

Two sources have confirmed that former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was recently enlisted by friends and former aides to speak to Mr. Bush about the situation. “She asked him point blank if it was true that he'd spent an entire afternoon doing nothing but riding up and down the escalators,” said the source. “The president got really defensive and refused to give Condi a straight answer.”

When the president left office nearly three years ago, it was announced that he would establish a 'Freedom Institute' and work full-time towards promoting democracy and human rights throughout the world. But some close friends and former advisors admit privately that Mr. Bush has not made progress on either front. “He told me he was going to dedicate the rest of his life to confronting tyranny," said one prominent G.O.P. fundraiser. "I'm not sure how you do that by hanging around the mall challenging strangers to games of Ms. Pac Man.”

In response to questions about the president’s schedule, a spokesman released the following statement. “The president continues to work towards advancing freedom around the world.”

Rick Perry Reveals Special Needs Diagnosis

Mon, 28 Nov 2011 11:11:24 -0500

In a daring effort to resurrect their candidate’s flagging prospects and turn their biggest weakness into a strength, the Perry campaign is set to announce that their candidate suffers from something called Cognitive Infantilism, a chronic, life-long disease that impairs brain development and executive functioning. Seeking to re-position Mr. Perry as an underdog who has persevered in the face of enormous obstacles, the campaign has re-branded itself with a new slogan: “Overkoming Chalenges,” – which will appear in sloppy crayon handwriting, deliberately misspelled.

The Perry organization is rolling out an aggressive media campaign that will include 10 million dollars worth of television ads and appearances on several cable and network television programs. Monday afternoon in Los Angeles, Mr. Perry taped an episode of The Ellen Degeneres Show, where he spoke about the challenges he’s had to overcome as a life-long sufferer of Cognitive Infantilism. “When I’m having a hard time with my alphabet letters or can’t remember what a shoe is, I just think of FBR, who was in that wheelchair thing and couldn’t talk, but didn’t let that stop him from winnin’ Vietnam or puttin’ Rosa Parks on the moon,” said Mr. Perry.

The campaign is already up on the air in Iowa with a commercial that depicts the candidate struggling with his disease. In the ad, Mr. Perry is shown having lunch in the kitchen of the governor’s mansion, where he is seated in an oversized height chair and wearing a large bib that says ‘Don’t mess with Texas’. Ellen Hughes, the governor’s economic advisor, is spoon-feeding Mr. Perry a bowl of mashed up bananas while another aide points to a hand held chalkboard with the equation 1 + 1 written on it. At the end of the spot, Mr. Perry looks directly into the camera and says, “That was me six years ago – stumblin’ over number digits and droolin’ mush all over my man bib. But now, with lots of perseverin’ and the help of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I can add some stuffs and eat most things without help. I’ve been fighting this disease my whole life. And when I get to the White House I’ll be fighting for you.”

Many leading physicians are criticizing the Perry campaign for misrepresenting the candidate’s condition. Dr. Jeffrey M. Drazen, editor-in-chief of the New England Journal of Medicine, said Mr. Perry made up the disease. “There’s no such thing as Cognitive Infantilism,” said Dr. Drazen. “There is something called ‘dumb,’ but the medical community doesn’t consider that to be a disease.”

Pfizer, the world’s largest pharmaceutical company, has already released a new drug they say is effective in fighting Cognitive Infantilism. But critics are pointing out that Pfizer is Mr. Perry’s largest contributor and that Infantilexa, the new drug, was recklessly fast-tracked through the FDA approval process by Tom Breen, Mr. Perry’s former Chief of Staff, who is now a senior official at the Food and Drug Administration. Mr. Perry has reportedly been awarded a multi-million dollar contract by the pharmaceutical conglomerate and will be featured in a series of forthcoming Infantilexa commercials; the first of which, called “Oops”, will begin airing this week.

GOP strategist Karl Rove said the Perry campaign might have miscalculated with its new strategy. “Frankly, I don’t think this Baby Brain strategy is necessary. Perry’s numbers aren’t dropping because he’s dumb, they’re dropping because he’s the only Republican candidate who did not sign the ‘Kill All The Illegals’ pledge,” said Mr. Rove. “Look, I’ll be honest, back when we were gearing up for Bush 2000, we went out and poll tested a special needs strategy. But the Republican focus groups said they didn’t have a problem with dumb people. In fact, what they had a problem with was smart people, who they thought were funny looking and weird and sounded kinda gay.”