"Perfect" Does Not = Happy: Lessons from Midge

Thu, 5 Nov 2009 22:11:31 -0500

Granny’s life is now, and never has been, perfect. She is, however, happy. For some reason we so often equate the two things. We all have in our minds what our “perfect” life would consist of and by achieving/acquiring this, we believe we will finally be really happy. Getting a better job, making more money, finding the perfect partner, losing that 10 or 20 pounds that we gained and never ended up taking off…. the list goes on forever! Well, let me take this list of common wants, or perceived deliverers of happiness, and dissect them according to Granny’s World.

The Perfect Job: Granny worked as a nurse, first in Millard Fillmore Hospital and then for a private practice in Buffalo, New York. She was the first nurse in the history of Millard Fillmore Nursing School to get married (she will tell you with a hint of mirth that she was lucky to have found a husband who “let” her work). She regales stories to this day of how she knew from early childhood that she wanted to be a nurse, and how when she earned her degree and began working, she felt like Florence Nightingale. She worked long hours for thirty years, first making $50 a month at the hospital, and then, by the end of her career, about $3 an hour. That’s $120 pre-tax dollars a week, or $6,480 annually before taxes. About half of what the “new hires” made. She endured the occasional butt pat by some doctors. She was exposed to sick and often contagious patients on a daily basis. I will share more about granny’s professional adventures in future posts, but for now, suffice it to say that she did not have The Perfect Job (which, I suppose, means different things to all of us, but would usually include, for most people, low risk of getting infections, avoidance of butt pats/pinches, high pay, and minimal and/or flexible hours). Despite the imperfections, granny was happy with her job, because she loved (and loves) helping people, it challenged her intellectually (she still reads the New England Journal of Medicine to keep up on medical research!), it suited her energetic personality, and - in all honesty - the extra income was welcome.

More Money: We all know the research on this, that monetarily “rich” people are no more happy than the less financially advantaged after basic needs are met. While this may be interesting current research, this knowledge has been around for thousands of years. Vedanta (Hindu philosophy) encourages meditation in order to break out of the chains our physical selves have us bound by (this includes the mind), so that we can connect with our spiritual self and realize our pure infinite beings. Essentially, it teaches us that all the “carrots” we are in pursuit of cannot and will not make us happy – they are incapable of doing so, because they are physical and, thus, impermanent. This is the reason why as soon as we obtain one of the carrots (more money in this case) our minds automatically move onto the next thing that will make us “happy.” It is a never-ending cycle. Think about it: you’ve probably obtained many financial goals in your life, and how did you feel afterwards? Happy? Probably. But for how long? How soon after receiving the raise did it take to focus on the next position, the next raise, the next bonus? This is a trick that our “monkey minds” play on us to serve the bodily needs over the spiritual needs which are actually the path to true happiness. I know – it’s easier said than done to live like this, but I am going to share a secret with you. Meditation helps. Granny mediates every morning between 6 and 7 in her purple chair. But even before she started meditating, in all her wisdom, she intuitively knew and lived by the notion that money does not equal happiness. Granny tells stories of how when she and my grandfather were courting, some of their dates consisted of sitting at parents’ kitchen tables, sipping hot cocoa and eating toast. If they were really rolling in the bucks they’d go to Freddy’s Donuts on Main Street and buy half a dozen donuts for fifteen cents. After my grandparents got married, they faced numerous financial hardships, including living through the Great Depression. Believe me - granny truly knows what living frugally is, and how to stretch a dollar. Despite the hardships of the Great Depression, my granny tells stories about having dinner parties where couples would take turns showing up with a tuna casserole and everyone would sit around, tell stories, eat, and enjoy each others’ company. These were not extravagant, expensive events but they were still fun, happy times. I could elaborate on countless stories in granny’s life that illustrate the point that more money does not bring more happiness, but suffice it to say that granny has never been rolling in the dough. But granny is happy.

Perfect Partner: This point is not to say that my grandfather wasn’t fantastic. He was dapper, sweet, and a total gentleman. That is, except when he got behind the wheel. Granny tells tales of my ordinarily polite, reserved grandfather swearing like a sailor and going ballistic at the other drivers on the road. She thinks that this was the one way in which he allowed himself to vent his pent-up frustrations. It was certainly unpleasant for her to be on the receiving end of his rants – even if they were, in theory, directed at someone else. There may have been other things that irritated granny, but the point is that – like all of us – she did not have a perfect partner (nor did she ever, as none of us have, claim to be perfect herself.)

Losing Weight: Granny has a story about this. When he was in his seventies, my grandfather was sitting at the kitchen table, eating lunch, when he asked my grandmother, “Have you noticed my hair has begun to thin lately?” He was very proud of his lustrous, red hair; however, he’d been bald for about twenty years! Granny approached him and took his hand. She said, “Honey, how on earth would it make any difference in our lives if you had hair and I wasn’t fat?” He thought for a moment and squeezed her hand in agreement. The answer was none. It wouldn’t have made any difference at all.

So, what I want to convey in this post, is, you already have everything you need to be happy. It doesn’t matter that your life is not “perfect” – your spirit is perfect and that is all you really need to achieve true happiness. More soon on some of granny’s specific strategies that enrich both her life and others’.

The Joy of Living: Lessons from my 99 year-old granny Midge

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 22:10:21 -0400

My beloved granny, Midge, turned 99 this past July. When I tell people this, they inevitably ask me if she is still living independently. Hmm. Let me share a typical day and you be the judge. When I was home visiting, we woke up at 7, went to get her blood work done (she had acute kidney failure four years ago and reversed it with medication and by changing her diet!), came home to eat breakfast, went out to get manis/pedis, drove downtown for lunch at Brodo on Elmwood Avenue in Buffalo, then went to see the movie Julie & Julia at the Elmwood Regal, then went grocery shopping at Wegman's (Weggie's as it is known by locals), ran a bunch of errands, and finally returned home where she proceeded to pour herself her nightly whiskey and then cooked dinner. I'll get to the point here. My granny is more than independent. She is outrageous. She is audacious. She is a dynamo who gets up every morning at 6 to meditate, and then embraces her day despite pain and lives her life with purpose and joy and gratitude.

And I want to share her awesomeness with the world. So, like the author of Julie and Julia, I am following suit and decided to start a little blog about my outrageous granny, Midge. Ultimately, my goal is to come up with 100 things I have learned from her and present it as a 100th birthday present next summer. When my husband and I were in Italy a few summers ago, I began brainstorming. I had wanted to organize my thoughts by her 99th birthday but life has a way of interfering with one's plans. When I saw the movie this summer, I loved the concept of putting a larger work together piece by piece, as well as the thought of possibly sharing it with some other like-minded souls who may also be interested in cooking, living life well and with purpose, and learning about my grandmother Midge and her awesome attitude and wise ways.

I am also going to share some of my granny's delicious recipes, many of which have the added benefit of being easy to prepare. She is a fantastic cook and a skilled entertainer (her home is known as Club 44), who, despite the times she lived in, was a career-oriented woman who was at the top of her profession (nursing) and still managed to raise two children, take care of her husband, entertain friends and family regularly, live through cancer, and survive a host of life challenges. I hope that by sharing my granny’s story and her wisdom that others will be inspired and strengthened to face their own challenges.

In closing this first blog (well, besides a trial one I did in which I forgot my username and password and is now floating in blog limbo!), I just want to thank anyone who reads this, and encourage you to share your stories and/or thoughts. In this life, we all go through so many trials and it is my goal to share the story and teachings of an incredible woman who it is my fortune to have as my grandmother.

Just Me's Open Salon Blog

"Perfect" Does Not = Happy: Lessons from Midge

The Joy of Living: Lessons from my 99 year-old granny Midge