LadyMiko's Open Salon Blog

Destination

Thu, 17 May 2012 18:05:39 -0400

My legs wrapped around your back . . . your fingers lost in my tangled hair.

I can’t get close enough to you.

Two Paws For Boo

Wed, 16 May 2012 17:05:28 -0400

Little Girl turns two today.

And its bittersweet. Sunday will be six months since Steven left us. He had wanted to make Boo's second birthday special. The irony is not lost on me, though its hard to laugh about. Boo came to US for a reason. . . and I'm only now beginging to understand that reason.

She was his way of trying to give me what I truly wanted . . . and still want.

I love him for that.

Happy Birthday my sweet Little Girl!

Life With a Side Of Fries

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 15:04:25 -0400

This past Friday was five months.

Thursday I was antsy, and T surprised me by driving me to his new house (the one he’s been working on since last October) The ride was comfy and yet, kinda awkward.

He was worried about it not being finished, but I didn’t care, I was just happy to finally see it. Its an adorable three bedroom one bath. Hardwood floors and all that jazz. Its cozy and a fun layout. There is still a bit of work to be done before summer, but these things take time. Out of respect for the new carpet I left Boo at home, she is potty trained but she has been known to do “submissive peeing” when she is nervous or scared.

We watched a movie and fell asleep on the couch, but I was nudged awake long enough to stumble to the bedroom and crawl in bed. I’m lucky in that the men in my life have been cuddly. A lot of men don’t realize how much that means to us. A good snuggle fest is more bonding to me, then a night of wild sex, at least in some respects. It was nice to hear him snore.

I slept really well that night.

At 7:15 am I sat up and took a deep breath. Fifteen minutes later I wiped away a tear and for the first time I didn’t hear the phantom ring of the phone, as I had every month since that morning. I turned to look at T, assuming he was still asleep. I was surprised to see him looking at me and he smiled and pulled me close. I didn’t have to say a word. I heard his alarm go off and he grabbed his phone and sent a text, telling me he was going to work late that morning, he wanted to stay in bed with me.

I figured it would only be a little while. A little while turned into three hours. No sex, just being close, never underestimate it. That meant more to me than anything, I can’t describe it, I’m still on cloud nine about it. He was stunned when I told him that he had made me happy without even trying. I think it shocked him. I think he understands that I really am easy to please.

More importantly, that time with him showed me once again, that love is not one the finer things in life, but the epitome of what life should be about. Having that realization is bittersweet. A day doesn’t go by when I don’t think about my husband. Especially when I look at Little Boo. There are days I just want to hide from the world and wallow, but those days are becoming fewer as time goes on. It still sucks, but the pain of him being gone is now fading into the reality of missing him, which for me is subtle but constant. But its not always a negative thing.

Every Sunday night, Boo and I watch Animation Domination on Fox. Steven loved it and it became a weekend ritual. It still is. I still a lot of little things the way we used to, its comforting and sometimes, hilarious. And really, I’ve found myself laughing a lot lately. (Thanks to Boo and my screwed up sense of humor)

Yes, I said it, and when I tell friends I’m feeling happy despite my grief, some look at me as if I’m high or something. Who said mourning had to somber and depressing 24/7? I call dumbass on that archaic idea. For every time I tear up, there are five times I’m laughing my ass off over a memory or something I find (I’m STILL finding post it notes, lol) Maybe I’m nuts, who knows.

But hey, that’s life right?

Every Inch, Memories

Fri, 23 Mar 2012 15:03:36 -0400

Sorting through stuff should be a happy thing, fun in some cases.

To some extent it has been easy but then I’ll find something that brings back a memory . . . like my husbands long trench coat, the soft leather still smells like him . . . the last time he wore it was during our crazy hotel adventure.

That was only last February . . . why does it feel like its been decades?

I still have all of his silk neckties . . . I remember the first one I ever saw him wear. . . blood red with a black dress shirt. I miss watching him dress in the morning, men don’t realize, or understand why that can be so sexy. But it is. I used to grab his tie and make him wrestle it from me . . . which led him to being late to work on numerous occasions.

Fluffy was very camera shy, so the photos I do have of him are priceless to me. But I purposely asked a dear friend to take the photos albums and keep them for awhile, I just can’t look. Things are more than vivid right now.

Books, notebooks full his wispy handwriting, his “Grinch” slippers (He LOVED Dr Seuss), military dog tags, the Raiders shot glass he’d keep M&M’s in on the night stand . . . everything.

I thought I could handle it . . . until I found the tell tale wooden box in the back of the bedroom closet. And I was fool enough to lift the lid.

Cards, letters and random pieces of the past eight years. Echos of a life . . . now given way to silence. Against my better judgement, I curled up in bed with our girl and read until every letter and envelop had been opened. I do not know how long I laid there, diving into the words.

Then I realized something . . . by the time I had read the last letter, I was laughing.

Taped to the bottom of the box was another note, one I didn’t recognize. Then it clicked, he had put it there before he died, knowing I would find it.

You will be alright little one, I promise. It may not feel that way for a while but you are stronger than you have ever given yourself credit for and you will be happy again very soon. I love you Amanda.

People say time heals all wounds . . . I don’t think that is always true . . . I think the memories are more telling than anything else.

We ever really heal from loss, we grow, we change and we live. But the scars remain with us . . . but it’s the memories that make us smile and give us the strength to find happiness again.

Things I’ve Learned in 2012 (So Far)

Sat, 17 Mar 2012 14:03:48 -0400

* Puppies are magic. (Like I didn’t know that already!)

* Paying it forward is the sign of a happy person. :)

* We never stop loving those who leave us . . . they merely open our hearts to share that love with other people.

* I have a love hate relationship with Brie cheese.

* Observe how a man treats your dogs, for that is how he will treat your children.

* Breasts are a natural focal point for men. And some canines.

* Nothing makes a man forget an argument like a naked woman waiting for him at the door with a beer. Or a home made cheese steak.

* Being fun size has more pros than cons. (Being too short to see over a mans shoulder is HOT)

* Corsets are not easy to size :(

* I STILL can’t walk in heels.

* Debt sucks but its not the end of the world.

* Some men are not very verbal . . . that’s ok.

* Grief changes us, but it doesn’t have to define who we are.

* I can still belly dance!