Noni The Intern's Open Salon Blog

Are You Smart Enough?

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 10:11:17 -0500

Seems like lots of guys I meet want to join my TexAmerica movement. They say they want to move there with me after our secession succeeds. And every damn one of them invites me up to their apartment to talk about it. But after a couple of skull sessions, I decided that some of them just want to get into my jeans, and I don't think just anybody should be allowed to join the movement — not unless they can pass the TexAmerican Litmus Test.

Please answer the following questions to find out if you are qualified to be a Texamerican.

Do you believe when a sperm gets lucky with the egg, that a human being is formed with the more rights than any fckin Muslim Terrorist? Or the same rights?

Do you think Obama is an illegal alien, put here to destroy America? Or is he here to open the door for rule by the UN? Or is his lack of a birth certificate hiding some far more nefarious reason?

Do you believe that Glenn Beck's special insights into America should be taught to third graders? Or should his daily lessons wait for middle school?

Do you think in extraterristrials visiting us in UFOs are good guys or bad guys?

Which is more real? Angels, vampires, or Global Warming?

Do you believe Global Warming is a hoax by scientists to get more funding? Or is it a hoax to give other countries a chance to destroy American industry?

Do you think fiscal conservatism demands the government should stop spending during a bad recession? Or do we need a tax cut? Or do we need to start another war?

Do you think praying for your favorite sports team will affect the outcome? By how many points?

Do you believe Gitmo terrorist should stay there to keep America safer? Or after we water-board them, if we are sure they committed acts of terror, they should be summarily executed?

Do you believe that if TexAmerica embraces core conservative values, a new Ronald Reagan will appear to lead the new country to greatness? Or will Sarah Palin do it herownself without a male leader?

Do you believe when God rested on the seventh day he watched NFL football, listened to the angelic choir, or smoked reefer and listened to country music?

When you die, does your dog or cat have to have led a good life to join you in heaven? Or is it your life that matters?

Do you believe Sarah Palin is being persecuted by the liberal media because she has better judgement than Barack Obama? Or because liberal women journalists are jealous of her? Or just because she's hot?

If you have answered all these questions and wonder if you got the answers right, it doesn't really matter what you answered, you are qualified to be a TexAmerican.

I really mean it.

Yer Invited To My Drive-By Shootin’ Party

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 04:11:07 -0500

Back home in the Lone Star State, we support gun rights. We give props to the NRA with t-shirts, bumper stickers, loud bar talk, and louder songs on the jukebox. Here in New York City, nobody does none of that. You can’t even make a “pry my cold dead fingers” joke and have anybody get it. Boy, are these city folk backward.

Nobody I’ve talked to here even knew that today represents a Cultural Milestone. On November 17, 1871, the National Rifle Association was granted a charter by the State of New York.

I didn’t know until I read about this NRA Day in Wikipedia, but New Yorkers (even Puerto Ricans) have a constitutional right to buy recreational guns in order to protect themselves by shooting varmints — or, as it was back at that time when the charter was granted, the Irish who need not apply.

I think this historic day is well worth celebrating, maybe by shootin’ something or lotsa somethings. I gotta admit I am real lonely for a nice armadillo hunt from the back of my uncle-cousin’s pickup truck. But here in NYC, we don’t have hardly any pickups or no ‘dillos what-so-ever. We do have plenty of two legged varmints who are worth a shot or two: commies, illegal aliens, preverts, abortionists, Yankee fans, transvestites, ACLUers, employee of MSNBC, and editors of OS who ain't never given me an EP — all of which I think is a plenty good ‘nuff reason for a Rad Road-Rage Romp thru the streets of NYC.

I think it’s a gonna be more fun than a video game rated M for Massacre — which ain’t hardly violent enuff for us hardcore NRA members looking to demonstrate our Constitutional Rights.

First thing I’m fixing to do is to score myself the right ride for runnin' and gunnin'. Maybe I can get me a convertible pimpmobile so I blend in with the natives as I cruise 125^th Street looking for Bill Clinton. A pickup with double gun rack would be sweet, but what I wouldn’t give for a Hummer with rear mounted ordinance. I may have to settle for a rented limo with a sun roof, if'n I can find me the right driver.

I’ve got my favorite NRA bumper sticker to put on the back. It says "Guns Don't Kill People, I Do." I’ve got it in Spanish, too, which is for the front bumper and is what we like to call back home, “Fair Warning!” Momma gave me them both. Ain’t she a pisser?

I think for a party like this, ya’all want all the firepower you can handle. Because you don't know who else is throwing the same kind of party, and you don't want to be under-gunned when this soiree gets a’crackin'. Take at least one semi-automatic, a scatter gun, and maybe an AT4 which is a shoulder mounted rocket specifically designed for urban warfare, and works real good inside a building, like if you crash into a big atrium just for shit and giggles.

If you want to join in, the route you choose is important. Avoid Precinct Houses at all costs. After that it’s as easy as cussin’ Obama. Just drive by what ain't your turf, picking off varmints and Democrats as you go.

At end of night, the shooters with the most hits should win money for an attorney from the other partiers. But don't bungee-cord no trophies to the hood. That requires a permit in New York City.

Remember: the NRA is for all of us. Shooters and Varmints alike.

I really mean it.

Get Ready! It's Sadie Hawkins Day!

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 03:11:43 -0500

Sadie Hawkins Day is my favorite holiday. Ef'n us gals catches our man today we gets to do whats we want with them and they gots to do what we say. Now, back in Al Capp's Lil Abner comic strip, the man had to marry the gal. Marry? Gulp! But that thar was back in November of 19 and 37 before women's lib, computer dating, and according to my Great Granny Hokum, multiple orgasms.

Ah is likin' this holiday best because Ah talks natcherley just like Daisy Mae. And today everybody thinks Ah'm funnin' 'em and they doesn't laugh at me... so much.

Fer you Yankees who never had no history classes that taught comic strips, which is all we have in Texas, you might not know about this day. You see in the Li'l Abner strip, Hekzebiah Hawkins was the mayor of Dogpatch, which is a lot like Hoop and Holler, Texas where Ah grew up. Only they'uns had more hills and we'uns had more hollers.

The mayor of Dogpatch was desperate to marry off his daughter who was the homeliest gal in the hills. As any fool could plainly see, the mayor was terrible worried about Sadie living at home for the rest of his life, which if you happens to have a 20something year old kid, you knows the feeling. So Hekzebiah decreed Sadie Hawkin's Day. On this day, which is today in case you is forgetful, a footrace is held. All the unmarried gals chase down the bachelors after they boys thar were given a short head start.

Ef'n a woman catches her man, the boy had to marry her, which it is rumored that this is how Michelle got Barack. But like Ah said, matrimony ain't necessarily your reward. You can make up your own.

Now while the bootiful Daisy Mae is for sure my idol, Ah do like Stuperfyin' Jones. Ah 'special likes how one oogle at her freezes men in their tracks, which allows the stuperfyin' lady to have her will with them without listening to any of their crap. Ef'n Ah was to be catching somebody on OS like mebee Art James, Ah'd sure want that stuperfying power to use on the boy before he got all cranked up and on a roll.

Ah don't know all that many of the men here on Open Saloon, but based on them commentaries Ah've gotten, if you ladies want to catch somebody from OS, Ah think the easiest, most availablest would be Trig Palin, poorsinner101, rwnutjob, and john blumenthal, not that any one of them'd be worth catching, onct you caught 'em.

If Ah had my druthers, Ah'd want myself a big jug of Kickapoo Joy Juice and a Li'l Abner to snuggle with. But thar ain't a whole mess of Li'l Abners in my neck of the woods, which these days is Central Damn Park.

We do gots bushels of Romeo Scraggses, Fearless Fosdicks, Lonesome Polecats, and Evil Eye Fleegles. But all the good Abner types seems to be gay.

To corn-tinue, Ah do needs to catch me a good man, and Ah'm agonna do it.

Ah really means it.

The Noni Half Ass Diet

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 06:11:18 -0500

I just dumped my latest soulmate. As ya'll know, a lady doesn't dump a gentleman she's invested training time into for only one reason, unless that reason is like he's fixin' to become a transsexual, a priest or a Democrat. Or secretly, he is already is one.

My research into dumpology has shown it is usually for a lot of little reasons that add up synergistically. (Ain't that a pisser of a word?) Most of the reasons involve why he is such a clueless, selfish bonehead that you can’t understand what you saw in him in the first place, when your girlfriends told you he was a loser and a Jets fan.

But the main reason I’m erasing JoeBob permanently from dance card, is that even though he’s from Austin and can throw a mean two-step, and we mostly like the same things, he thinks it is great foreplay to serenade me with the words to that old Sir Mix-A-Lot rap “I Like Big Butts.” This makes me think that in spite of my early evaluation that he is dumber than an A&M MBA.

I hate the part where he looks that big dumb white-boy-shit-kicker look at me and says “I like big butts and I can not lie.” It gets worse when he does “Shake it! Shake it! Shake that healthy butt!” When he segues into “'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong. And I'm down to get the friction on,” I have to try hard not to giggle, because he isn’t really either. I mean if Mix-A-Lot has an anaconda, JoeBob has more of a garter snake or maybe a caterpillar. Not that size matter. Not that much, anyway.

Another reason I performed dumpalingus on old JoeBob is that he thinks, because of the same dumb song, that I don’t eat enough rice and beans.

Now that the old boy is gone, I absolutely positively do not want another ass-man. So I’m fixing to go on a diet.

I’ve tried everybody else’s damn diet and they don’t work for me, so I invented the Noni Half Ass Diet, which probably won’t cut my ass in half, but I like the sound of it, so in case it works, I can write a best selling book about it. And I have plenty of good before pictures.

The main idea of the Half Ass Diet is that I’m going eat and drink half as much as I did before. Same meals. Same times. Same number of nights out. No worrying about carbs or calories. I’m just going to eat and drink half as much.

But all by itsownself, that’s a half-ass idea that is too simple to write a book about, even if you get Sarah Palin’s ghost-writer to fill it out. So I’m going to do twice the exercise, including horizontal exercises. And my next guy better be able to last twice as long as Sir JoeBob Likes-Ass-A-Lot, and not only so I can burn twice the calories.

I really mean it.

BTW: this is what it says on the back of my Intern Rights t-shirt.
"pay me spit, treat me like dirt, tell me what you want in your coffee,
but quit staring at my ass" (BBTW: I wrote that myownself.)

Do Ya’all Really Wanna Live in the USSA?

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 09:10:51 -0400

Yeah, P.Bam and Pelosi are turning America into the United Socialist States of America.

In the USSA, ya'll have Healthcare where you have to choose a guy gynecologist! There'll be mandatory death panels on our walls. The United Socialist States of America will mess with the financial system so we’re like the French! They'll put Caps On Our Trades to drive good American companies somewheres else to put some character in our air. And the caps will be one-size fits all.

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be ripped off by banks and credit card companies and health insurance companies and Bernie Madoffs who’d compete to do it better — rather than have my taxes raised.

Of course, as a lowly intern I don’t pay no taxes, but if I ever got to be President of the Legal Marijuana Growers of the USSA, I would. So I don’t want cut off my nose and throw it out with the bath water in case that happens.

I think ya’ll need to make a choice.

The Unites Socialist States of America or TexAmerica. Choose Texamerica and vote for me for VP. Of course ya'll have to wait until we succeed in secession. But I think that’s coming soon as Dick Armey raises enuff money selling teabaggers teabags for the new tour — which is secretly a Texamerica project, but don’t tell.

I think Sarah Palin should model for our Statue of Liberty. And if she doesn’t want to, I will. Only I want a real electric torch that shines bright from burning good West Virginia coal.

I got my friend Joe, who wants to get in my chaps, to art-up the roadsign and he didn't like my TexAmerica flag because he's jest jealous of my art talent and he really hates Little Dick Armeydildo, who I think is darling. So I put it in anyway.

Look up top, again. Do you like my new slogan I put on our Texamerica road sign that will be the entry to a new land of freedom and the brave? “Send us your Rich, White, Christians yearning to be free. “I think that really says it.

I really mean it.