older/exasperated's Open Salon Blog

I've Come To Believe My 'god' Is Actually A Redhead

Thu, 31 May 2012 07:05:22 -0400

I know already that most of you naysayers are still reeling from the claim made by some that Nitt Romney was born in Mexico and is a unicorn. They are wrong for sure because I know for a fact he was born in Honduras to two she-males and is actually a hermaphrodite. Whatever!

Older Says God Is A Redhead

That is the fake headline that appeared in our local paper recently, the HILLBILLY TIMES and BAPTIST REVIEW. But I did express my feelings to some of the guys down at the (only) local tavern the Do-Cum-In and the response back was unanimous, " Your just saying that because your wife is a Redhead idiot." That had a lot to do with it I agreed, plus the fact she told me she was REALLY God and I always tend to believe her to cut down on the daily beatings. But the signs have always been there since I was child but I failed to recognize them early on.

PART 1: THE SIGNS

It all started during my childhood, which one time I related to a shrink and the first words out of his mouth were not of reasoning or understanding just the proclamation,

" You shouldn't even be sitting in my office you should be dead or in jail."

But in reality though he should have said that it was because of my Mother, she started it. You see my Mother is a 4'10" Irish Redhead and she introduced (forced) me into the church. Here I was once a week being told about this God, this being for two hours that created life and controlled everything. Right off the bat I knew that was a lie because that bastard did not create me my Mother did. He may have had my attention for two hours once a week (maybe) but he did not control me the other 6 days and 22 hours either.

If, as they would have you believe that God controlled all, how come he didn't punish me for that minor incident I had in the church. It happened during a sleepover with other youth groups when we go for a weekend and learn about God and meet other kids our age and get to stay overnight in the different churches that belong to our type of church. So it was our church one year and the group was all teenagers between 13-16 of hormone imbalanced sexually inquisitive boys and girls. I was 16 and soon to become sex offender that night. Immediately I set my sights on this well devoloped Redhead teen who was 15 and the Ministers daughter. Well we kissed early on during several breaks and to make this long story short, the minister caught us that night about to try to have sex in the baptismal in the sanctuary. I was at third base and had my pants loose and she had no top or bra on and her pants were almost off.

Did God strike me down with a lightning bolt or even threaten me, NO. Instead the Minister was going to kill me first and I got thrown out that night and my Dad came and picked me up. This is where I got my first sign. My Dad said,

" You know your Mother is going to kill you when we get home, right?"

That is all my Dad said all the way fucking home, that was the first sign. My Dad already knew she was God, he was married to her and had no control over whether she killed me or not. He didn't even tell me to run away, fast.

PART 2: OTHER SIGNS I APPARENTLY OVERLOOKED

1. During puberty, and most of my adult life I fantasized about screwing and marrying Lucille Ball. Well my fantasy stayed with Lucille Ball from early TV until she was about 40 looking. Or just seeing her naked. But as I got older and looking for variety I added Maureen O'Hare to the list, she was hot. I know the Duke tagged that filly.

2. My first kiss was to a Redhead and it was in the third grade. Yes that's right I was hot. So it was lunch and playground time and we were out hanging around the school yard minding our own business. When she winked at me. ladies I had a tingle. We started walking along the side of the school and there was this barrier wall next to the entrance so we went behind it. The rest was history, we never spoke of it and pretended we didn't like each other. Fast forward 1997, Kadena AB Okinawa. I had been stationed there for about a year and knew many locals off base where I lived. A friend of mine in the AF had married an older local (older than him) woman who had a club. We didn't have the bar girls or anything just great rock music and alcohol. I provided the stereo system and music for them and also worked there.

Anyway a group of nurses had come in from the Naval Hospital to party and one young lady approached me and said,

" Our friend down there (pointing to their table) said she knew you from several years ago and would like to talk with you when you get a break."

" I think your drunk," I joked, " and doubt seriously if she knows me."

Oh and then I asked if she had a request, but she still walked away. A few moments later this Redhead Navy Nurse came up and said,

" You don't remember who gave you your first kiss, Stephan! "

It was fucking Veronica Pine, she was a fine piece of Redhead Nurse now. We sat down at a table and she said, " what do you think now." I told her at first I didn't recognize her because she had tits now." We talked and eventually ended up going to my place nearby. Well sexual stuff occurred and she stayed overnight, every night (moved in) for the next two months. Then she finally shipped off back to the States and I haven't seen her since. Damn, that would brought a tear on Memorial Day. Still thinking of you Veronica Pine, 52 years later.

You'll see the sign later from this one, and you will believe.

3. This is the passive/aggressive sign as I call it. This one actually deserves a whole part on its own. MY EX-WIFE. This is sign that keeps on giving more no matter how stupid it can get. Gracie we'll call her, was a linquist with the US State Department in France. I met her there in late 1981, we got married one year later in St. Louis, Mo. We were both from the St. Louis area so both of us had family there also. Her parents were wacko and so were her brothers and sisters.

Gracie had two things going for her, she was smart though shy and she was good looking and pleasant to have around for sex. I know I'm really bad for saying that, but there's more. What she didn't have going for her and I overlooked as a very crucial sign later, she was blond and...... well that list is endless if you figure in the blond thing.

Gracie did one other great thing, she gave me two beautiful daughters. But during the 18 years Gracie and I were married, I came to the conclusion that all blond jokes are not just made up, they are all based in fact. My oldest daughter like her mother was a blond, the big difference between the two was my daughter carried mostly my genes. My youngest daughter came out a brunette and is now (16 years later) a full blown, fire engine Redhead clone of me. My ex-wife to this day still insists they are devil spawns controlled by me. Since our divorce Gracie and I are more civil to each other now, she agreed that she would not continue to try to stab me with any sharp object in reach and continue to go to church and pray for us. I agreed to stop trying (I was missing on purpose) to shoot her if she came within a mile of us.

The Redhead God was giving me a sign that hey, you are a chosen one¹ and if you stray from the path we will punish until you see the Red again.

chosen one: men cannot just wake up one day and decide they want a Redhead. It doesn't work that way. There is a vetting process with strict rules on who and who they don't let into the Redhead Realm. It's all outlined in the 'Ginger Bread Cookbook and Rules on Use of Power Guide', all chapters.

........to be continued. Up next, the final chapter 'MEETING THE REDHEAD GOD'.

unless of course I think of another title or someone passes on I wrote this to his wife and she then tells my wife I'm writing it and I disappear under mysterious circumstances.

older/exasperated may2012 c.

HARRY POTHEAD/ Dangerous Cats With Mustaches

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 16:12:59 -0500

The cries of help were everywhere so I turned up the stereo......h.p.

Evidently these days people don't take me too seriously. Just the other day I was in my bank and as I waited to see the woman who when confronted with a question will ultimately get up and go ask the manager first (although I have never seen this OZ person they visit) and she will come back and say no. But today was different there was a good feeling I had when they called my name. The young girl was in her 20's and had absolutely no clue what really happens in the world after I presented my request she smiled and said, "Sorry, I can't possibly help you I'm a Republican." (note: same girl was promoted to Branch Manager the next day)

So How's That Occupy Thingy Goin' For Ya?

The other morning after I had prepared myself for a journey outside I decided to float downtown and check things out. As I turned the corner I saw a bunch of those occupy protestors in the main park. Out on the street were TV news vans and wannabe celebrities asking stupid questions. I sat down to watch but that was a mistake. Not more than 3 minutes had gone by and this lady with a microphone and and idiot with a camera were standing right in front of me.

She thrust the mic in my face and said, " Sir are you willing to go to jail or do you prefer staying in the park with the other protestors and camp until arrested?"

Good thing I was ~~stoned~~ in an altered state of mind and was thinking quickly.

" I am afraid you have me confused with people who actually care what they are doing in the park, actually I am waiting for my Porsche it is getting detailed across the street. I'm a Republican anyway."

She shook my hand with vigor and said thank you. Talk about ruining a good buzz.

Dead Cats With Matted Hair....sorry for that Tink happy holiday.

When are they going to appoint one of those idiots for President haven't they been doing that for that last 2 years? Between them and advertisements for the spend your money you don't have season that started right after Memorial Day it is really starting to irritate me. It became apparent to me years ago that these people who get elected to office are not elected because of their knowledge and their desire to help all Americans. Rather it seems now they just have to be able to do nothing constructive except trying to get re-elected 4-6 years later. At YOUR expense. You have another idiot from Texas and two guys with names out of sci-fi movie, although Newt also has other notable usage versions (I got a newt in my butt crack, you gotta a newt hangin' out your nose,...) and I think there is one woman left for appearances or left over vice pick.

Actually I think most politicians are Dangerous Pussys with Bad Haircuts or Toupee's. Congress is absolutely useless about the only thing they have accomplished is to not do anything to confuse themselves. They are also the ones who make all the laws against marijuana and they are afraid that if potheads get elected in the future the USA might actually work as designed. CONGRESS IS A BUZZ KILLER BEWARE.

Natural Male Enhancement and ED

The other night I was maybe a little really stoned and I decided to watch some TV. Now with the rising cost of drugs in the US I am only able to afford expanded basic cable meaning I have roughly 80 channels and after 15 minutes of looking I found that I got 73 channels of advertising and 7 really crappy local stations, which means in an hour of programming I can actually see 18 minutes of a show and the reat is you guessed it.

So I smoked some more pot because changing channels is stressful and settled into a B-movie from dead people and just as it was getting good.....BOB !!!!! shows up. Bob has all the chicks and a wife and they all look like they are in a Dick Van Dyke show. Bob and his wife must be swingers and all the other guys are pissed because he has a constant hard-on. But you too can be like BOB. Bob looks gay to me.

So we watched another 11.5 minutes of movie (my girlfriend is here) and another commercial. This time there was a truck with a cowboy in it and he was hauling something and his truck gets stuck in the mud. The announcer says something like real men can handle difficult tasks in difficult times and it shows him getting his horses out of the trailer and they pull his truck out. He then drives up to his farm and the announcer says if you suffer from ED there is help from Viagra in these difficult times. I was confused to say the least.

So I leaned over to and told my girlfriend in my stoned sexy voice, "You better watch out I might get some of that and have women crawling all over me." She pulled away and said, " If you could get a real hard-on that lasted longer than 3 minutes you would find some new pussy here."

Needless to say I held back my desire to make sexual advances towards her. These commercials are digusting along with those ones that have women telling you ways to stop feminine odor. Most people will let you know if your pussy stinks I'm sure or avoid you. I'm going to have to quit watching television the commercials make me paranoid when in a crowded situation I think what if that guy behind on the subway me is going home to his wife and took some Viagra and I start to feel a hard-on pressed against my butt, it's nerve wracking and quite difficult stoned.

Well my good buzz is making me sleepy and it is hurting my brain to think anymore. I'm suppose to get some real good stuff soon and when I do I am going to try to remember as much as I can and share it with you.

HAVE A NICE DAY BE SAFE GET STONED

........................................older/exasperated c dec2011

Get It Right? Baby Boomers Responsible For This Mess Now

Fri, 7 Jan 2011 11:01:58 -0500

" Damn kids........! said at least once during the day somewhere in the United States by many.

I have been reading much over the last few days about the state of the union ( USA ) which till recently was only given once a year by the President of the United States and usually entailed silly people standing up and clapping forever ( several times ) while listening to the President actually tell us nothing. I know they weren't clapping at the speech. But I (o/e) will tell you what is really going on. Smoke it if you got one.

The problems we face today has all been caused by B-A-B-Y B-O-O-M-E-R-S, I am one that is how I know. Baby Boomers have been defined by whoever makes this shit up, as people born between 1946-1964. I define them as people born between 1946- 1970. Because 1970 was when the young people at the time were either going to Vietnam ( drafted ) or trying to get out of going there or stoned or both. Everyone after 1970 became Generation X 'rs. Another new term of definition where they didn't have a catchy phrase so that stuck. If you were born in 1970 you are now forty unless you were born in the last 7 days.

There are exceptions to the above time line, my wife who has been 36 for the last 14 years is GenX. That is going to be a painful joke later. If you look now who is running everything in this country they are GenX people. There are a few hanger on BB's like ( shit Dick Cheney, and......) well not many. Bet you are now wondering how I could make a conclusion like this? Baby Boomers were brought up differently way back when. We had parents who most lived during the depression and WW2 and were given values and a hard work ethic to become better. They went to schools that actually educated you in everything that in some way would improve your life. They had families and jobs, mother's would put off furthering their careers to raise children. You were given the same opportunities as they had young only better, more improved. You got married and started a family, then as the time line became closer to 1964- 1970 things changed. The marriage rate changed, the birth rates changed. The United States was changing. Our attitudes changed, technology rapidly changed.

So we had new people on the block after Vietnam. People like me and others who came back entered in the mainstream and got job's or went back to school to finish their interupted time before. People who graduated from school and college's and became our now changing workforce. We wanted what our parents had but we went about getting it in different ways, with different attitudes. Some started families others chose to wait. Marriage became let's live together first and get ahead ourselves. We were independent men and women. Church and faith to some became backseat I'll talk to you when I'm available. Television programming changed from family oriented to tabloid extreme. News became mindless chatter. Our children now were not afforded what we had growing up. Both parents worked now to have more to maintain a lifestyle. Teachers became babysitters instead of educators. Government became larger and bloated with overlapping functions......I can't take it anymore!!!!. Sorry got excited there.

My first wife and I were married in the early eighties, we both had good paying careers, lived very nice. We had our first daughter in 1989 and our second in 1995. We divorced in 1999. The baby boomers in us produced our Generation X who now are running the country and wondering what went wrong. Except for the few who have taken advantage of our mistakes and miguided intentions and will continue to do so until the system we broke is fixed. Blaming it on Democrats or Republicans or aliens from Wal-Mart is misguided and plain continued recklessness. Everybody has responsibility for it and we all better figure out how to fix it. What's that saying, " you can't fix stupid." We better start thinking about that. Good Day.......older/exasperated 2011

AGING: Rapidly Loosing Stud Muffin Status

Wed, 9 Jun 2010 23:06:23 -0400

Forty years ago I was 20, 6ft. tall and weighed in about 170lbs. Thirty years ago at 30, I was 5'11"- 6' tall depending on which leg I happened to be favoring at the time and weighed 170lbs. At 40, same height, and then started to weigh somewhere between 175- 185lbs. Then the big five-O hit and I was nibbling at 200lbs.

This wouldn't startle most people my age, but I have always tried to keep myself in top physical shape. Mainly for my job ( although my job continually took a heavy toll on my body ) and for myself. But now since I have retired and not as active as I use to be, shit is happening. Scary shit!

My wife being a nurse and all, contributed it to me also having major surgery ( twice ) and having to take it easy was contributing to my weight gain. She also said I was still her stud muffin, then made a chortle noise out of her nose and smiled. I think she is lying because she didn't address all the other things freaking me out. I'll start from the top of my head and work down. Weight yesterday at doctor......234 POUNDS!!!!

MY HEAD: This is the most exposed and viewed part of the human body. Mine has done some very strange things the last 10 years. My hair seems to be disappearing on the top of my head. The wife said the shower drain is making a wig for itself. I myself don't believe it's falling out, it is just growing out of my ears and nose now, at a surprising rate I might add. The young lady who cuts my hair told me explicitly that she would glady trim my ears but my nose would cost extra and it might be uncomfortable. Visions of her performing this in my head with any of the objects available around her, I declined. She added they have nose trimmers for men available. Bet you the guy who invented that is a Kajillionaire.

My facial hair has become rather disturbing also. The once brown mustache ( which I have had for forty years, except when I had to shave it off to alter my appearance ) is now sporting at least five different colors. Gray, white, red, brown and sometimes yellow. These colors can also change depending on what I have eaten. Won't go into that. Sometimes I will have a beard or goutee but not that often. The people in airports and jets stare at me alot and look like they are talking to their shirt, some of them are armed.

MY EYES: For most of my life I have had good vision, 20/20. Then suddenly one day I thought my arms had became shorter. Oh yeah, the one time my ex-wife sprayed bug spray in my eyes. She said it was an accident, but she also was holding a garden claw in her other hand, accident my ass. So I went to the eye doctor and he examined me and determined I was getting old. Charged me $50 for that useless information, and $275 for no line bifocals. It would have been nice if he would of included warning information also for the $50. Like when going down a flight of stairs not to look all the way down in your glasses because that is not really where the stairs and your feet are. You can view injuries sustained go to, www.f*%$ingbifocals/emergencyroom.com

MY FACE AND NECK SKIN: I have to say I'm aging pretty good in this department. I came to this conclusion after seeing a picture of Keith Richards. I read the accompaning article because I thought he had died. He didn't, holy crap.

MY CHANGING TORSO: This part of me held up great thanks to regular exercise and physical training for the better part of 45 years. This even after breaking my collarbone 3 times, 7 ribs ( 2 of them three times ), fracturing my back twice without knowing ( because they didn't find that when it happened and they had healed themselves ) and a compressed lumbar ( with degenerative disc disease and stenosis, which is what I just had surgery for in March ) and other minor things. Nope things just seem to be deflating and inflating southward. My once envied pecks, let's just say I was out by the pool the other day and my youngest daughter walked by and mentioned she might have one of her training bra's still. She apparently has been spending way to much time with Michelle ( who nose snorted again ) from across the way.

My six-pack abs now fluctuate between 12 and 15 packs, depending on how long I can hold my breath. Also I have developed " DUNLOP DISEASE," this happens when your gut lops over your belt. You also have to hang your cell phone somewhere other than your belt, and favor expandable waist clothing. But I'm working on it by instructing my physical therapist to become physical trainer half the time. They're getting paid enough.

Some of my recent weight gain can be attributed to inactivity and the fact I love to eat and cook, well. Other contributing factors ( I secretly get stoned and just don't care because I can ) my retirement and body has some major miles on it. On to the other parts!

MY ARMS: We use to make fun of ladies arms that flapped in the wind on the back side. Mine are starting to do that, a little. Don't make fun. The other day I was in the park walking and passed one of those children playground things. No one was around ( especially mean children ) so I thought, " I'll try some pull-ups." One.......One......ughhhhONE. Looked around the vicinity to make sure no one was looking, and walked away, dignity intact. That was pitiful I thought. My arms hurt for 2 days.

The Next Part: I don't look at my butt, but I am sure if something was wrong with it Michelle would have made fun of it by now. No complaints there either. Moving on.

THOSE LEGS: What are you going to do with those legs. That was a frequent question posed to me daily in my youth. I was skinny and tall and weighed less than everybody. So it seemed. But all that changed when I went in the military. I actually developed muscles and could run. It was amazing. Working out, wearing tight jeans. Then people ( I guess they were jealous ) started damaging them. On my thighs scars and skin are running about even. My lower and calves are devoid of hair in wide swaths due to grafting skin from there to put back on my thighs. Broken all bones in both, some a couple of times. Right thigh blown in half once and had surgery to fix it 5 times. It works okay but not as good as it use too. Less as I age. Shot in the left thigh at the knee and it went up my thigh, through my butt and nicked my spine. It works okay but not as good as it use too. Ankles and feet don't ask but they still work.

SUMMARY: I still look tremendous in Armani. I am married to a gorgeous knock-out of a Redhead. I have two very beautiful daughters. I'm retired and don't have to please anybody ( except those mentioned above daily ) if I don't want to. There is no reason for me to be vain. I have never had or ever will wear a thong.

But I do know this! As each of us age graciously, our body will not do the same. But you can help it along with proper diet and exercise. Get out and take a walk, do things around the house. ~~Smoke pot if you got it.~~ Do something at least once everyday that you enjoy. The best advice I got about all of this came from my oldest daughter Andrea, at least she will tell me if I look stupid in something. " Who gives a shit Daddy, your rich, retired and you got the three of us, just work on sticking around to enjoy it." Out of the mouths of babes.

To all my friends here on OS aging graciously, be well, be happy, and try to be healthy. We got things to stick around for. older/exasperated