MoominMamma's Open Salon Blog

Getting Ready

Fri, 11 Feb 2011 21:02:50 -0500

Hormones - It's What's for Dinner!

Got home yesterday and my GF had kindly unpacked the large refrigerated box of medications and stuck them on a shelf in the fridge - this is how they looked before I sorted them out and moved them to a crisper drawer. This is several thousand dollars worth of fertility drugs which I am lucky to have only had to pay about $1,000 for, thanks to my amazing healthcare coverage.

As you can see... I am preparing for an IVF, at long last. The cycle will probably start around Feb 28, and then the egg retrieval and embryo transfer procedures will probably be the week of March 14. My birthday is that week, as well, so I'm excited that this is all finally happening :-) Not much will be happening until then so this is just a quick note to get me back in the habit of posting here.

What's happened since I last wrote? Well, I assisted at a hypnobirth class last fall, met a lot of amazing pregnant couples who were planning on using hypnosis for their births, and ended up meeting my first doula client. I assisted at the hospital birth of her daughter in October - it was an amazing experience which I will blog about another time. I just assisted at another 4 week session of hypnobirthing classes and may have a new client, who is planning a home birth at the end of March. I'm thrilled at the chance to assist her and see a midwife in action. I will of course have a backup doula in case she goes into labor the week before, when I am having my IVF. But I hope that doesn't happen because I don't want to miss it!

In other news, I spent most of December and the beginning of January taking care of my dad after he had emergency surgery for an aortic aneurysm that was hemorrhaging and had started to tear. He was very lucky to survive and is doing well, but I spent 5 weeks helping him recover. Now I'm back home (we live on opposite sides of the country) and trying to get back to my normal routine and also recover and catch up from what was a very intense time. Taxes are done, to-do list is getting shorter, and all of my miscellaneous appointments will be out of the way soon, so all I have to do then is work, see my fertility acupuncturist twice a week, and get pregnant. Oh, and have a birthday party!

See you next month...

Love,
M

A New Chapter

Wed, 7 Jul 2010 19:07:19 -0400

TMI warning. Just sayin'. Read at your own risk.

I found out on June 18 that the fetus, which was about 15mm, or just under the diameter of a dime, had stopped growing and had no heartbeat. Although I could have waited for the tissue to come out on its own during a normal, but heavy period, I chose to have a D&C so we could send the tissue for genetic testing and have a better chance of getting clear results.

I was sad but felt that my body was doing what it needed to do, and unlike my first miscarriages which left me wondering if I could even sustain a pregnancy, this time I felt that there was simply something wrong with the fetus, and I would just have to try again. But I had been pregnant for almost three months and I finally felt confident that I could be pregnant again. I was really down on the weekend after we found out, but I was only sad... not traumatized this time 'round.

Meanwhile I have not made much progress on the Doula training front - but having my own miscarriage experience will be valuable for when I am supporting other women, so I know that journey too will unfold at its own pace.

Thursday June 24

I did not eat or drink anything after midnight, and was very thirsty in the morning. We arrived at the surgical center at 9:30. At 10:20 they took me back, prepped me, and started an an IV with fluids and antibiotics to reduce the risk of infection.

I relaxed in a small wheeled bed (what do they call these?) behind a curtain and waited for about an hour, half-listening to the conversations between the doctors and other patients. Then the nurse, the anesthesiologist and my doctor came in and rolled me me into surgery.

They had me move myself from the bed to the surgical table (I don't know what anything is actually called!) which was challenging with my gown and blankets and IV tubes getting tangled, but it was ok. Then the anesthesiologist put an oxygen mask on my face and began injecting the anesthetic into my hand. My doctor said, "This might burn" and the anesthesiologist said it shouldn't, and then it did. Ouch! It burned and my doctor held my hand and had me count to ten, I remember getting all the way to ten and then I was under.

I woke up in recovery, very sleepy and for some reason started sobbing hard and asking why I was crying. They told me it was a reaction to the anesthesia, that some people woke up shouting. It wore off quickly and then they brought my girlfriend in to see me which was wonderful. She stayed with me until they felt I was ready to sit up - they helped me sit in a chair and checked to see how much I was bleeding, which wasn't bad.

My doctor let me see the tissue - there wasn't much to see, just what looked like about a cupful of blood, nothing identifiable. I had requested ahead of time to see it, but I wanted to see as much as I could.

They gave me painkillers, but I did not need them, I only took 2-3 Advil every 4 hours. I had several cramps that were more like contractions over the next few days, and then cramping for about a week, then daily bleeding... kind of like having a neverending light period. I rested and took it easy for a few days, then worked from home for the following week.

Tuesday June 29

At my first post-op followup, we could see that most of the tissue was gone, and the hemorrhagic cysts on my ovaries were shrinking. Everything was looking good.

Later that day, after many phone calls, I also got confirmation from my insurance company that I was approved for IVF - so instead of having to do two more IUIs, I could start planning for my first IVF. This was really good news for two reasons - one, the odds are so much better - and two, there is a chance that I can "bank" a few frozen embryos towards the possibility of a sibling for a few years down the road. Being the only child of an only child, on my father's side, I'd at least like the option of having more than one kid. We'll see how it goes... but it was great news, and it was really wonderful for my healing process, to be able to be thinking and planning and looking forward to the next steps.

Friday July 2

At my second post-op followup, we could see that almost all of the tissue in my uterus was gone, and the cysts were almost completely gone as well. We talked with my doctor about the IVF procedure and began to get a picture of how much things would really cost.

It will be a challenge. Even with the insurance coverage and the low rates of my particular clinic (for which I am very grateful) I will still have to come up with about $7,000 out of pocket for the first IVF, and I don't yet know how I am going to do that! A subsequent embryo transfer using frozen embryos would be about another $5,000 (so I would do this either for a second child, or as a second attempt if the first one does not take.) I still feel lucky, 'though, as most couples have to pay $15-20,000 for each IVF and a gay male couple trying to have their own baby can cost $200,000, as they have to pay both the egg donor and the surrogate mother.

I would be able to have my first embryo transfer as soon as August, if I can afford it, but my feeling is that I'd like to have a normal period befor starting a (two-month long) IVF cycle. So I think the earliest I would do it would be September... but if I have to wait for financial reasons, it might be as long as January before I begin.

The advantages of waiting longer are that I can have a break from the stresses of babymaking, and can have plenty of time to get as healthy as possible before trying again (which will hopefully minimize some of the pregnancy related discomforts I was experiencing.) I can also save up and be less stressed about the finances. The disadvantage of course is that I am almost 40, so there's a sense that at this age every month counts.

I've decided that if it all comes together and I find that I can afford it this fall, I will do it, but if I can't, then I will go with the flow and wait until January. I'm feeling ok with whatever happens.

Also, as my body returns to normal, I am kind of enjoying the break from being and trying to get pregnant. I did not gain any weight during the first trimester (my weight just kind of shifted - I think my butt, thighs, and upper arms got smaller while my breasts and belly got bigger.) I was also lucky and had relatively little nausea. HOWEVER. I have a tipped uterus, retroverted in fact, which apparently aggravated the usual pregnant woman's complaint about constipation and caused additional pain and discomfort as my uterus was rubbing and pressing hard, well, into my butt, which was so painful I literally was only sleeping every other or every third night. For two months. Seriously, I was a zombie.

Since the D&C? I've slept every night. Best part of being pregnant? Looking forward to having a baby. The rest of it, frankly, sucked. Supposedly my tipped uterus would have straightened out sometime in the second semester - I hope that happens next time round. Meanwhile I am going to get some help from my doctors and try to prevent this from getting so bad next time. Don't get me wrong - I would have gladly dealt with it for 9 months if I could have had a baby at the end of it... but having a break from the constant pain and sleep deprivation is a bit of a consolation. I'm grateful and will take this opportunity to get healthy and happy and ready for the next attempt.

Wednesday July 7

It will be two weeks tomorrow since the D&C. I am still bleeding! I would love for it to stop soon, but at least I am not crampy and don't need Advil any more.

Today I got back the genetic testing results on the tissue samples they collected during the D&C. The fetus was male, and had Trisomy 15, an extra 15th chromosome. This is considered a rare genetic defect, and it just happens sometimes. A trisomy 15 fetus is rarely able to develop fully, and will usually result in an early miscarriage. There's no known cause or cure, although in general, miscarriages due to chromosomal abnormalities are more common among women over 35... So it may take a few more tries for someone my age before having a pregnancy that results in a healthy baby, but I still believe the key is to keep trying and trust that it will happen eventually. It seems to me this is a natural part of the process, that part of having a healthy baby is NOT having an unhealthy baby, so I am grateful that nature took care of things as it should.

I'll have my second follow-up appointment next Monday - I'll get a blood test to measure my HCG levels to see if they have gone back to normal. It may be another month or so before I get a normal period, depending on whether my hormone levels have normalized so I can have a regular cycle again. I know I want my body to feel rested and refreshed before I try again.

So, I may not have more (pregnancy related) news for a few months, but maybe I can focus a bit more on Doula training for a while. I'll keep you posted.

If at first you don't succeed, cry, try again.

Sun, 20 Jun 2010 14:06:56 -0400

Just a quick update - more later.

Sad news; at my 9 week ultrasound on Friday morning we saw that the baby had stopped growing and had no heartbeat. Since I am having a miscarriage, I will need to go in for a D&C on Thursday (operation under general anesthesia). It was probably a chromosomal abnormality, we will have some tests done and will know more when the results come back.

This happens to a lot of women... It’s why they often don’t announce they are pregnant until after 12 weeks... But I would prefer to share the information than have to go through it alone like so many women do.

I'm sad but I will be ok, I was relatively prepared for the fact that this might happen, and I will be able to try again in a couple of months or so.

Meanwhile my partner is being loving and supportive as always, I am very lucky.

Thanks for your support!

Relax and Think of Diapers

Wed, 12 May 2010 21:05:57 -0400

[I should have posted this Monday May 3 but I was exhausted from the Doula workshop! This picture and the picture from last week were postcards on the wall in the bathroom where I took the Doula training class. ]

So on April 29 I went into the fertility doctor's office for my 8:30AM appointment. My sweetie could not be with me as she had been working crazy hours and got in around 3AM the night before, so I let her sleep.

I was kind of tired myself. I got ready to leave the house and almost forgot the tank-o'-sperm. I don't know how I missed it, as it was huge and vaguely menacing and sitting in the middle of the living room. In any case, I hate lugging the giant container around, so I grabbed a small cooler and extracting the vials of sperm carefully from their dry ice fog. I couldn't find the insulated envelope I used last time I did this, so I just quickly grabbed the nearest soft items I could find to pad the vials - a kitchen towel and a green pillowcase - and ran out the door. Traffic traffic traffic and I got to the appointment 10 minutes late.

There is a new nurse who works at my doctor's office - she's a bit nervous and uptight and tends to get on my nerves. When I walked in she said, "Do you need to use the little girl's room?" I just said "Ok," but what I was thinking was, "I'm thirty-something years old. I don't need to use the little girl's room - I'm trying to HAVE a little girl. (Or boy.) " I took a breath and tried to let it go. Then she came into the exam room, gingerly opened my cooler, peered inside and said, "Is this how the sperm bank gave it to you?" I'm thinking, "Yes, that's right, the sperm bank gave me my sperm in a picnic cooler with a kitchen towel and a pillowcase. Isn't that standard issue?" Instead I said, "No, I didn't want to carry the giant tank in, so I took it out at home.

To clarify, the sperm bank I use is very gay-friendly, so their instructions are tailored to recipients who are injecting themselves at home (with needle-less syringes, which they are kind enough to supply.) To that end, the instructions I was given told me to take the vials out about 20 minutes to a half hour before use, so they could warm up to room temperature. Probably not the appropriate instructions for an IUI, but I went with it.

Anyway, the nurse went and got my doctor who sternly lectured me on how I should not do this as it could cause the sperm to defrost improperly and negate the sperm bank motility guarantee. I explained how the instructions were confusing and we eventually cleared it up, but being lectured at did nothing to relax me, so we didn't get off to a very good start.

The ultrasound was fine, the residual cyst had stayed small. There were 2-3 smaller follicles on the left, but they were not quite ready, and in any case were on my bad side, so didn't have much of a chance.But there was one follicle on the right in perfect condition - looking just a little bubbly around the edges as it was about to rupture and release one egg. I had a good feeling about that follicle and said, "Hello, baby!" to the image on the ultrasound machine. That sort of thing is supposed to help.

Similarly, as we began the IUI (with my, as it happens, perfectly thawed sperm) my doctor suggested that I relax and visualize cute babies while the sperm flowed into my uterus. Having Nurse Nervous in the room was a little distracting to begin with (a little like being naked in a room with a younger Laura Bush - which is not a fantasy that works for me) but then when she began to suggest her version of happy conception thoughts, it got a little silly. "Think of babies... How they smell... and all the diapers..." I kind of waved my hand in an attempt to discourage her and said, "I'm good..."

My doctor said "Think of how cute they are," and I said, "What, the sperm?" She said, "You can be a comedienne next life. This life you will be a mom." She also mentioned my uterus was being very relaxed and receptive. (So that's good, even if the rest of me wasn't!)

Then the nurse added, "You will be a mom... and that doesn't end when they are 18! It's forever!" But she said it in that, "My kids STILL haven't left home kind of way..."

Really, I didn't want her there at all. But I wanted to go ahead with the IUI and didn't want to hold anything up, and I kept reminding myself, "It doesn't have to be perfect." Sure it's nice when I'm all perfectly relaxed and my sweetie is able to be there with me and we each hold a vial of sperm and warm it with our hands and breath and say happy things first, and she holds my hand while the doctor injects me. But it doesn't matter - if I get pregnant on the day I showed up with the dishrag and the pillow case and the doctor yelled at me in front of Laura Bush... then that's how it was meant to be.

I spent the next three days in the Birth Doula training class watching amazing birth videos (water births, home births, etc.) and being surrounded by women who are as hooked on birth and babies as I am. It was awesome and filled my brain to the brim with information I am still processing. I can't wait to start attending births and supporting pregnant women. I felt like just being in the room was the perfect relaxed and nurturing vibe to support conception - it would be a lucky baby who gets born into the Doula community, and I would have so much support from fellow Doulas.

So... whatever happens next, I am loving the path I am on.

IUI Take 4

Wed, 12 May 2010 20:05:19 -0400

[I originally wrote this post on April 28 but Salon was "down for maintenance" and my post vanished into the ether. This is my attempt to reconstruct what I wrote that night.]

Wednesday April 14 - Day One (False Start)

I took a month off, but April 14 I got my period (or seemed to, it was kind of stop and start). It turns out this was because I had an ovarian cyst, apparently this is a typical symptom. Anyway, it was the start of a new cycle and I called the doctor to get things rolling again.

Thursday April 15 - Actual Day One

This is the day to enter into a Pregnancy Calculator, when they ask when did your last period start. Day One, full flow. Also the day I would normally call my doctor.

Friday April 16 - Doctor's Appointment

I was thinking - this month would be easy, now I know the routine. But this month, the new complication was a residual ovarian cyst on my left ovary. Just one, and a kind of small one fortunately, but it potentially meant that I might not be able to do a hormone-stimulated cycle, or it might mean that I needed to have the cyst aspirated, by means of a ultrasound guided trans-vaginal procedure which is supposedly painless but sounded kind of scary to me. (Involves using local anesthetic and inserting a long needle into my abdomen through my --. Yeah. Not a thrilling concept.) The worst case scenario was that the cyst would suppress normal ovulation altogether.

We did a blood test that day to check my estrogen levels - if they had been high, it would have meant we could not have injected FSH this cycle and I might not be able to try at all. Fortunately they were low, so I started the injections on Sunday night (day 3). My doctor told me I would have to have my estrogen levels checked and have the cyst monitored by ultrasound throughout the cycle to be sure it didn't create problems.

On the bright side, the ultrasound showed that I had tons of follicles on the right side - so many more than usual that my doctor said, "What, are you 20? Are you trying to be an egg donor?" I guess the ongoing hormone stimulation plus the acupuncture and Chinese herbs has really been increasing my ovarian activity.

Sunday April 18 - BLS

As an aside - I attended a Basic Life Support class (CPR & First Aid) and learned how to use an AED (defibrillator) - awesome! I took the class as preparation for becoming a Doula but it's good preparation for becoming a mom, too.

Tuesday April 20, 22, & 26 - Doctor's Appointments

Each time I went in, I was dreading the idea of having the cyst aspirated. Fortunately, it never got that big. On the 26th, the ultrasound showed
one big follicle on right, and 2-3 smaller follicles on the left. It would have been better to have several on the right side (my good side) but I only needed one to make an IUI worth doing!

So we scheduled an IUI for the 29th - just one, not a back-to-back or "sandwich" IUI this time. Since I only had one promising follicle, one double-barreled shot was my best shot. (Meaning using both vials at once).

That brings me up to April 29, which I will describe in a separate post. Thanks for reading!