kryptogal's Open Salon Blog

What does having a baby have in common with suicide?

Fri, 11 Mar 2011 17:03:03 -0500

I consider the decision to have a child (or to not have a child) to be the single most significant decision people make in their lives.

Sure, there are lots of big decisions we make over the course of our lives: where to live, how to make money, whether to partner up (and with whom).

But none of these decisions are as life-altering and as irrevocable as the decision to become a parent. You can always move, train for a new profession, or get a divorce. But you can never undo having a child. You can’t just decide, ten years in, that parenthood isn’t for you and somehow return the kid (notwithstanding Bill Cosby’s classic threat to his children: “I brought you into this world and I’ll send you right back!”).

I was discussing this with my boyfriend, and he told me I was wrong, because suicide is just as irrevocable and life-altering as having a child. And he’s right. In fact, as I thought about it more, I realized that having a child is, in a sense, the exact opposite of suicide.

With suicide, you end a life, which is a permanent commitment. When you have a child, you create a life, which is also a permanent commitment. They’re both life and death decisions, and they’re both final.

So, considering that the decision to have a child is so incomparably HUGE, so existentially weighty, why is it that we have virtually no tools to help us make this decision?

Two years ago, I wrote a post titled Does Having Children Ruin Your Life? It was a tongue-in-cheek venting of my frustrations with trying to figure out the kid question. And I got a lot of really thoughtful, interesting answers from happy parents, not-so-happy parents, and the childfree.

Those comments sent me on a mission to try to figure this parenthood thing out. I wanted to know why some people enjoy parenthood so much while others are either neutral or actively dislike it. I ordered and read every book on the subject I could find (including Salon's "Maybe Baby") and every study and article I could get my hands on. But I was still left with more questions than answers, because the fact is, there is simply no real data on this issue.

Now, I know that some people have simply always known they want kids, or that they don’t want kids, so the question isn’t a big deal for them. And those people are lucky! I truly envy them.

But for the rest of us, what do we have to go on? Not much. If I were trying to decide what kind of car to buy, I could find pages of statistics, data, and reviews to help me make an informed decision. If I was considering getting a chihuahua or a dalmation, there is loads of information on these breeds to help me decide. But when it comes to becoming a parent? Not so much.

The social science says that on average, parents are slightly less happy than non-parents. But that’s about it for hard data, and it’s decidedly unhelpful. Clearly not all parents are less happy, so what are the important differences between parents who are happy and those who aren’t?

For instance, does one’s religious views affect enjoyment of parenting? Does one’s optimism or pessimism about the future matter? What about one’s relationship with their own parents? Does it matter if you live in the city or the country? If you’re an animal lover or a sports nut? Does it change things if you’re a morning person or a night owl? If you’re introverted or extroverted? Does it even matter if you “like kids” in general or do you only need to like your own kid?

We don’t have answers to any of these questions.

You would think this would be an area of serious concern and research. After all, it’s not only incredibly important to the individual people trying to make this decision; it’s also important to society. It does no good for anyone when people who really aren’t cut out to be parents have children. If we had better information showing us what kind of traits make for satisfied versus miserable parents, we might be able to avoid a lot of heartache.

So what gives? Where’s the research?

The only answer I can come up with is that for the vast majority of human history, there was no choice about having kids. If you had sex, you were going to end up with babies.

And our culture is still essentially built around that base biological fact. We’ve only had reliable and widely available control over our reproduction for a fraction of history, a few decades. So I suppose our research hasn’t yet caught up to the fact that parenthood is now an option, not a given. Our culture still simply assumes parenthood; it’s the default position. So our memes and social scripts and even the research performed by social scientists reflect that assumption.

There is, perhaps, even a pro-natalist bias at work here. In effect, if lots of babies are considered good and necessary for society, then we don’t want to discourage anyone from having one. So if it turns out that introverted night-owls are 300% more likely to dislike parenting than extroverted morning people, then perhaps people don’t think it’s worth knowing.

Well, I want to know.

So I've done the only thing I can think of (and yes, I know this shows what an insufferable data-loving nerd I am): I created a survey. It's designed to tease out those traits that might be correlated with satisfaction or dissatisfaction in parenthood versus childlessness. It looks at demographics, worldview, values, lifestyle -- really anything I could think of that might be correlated with one's happiness as a parent.

And while I'd like to get a lot more responses, the results so far are interesting. The good news is that most people are happy with whatever decision they made, whether they chose to have kids or not. But at this preliminary point, there do appear to be some differences between the happier and less happy parents. And there's also some differences between happy parents and the happily childfree. For instance, it appears that people who are happily childfree are much more likely to be animal lovers, and, in particular, to have cats rather than dogs.

But to get more robust data, I need more responses! So help me out and take my survey -- I need men and women, parents and non, satisfied and not so satisfied. The more responses I get, the better the data.

If you'd like to help, you can take the survey here.

I'll be posting some of the results as they roll in. And thanks in advance!

Facebook and Old Flames

Tue, 7 Apr 2009 17:04:52 -0400

I wonder how many old flames have been reignited because of Facebook. I wonder how many affairs are going on right now that began with a friend request. Quite a few, I would bet.

I signed up for Facebook less than six months ago. I love it. I live thousands of miles away from where I grew up and went to college, and I’ve gotten back in touch with many old friends. It’s a fantastic tool.

I’ve also become “friends” with more than one ex-boyfriend. With most of them, we say hi, give a quick status update, check out each other’s photos, and that’s that. But a few have made definite romantic overtures. They’ve sent questionable emails, and flirted, and told me I look great. The problem is that at least two of these guys are married.

I think this is pretty common. I would guess that it’s happened to most people on Facebook – at least, most of those of us who are old enough to have lost track of old lovers.

Would it happen without Facebook? Probably not. Until I signed up for Facebook, this didn’t happen to me. And for all we like to wail about the loss of privacy on the internet, most of us aren’t actually googleable. I’ve googled lots of old friends and acquaintances and had zero relevant hits turn up. And even when google does turn up with something and you find an old flame, you have no valid reason for contacting an ex-lover out of the blue. To send an out-of-the-blue email to a long-lost lover, you must be either very curious or very brave.

But this all changes with Facebook. Suddenly, we can find old flames in an instant, and there’s a perfectly good reason to contact them – we’re friending all our high school buddies, why not them too? Friending is so casual. It doesn’t violate any etiquette. It’s all too easy.

I haven’t been tempted to engage in online flirtation with these guys, but that’s because I’m not what I call an IVP: an Intrigue-Vulnerable Person. But IVPs are common. My workplace is crawling with them. And a few years ago, I was one. Here’s what makes for an IVP:

· Boredom with your relationship and/or homelife

· Stress related to your relationship and/or homelife

· Loneliness and/or a feeling of being undesirable or taken for granted by your mate

· Unrequited love for someone from your youth (this one is the most dangerous)

If you’re an IVP, and you get a flirtatious email from an old flame, a little spark goes off in your chest. A tingle. It puts a smile on your face. So you start corresponding, perhaps innocently at first, and now you have a fun little secret. You start reliving old memories. Online, you’re both at your charming best. You carefully compose your emails and you choose your words to be witty, self-deprecating, and fascinating. You anxiously await a reply in your inbox. Your instant messages are effervescent.

Not only do you put your best self forward online, but your old flame sees you that way too. They remember you when you were young. They still think of you as young. They don’t see you as middle-aged, they see you as a vibrant 19 year old in a grown-up body. It makes you feel young. It makes you feel sparkling and interesting and desirable. It’s intoxicating.

Some of these emotional affairs will never leave the bounds of the internet. But some will turn physical, and some will break up marriages. I posit that this phenomenon will grow by leaps and bounds because of Facebook.

I am not blaming Facebook, nor excusing adulterers. We are all responsible for our own behavior. But in my assessment, most people are vulnerable to affairs and one point or another. The reason they don’t happen more often is not because most people have wonderful self-control but because opportunities are either non-existent or come at too high a cost.

But Facebook significantly decreases those costs. It allows people to fool themselves. It starts so innocently. It provides both the means and the motive for contacting an old flame. Hell, you can chat with your ex-lover on your laptop while your spouse is in the same room! But an “innocent” exchange can turn into attraction and emotional attachment very, very easily. The allure of the old flame – of the person who knew you when you were young – should not be underestimated. It can be very powerful.

So while I believe in personal responsibility, I also have sympathy for those who struggle to resist something so powerful. Technology dangles an exponentially-increasing number of temptations in front of our noses: 5,000 years ago, we didn’t have to struggle to avoid that last piece of pizza, or that unnecessary credit card purchase, or surfing on our boss’s dime, or having an online affair – those things simply didn’t exist. Today, we must all exercise constant vigilance against incessant social and technological influences that do not have our best interests in mind. So I’m not quick to judge. But I do worry.

Am I making something out of nothing here? Should we all just trust ourselves and our partners to use proper self-restraint, and go on our merry ways? I’m admittedly a cynic, but I work around middle-aged family guys, and judging from the boredom and dissatisfaction most them express with their lives, I doubt they could be trusted to maintain appropriate boundaries if they were contacted by a flirtatious ex. (Note: the same could be said about women, I just happen to work with mostly guys). What do you think?

Does Having Children Ruin Your Life?

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:03:59 -0400

I would like a serious answer about this.

I am not a parent, and I have been told that until I become a parent, I can never really understand what it is like to be one. So I just have to trust what the parents tell me.

And yet I am quite sure that most parents are not telling the full truth and nothing but the truth.

One of my very few skills in life is detecting lies and omissions. And my radar is going off all over the place when it comes to parents.

I would really like to understand the parenthood thing. So I often ask people what it’s like. But most of the time, I don’t think I get a full and honest answer. The usual answer is something along the lines of “it’s the best thing I’ve ever done in my life and you should definitely have kids too.” To me, this is rather hard to swallow.

On the other hand, I have also gotten the following less rosy responses:

· One woman told me that while she loves her kids and would never unwish their existence now that they’re here, if she had known what parenthood was like before she had kids, she wouldn’t have done it.

· Another man told me that while his life cruised along at a solid 8 on the 1-to-10 scale before he had children, it was almost entirely 1s and 10s afterwards. And that he wasn’t sure the roller-coaster was preferable.

· Another woman told me that while she generally feels satisfied and happy, at least once a week she wants to abandon her husband and kids and just run away from her life. The funny thing about that comment was that to me, wanting to run away from your life and disappear sounds REALLY BAD – if I felt that way about my life even occasionally, I would be looking to make some immediate and drastic changes. But the woman who said this acted like it was ordinary.

These three examples were people who were unusually candid. But with most parents I talk to, I suspect that they’re lying, or at least hiding something.

Perhaps this is fair, because I generally don’t feel like I can be honest with parents about how it looks to me as an outside observer – I’m afraid they will either cry or slap me.

Because most of the time, from my perspective, it doesn’t look good. The parents I know seem, as a general rule, to be less happy than the non-parents. They are more stressed out, more exhausted, more worried, less fun, less funny, and much more interested in their personal/familial lives than the outside world – at least compared to those without children.

Now of course, this is all perfectly natural. Raising a child (or more than one) takes a huge amount of physical and emotional energy. Anything that sucks up your physical and emotional energy will lead to the previously enumerated list of characteristics. So I understand.

But my question is, why do people become parents when parenthood seems so awful?

I don’t criticize people who have children. Just the opposite. I’m GLAD most people want kids, because we need them. I love my niece and I’m glad my sister had her, for my own selfish enjoyment. But I can also look at my sister’s life and say that, as an objective matter, it seemed better before she became a parent (she might not agree with me but that’s my assessment).

I just don’t get it. I’ve never understood it. It truly mystifies me why anyone would want to have children. And I really want to understand.

Here’s the way I see it: having a child is like having an arranged marriage with a person you won’t meet until your wedding day. And then you can never get divorced. Your spouse could be tall or short, kind or mean, mentally or physically disabled, funny or humorless, ugly or pretty, lazy or energetic, smart or dull – you won’t know until it’s too late. And you will be 100% responsible for your spouse’s emotional, physical, intellectual, and financial well-being for the rest of your life. If your spouse has problems – say, he/she is an alcoholic or autistic – you will be blamed. You will worry about your spouse and feel guilty about your spouse without cease.

Who in their right mind would sign up for a marriage like that? NO ONE!! Yet that’s exactly what you sign up for when you have a child. You don’t know who your child will be until it’s too late. And you can never, ever, ever un-do it.

So why do 9 out of 10 people seem so gung-ho about this?? Can anyone give me some answers?

This question is of particular interest to me because I am a 31-year old childless woman. Accordingly, I receive inquiries about my interest in motherhood fairly frequently. I respond that I have no such interest. When asked why, I can rattle off a long list:

· The thought of pregnancy and birth is literally horrifying (and I don’t understand why most women don’t feel this way – a HUMAN BEING grows IN YOUR GUTS and then tears its way out of the most sensitive part of your body!!! Aaiiieee!!! I got goose-bumps just typing that -- shudder).

· It’s much too risky to make a lifelong commitment to a human being I’ve never even met, who could very well be someone I wouldn’t like at all, or who wouldn’t like me at all.

· I deeply value and enjoy my romantic/sexual relationship and don’t want to ruin it.

· I strive to minimize my financial obligations in all manners possible and a child is the biggest financial obligation I can think of.

· While dogs and cats bring a smile to my face and make me want to touch and interact with them, I’m indifferent to children.

· I’m philosophically uncomfortable with the lack of consent inherent in parent-child relationships – children don’t ask to be born and certainly don’t ask to be born to their particular parents or raised in a particular household. I still sympathize with the teenager’s outrage at being forced to live by rules they never agreed to.

· When I think back to my own childhood I feel quite bad for my parents and all the sacrifices they made, and certainly would not want to live with my adolescent self.

· I cherish sleep and the idea of not sleeping in on weekends makes me want to cry.

· Human society could very well be worse in the future, and there are too many humans.

· I prefer peace and quiet, I’m a low-energy person, and I’m an introverted type who needs to spend lots of time in my own head.

· I find the idea of living with someone who masturbates all over your house, openly disrespects you, lies to your face, and eats all your food (i.e. a teenager) distasteful.

I could go on, but the point is, I can easily think of dozens of very concrete and important reasons not to have a child. Yet I never get ANY comprehensible explanation for why I should want a child. Instead, I get bizarre and inexplicable reasons, like the following:

· It’s a form of immortality. (Really? Does anyone actually care about this??)

· It’s fascinating to watch a little you develop. (I assuredly do the world a big favor by preventing it from having to deal with a “little me”)

· You’ll have someone to care about you when you’re old (This one is the weirdest. I should make my life miserable during my prime for the benefit of my last few decrepit months? I would rather hang out with other old decrepit people than guilt young people into hanging out with me at that point anyway)

I am at the age where everyone around me is popping out babies. I feign enthusiasm and cheer for my friends upon each new pregnancy, when really I find the whole phenomenon to be quite inscrutable. Still, when most people you know and the culture as a whole collectively tells you that you’re wrong, that you would be a great mother, that you would love being a mother, and that you’re missing out, you start to doubt yourself. So I wonder.

I am not trying to be snarky or mean-spirited. I am honestly just curious. I want to understand. Because I only have a few years left to change my mind.

So please, explain it to me. Why have kids when it looks so bad?