Lyle Bateman's Open Salon Blog

NPI Announces Bankruptcy Proceedings

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 14:12:47 -0500

TORONTO - Trading was briefly halted for shares of North Pole Industries (NPI: TSX) on the TSX Friday after a disasterous bankruptcy filing sparked a run on selling. When the dust settled, NPI shares were down nearly 90% since their highs in the early 2000's.

Citing recent massive losses, NPI CEO Mr. S. Claus announced Friday morning that NPI would seek bankruptcy protection from creditors. "It's been clear for a awhile now our business model was flawed," Claus admitted in the press conference after the filing.

Even for a company that routinely files 3 quarters of returns with high expenditures and practically no revenues, recent changes to the commercial landscape have made recent filings absolutely dismal. Claus admits NPI was caught flat-footed by the internet revolution in online sales.

"There's just no way my list can keep up with Amazon's automated ordering system," Claus said at a recent trade conference, in a rare moment of awareness. But analysts say the problems go much deeper than out-dated data handling models.

"Who uses actual people to build things anymore?" asked Martin Stales, head of a amrket analysis company. "Even Elves??? I mean, its all done by machines these days." "And production is the least of their problems," Stales continued. "Paying for a year's worth of reindeer feed for one night of deliveries is horribly inefficient. Surely FedEx would do a far more cost-effective job."

Most analysts concede the bankrauptcy isn't much of a surprise from a company who's last major innovation was a lighting system for his delivery vehicle. Still, analysts point out that even with Friday's news, NPI is still in many ways better off than another major Canadian firm. "At least Claus can usually put out product that people want to see under their tree," Stales concluded. "That's more than we can say for the Blackberry boys over at RIM."

Satan Clarifies Involvement in New Cheney Book

Fri, 2 Sep 2011 12:09:49 -0400

Satan sheepishly clarifies his involvement with Cheney: "I was just an observer."

In a second rare press conference in less than a week, Satan today came forward to clarify his previous statements regarding the Forward to Dick Cheney's recent book. In a statement that was widely viewed as a shocking departure for the Prince of Darkness, Satan confirmed that he spoke without permission at the recent press juncket for "In My Time," Cheney's explosive new memoir.

"In recent days," the Dark Lord began meekly, "it's been made clear to myself and my legal team that we stated our involvement with Mr. Cheney's book, and policies, too strongly." Clearing his throat, clearly uncomfortable in his uncommon secondary role Satan continued with his prepared statement before the assembled reporters. "While we were clearly WITH Mr. Cheney during many of the events covered by the new book, I need to make it clear that Satan and Underworld Inc were only involved in the project as interested observers. We want to be clear that Mr. Cheney was running the show the whole time."

While Satan refused to open the floor to official questions, the CEO of Underworld Inc did mill about with reproters after the event, informally enjoying a wine and cheese reception. "It's rare that I get out to social events," he candidly confessed, "and you have no idea how hard it is to find a well-chilled Chablis in Hell."

Many members of the press felt more was learned during the informal reception than the formal news conference. Requesting anonymity, one reporter from a major US daily reported Satan, on his 5th glass of Chablis, confessed that Cheney surprised even him. "I mean, usually, I'm the one in charge of things, you know?" the Dark Lord was quoted as lamenting. "But Dick, man ... he was coming up with shit that made MY horns curl." Satan reportedly shook his head, staring into his wine forlornly. "It's humbling to know that there's someone out there who can still teach me a few things," Satan mumbled, before being quickly escorted away from the event by his handlers.

In a rare unguarded moment, Cheney seemed to confirm Satan's secondary status in the events of the book. "Ya, he was there," Cheney said disdainfully, but really, the guy is a bit of an amateur. We liked his operation and his goals, but his methods were so outdated. We figured he could learn something to improve his own operations if we let him observe."

(Hat tip to the always genius Borowitz Report for the original "scoop" ... easy to run with such a well-thrown ball)

The Map of Non-Monogamy

Fri, 22 Oct 2010 07:10:20 -0400

There are few ways to represent complex territory better than a well-made map. While we usually associate maps with physical terrain like our town, our province, or our country, maps can be even more useful for conceptualizing abstract terrain. This map is an excellent example of that, as it attempts to map out the terrain of non-monogamy.

As a person who currently lives in Polyamorous Relationships, maintains a cabin in Swinging, and has taken a few past excursions to BDSM, I found this representation fascinating, and pretty accurate. I have a few small quibbles with it ... Sex Work should, at the very least, overlap with Swinging to some small degree, for one ... but overall, it charts out the abstract "location" of various aspects of non-monogamy very well.

If you're planning a vacation anytime soon, perhaps this map can help you plan a holiday in non-monogamy. There are excellent hotels in Swinging and Open Relationships, and while the B&B's in Polyamorous relationships can be tricky to book, the service is typically phenomenal if you can get in. Sex Work can be fun for a few days, though, like Vegas, it's not the sort of place where you sleep and relax. Go there for some balls to the wall fun perhaps, but book a flight to Open Relationships so you can detox in a nice quiet spa afterwards.

Hope you have fun. Pack light. It is Friday, after all. Could be a fun weekend getaway. Just pack your map so you don't get lost. Bon Voyage and Safe Journey.

How to write a lay science article in one simple lesson

Tue, 28 Sep 2010 01:09:27 -0400

The state of journalism in the world today is certainly questionable. While much of the mainstream media seem content to be court stenographers for the powerful elite classes, every once in awhile, some journalist manages to produce a work of such genius that it needs to be highlighted.

Such is the case with Martin Robbins' Sept 24th 2010 article in the UK's Guardian newspaper, This is a news website article about a scientific paper. In a stroke of genius, Robbins lampoons every lay-science article ever published in a newspaper by laying out in a very simple form exactly how to write a lay-science article.

The sub-head for the article lays out Robbins' intentions beautifully. "In the standfirst I will make a fairly obvious pun about the subject matter before posing an inane question I have no intention of really answering: is this an important scientific finding?" What follows is nothing short of sublime, as he lampoons every major cliche of lay-science writing.

"This fragment will be put on its own line for no obvious reason."

"At this point I will include a picture, because our search engine optimisation experts have determined that humans are incapable of reading more than 400 words without one."

"This paragraph contained useful information or context, but was removed by the sub-editor to keep the article within an arbitrary word limit in case the internet runs out of space."

Follow the link above for the rest of this wonderful article, and start your new career as a lay-science writer tomorrow. (Hat tip to Heather from Why Don't you Blog for pointing this out to me)

The New Chuckling Priestman - Jokers Comedy Club

Wed, 1 Sep 2010 13:09:42 -0400

The current incarnation of The Chuckling Priestman - Jokers Comedy Club, Old Hollywood, SL. Photo: Elron Priestman

Ever wanted to go out somewhere without leaving your house? Second Life gives you that chance. If you are looking for live music, but don't want to drive to the bar and put up with the noise, pull up a sofa and log into Second Life. You'll find musicians from all over the world performing live (well, "virtually" live) at all hours of the day and night.

Stand up comedy has been growing more slowly as SL entertainment, but SL comedy is a growing niche for the past 3 years. For much of that time, The Chuckling Priestman has provided a safe haven for comics in SL. Founded in May 2008 by two comics from Calgary, The Chuckling Priestman Comedy Club has been the go-to place for comedy in Second Life.

In recent months, a new club name Jokers sprung up on the grid, run by the wonderful Milou Adored. After a few months of successful shows, including some of the top names in SL comedy such as JW Steampunk, Joey Rookstown, and Declan Barnett, Milou and I have decided to join forces and merge The Chuckling Priestman and Jokers. The new club will run at Old Hollywood, in the bay, on inner tubes, as seen from the shot above.

Thursday nights at 7PM SLT (Second Life Time is the same as Pacific Time), The New Chuckling Priestman Jokers Comedy Club will continuing to present the best in SL comedy. Opening the new location this coming Thursday (Sept 2nd. 2010) will be JWheels Carver, the miracle man on wheels.

Come check us out. Through the years, The Chuckling Priestman and SL comedy have had some big names come through. One of the founding partners of the CP, Chuckling Darwin (aka Derek Sweet) is now one of the top new comics in Western Canada, having recently opened for Doug Stanhope. Orienalation Carver (aka Sami Shah) took his weekly show at the CP and turned it into a successful TV show on Pakistan's Dawn TV, News Weakly. You never know what future star will next walk across our stage.

Stand up comedy is a growing niche in the SL entertainment world. Come experience a live comedy show from the comfort of your living room every Thursday night at the New Chuckling Priestman. And look for more comedy on Friday nights starting Sept 17th when the Funny Bone Comedy Club re-opens its doors after a summer hiatus. Come to Second Life, for the best in stand up comedy, virtually live.