Monsieur Chariot's Open Salon Blog

Introducing the new Masturphone™

Wed, 13 Jul 2011 15:07:39 -0400

_{^{· The Professional Gentleman ·}}

^{In the classroom, at the bus stop, at church, in the courtroom:}

^{my new iBanana™ Masturphone™ makes every}

^{moment an intimate, fun, personal moment!
Masturphone™ is all about me! - User Testimonial}

Me. Now. Masturphone™

^{Why make phone calls — when you can Masturphone™}

^{instead? iBanana's™}^{copious Featurgasm™ technology makes}

^{communication a thing of the past! - User Testimonial}

Soon there will be two kinds of
people. Those who make phone calls and
those that Masturphone™

^{It's about priorities. And iBanana's™ Masturphone™}

^{demonstrates my priorities to family and friends! Don't bother}

^{me while I'm Masturphoning!™}^{- User Testimonial}

Don't call. Masturphone™

^{Instant Turn-On™ Technology lights up my}

^{Masturphone™ the moment I bring it near my lips!}

^{I can't keep my hands off it! - User Testimonial}

Go ahead. Touch it.

Fondling is believing.

Masturphone™

^{Status? iBanana™ is all about status.}

^{In the office, on the train, in a public park: my big,}

^{new Masturphone™ shows the world it's time for}

^{my personal business. - User Testimonial}

Miniaturization is out. Huge is in.
The iBanana™ Masturphone™

^{I misplaced it once for two hours — and it left me}

^{writhing in agony! As long as I can Masturphone™ I'm as}

^{serene as can be. All day long! - User Testimonial}

Redesigned. Reengineered. Re-inserted. Masturphone™

^{When the world gets to be too much, I can take it out and}

^{fiddle with it! I like to leave the iBanana™ Masturphone™ on}

^{my lap for casual and unfettered access! - User Testimonial}

Your world. In your lap. Masturphone™

^{My husband says I'm always twiddling all}

^{those darling little Masturphone™ fiddle-diddles!}

^{I just can't help myself! - User Testimonial}

Fiddle. Diddle. Spittle.

The iBanana™ Masturphone™

^{War, homelessness, global warming — today's world is so full of}

^{trivial distractions! The new Masturphone™ from iBanana™ helps me to}

^{stay focused on what's important. Me. - User Testimonial}

Engineered for the Self-seeking Class.

That's you. That's Masturphone™

^{I like to poke those shiny little buttons for hours and hours!}

^{No matter how much I use and abuse it, iBanana's™ new}

^{Masturphone™ never wears out! - User Testimonial}

So many features you'll have to grow an extra finger.

Masturphone™

^{I can't stop playing with it! - User Testimonial}

Big. Bigger. Biggest. Masturphone™

^{I love iBanana's™ sleek new pouch — made from Sustainable}

^{Indonesian Monkey Fur.™ It protects my new Masturphone™}

^{while protecting the environment! - User Testimonial}

iBananovation™

^{No matter the occasion, you'll find me}

^{fondling my new iBanana™ Masturphone™! There's}

^{always something to do with my hands — and no messy}

^{social interactions required! - User Testimonial}

Self-stimulating. The all new Masturphone™

From iBanana™

^{Before iBanana™ I was unfulfilled. But the new}

^{Masturphone™ changed everything! There's so much}

^{to see, to touch, to investigate: all in one big}

^{device right there on my lap! - User Testimonial}

Exploring places you never thought you'd go.

Masturphone™

^{New Sext-2-Me™ Security Technology ensures all of my}

^{sext-messages are sent to someone who really wants them — me!}

^{No provider contract required! - User Testimonial}

Masturphone.™ Big. Bold. Turbocharged.

Just like you.

^{When hands are busy, iBanana's™ new}

^{Lingus-Engineering™ feature allows me to manipulate the}

^{Masturphone™ with my tongue! - User Testimonial}

From the Mind of iBanana™

_{^{. . .}}

_{^{© Monsieur Chariot 2011}}

^{More from Monsieur Chariot:}

^{A Life in Pictures (pt 1)

A Life in Pictures (pt 2)}

^{Cherished, Handwritten Notes}

Cherished Handwritten Notes

Fri, 17 Jun 2011 13:06:02 -0400

Gentlepersons of distinction refuse to let new-fangled technologies trample the time-worn! No more excuses! It is high time we reclaimed the Art of the Meticulously Handwritten Note!

Too busy you say? If one makes time for sumptuous table-settings or Broderie Anglaise needlework, one can certainly fine the odd afternoon or two for the creation of perfectly hand-lettered missives to cherished friends, esteemed associates and various others!

Perhaps you think no one writes notes anymore. Bosh! Despite the advent of cellphone photography, there are countless persons who still prefer elaborate oil portraiture as a means of capturing the likenesses of loved ones. The minuet remains a most popular dance, regardless of the increasing acceptability of the frug. Does one watch television when The Barber of Seville opens at the opera~house? I should think not!

And if one's handwriting is a tad spidery, one need only employ a personal, live-in calligrapher for the refined scripturalism. Don't know which stationary to use? Why, parchment, of course. And the classic, feather-quill pen is de rigueur!

Personally, M. Chariot prefers the hand-delivered note over hasty post-officious mailings. What better way to underline your communiqué than with penetrating eye-contact as you proffer an extravagantly beribboned scroll to your lady friend? A deep bow is never out of place.

Reaching out to others is the most sublime form of human endeavor, and if one thinks note-writing is for women only, I can assure you you're mistaken. Real men may not write notes — but gentlemen certainly do!

A handwritten letter is the glue that keeps tenuous romance from fragmenting into a thousand, tiny particles, swirling round-and-round in a soul-sucking vortex of deep-space oblivion. Plus, it lets us show that we care. Deeply — ever, ever so deeply!

Below, a few of my most cherished hand-written notes

from the very dearest of friends.

_{^{. . .}}

_{^{© Monsieur Chariot 2011}}

_{Monsieur Chariot's}

_{A Life in Pictures, Part One}

_{Monsieur Chariot's}

_{A Life in Pictures, Part Two}

A Life in Pictures (pt 2)

Mon, 13 Jun 2011 12:06:45 -0400

_{Pressed Roses from}

_the_{estate gardens at Libellules. c. 1901}

Tedious excavations of the libraries at Libellules, my childhood home in Paris, continue. I have unsealed several locked, cobweb-laced rooms on the caverneux 10th floor. Here I find tall crates full of elaborately framed portraits, swiftly returned by the Musee d' Orsay when the Chariot family began to... come down in the world. Musty piles of dried flower-books, broken mementos, faded daguerrotypes, cartes de visite from God-knows-where, and mouldering piles of stained polaroids brought forth complex childhood memories, which I shared with readers in A Life in Pictures, Part One.

In this latest installment — A Life in Pictures, Part Two — I present more blithesome reveries of the author's youth: student days, holiday adventures, romantic interludes... and first marriage.

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Mercí!

Part Two: Youth

_{"A way with the ladies"}

_{The author as student charmer. c. 1904}

_{I was well-known thanks to lengthy self-introduction letters,}

_{painstakingly written in longhand,}

_{to aristocratic girls I wished to meet in person.}

_T_{he prestigious École Garçons Dérangés,}

_{in the hilly region on the outskirts of Paris, where}

_{Father arranges to have me installed. Here, new, experimental}

_{supplementations are rigorously enforced. c. 1905}

_{"Young man about campus" c. 1907}

_{I'm youth, I'm joy, I'm a little bird}

_{that has broken out of the egg. ~ James M. Barrie}

_{"A passion for sports"}

_{The Badminton Club at}

_{École Garçons Dérangés, Paris. c. 1915}

_{A flair for badminton catapults me}

_{into the social-popularity stratosphere,}

_{until a tragic shuttlecock accident}

_{cuts short my career in athletics.}

_{Debut, La Danse Dément. 1923}

_{Annual ball which brought together students}

_{from École Garçons Dérangés and the}

_{prestigious École Filles Névrotiques. I was unable}

_{to attend, having been hospitalized,}

_{on the occasion, for unusually sweaty hands.}

_{Summer holiday at Maison du Rances. 1925}

_{Home of Mother's friend the Marquess du Rances}

_{and her three ravishing, blonde daughters:}

_{Hélène, Sandrine and Marie-France.}

. . . . .

_{It is always incomprehensible to a man}

_{that a woman}_{should ever refuse}

_{an offer of marriage. ~ Jane Austen}

_{Hélène du Rances. 1925}

_{Creative and eccentric, Hélène had a passion for poetry,
cruciferous vegetables and uncontrolled weeping.}

_{A compliment is like a kiss}

_{through a veil. ~ Victor Hugo}

_{Sandrine du Rances, provocateuse. 1927}

_{"I adore fellatio, little man."}

_{Enjoyed a stellar career in politics.}

_{Marie-France du Rances. 1928}

_{"A sense of wonder."}

_{A formidable coloratura recruited by the Palais Garnier,}

_{Marie-France threw herself, after one problematic performance,}

_{into the Seine. Failing to drown, she suffered phobias around}

_{running water fore'er after. I once had to drag her,}

_{in a raving lunacy, from the ladies' toilet at the Palais, after}

_{two innocent persons flushed simultaneously.}

_{Mentally unstable.}

. . . . .

_{"Finding myself" c. 1932
Returned to École Garçons Dérangés after}

_{that splendid summer, I self-administer}

_{Warburg's Tincture mixed with Laudanum.}

_{For one brief moment,}

_{Life is a cock-a-hoop carousel!}

_{Why not seize the pleasure at once?}

_{How often is happiness destroyed by preparation,}

_{foolish preparation! ~ Jane Austen}

_{Computer Users Network Testing Society. 1947}

_{Under pressure from Mother and Father, I join the Society,}

_wh_{ere I undergo professional training formally}

_{required for blogging internship at Open Salon.}

_{Work spares us from three evils:}

_{boredom, vice and need. ~ Voltaire}

_{First marriage, Notre Dame. 1951
The reception is conducted at the}

_{Prieuré de Saint-Cyr, a castle near Paris, and attended by}

_{700 of Father's very most intimate friends and associates}

_{(Mother fails to appear). There are seventeen orchestres de chambre,}

_{elegant cocktail soirees in formal dress,}

_{magnificent luncheons under fluttering emblems}

_{and sumptuous dinner parties 'neath elaborate marquees.}

_{My wife was the daughter of minor Italian nobility who held}

_{most of their property in the hill town of}

_{San Miniato near Florence. For the}

_{life of me I cannot remember her name.}

_{Life is the flower for which}

_{love is the honey. ~ Victor Hugo}

_{"Establishing a career" 1960}

_{One of many important business colloquies at}

_{Café de Flore, where I meet regularly with intellectuals,}

_{financiers, artists and various gentleman friends.}

_{"New directions" 1966}

_{I leave behind Business Finance to dance}

_{with Peru Negro in Zamba Malato,
Dorothy Chandler Pavilion in Los Angeles.}

_{Unable to withstand the long separations required}

_{by a touring company, my marriage collapses.}

. . . . .

_{Take thy beak from out my heart,}

_{and take thy form from off my door!}

_{Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore." ~ Edgar A. Poe}

_{Divorce. 1971
I get a nosejob.}

_{"A Blaze Set by a Match Struck in Hell"}

_{Le Monde reports that Father's foundation,}

_{The Chariot Institute at Shush Castle}

_{burns to the ground under}

_{mysterious circumstances. Switzerland. 1985}

_{^{. . .}}

A Life in Pictures (pt 1)

Mon, 16 May 2011 11:05:27 -0400

I am continually asked by readers for photographic accompaniment to the veiled snippets of autobiography I present here on Open Salon. To that aim, and in order to salvage the visual record from decrepitude, I submit the following selections from family photo albums unearthed several months ago at Libellules — my childhood home on the outskirts of Paris.

A perusal of daguerrotypes, cartes de visite, antique walnut stereoscopes and polaroids released many a memory from the festering lockbox of the mind, which I propose to share with you now.

The series, A Life in Pictures, will be presented in installments.

Part One: Childhood.

_{Myself in a baby carriage. c. 1887}

_{The nimble handmade lace which adorns the parapluie}

_{fascinates me, especially when I learn it has come}

_{from a convent in le Puy. As an infant,}

_{I adore detail work.}

_{Maison des Libellules, on the}

_{outskirts of Paris. c. 1880}

_"Home"

_{The governess, Mlle Auchon. 1890}

_{I admired everything about her.}

_{In La Ville-Lumière there lived a maid,
Who once was a governess,
For one great day in a humble life,
She thought, had seen her blessed!
The sailor boy who'd read her note,
Who'd plucked it out from the sea,
And routed the Spanish Armada - 'Thanks
To Napoleon, and me!}

_{The author on a childhood visit to the}

_{Bois de Boulogne in the late 19th century.}

_{A stop at the ménagerie left me sniffling;}

_{I was soon to realize I was allergic to animals}

_{and other commonplace entertainments.}

_{I would have nothing of stuffed or wooden toys;}

_{instead, I was obsessed with fine artworks,}

_{cambistry, precious gems,}

_{subtle sartorial distinctions}

_{and literature.}

_{Mother, a great and vivacious beauty. 1891}

_{Depicted with one of her favorite jewels.}

_{For as long as I can remember, any discussion}

_{of mother has been strictly verboten.}

_{Father, The Marquis Chariot,}

_{Noblesse de chancellerie.}₁₈₉₅

_{"Held me at arm's length"}

_{Father's foundation in Switzerland}

_{The Chariot Institute at Shush Castle. c. 1898}

_{Here, under imposing gothic spires, studies are}

_{performed on the criminally insane. Many modern}

_{modalities such as lobotomy, shock treatment}

_{and waterboarding are based on The Chariot Method.}

_{Childhood sweetheart, melting first love,}

_{the Comtesse de Boulainvilliers}_{. 1894}

_{Enjoyed many childhood games on the estate grounds,}

_{sweet fantasies in which she employed vast and subtle}

_{psychological characterizations to embroider}

_{her roles as "princess" or "fairy". Fell down a well,}

_{but the body was never found.}

_{Cemetery and chapel on the estate at Libellules. 1892}

_{Where the Comtesse and I spent countless childhood hours,}

_{capturing and cataloguing insects according to a classificatory}

_{system based entirely on the structure of the mouthparts.}

_{Maypole at Libellules. 1893}

_{Perceptive readers will recognize the Duc d'Auvergne,}

_{the Marquess de Mercœur, Vicomte d'Alençon,}

_{Baroness de Clermont-Tonnerre and the}

_{Comtesse de Berry among the noceurs, several}

_{of whom tragically met their end at Libellules.}

_{A favorite snapshot of the governess. 1896,}

_{taken by the author at age 10.}

_{It was around this time I developed a keen interest}

_{in The Fine Arts, spending innumerable private}

_{hours with Mlle Auchon, who tirelessly}

_{indulged my most strident artistic directions.}

_{Classmates at L'École des Roches, Paris. 1899}

_{Bourgeois bullies and nouveau riche daemons, all.}

A Life in Pictures, Part Two

will focus on student days,

youthful adventures, romantic interludes

and first marriage.

_{PLEASE NOTE:}

_{With an eye to propriety,}

_{A Life in Pictures, Part Two}

_{will be available by password only,}

_{which will be emailed to}

_{commenters on Part One.}

_{^{. . .}}

Obama Hero

Tue, 3 May 2011 00:05:03 -0400