Peter Hilton's Open Salon Blog

Globalization

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 00:08:09 -0400

Finally, a definition of globalisation

I can understand and to which I can relate,

Question : What is the truest definition of Globalisation?

Answer : Princess

Diana's death.

Question : How come?

Answer :

An English princess with

An Egyptian boyfriend

Crashes in a French

Tunnel, driving a

German car

With a Dutch engine,

Driven by a Belgian

Who was drunk

On Scottish whisky,

(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

Followed closely by

Italian Paparazzi,

On Japanese motorcycles;

Treated by an American doctor, using

Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by

An Australian,

Using Bill Gates's USA technology,

And you're probably reading this on your computer,

That uses Taiwanese

Chips, and a

Korean monitor,

Assembled by

Bangladeshi workers

In a Singapore plant,

Transported by Indian

Truck-drivers,

Hijacked by Indonesians,

Unloaded by Maltese wharfies,

And trucked to you by Kiwi freeloaders

That, my friends, is Globalisation!

Australia,enjoy a laugh.

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 22:07:57 -0400

Thought you might need a laugh,

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and HerveyBay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ....
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

____________________________ ______________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male popula tion? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

U N B E L I E V A B L E

The best Doctor in Australia

Wed, 3 Jun 2009 02:06:58 -0400

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I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer;
that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more
of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!!
It's the best feel-good food around

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways -
Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you

Visit Australia and Live a little.

Wed, 13 May 2009 19:05:42 -0400

I just had to share this gem with my fellow OSers.

This group of Australians obviously belong to Mensa

Enjoy.

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This is a true story with an excellent outcome.

On Thursday, 24th January 2002, Derek Guille broadcast this story on
His afternoon program on ABC radio . . .

In March 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia )
Received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed
$0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away. In April he received another bill
and
Threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note
stating that
They were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by
Return mail.

He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer
error and
They would take care of it . . .

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried
out the
Troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the
account it
Would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off.

He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once
again
And said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a
bill for
$0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill
was yet
Another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be
as good
As their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 This bill also stated that he
had 10
Days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to
recover
The debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at
their own
Game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed
his
Account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the
gas
Company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking
Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing
Writing cheque for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00
cheque
Had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could
Therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their
Customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the
computer to
Crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company
claiming
That his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and
unless he
Sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to
recover the
Debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim
against the
Gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at
the
Local courthouse that he was not joking.

They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were
Considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties
he had
Been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the
outcome was
This:

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system or Show
Cause,
Within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher
court for
Consideration under Company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonor fees incurred by all the Westpac clients
whose
Cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month
period March
To July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had
caused their
Client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00.

This story can also be viewed on the ABC website.

Who employs these idiots??

Remember, these "people" walk amoung us and breathe the same air we
do.

You can't say life here is boring.

Peter.

PS.

Thank you, cartouche.

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Happy Human,living inAustralia.

Sat, 20 Dec 2008 09:12:25 -0500

Born in Berlin,Germany,grew up in Sydney Australia,now living a quit life in Brisbane Qld.,

Like Movies ,People,and intelligent conversation.Have wicked sense of humour.