nyctheaterqueen's Open Salon Blog

Quarterlife crisis?

Tue, 8 Feb 2011 01:02:41 -0500

My quarterlife crisis started with a haircut.

Not a haircut of mine--- a haircut of Jenny’s.

Jenny went and got herself a hipster haircut which I did (and still kind of do) find super annoying. Because I hate hipsters. What’s not to hate about people who spend thousands of dollars of their parents’ money pretending to be poor? I am genuinely poor, and it is nowhere near as much fun as Urban Outfitters makes it look.

So, Jenny got her haircut, and I couldn’t stop being irritated by it. Then I couldn’t stop being irritated by her. Her hair. Her shoes. Her cardigans. It wasn’t even the cardigans so much as her incessant shopping for work clothes.

I cannot afford to shop, and I do not have a job. Which means that shopping for work clothes becomes a two-or-three hour exercise in “No, honey, REALLY, I promise you don’t look fat in those pants.” It is a precarious situation that many a significant other has found themselves in. I tried to avoid it.

Then I tried to avoid a lot of things. Going out to dinner. (Expensive.) Talking to my parents. (Do. Not. Want. More. Advice.) Going out of the house at all. (Again, expensive. It’s New York.) Theater friends. (All unemployed. Depressing.) Temp agencies. (Why must they treat me like a criminal?!?!) Explaining to Jenny why I was such a crab. (Pity is almost worse than advice.)

So here I am. I do not want to go out, and I do not want to stay in. I do not want to do another stupid theater production, and I do not want to take a regular day job. I do, however, want to move in with Jenny. This is happening, in approximately 6 weeks. Not only is this about to increase my living expenses by 250 dollars a month, I have never lived with a significant other before. I am excited, and I am also terrified.

It is a unique place to be in--- paralyzed by a combination of fear, burnout, and harsh economic reality. I have been unemployed for 7 months, which is not quite what I envisioned for myself when I went into theater professionally. I imagined being able to have some kind of day job, but now all the temp agencies are full of ex-Wall Streeters, and I have nothing but time on my hands.
I could do more shows, just to pass the time. But, what I am being offered does not pique my interest on artistic or financial levels.

I am scared of never getting another job. I am scared I will get a job and hate it. I am scared I will never go back into theater. I am scared I will be stuck in theater. I am scared of going broke. I am scared of disappointing Jenny. I am afraid that I have lost my drive and my creativity. I am afraid nothing is ever going to get better. I am afraid of making the wrong choices.

I don’t see anything getting better for a long time. I want to make it better, but this is the first time in a long time I have felt entirely helpless. I have applied for ten jobs a week for the last 7 months. And still no luck. I am trying as best I know how to be a responsible, productive member of society, but I keep getting shot down. I can’t get a job. The Christian Right has all kinds of organizations devoted to keeping me and sweet Jenny from getting married.

This is not what I was promised when I was a kid. I was supposed to be free to be anything I choose....but what about when they won’t let you wait tables or shine shoes??

Are they leasing any apartments in Never-Never Land?

Mon, 10 Jan 2011 15:01:16 -0500

Over the weekend, Jenny and I started making real, honest-to-goodness plans to move in together. This is a big deal. We have been talking about it (read: I have been pestering her) on and off for months, but this weekend, we started talking concretely. If all goes well, I will move into her place permanently in April, and I will be able to retire the stupid backpack that has been my constant companion since she and I got together a year and a half ago.

I am excited, do not get me wrong. I am super excited. I am also a hopeless romantic, and I am now starting to confront all of the factors I cleverly ignored when I started pestering Jenny to move in with me. Like?

Well, like money. In short, I do not have very much. This has not been a problem for me previously, because I knew what I was getting into in theater and entertainment. The bohemian lifestyle has suited me rather well for the last five years. (I don’t mind eating peanut butter for a week in trade for one really fantastic night on the town.) The thing I didn’t realize, though, was that it gets a lot harder to be a bohemian when you’re in a relationship with a grownup with a 9-5. It’s one thing for me to live in a less-than-great neighborhood whilst in pursuit of theatrical glory, but it is entirely another to ask her to move someplace crappy just to support my dreams-- especially when she can afford to live where she wants to. It is one thing for me to be a teeny bit late on my bills, but it is another when it impacts her and the electricity in HER apartment.

    I don’t want to be a kept woman, I want to be an equal partner. So the long and the short of it, is that Mama needs a job, pronto. The arts are still a disaster here in the city, so I have been applying to every temp agency I can find. The tragedy is, however, that almost all my work experience has been in theater production, so I get a lot of glazed-over looks from the women at these agencies who say “well what do you DO, exactly?”
    I am not sure how to sell myself, and really just not sure what to do. I don’t know if I can stay in theater production anyway, because for me to work full time nights and weekends while she works days is not entirely conducive to a great relationship. All I know is that I have a certain amount of newfound let’s-be-a-practical-sort-of-grownup zeal which I wish I had had when I started college. (I think my exact words at 18 were “money? psh, who needs it?”)
    Does this ever wear off? Am I going to be resentful of my newfound-grownup-job (if I can ever get one, with my lousy skill set?) And more importantly, why is there not an instruction manual for this kind of shit?!?!

I need advice

Thu, 28 Oct 2010 12:10:04 -0400

In case anyone thought that I was exaggerating about my Baptist upbringing....I just received the following guide to "voting biblically" in my inbox. My mother sent it to my sister, brother, and me.

This is a choice excerpt

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ïƒ¾ELECT GOD-HONORING MEN OR WOMEN. “capable men—who fear God, trustworthy—who hate dishonest gain…” Exodus 18:21. In America, the only way there will be God-honoring public officials is if God-honoring citizens elect them. The proper time, research and prayerful consideration must take place for a voter to select the candidate that best reflects Godly principals—those who will uphold and advance polices that encourage what the Bible defines as righteous behavior, along with discouraging what the Bible defines as sinful behavior.
ï‚¦RIGHTEOUSNESS EXALTS A NATION: The Bible has many examples of righteous leaders, to name a few: Daniel, Nehemiah, David, Moses and Josiah (even though still fallible men at times, had a heart for & fear or the Lord). (See Dan. 1:8, Neh. 5:15, 1 Kings 14:8, Heb. 11:23-30, 2 Kings 22:1-2). These men affirm that a nation’s righteousness is determined by a leader’s example and how well the public policies, under their direction conformed to God’s standards. Only God-honoring policies that lead to God-honoring actions can exalt a nation.
ï‚¦BUT SIN IS A DISGRACE TO ANY PEOPLE: Contrarily, Biblical examples of wicked leaders, to name a few: Ahab, Jezebel, Manasseh and Jeroboam are a disgrace, and lead their people astray, causing them to “groan”
(1 Kings 21:25-26, 2 Kings 21:1-31, 1 Kings 13:33-34, 14:9).
Seeking God-fearing candidates should take precedence over economic, environmental, health care, energy and other issues. These issues ARE important, but just as Jesus told his disciples in Matthew 6, that if they would make the pursuit of righteousness their main emphasis, then everything else would follow (v 33). But if economic, environmental etc. issues become the MAIN focus for voters, the nation usually ends up receiving neither economic prosperity nor national righteousness.

DUTY IS OURS;

RESULTS ARE GOD’S.

Author/Historian, David Barton, suggests 4 BIBLICAL MANDATES for voters to seriously consider when selecting a candidate:

ï‚ŒJUDICIAL APPOINTMENTS. “Appoint judges who know the laws of God.” Ezra 7:25.
The Scriptures speak extensively about judges and their direct impact on the righteousness of a nation. It has been judges, not legislatures who have imposed most of the clearly un-biblical policies now in place across our land, such as: abortion-on-demand, homosexual marriage, prohibitions against public acknowledgments of God etc. Keep in mind that a president will be gone in 4-8 years, but his judges may remain on the bench for decades afterwards—their influence being far greater.

ï‚ABORTION & INALIENABLE RIGHTS. “So God created man in His own image” Genesis 1:27. “All men are created equal...endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights...life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” (The Declaration of Independence). Where a candidate stands on the issue of abortion is of utmost importance and is also the most accurate indicator of how likely he/she is to protect other inalienable rights. American government was established on the premise that certain rights come from God rather than men and that government is to protect those rights inviolable. History attests that government leaders willing to violate the foremost of all inalienable rights (the right to life), will also disregard other inalienable rights—the protection of private property (5th amend.), the right to self defense/keep & bear arms (2nd amend.), etc.

ï‚ŽHOMOSEXUALITY & THE MORAL LAW. “...law is not laid down for a righteous one, but for the lawless...unholy and profane...fornicators, homosexuals...any other thing that opposes sound doctrine according to the gospel of the glory of the blessed God” (1 Tim. 1:9-11, interlinear ver.). God has made it clear how He stands on the sins of immorality, which include homosexuality (Lev. 20:13, 1 Kings 14:24, Rom. 1:26-27), adultery, pre-marital sex and other deviant sexual behaviors not found in the confines of the marriage union of one man and one woman (Gen. 2:22-24, Matt. 19:5-6, Eph. 5:31). The consequences and costs of immoral behavior are vast, affecting a nation physically (widespread diseases), economically (healthcare costs, child support/court costs), and lastly, most importantly, mentally and spiritually. Today with the push to promote the acceptance of homosexual behavior, where a candidate stands on this issue is one of the best indicators of whether he/she embraces the moral absolutes established by God.

ï‚PUBLIC RELIGIOUS ACKNOWLEDGMENTS. “In all your ways acknowledge Him” Proverb 3:6.
In all our ways (in public as well as in private) we are to acknowledge Him. To determine where a candidate stands in regard to this, one just needs to see their support/or lack of support for public displays of: the Ten Commandments, holiday symbols, prayer at school events and gatherings, government funding of faith-based programs, etc. We need candidates that aren’t afraid to publically acknowledge God and honor Him in the policies that they promote.
IT’S YOUR TURN TO CAST YOUR VOTEïƒ¾

David Barton reminds us when casting a vote: “If you determine that a candidate is acceptable on the 4 non-negotiables, only then should you extend your consideration to include other issues (e.g., economics, foreign policy, taxes, health care, etc.).

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Anybody have any thoughts on what-- or if I even should-- say in response???

Confessions of the Terminally Unhip

Mon, 18 Oct 2010 23:10:58 -0400

I am a dork. This is part of the reason that Jenny and I work together so well. Unless you look like Portia DiRossi, being a lesbian is kind of uncool already, but Jenny and I take dorkiness to an entirely different level. We love musical theater. We live in Brooklyn but refuse to wear skinny jeans. We don’t belong to organic food co-ops. We tend not to want to leave the house after 10 pm, and we aren’t even 30 yet.

Like I said. Dorks.

As I am getting older, I find that I am easing into my dorkiness more and more. It’s just sort of who I am, and if people want to judge me for my 50 dollar boot-cut jeans, that is totally okay with me. However, there was a time in my life when I blamed all my dorkiness on my geographic location rather than my innate personality. I was an 18 year old kid living in Minnesota, and I knew-- just KNEW--- that I had a New York sophisticate inside of me waiting to get out. No more frigging hotdish, it was coffee and cigarettes for me!

This was, coincidentally, the same time I was coming out of the closet, and right when I met a girl. Who was from New York. (Oh, the dangers and joys of giving a closeted 18 year old unfettered access to the internet!)

Laura was 27, and she worked for a book publisher. She had just broken up with her girlfriend of 6 years, and she needed to be adored. I obliged by falling madly in love with her, and soon we started jetting back and forth across the country to see each other. Laura still LIVED with her ex, which was just gloriously complicated to me. Laura would take me out to all sorts of glamorous restaurants, where she would order bottle after bottle of wine, and we’d stumble back to her Upper West Side apartment (it was a converted two bedroom!) and have extraordinarily loud sex until morning. It was never quite as much fun for me when Laura came to Minneapolis, but I would take her around to all my college hangouts and I loved introducing her as my girlfriend from New York. (Somehow, I was never introduced to any of Laura’s friends.)

But I loved my sophisticated double life, and I tried very hard to emulate Laura in everything that she did. I learned to like Nine Inch Nails and Manic Street Preachers. I learned to order dim sum in Mandarin because Laura was Chinese and I wanted to be “culturally sensitive.” (Never mind that her family actually spoke Cantonese.) I got to the point where I never had an opinion about anything because I was so desperate to please her. And to make a long story short, I moved to New York to be near her and because I had yet to learn the meaning of “rebound relationship.”

Laura and I broke up four years ago, and we never spoke again. I have since learned that my midwestern dorkiness is probably a good thing. (Jenny seems to like it mighty fine.) I have grown a backbone, and I have actually worked on some of the Broadway productions that Laura and I went to see together.

I wish I could have one more conversation with her. Just one. I am curious what I would think of her now, especially with more life experience and a healthy, functioning relationship. I told Laura when we met that I had been with girls before, and I was lying through my teeth. (And now that I’ve actually been lied to the same way...I want to know how she didn’t realize she was with a virgin, because I was OBVIOUS.) A lot about me was obvious. And I feel like I should apologize to her in a way, because being my first love could not have been an easy thing.

But at the same time, leave it to me to go from good Baptist girl into a gay, interracial relationship with a woman 9 years my senior. (I have been accused of many things in life, but never of doing anything halfway.) I fell hard, and the knocks I got were just as hard, but if it hadn’t been for Laura, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

A happy, gay dork who is loved for exactly who she is. And you know what makes this gay dork extra happy? Being able to order her dim sum in cantonese. Because that is actually kind of cool. (And it impresses the ladies-- who knew?)

I was born Baptist....

Tue, 12 Oct 2010 14:10:28 -0400

but have since converted to hedonism.

(Apologies to Woody Allen)

Ever since I de-converted from Christian fundamentalism, one of my favorite games has been to see who does and doesn’t stay in the faith. I had a good deal of hope for my kid brother-- Sam-- who is twenty years old. We smoked pot in my parents’ backyard last Christmas and compared notes on the girls we were dating. We were so high during Christmas dinner that all we could do was stare at our plates and giggle-- so much so that Grandma couldn’t help but remark that it was nice to see we still had maintained a sense of “Christmas cheer” into adulthood.

I don’t know what happened to Sam, and he doesn’t want to talk about it, but Jesus got a hold of him again-- much to my dismay. He spent his summer in Florida with Campus Crusade for Christ, witnessing to girls in bikinis on the beach. I teased him a good deal about how much he suffers for the Lord, but he told me with all earnestness that it was a time of “spiritual growth for him.” He doesn’t smoke pot anymore or go to the house parties at his college, and he doesn’t ask after Jenny anymore either. Which is really what stings most of all.

Maybe it shows how much I’ve changed in the last six years, but I don’t understand why Sam went back to it. Baptists preach a sort of holier-than-thou asceticism, and they tend to define good behavior in terms of what you don’t do, instead of what you actually do. He and my parents look down their noses at me because a)I left the church and b) of my “hedonistic lifestyle.”

I myself would not call the lifestyle of a starving artist in New York City hedonistic by any stretch of the imagination--- unless, of course, you enjoy digging money out of your couch to pay your rent. But I certainly don’t abide by their rules anymore, so they try to shame me with the term “hedonist.” However, I think the greater shame is in refusing to enjoy what’s been put here in front of you.

When I left the church, it was like a whole new world had opened up to me. I remember going to Blockbuster with my friends the first week of college, and realizing that I could rent whatever I wanted. My mother had been very strict about the sorts of movies we watched, so I promptly rented just about everything I had never been allowed to see-- Sex and The City, Angels in America, Annie Hall. It became a project of sorts, to catch up on all the pop culture I hadn’t been allowed to consume. And I realized it was GREAT, and that whoever thought I’d act like Samantha Jones because she’s on the teevee was pretty stupid.

I started drinking. That was more difficult, because all I had ever been told was not to do it. But, after a few nights bent over the porcelain throne, I learned that I could do it without becoming some sort of moral derelict. I smoked pot, and I realized it wasn’t a gateway drug. I started having sex. And identity crisis aside, I learned that sex is fun and pleasure is good for you. It only becomes a big deal when you spend 18 years being told not to do it.

I learned that sometimes it is good to stay out all night, and sometimes class needs to be cut in favor of real life. And I learned that “unbelievers” were actually more like me than not, and worth getting to know as something other than potential converts.

My suspicion is that my family is secretly more jealous than disapproving, because I am free of the fear that someone’s going to smite me for enjoying my life. I just wonder why the fundamentalists haven’t figured out how to incorporate “having fun” into a godly lifestyle.

And I wonder why they don't leave the faith anyway because who wants to worship a God without a sense of humor?