Marilyn Sands's Open Salon Blog

"I SUCK AT GIRLS" - Oh, not me...Virgin JUSTIN HALPERN!

Thu, 31 May 2012 11:05:38 -0400

In his quest for non-Virgin Status; young Justin Halpern; Comes of Age instead!

Only in America does a nerdy guy have phenomenal success on Twitter, write a Best Selling Book, get a TV Show based on that book that flops - and then gets another TV Show based on his 2nd Book "I Suck At Girls"!

Halpern's writing is flawlessly captivating - whether he's describing his dateless High School days, his horny Ibiza Trip, or his hilarious deflowering with a woman!

But not too many boys have a father like Justin! Some might call it abuse, tough love or a freaky way to nurture - but Justin's multi-million Tweets & 1st Book, "Sh** My Dad Says" celebrates Dear Old Dad's parental put-downs & expletive talk.

His father puts Confusious to shame! Even Wiseacre "2,000 Year Old Man" Mel Brooks said WTF!

That's right; he had lots of kids - and they never called! Oy!

Justin got thru the taunts & jabs of his father & if he's lucky; his own kids won't be born & want to go back in again like he did!

His father is not just funny - he's down right brilliant! Yet, it had me thinking - how many ways can you say Sh--? After awhile; I began to visualize him in a Toilet - laying off The Tidy Bowl Man!

I'm a believer of zero to a minimum of curse words showing the true worth of a Comedian - but this Gent seemed to drop them in ratio to these Pearls of Wisdom with just the right finesse.

What acerbated the Father/Son verbal volleys; was Justin's need to move back home with his parents at age 28. But even Justin admits his present success wouldn't have happened if he didin't & I wouldn't be writing this either!

Whether it was unsolicited advice on Growing Up or Growing Old between a man & a woman - the unbearably funny quotes keep coming at you as if you too were being pummeled with a dose of cynicism & ballsy humor from a Life Coach!

With Chapter Titles like, "When You're Married, Your Wife Sees Your Penis" & "You Will Never Screw A Woman Who Looks Like That" - you've got to see it to the end!

I loved this book; filled with Teen Angst & Unrequited Semen - and not the Nautical kind!

Young Justin never could catch a break when it came to girls - it took a whole book to applaud his epic intimacy deficit - but the Foreplay was worth it!

Even his Toddy-drinking Dad came through in the end. No; his dad hasn't stopped telling it like it is - now he has a Fan Base!

When I was that age, who knew what boys were thinking! But since reading this I've decided; it's better that way!

"THEY SHOOT HORSES, DON'T THEY"? Dancing With The Stars...

Fri, 25 May 2012 14:05:49 -0400

Having now watched all 14 Seasons of TV's "Dancing With The Stars" - because I love to dance, shake my booty & don't have a life - I was reminded of the 1969 Academy Award Nominee Movie "They Shoot Horses, Don't They", based on the 1935 Novel - about winning a grueling Depression-era Dance Marathon for a cash prize.

It's amazing how they both covet that Mirror Ball - one to be able to eat a Square Meal & the other for Media Exposure & to lose weight!

Starring Jane Fonda, Gig Young, Red Buttons, Michael Sazzazin, Susannah York, Bruce Dern & pregnant Bonnie Bedelia - this Movie focused on a disparate group of characters with numbers on their backs; literally dancing until they dropped...dead ...in some instances!

After a while; it didn't look like dancing - "clinging on" was the best they could do. Staying vertical was the metaphor for life; and if you can get past the sleepless agony - you will not forget this movie!

That's why it reminded me of this Season's "Dancing With The Stars" - it really should have been called "Slipped Disco" as the injured Hoofers pulled our heart strings with Concussions, Bloody Lips, Broken Bones, Thrown-out Backs, Whiplash - and that's.... just from the Backstage Sex!

And their body count & tally of injuries should now be classified as an Extreme Blood Sport!

After seeing the complicated Lifts, Drops, Spins & Throws - both the Wrestling Federation & Comic Sherry Shepard said, WTF!

And if our "Sympathy Quotient" wasn't enough; the Voting by the Judges and by the Home Viewers via Phone, Text & Carrier Pigeon - incorporated & exploited each & every Contestant's Back Story - from Sad, Very Sad to.... Give him a frigin' Telethon!

For the Male Contestants; Judge Bruno Tonioli had his own titillating Criteria: "Take off your shirt & you'll get an 8, a 9 if I can wear it & a 10 - if I can show you my Dancer's Dictionary"!

And then there was the dancer who refused to get on stage when he felt his crotch & forgot his Cup - no sorry...that was last year's Chaz Bono!

And of course; there were the usual number of Wardrobe Malfunctions! You know; that's when your breast suddenly pops out & you remember Grandma is watching!

Look who's talking; in my day - I did that on purpose!

But for the Losers; there are Perks & laughs for us: Neglected brother Rob Kardasian, was just named a Judge in the Miss USA Pageant, Bristol Palin, just got her own Reality Show & Cloris Leachman - got to stay home & soak her feet!

Well, I don't know about you, but I can't wait to hear who will be next Season's Stars & marvel once again - how One Yard of material can be fashioned with one lonely Snap that at any moment can turn this All-American Gyrating Farce into Porn!

No Photo! Are you crazy...and ruin my Rep?

"POT SPILL"...Fish Flounder just for The Halibut!

Tue, 22 May 2012 14:05:34 -0400

May 21, 2012 L.A. Times Newspaper

"4 TONS OF POT FOUND IN THE OCEAN"

"Local and federal authorities spent several hours (I bet) Sunday recovering more than 160 bales of marijuana discovered floating in the Pacific Ocean. A flotilla of official boats eventually hauled in more than 8,000 pounds & unloaded it at Dana Point Harbor.

The bales were found bobbing in the water about 13 miles from shore with no vessel nearby".

Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean

"FREDDY & FRIEDA'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE"

FREDDY

Don't Flounder around like that, Frieda!

FRIEDA

I told you I can't swim!

FREDDY

Don't tell me you've been treading water since Philly!

FREDDY

Somebody's using Stink Bait!

FRIEDA

Why are you doing "The Dead Man's Float" - I've seen it & I'm not impressed!

FREDDY

"Dooby dooby doo..."

FRIEDA

I don't suppose you want to Spawn, do you?

FREDDY

I vant to be abalone!

FRIEDA

You don't want to swim upstream anymore?

FREDDY

Been there, done that! That's like..."Long Walks on the Beach!

FREDDY

Here - does that tickle?

FRIEDA

Whoop-de-do! Don't start something you can't finish!

FREDDY

Stop Carping, Frieda!

FRIEDA

There goes a Mahi - and another Mahi!

FREDDY

Look, a Message in a Bottle!

FRIEDA

What does it say, what does it say?

FREDDY

"Don't use any Heavy Machinery"!

FREDDY

I'm telling you - there's something in the water!

FRIEDA

Salt Substitute?

FREDDY

No! I can't get enough of this Algae - in fact; you're startin' to look good too!

FRIEDA

You used that line yesterday; don't you remember?

FREDDY

That was you?

FRIEDA

Your eyes are red, Fred!

FREDDY

But I like California!

FRIEDA

But they're treating our home like a Landfill! Look - Styrofoam, Condoms, Blog Editors!

FREDDY

C'mon Frieda - you can't get Sushi like this in The Chesapeake!

FRIEDA

Well then - I'm gonna need Botox!

FREDDY

I hate to be the one to tell ya; but I think it's too late!

"VIBRATORS" - You Don't Have To Cook Them Breakfast!

Fri, 18 May 2012 11:05:07 -0400

It's all about "Hysteria" - the Movie; not my reaction to the Bathroom Mirror this morning! ha ha

The Movie is a tale of a cautious man & a liberated woman brought together by the wonders of friction.

Or simply "Boy Meets Girl - Girl Meets Vibrator" Story!

Who better to write a review about Sex Toys! Santorum? Well, he passed; so you're left with me!

I'm qualified - in my Stand-Up Act in the 80's; a couple of times I donned Dr. Ruth's get up & read Q & A's from 3x5 cards as the pint-sized Sexpert with a giggle - remember it's the 80's!

"Velcome to Goot Sex. I'm Dr. Ruth. Put the kids to bed & let's talk dirty".

"Can a girl get pregnant just by heavy petting"?

"Only if she's a Dog". Hee hee

"Vat do you think of Vibrators"?

"Feh! Vhat's this...a Jerman Jackhammer? No! It's just more automation - takes jobs avay from healthy men"!

For those who can't get enough of Victorian Era Movies; this one's for you!

Women will be quietly thinking, "I'll have what she's having! And Men will be smirking; while being royally ~~screwed~~ Outsourced! Come to think of it guys; maybe you ought to stay home!

But no - it's Date Night & this is a must-see Romantic Comedy; if only to see so many women in the audience with Bags on their heads! Or better yet - save a Bag & rent the Video!

Even though there weren't any "Naughty Bits" uncovered; it was hard sitting in a Theatre & watching this film with so many people around - so it should be really dark!

Well it was; but I missed half the movie - I was giving "The Heimlich" to a Popcorn Scoffer Dad! Yeah, it was so dark - a man & his young son walked into the wrong frigin' Cineplex!!

Along with a star-studded Cast - marvelous Maggie Gyllenhaal of "Crazy Heart" & "Secretary"; is at her best and with this performance; has the spunky opposition of Victorian prudishness wrapped up like a gift for us all.

As the true story goes; in 1880 Dr. Mortimer Granville (Hugh Dancy) teams with Dr. Dairymple (Jonathan Pryce), a Specialist in women suffering afflictions of the female nervous system known as "Hysteria".

I can just feel the women of today cringing at the thought of this "Expert" diddling with our Frigidity, Nymphomania, Insomnia, Anxiety & Melancholia, Baby! I'm sorry!

They also mentioned Fluid Retention, Irritability & a Tendencey to cause trouble - and I thought my Medical Records were safe!

Before this doctor's happenstance invention of the first Electro-Mechanical Vibrator; the doctor's cure was "Manual Massage" which was shocking; but effective.

I kid you not - the doctors had to give up the research due to extreme hand cramps!

As you can imagine; it had the women queuing around the block - and they were in Line too!

In fact in 1859; a quarter of women suffered from it; and the other 75% ate Haagen Dazs! I'm just assuming!

"Hysteria" is not smutty or dirty - it's lighthearted & charming. But I've got to admit, at the Box Office; a pretty hard sell.

Shocking to some; Campy to others & titillating to Grandpa - if only he could find his "Get-Lucky Feather"!

But most of all; it reminded me of Woody Allen's great line, "Is Sex dirty? Only if you do it right"!

"OUR 1ST GAY PRESIDENT" Stole My 1980's Jokes! **

Thu, 17 May 2012 15:05:02 -0400

** Okay, Borrowed 'em!

As you can imagine; Russ Limbaugh has been orgasmic since calling Obama "The 1st Gay President" - but I'm afraid it's caught on & gonna stick!

While Obama didn't plan for this Moniker to be on his limo's Bumper Sticker or sum up his 2012 Platform; unfortunately it's now a buzz word & he has to go with it!

It's amazing; even with Michelle's wrath & resistance - the President has still decided to play along with Russ just to feed the Beast.

But for me; this was personal! He summoned me to dig up my 1980's San Francisco Stand-Up Jokes, to use when he criss-crosses America in his Campaign.

He told Joe Biden his aim is to remove the stigma & get the heartland accustomed to the humor of the folks he now fully represents! And Joe said, "Okay - I'll be in the Oval Office practicing"!

Believe me; I pleaded with Obama not to do this; but you know Barack - like a dog with a bone!

First Stop - Floyd, Iowa:

PRESIDENT OBAMA

Hell...o Floyd!

"Michelle's Gynecologist, Dr. Mel Practice told me he likes to examine Lesbians best - because they Talk Sports"!

That's okay - I'll try it again later!

"I was just in San Francisco! I really liked it there - where else could you go to a "Sperm & Cheese Tasting Party"?

Let it out Grandma!

"Ever see their "Personal Ads"? Hung. Well Hung...I don't know - everybody's into Drapes around there"!

Curtains, Blinds? C'mon, laugh it up!

"It's different there all right...and what a hassle at the Airport...you have to go through...Costumes"!

I write 'em, I don't explain 'em!

"And they seem to have especially good hearing! I was on a Bus & one guy said, "I wanna get off" & everybody on the Bus turned around"!

Now I see the level of this crowd! I mean you both!

"It's Cosmopolitan, all right! It's the only town where almost everybody's been a broad"!

Folks - what else you got to do today?

And I got to see my first Orgy! But there was a lot of pressure at the Party...they had a "2 Orgasm Minimum"! No Cover. No Pillow!

Well, you should have heard them in Cedar Falls!

"One guy there thought there was "A Maximum" & had to be rushed home with a Tongue Splint"!

Oh, screw it!

"I've never seen anything like it...this guy in love with himself brought his own Rear View Mirror"!

No, I won't mail a letter!

"Randy was the only Paid Entertainment. He had a Blow Job. You know..."Animal Condom Creations" - you should have seen "MINNIE & MICKEY" in Beige"!

Oh, Hell...

Don't forget me in November. I'll be the Black guy!

You've been great! Thank you very much!