littlewillie's Open Salon Blog

Sour Grapes And Other Tough To Swallow Snacks

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:11:15 -0500

I knew a comedian who claimed that he was the second choice behind Robin Williams to be "Mork" from the hit television show, Mork and Mindy. This guy was bitter and jealous that the immensely talented Robin Williams went on to fame and fortune while his career went nowhere.

What I wanted to say to him but did not, was something like, "What good is telling people that you were almost Mork from Ork. Please! That was over thirty years ago. The only reason that "Mork and Mindy" was successful was because of Robin Williams. You are a funny guy, but if you or anyone else had played "Mork", the show would have been cancelled after three episodes."

Of course I did not say that. I just listened to more of his "sour grapes". While we are on the subject of "Mork and Mindy", I must confess that I had the hots for Pam Dawber, Robin William's co-star. Ms. Dawber has that "girl next door that I want to peep into her bedroom" look that drives me wild. She reminded me of Dawn Wells, the actress who played "Mary Ann" on Gilligan's Island. Even at age eleven I was enough of a realist to know that I would never have a shot with a woman who looked like "Ginger" (Tina Louise), so I focused my naughty attention and intentions on Mary Ann. These days I would settle for Mrs. Howell or the Skipper.

Getting back to "sour grapes" and other delicacies, I sometimes tell people that I came close to being a "Pip" from Gladys Knight and The Pips.

"Yea man. I know all The Pips are black, but Gladys was into that Rainbow Coalition thang and she was seriously considering including a "white pip". It would have been revolutionary. Damn. That's the only way I could have made it on to my favorite show, "Soul Train". Did I ever tell you that I could have been "The Fifth Top"? Well, you see The Four Tops were looking to add a fifth top and I almost got the gig. Yes, I'm aware that The Four Tops are black, but just shutup and let me finish my story. Some people just talk too damn much."

Alien Abduction Vacations

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 05:11:18 -0500

Tired of those same old vacation offers? Boring tour packages, generic cruises, and phoney eco-adventures. Then you may be ready for the hottest new vacation fad: (Simulated) Alien Abduction Vacations.

You give us the date that you wish to be abducted and we take care of the rest. Once you have been abducted by our trained professionals (ex-Blackwater employees), your body will be transported to our state of the art Trailer Park facility.

There you will undergo a full evaluation by our alien medical staff (premed students from local community colleges). Many of your precious bodily fluids will be drawn and analyzed by our Research and Recreation Director, Dr. Sidney Strangelove.

Your experience would not be complete without a visit to our magnificent alien spa, a thorough anal probe, and a complimentary colonoscopy. All guests will be provided with ample documentation of their alien abduction, plus a certificate of authenticity signed by Jose Canseco.

Family alien abduction packages are available as well as our favorite, Surprise Alien Abductions - the perfect gift for nagging spouses, obnoxious neighbors, and annoying bosses.

Call now and be the first one on your block to experience an Alien Abduction Vacation!

Chicken Soup For The Vegan Soul, Part I

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 14:10:19 -0400

Timmy Thomas was a child surfing prodigy. By age eleven, he was the Hawaiian junior champion, regularly beating other surfers two or three years older than him.

One early morning, Timmy was out surfing when a shark bit off his left arm. Miraculousy, Timmy not only survived, but he was back in the water surfing and competing less than six months after the shark attack.

Timmy's amazing story was an inspiration to thousands of people, reverberating way beyond the world of surfing. All the big talk shows wanted him, Hollywood wanted to make a movie about his life, and politicians wanted to have their picture taken with Timmy.

About a year later, Timmy was surfing and attacked by a shark, and this time he lost his right leg. Timmy again survived and experts said that he would never surf again.

Timmy was determined to prove the experts wrong, and he did, teaching himself to surf using his remaining arm and leg. The talk shows had him back on, the Hollywood scumbag machine revved back up, and the cockroach politicians begged for photo opportunities.

Despite all the madness, Timmy remained humble. All he wanted to do was surf - he was not comfortable being anyone's hero or celebrity.

Every morning, Timmy continued to paddle out slowly to his favorite surfing spot and catch a few waves. The years went by and people started to forget about Timmy until the day a shark bit off his remaining arm and leg.

Timmy was rushed to the hospital and though he lost a lot of blood, he defied the odds and pulled through. Experts predicted that this would surely be the end of Timmy's surfing career.

Timmy's friends and family rallied around Timmy, building him an adaptive surfboard and Timmy "the surfing stump" was born.

The Surfing Stump continues to inspire millions of people around the world. To donate to Timmy's "Save-A-Stump" Foundation, just call 1-800-STUMPY.

"Gonorrhea" From West Side Story

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 18:10:26 -0400

Gonorrhea

The most beautiful sound I have ever heard

All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word

GONORRHEA

I just met a girl with Gonorrhea

And suddenly that name

Will never be the same

To me

Gonorrhea

I just kissed a girl with Gonorrhea

And suddenly I found

How horrible a sound

can be

Gonorrhea

Say it loud and there's neighbors talking

Say it soft and you feel like coughing

Gonorrhea

I'll never stop saying

Gonorrhea, Gonorrhea...

The Crapping House - A Children's Tale

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 10:10:16 -0400

There is a house.

A crapping house,

Where everyone is crapping

"Jonathan! Be a dear and go check on grandma" said Jonathan's mom.

Jonathan crept up the stairs hoping to sneak up and scare Grandma into having another heart attack. This was one of Jonathan's favorite games, besides playing Texas Hold'em Poker with his beloved grandmother.

Loud snoring was coming from Grandma's room.

"This is going to be too easy," Jonathan thought to himself as he crawled into Grandma's bedroom.

On the floor next to Grandma's bed was an empty bottle of whiskey.

A terrible smell filled the room.

Grandma had gotten stinking drunk and crapped on herself again.

It would be several hours before Grandma woke up and Jonathan had an idea for a new game.

Jonathan climbed up on Grandma's bed, dropped his trousers, and crapped on Grandma.

Then Johnathan got the dog, lifted the small dog onto the bed, and the dog crapped right on top of Jonathan's crap, on top of Grandma.

Jonathan fetched the cat, and the cat took a crap on top of the dog's crap, on top of Jonathan's crap, on top of the still slumbering grandmother.

The pet hamster was next. The fluffy hamster took a crap on top of the cat's crap, on top of the dog's crap, on top of Jonathan's crap, on top of grandma.

Jonathan did not realize that his mother had been watching. Jonathan expected a big punishment.

Instead of yelling at Jonathan, his mom took off her dress (she wasn't wearing any panties) and crapped on top of the hamster's crap, on top of the cats' crap, on top of the dog's crap, on top of Jonathan's crap, on top of dear old grandma.

Suddenly grandma began to stir. The weight and smell of all the crap was overwhelming, even to Jonathan's grandmother, who had polished off a half bottle of Jack Daniels.

Grandma's loud screaming soon filled the bedroom. There would be no more crapping today in Jonathan's house.