Lunchlady 2's Open Salon Blog

Trying to Force Normal

Wed, 30 May 2012 16:05:15 -0400

School was out Friday, one more year down, one of the hardest years I have lived through in 30 plus years. A year filled with worry and death, a year filled with a show of love I was oblivious too until that moment. A year that I ended up faking my way through.

Always smiling, listening to words, but not hearing, seeing sights but not seeing, lost in a world of my own. realizing Friday as I broke down crying in my office how very strong I had to have been to survive it, to make others believe I was okay.

I was not, I am not, okay...

I find I can't hold a thought, I am slower than I should be, tireder than I should be and can't hold a conversation, finding I fade out mid talk and must pull myself back to reality every few seconds to force normal to appear as I "should" as is expected of me.

Maybe only expected of me, by me and a few people I work with and an uncaring husband but that is enough to keep me trying hard to keep this facade up, this shell around me only letting small amounts of death in at a time afraid if I accept to much I will die also or finally become the screaming mother throwing herself across the grave unwilling to ever leave again.

I keep my son's pictures in my room, leaving the ones in the hall up, stopping by them for memories, for better times, to keep him alive, even now the thought he is really dead catching in my throat.

I still wonder did the nurses find me uncaring when I stepped back while my son's heart stopped beating, that I made the decision alone, calling no family to drive the hours to be with us as he died. Did they judge me when I accepted the 5 Dr's opinion that my son was brain dead, not knowing I knew my son was gone when I walked in the room that morning. Mothers know these things..

I keep his number on my phone as deleting it would mean he was really gone, I keep his voice in my head, my heart, knowing I will not hear it again. I keep these thoughts tucked away safe only letting them out when they slip out, searching for a number I come across his, a piece of a TV show showing a body w/ a toe tag, my throat tightens, not my child, never my child. Cars trucks that drive by, I find I look is that my boy, hearing of wrecks my chest still tightens who was it, where was it, cars pulled over by the police I find I search is it my child. I know these are habits, years of habits and I don't know if I want them to stop or not. I don't want to forget...

The small things, the little comments at work about others children, their dreams and needing my advice, the one who comforts all they think, the one who knows the right words to say and says them all the while the voice is screaming in her head why do you ask me this don't you know I am dying inside, that my son is dead!

Thinking me so strong, or uncaring I guess I could seem as either...going to work when I should have/ could have stayed home but needing to work to stay sane. Being distracted by work a life saver and a curse all together.

I wanted NO I expected to grow old along my son, my first born, I expected I had already lost a child, my odds were good I would die before my children. Yet I also know, as a mother who knew her son, my boy would have not been able to survive without his mom, he would, like in my dream the other night, have gone back to the dark side, so for him I am thankful his quest is over in this life, this form, but I am still not able to accept it to believe it and need to continue to realize it in small tiny bits of acceptance.

I will return to being able to listen again and think a thought through with time, but for now I have decided I need to treat myself as injured, as my heart has been broken in two, slowly working my way back to this world, to choosing life and letting the guilt of still being alive while my son isn't slip from my consciousness as it was not my fault, it is what life does, no one makes it out alive and I will wake up, I will force myself to walk, to exercise, to live...

For this summer I have chosen to suspend forcing normal and let my child's death soak into my very soul, cry when I need to, and find a way to keep his memory alive forever.

An Angel's Footprint

Fri, 25 May 2012 08:05:58 -0400

This morning after crawling into bed at 4 pm last night and sleeping until this morning at 4am, waking to find 3 cats under my covers with me, surprise, the other at the foot of the bed, I went to feed them (the cats) the one can of cat food they get a day as a treat. I turned our crazy jack russells's electric blanket back on and then asked the husband why the car mechanic who is working on my truck called last night. I heard the phone, remember seeing his number light up and could not get up to ask, so asking found out my trucks cost has now gone into the $2000. area.

I lumbar back to the shower, as I am no longer in control of any of my muscles, I am that damn tired, and I talk myself through the shower, last day, last day, last day, and stepping out I start the rest of my routine.

I look down and there perfectly formed was a footprint by a little puddle of water from the shower, not my footprint, and yes I checked, but about a size 8 perfectly dainty footprint, next to but not in the water puddle from the shower. I sat down (yes on the toilet I was in the bathroom after all) and just stared at it and slowly I noticed a smile forming, not a happy, glad to see you smile, but more of an oh there you are kind of a smile....

I have, all my life, seemed to be being followed around by someone keeping me safe when I shouldn't have been, things that "tell" me, not through sound but through feelings, when not to do something, go somewhere, what to watch out for.

It was comforting this morning to know, to have been gently reminded, that I really am never alone, and everything will work out as it should.

I just felt I needed to share this as bad, hard times are coming and we all need something to hold tight too.

Looking for a picture to accompany this post led me to this article

http://archangelsanddemons.blogspot.com/2012/04/angel-footprints.html

Things that make you wonder.......is there a plan?

My ( step) Son Graduates

Thu, 24 May 2012 08:05:46 -0400

Last night my youngest son graduated, finally, high school, the cap, gown and tassel all in attendance, as well as my sister, her husband, my youngest daughter, her husband and my beautiful granddaughter. Well we are all pretty much a nice looking family, except for the hot flashes and such…

As he accepted his diploma from the continuation type high school I could not have been prouder and the ceremony with all of 20 students could not have been shorter or more perfect.

I had to come home to get to bed as I had work this morning, 4 in the morning is so early but they all went out for pizza and he spent the night at his sisters probably knee deep in a video game.

As I watched all this, participating, my mind would wander back to the fateful day I met their dad and found them living with an alcoholic, who left them to go to the bar, with a man I did not trust with a 7 year old girl. Mother’s instinct or not I worried for her. His family’s unwillingness to help except in each taking a child and these children were close really close, like all parents wants our children to be, added to the problem.

Then when this young man who graduated, who was three then, climbed into my arms and when asked what I shall do with you he answered “keep me”, I knew what I had to do.

Moving 3 and 4 year old boys and a 7 year old girl into my home, giving my 18 year old daughter the “master” bedroom for her own bathroom and some privacy and their dad and I taking the smallest room putting all three children on a mattress on the floor in the last bedroom. Have I mentioned I was working two jobs at the time and their dad was on welfare, we were poor, like happy to have food stamps poor.

I tried hard to make it work with their dad I truly did but an alcoholic has one aim in life and that is to be drunk so although he still lives with me I have let him go.

As for the young man who graduated last night, he was my most troubled child, at three already with anger issues, slamming doors, screaming fits until he got his own way. I realized this was from my daughter trying hard to raise her brothers and being only a child herself to keep her brother quiet she gave him what he wanted. I would have done the same thing, especially with a dad with anger issues. These two the most alike out of all the children….

I realized last night I did it, I have raised all my children to adulthood, I have been a mother bear to keep them safe many a night putting myself between them and their dad, sending them to their room, door closed, standing in front of it until he gave up and went away. I have kept them in new shoes and clothes without holes and fancy dresses or suits when called for. I have given them a loving aunt and uncle who showed them what love is and how to have fun, without them helping I don’t know if I would have done as well.

Would I change a thing, well besides the obvious ones, no I love these children as my own, they are mine as if I had birthed them, I could not love them any more than I do.

All I have left to do is get them and my birth daughter to bond and I will, I am not giving up on this one, she needs brothers and sisters and I need them to be together so she will never be alone.

I’m glad on that fateful night I met their dad, that I took that chance, that I rescued these children, my children, who have given me back much more than I have given them, who love me unconditionally and I them.

It has been a hard fought battle but with a very happy ending….

I Just Don't Know

Mon, 14 May 2012 08:05:02 -0400

Friday was supposed to be my day, I took off work, slept 13 hours and then drove up the hill to visit the graves of my mom and son...not your typical choice for a day off but something I felt I needed to do.

I bought these little windmill type birds, loaded Zena Bear in my truck and off we went. We stopped along the way and went for a walk taking pictures with my phone since the camera I brought along was dead, got back in the truck and up the hill we went.

One of the birds I bought, once there, would not turn right in the wind and no matter how hard I tried I could not get it to work right finally giving up I promised to bring another one up next trip.

I realized this was the first time I had been at the grave alone and I did have a very long talk with my son, my son's and a very good nose blowing cry a good way home.

I had just crossed the highway onto the back roads I take and my truck just died, just quit on me. I just sat there for a minute ready to just give up, done...only it was about 90 degrees, with no shade around and I had a 11 year old dog with me. I had to get her and my truck home. The husband was, as usual, useless so I hung up on him called 3A and an hour later was loaded onto a flatbed truck with no air conditioning ( did I mention it was HOT) and a very talkative young man for the hour drive home. What was nice as I sat there feeling sorry for myself was the many folks who stopped, even one school bus and when they heard I had a dog with me ( she is all black and I thought the windows down but her under cover of the truck best) they all gave me there half full bottles of water to give to her. I was surprised by how many stopped to offer help.

Once home I got on the computer gathered some information and decided my trucks distributor had frozen and I had possibly broke a timing gear. Big bucks came to mind...Big scary bucks that I don't have.

I sat through the big fight the following day between father and son as they "tried" to fix her waiting until they both quit, the son storming off the husband being his normal hateful self and then called 3A again to have her towed to our mechanic, who used to be one of my students at the school.

He has not called back BUT my youngest daughter called and I was telling her my tale of woe and she has said her and her brother, my Navy son will help me pay to get her out and when I posted on Facebook one of my oldest sons friends, the one who flew out from Georgia to attend the funeral, has offered to help me pay, saying I / we are family and he will gladly send what he can. I told him how thankful I was and I would let him know...

All this leading up to my going from thinking I have a black cloud hanging over my head to thinking how very lucky I have been in life to have the people I do around me. The school coming through with enough money to help bury my son when I always thought myself invisible. Children who have become adults that shared my children's lives still around me, still thinking me family.

I keep finding in life, when I feel at my lowest there is always somebody to show me how blessed I really have been...I keep discovering I am not the person I sometimes fear I may be.

I will find out today just how much damage a broken timing gear can do to a vehicle and I will relax a bit after I know she can be fixed. She CAN be fixed!!! I need to believe that. This summer I was going to have it changed and all my fluids changed too....damn.

All this darkness around me I always look for a message in, a reason I guess and this one has helped me see the light that are my friends and family and the need to go to my credit union and pay off and cut up all those cards I used to keep my son going towards happiness.

It is time to cut my losses woman up and get going towards retirement in the right way, in a way I can handle life's little wake up calls she loves to throw at us and still keep on keeping on....

Happy Birthday to my Daughter

Thu, 10 May 2012 08:05:47 -0400

First one more time HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Then I needed your address if you don't mind. I have some things old videos and such I am working on I hope to finish this summer I would love to send you.

I really miss you and know it is me that let us slip away from each other. I sometimes don't know how much of your life you are comfortable sharing with me so I thought maybe I would just try calling at least once a month and we can talk and if I ask something you don't want to tell me well you just don't have to tell me

I am so very proud of you and who you are, how you are, you are an amazing woman with a heart of gold and I love you.

I think I was always afraid to share you and Toddy's story with you but if you are ready so am I and I can write it all out for you so you have it but only if you want....

Lastly I hope your birthday is incredible and no one takes you to Chevy's and makes you wear a sombrero....I really thought you would find that special I really did....

I love you and I really would love to be a part of your life again and forget the past that I am so very sorry ever happened.

Love you forever, Mom

I sent this to my daughter this morning I wanted it to be light and true to who we were together before everything changed. My hope is she responds and gives her mom a chance to rebuild what we had.

My dream is that we laugh again together very soon.....