MzEll's Open Salon Blog

Re-Post: Good Friday

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 13:04:53 -0400

We all knew what was coming at the end. The story was always the same. There might be a few who didn't know the true ending, but the effect would be the same for all of us.

We listened. John always tells the story in the most realistic way, even if his words were written last.

"Were you there?" No, we weren't. It isn't comprehendable. But we try to understand and find meaning.

The candle is lit. One light in a dark cave of wonder. He would move to the back to finish reading the story. One of his children there to hold the candle.

SLAM

That huge book. Closed to all of us. Closed as a flower. A violent new beginning. Death can be beautiful.

Breakfast With Tiffany

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 11:03:11 -0400

Breakfast With Tiffany

I only ate one piece of cinnamon toast, with Splenda, if that helps your mental image. The scales at the doctor's office are not forgiving, and I didn't want my recently consumed breakfast to mess anything up.

With one pound gained, we, Mama, Papa, and current baby, waited for almost an hour to hear the newest one's heartbeat. Talking with your spouse while only the quiet child is in the room is never a bad thing, but he had to leave for office hours before the doctor came in.

Of course, as that is the way these things work, not two minutes later my OB walked in. She was confident of the child growing in my womb, but the anticipation as she pushed against my gooped up tummy trying to find said being is always hard. I watched her face as she concentrated, and my boy while he listened for a sound he once made.

Finally, it was there, that fast "bum bum bum bum" that I longed for. Is it magic that I can love someone that is only 3 inches long?

It was after that appointment that I realized I was ready to end a sacred relationship I have with my 2 year old. Although he has only been nursing to go to sleep for sometime, it is time for us to move forward. My heart is breaking, yes, but I feel strong enough to do this now. How do I finish something that has been my peace and my comfort, along with his, for two and a half years?

The books don't help, this is between me and my marvelous boy. This precious love who, through this partnership, has come to know me better than anyone else. He knows when I'm sad before the others notice, he whispers "I love you" in my ear when I need it most, and he holds my neck tight when he hugs me because we have to be that close, always.

He is so excited to be a big brother, he says the words reverently and holds himself while he dreams of it. Both of our hearts are big enough, but his place will never be filled.

(Can anyone guess the song that coaxed my muse out of bed this morning?)

OMG!

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 09:03:33 -0400

OpenSalon would not open this morning and I was panicked! ACK! It's so good to see you back up pretty, pretty OS.

I have a link: http://cookiemonk.blogspot.com/2009/03/funny-weird-funny-ha-ha.html

It's me, at my home place. Please read if you'd like. I figured some grossies should be passed along that way after my last post here.

Happy Monday!

P.S: I just felt the baby kick, with no hesitation about what it was, for the first time. Hi, baby...

Creatures of the Deep.

Thu, 12 Mar 2009 11:03:01 -0400

They changed the vitamins. The ones I should have, technically, been taking for the last 4 years. Stopping when Wednesday was about 9 months old seemed alright, though.

So at my last appointment my doctor informed me they added DHA to the pre-natals. This sounds great! More health for my baby without having to eat foods that my tummy doesn't love anymore! But that night, I realized my mistake. Please Lord, can I have my vitamins back that simply taste like the letter "B" personified? The new and improved version smell so bad, that just opening the lid knocks me over.

As someone who has cooked a few Thai-like dishes at home, I recognized the taste of these whopper-sized meds immediately; FISH SAUCE. The vitamins taste like FISH SAUCE!! And it takes all of two minutes for the burping of the fish sauce to commence. So while I'm trying my hardest to read children's literature to my boys, or you know, SkippyJon, I am fighting the fish. I'm struggling with the guppies in my gullet, trying to convince them to stay in my swishy pond.

Then one night, after successfully defeating one sea creature, another filled my mind. Most people realize that pregnancy ups the dream craziness, and my most recent pregnancy dream did not dissapoint. In a half dream state, with Wednesday in my lap, he began his sleepytime routine of kneeing me in the bladder.

Unconsciously my stomach slowly filled with turtles. Small ones, obviously; I'm only 5 feet tall. Everytime Wednesday would poke me with his caps, a turtle would bubble up and try to escape. I'm not sure how long the turtles planned their revenge, but by the time I finally woke up, I couldn't even spare the time to put the kid in the bed!

What will ambush me next? I'm thinking octopi and starfish as another separate journey through weaning begins in our house. But maybe Sebastian was right, I am certainly in luck to be in the midst of all this lovely muck.

Just Like Old Times, When Nothing is the Same.

Thu, 5 Mar 2009 10:03:52 -0500

I knew. We knew, my husband and I both, but we almost pretended we couldn't hear that small little voice making it's presence known.

Creation came just days before the first should have made us three. Unknown hormones plus painful memories made me crazy.

3 days late I bought a test. With "the baby" in the playpen I went with my trusty cup and wondered if I would pass.

The directions open in front of me, I watched my "self" move across the window. "Wait a minute, I thought the test line was on the right?".

I called my husband, who was advising a student in his office and said, "Well, I can tell you now or wait until you get home."

"I'm pregnant!"

So now we're going at it all again...

Some things are so much the same, it seems eery. Is their large furniture waiting to be put together? Yes. Did I spend the first two months feeling dizzy, sick, and tired all morning? Yes. Am I already having the kind of pains that aren't supposed to happen for months? Yes.

But there is significantly less anxiety this time. Before this zygote wiggled it's way into my heart, the only way I felt at peace with my future was with three kids in it. There was always one missing; one that got away.

The boys call this one "Tummy Baby", and Winston insists it's either a girl, or there are two babies in my belly. Whoever this may be has an official arrival date of October 3, 2009.