Paul J. O'Rourke's Open Salon Blog

Glenn Beck & The Tea Party Ghost

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 14:04:59 -0400

Dedicated to the Tea Party in recognition of Tax Day

He stood on the stage bathing in the adulation of the assembled dignitaries. The Nobel Prize! At last, his body of work had been given the recognition it deserved. As the standing ovation went on he thought of his critics. He knew they were watching. Did this great hall look like the rubber room where they said he’d spend the rest of his days bouncing? Ha! His struggle had been so worth the effort…

Glenn Beck was awakened from his dream of adequacy by the sound of a man clearing his throat. He sat up and, after rubbing the sleep from his eyes, saw a glowing white colonial ghost standing beside his bed.

“Who are you?”

“My friends call me Ben. We have been watching you for some time and see how loyal you are to our cause. I have been sent to grant you the privilege of attending the real Boston Tea Party, that you may then be able to advance our cause with more familiarity and fervor. We haven’t much time. Touch my sleeve and join the cause.”

Glenn reached out and in an instant was transported to colonial Boston. A group of men were parading down the street with purpose in their step and eyes. “This is it!,” he thought as he fell in beside a man disguised as an Indian and carrying a tomahawk.

“Hello, neighbor. My name is Glenn Beck, what’s yours?”

“We’re not using names tonight, friend, but because you volunteer yours, mine is Hewes. George Hewes. Now, as this is a task for arms and backbone, not lips, keep to the work and to yourself. There is no need for inquiry. If you become confused follow my lead.”

Their group boarded a ship and assembled on the deck. The man in charge told Hewes to get the keys so they could unlock the ship’s hold. The Captain surrendered them with no resistance. As the hatches were being opened Hewes motioned for Glenn to join him at the ship’s rail.

Soon crates of tea were being tossed at their feet. George chopped them open with his tomahawk before they threw them into the harbor. Glenn worked with a pride and patriotism far more intense than he'd ever felt before. They labored in silence without stopping, but as the men below deck got deeper into the hold there was time to rest.

During one pause George spoke. “I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed such a still night.” There wasn't even a hint of a breeze. The only sounds were the murmur of the crowd on the wharf, the tomahawks chopping and splashes made by the tea crates.

Glenn took this to mean he could now speak. “Yes, it is a still night.” He pointed at some ships anchored nearby. “Whose ships are those?”

“Those are British.”

“British?” Glenn was confused. “They don’t mind us taking tea from their ships?”

“These are American ships.”

“But the tea is British?”

“It belongs to the East India Company.”

"But the taxes made the tea too expensive, and we've been taxed enough already,” Glenn declared. "Get it? T-E-A, taxed enough already?" Glenn smiled at the thought of teaching George the modern Tea Party slogan.

A quizzical look appeared on George's face. "I'm afraid I don't take your meaning. The tax is a minor sum, yet still a problem, but the tea is cheaper now than before.”

“What? That doesn't make sense,” Glenn said. “How can that be?”

George looked upward and sighed at the thought of having to explain what he felt any patriot should know, and then spoke.

“It has long been the law that the colonies import tea only from England. Recently, because of the taxes and duties charged by the crown, our boycott and the Dutch tea smugglers, the East India Company’s warehouse became full of tea they couldn’t sell. They were near bankruptcy when Parliament and King George suspended the duties and taxes paid in England, and allowed the direct importation of tea to the colonies. That eliminated the price addition by the English brokers. They also granted East India a monopoly on our tea imports. Now, even as a small tax remains, the cost is less than what the Dutch are charging.”

It took a moment for Glenn to grasp the meaning of it all. “Let me get this straight. We’re on an American ship destroying a private company’s legally purchased product, even after they have, through tax cuts and market innovation, trimmed their overhead, eliminated the middleman, and brought you quality tea at a low price. George, I’m sure you think yourself a patriot, but you're attacking the very engine of liberty!”

George was not pleased with Glenn’s accusation. “I have no desire to be taxed without representation by Parliament and King or ruled by an incorporation! First a monopoly on tea, then who knows what next? Will they control everything we...”

“Socialist!” Glenn shouted as he pushed George over the rail into the cold water below.

Somebody cried out “Man overboard, get a rope!”

As three men attended to rescuing George, the rest began surrounding Beck. Glenn dropped to his knees and started stuffing loose tea in his pockets and pants. “This is private property. It must be returned. You don’t understand what you’re doing. You’re not following free market principles!”

As the men drew closer Glenn stood up. “You're waging class war! You are socialist fascists conspiring to destroy the free market system!”

Glenn held his hands up, using his fingers as quotation marks as he went into his Kermit the Frog voice:

"Oh, look at me. I'm a socialist and a theif, but I think I'm a patriot."

The men laughed. One said: "Look! He's casting a spell. He thinks he's a witch!"

"He thinks he's a Tory witch," their leader said. "Let's see if he floats!"

A few men grabbed Beck and lifted him over their heads. As a wet George was being hauled back to the deck, a screaming Glenn was sent flying into the drink, becoming the only tea bag thrown into Boston Harbor that night.

Glenn was treading water until he realized he was back in his bedroom, standing in front of the ghost.

“Well, Mister Beck, what have you learned tonight?”

“I hope this doesn’t offend you, Ben, but I don’t think those men truly knew what they were doing. Sure, the tax on tea was wrong, but that was a minor matter compared to their outright theft of private property and vandalism. They were only hurting themselves by protesting that way. The Boston Tea Party was a collectivist assault on the free market principles that make for a great nation. Those men, no matter what they intended, were traitors. I hope you don’t mind me saying that, but that’s how I see it.”

“I don’t mind at all,” Ben replied. “I quite agree. Sometimes in their passion about one issue men neglect to consider the larger point.”

“Exactly!” Glenn paused. “Come to think of it,” he said as he began to sob, “it’s obvious that this descent…” Overcome with emotion, he bit his knuckles softly and held his hand up to ask for time to recover. “…into socialist fascism began 239 years ago. No wonder the forces of destruction are so strong today!”

Ben nodded. “You have well learned the lesson of the Boston Tea Party, Mister Beck, even if you tend towards lacing your corset too tightly. I now must take my leave, confident that you will continue the battle for our cause in your own day. Never forget the lesson you learned this night, and never surrender.”

Glenn smiled. “I’ll never surrender the cause, and will always carry the honor of not only meeting Ben Franklin, but having you validate my beliefs.”

“Not Benjamin Franklin," the ghost said as he dissolved into darkness.

“Benedict Arnold.”

Only Newt Can Save The Republican's Rump

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 15:02:05 -0500

"This is how you create a Republican majority"

“A nuthouse divided against itself cannot stand.” A. Lincoln (sort of)

Trainasaurus Rex

Republican primaries used to be coronation ceremonies, the preordained king-in-waiting usually not long kept waiting. This one is a train wreck of B-list candidates trying to prove their conservatism by being the most dynamic dinosaur drinking from the primordial swamp. If there’s any hope of bringing the GOP back into the modern world the establishment has to get realistic about the true nature of their Republican Party.

The Party has been off the rails for a long time, but that became more obvious when the primary ran off the tracks. This headline I read last November describes the critical moment of departure:

As Cain, Perry Scramble, Gingrich Seeks an Opening

Given Newt’s randy reputation, my first thoughts were to question the syntax and hope Cain and Perry managed to escape. However, the story was about their dual collapse opening the way for the next not-Mitt. The reason this was the critical moment of primary 2012 has little to do with Cain or Newt, though. The establishment needed one A-list candidate who could placate the base without embarrassing the Party. Though he wasn’t their guy, that man was Rick Perry.

Blame the one who can’t talk

The on-paper Perry came to the race with everything needed to become the nominee. He had the right job, geography, denomination and a wad of petrodollars. If Texas Rick hadn’t proven to be no hat and all prattle, he would have won Iowa, South Carolina and Florida. The Party would be unified and Mitt would be working on 2016. It was Perry’s inability to effectively bark the dogma, blow the dog whistle and . . . whatever that other thing is, that caused the Party to disintegrate into a shameless war between competing sects.

The Republican Rump

The gang at the Republican National Committee didn’t think this election could be won, so they set it up to avoid an embarrassing loss. Mitt’s his turn would be the fought-the-good-fight sacrificial lamb while the supposed A-list candidates waited for 2016. The reason the establishment is upset over the base carving their lamb into chops is about Party image, not the “electability” Mitt’s presence and the A-list absence belies.

This battle is billed as establishment-v-base, but students of Republican pathology know we’re watching the long predicted splitting of the Party. The right-wing, southern-polarized, neo-confederate insurgents have stolen the Republican and conservative labels. The establishment has become the Republican Rump Party, the separate, vestigial brain of the GOP’s headless body politic.

There has been some confusion about what is meant by the Republican establishment label, caused mostly by the establishment’s kumbyada-yada about a unified coalition of concerns. They are either delusional or afraid to admit the shaming truth of their irrelevance. Besides the RNC-types, the Rumpublicans are represented by a handful of mainstream pundits pretending intellectual conservatism is still relevant and the base hasn’t gone insane. Their efforts are aimed at convincing the ever-diminishing northeastern Republican voters the Party can accommodate intelligent viewpoints.

The ravaging of Romney has presented a predicament, wrapped in a dilemma, inside a conundrum. If Romney is the nominee that loses to President Obama, the base will bear its fangs and blame the establishment for the loss. This will only further empower the New Republican Party, forcing the 2016 A-list candidates to undergo an even more radical cosmetic lobotomy to get past the primary voters. If they want to have any hope of winning in 4 years, the establishment has to turn the middle finger of recrimination towards the base without further alienating voters they’ll need.

The only way for the Rumpublicans to begin restoring the Party to sanity and regain control is to quit acting like Mr. and Mrs. Borden, thinking Lizzie will behave in the end. They have to get the base chopping on each other, and the only way they can do that is to back away from Mitt and subtley ensure Newt becomes the nominee that loses the election.

Praying for reign

Why not Rick Santorum?

If Santorum becomes the nominee, it will encourage the religious Right to more fully assert their power, leading to even bigger problems for the Rumpublicans.

Saint Rick the Chaste, the Vaticandidate, represents the Bishops and, as they lack an alternative, the evangelical Protestant potentates. Strengthening this hybrid of theocratic reactionaries can only result in a Holy Roller Empire. The unavoidably heretical Rumpublicans would be snatched up and burned at the stake, even before the theocrats started burning each other. Besides, if the GOP hopes to ever recover a sane image, the No Birth Control frothing needs to subside well ahead of November and the issue has Santorum all over it.

It’s best to leave the religious Right alone as much as possible because they are by far the largest, most organized segment of the base. Their leaders and voters know a blatant prig like Rick can’t win, but won’t tolerate religious attacks on their prig. They are generally pragmatic and can usually be placated with minimal pandering to morality and their status as victims of religious discrimination. Under normal conditions they’ll support the establishment candidate if he’s not a Mormon.

Because Righteous Rick can't be attacked directly based on his Party-debilitating religiosity, he has to be “out-conservatived.” Only Newt can do that.

The Newtclear Option

Newt gave birth to the more secular, media-driven segment of the base and set the tone and direction of the entire Party. Nobody can out-conservative the guy who defined the word in its current use. No person did more to "conservatize" the GOP than Newt who, years ago, blew-out the elephant’s brains.

Newt didn’t kill the elephant; he just shot-away the upper, thinking part of its brain. In technical jargon, he performed a ballistic lobectomy. The lower walk-breathe-shout-anger-resentment-fear part remains intact and defines the whole of the activist herd.

Newt began this mass lobectomy in 1986, when he took over GOPAC and started sending out 10,000 tapes each month to Republican candidates across America. He taught them the tactic of using sanctimony and nationalism while slinging invective at opponents. He created fast food-fight conservatism, standardizing the candidate menu so a shrill conservative accusation from Arizona tastes just like one from Florida. Newt is why the argument you had with your feverishly ideological and benighted Uncle Johnny last Thanksgiving will be the same next year.

He turned the GOP into a spewing army of self-replicating Newt clones, spreading across America like a brain-devouring virus, sending angry Republicans marching to the polls. He’s responsible for the careers of potty-mouthed pundits like Newt Limbaugh and the ungrateful Newt Coulter. He set the tone and level of talent at Fox Newts.

Newt, in a roundabout but very real way, give rise to the right-wing media-generated and uncontrollable Tea Party, the Rumpublican’s real enemy.

Newt – the goat-to guy

As tonight is probably the last GOP debate, Newt has to deliver a command performance. No problem, as he’s behind and will revert to form. Throw any of the traditional conservative scapegoats in front of Rick and the best he can manage is a weak slap or two. The guy can’t transcend his nebbish persona to do angry well enough to convince. Newt will bludgeon the goat until it’s dead and then drop his pants and violate the corpse, proving himself the most conservative candidate. The perforated pachyderms will once again stampede to their Mommy Dearest.

Family values reevaluation

Of course, Santorum will counter with trying to trip Newt over his multiple wives and infidelity. This is old news, so it won’t carry the hoped-for impact. Besides, the scandal was never that two people were making love to Newt; it’s that he was always one of them. This suggests the wives as surrogates and that Newt never really cheated on the one he loves. He didn’t ask to be born a megalomaniac, so can we not forgive his narcissism? Are we so callous we can’t see it’s an accident of birth and that none of his supposed infidelities would have happened if he was a man from Nantucket?

(That's how you spin it, Rumpublican pundits. It took me a few minutes to figure it out, so use it well.)

Conventional Wishdom

This grand plan to restore the Rumpublicans to power ends with a glorious Republican Convention. Newt, living his dream of being the Savior of Western Civilization, is carried to the dais by litter bearers, immune to double entendres. Rubber-gloved school kids lead the procession, pushing mop buckets and brooms. Newt delivers an inspiring speech, detailing his plans to make the Moon our 51^st state.

After that perfect lunacy, Newt will lose 40 of the 51 states and the yada-yada Yankees, no longer Rumpublicans, will regain control. Future candidates will be freed from having to act stupid to win the primaries. They’ll be able to speak their minds openly, without fear of Inquisition or lynching. The Republican Party will become a sober, realistic force, once again capable of competent governance, because, in the end, Lizzie will . . .

Damn. Now I see how the Rumpublicans became delusional.

Forget it, guys. The GOP is in the crapper.

You are no longer Masters of Your Domain and so must find a new one.

Whig.org is available.

A Conservative Solution to Conservative Solutions

Sat, 26 Nov 2011 13:11:58 -0500

A Saturday Repost

Ronald Reagan was our first Movement Conservative President.

He had a solution to what he saw as America's growing debt problem.

As you can see, we haven't had a problem with growing debt since then, except when Clinton disrupted the trend. Clinton was not a Movement Conservative.

Conservatives offered other solutions starting in 1981.

Below we see their solution to trade surpluses. (Red dot = 1981)

We no longer have to worry about pesky trade surpluses. Now they're China's problem.

Conservatives also had a similar solution to rising health care costs.

This chart compares American health care costs to other countries.

This is what conservatives mean when they say "American Exceptionalism."

We need a conservative solution to our conservative solutions.

I have a proposal.

We will charter an ocean liner.

We will send the conservatives on a mission to spread their ideas for national economic growth.

We will send them to China.

China has surpluses like we once did.

China has a positive trade balance.

China spends far less on health care.

I'm very confident the conservatives can help China turn it all around.

Problem solved, thanks to a conservative solution!

My Son gets TV Time as a OWS Spokesman

Thu, 17 Nov 2011 20:11:11 -0500

My son moved to the Big Apple almost a year ago and was in Zuccotti Park this morning, enjoying a day off of work (we enjoy politics). This is a clip from the NYC channel 7 WABC noon news program. The first interview is my son, PJ II, who did a very good job of making a few well moderated, on point statements. His part begins @1:25.

He showed up again on our Oklahoma local news as part of the ABC national news feed, though edited down to the last line.

Unlike being an extra on HBO's How to Make it in America, here he gets a few lines. He's more articulate than the last 2 Texas governors, so maybe this is the start of a career in politics.

Good job, son!

If the video misfires, here's a link.

A Supreme Court Cure for Obamacare

Fri, 7 Oct 2011 12:10:42 -0400

Wee, The People

The Supreme Court began this term faced with a double dose of dilemma. The Affordable Care Act dispute has reached their doorstep, both parties involved unworthy of entering the chamber. Instead of a simple health insurance solution, the Democrats delivered a political contrivance that has been damned with faint praise of its weak reforms.

The Republican opposition is concerned with ideology, not healthcare. They bring a politically fueled contrivance of a case, hoping to convince the Court to issue an equally contrived ruling.

In the ultimate People’s Court, The People’s concerns are mere small print footnotes.

The Supremes will probably take the case this term, but It would be unfair the blame the Court if it barred entry of this dispute. The mere presence of such popular indifference and political contrivance would stain the chamber.

I imagine the Supremes are thinking: “What’s a Justice to do?” I have a suggestion for how they can fix, not nix Obamacare to everyone's satisfaction. Once they realize how it can be amended to mend it, they should cure and not demur on hearing the case and issuing a ruling.

I'll explain how the fix can be accomplished, but to understand the simple beauty of the solution we must first explore the facts of the case.

Cut, Gut or...What?

While there are other, less critical Obamacare issues, it’s being dragged to the Court by that naughty appendage -- the Individual Mandate. This highly unpopular requirement to buy private market insurance is the star of the show. The questions the parties want the Court to answer are:

Is the mandate unconstitutional?

If it is, can it be severed from the entire law?

If the mandate is ruled unconstitutional and inseverable the entire law dies, even the popular parts. If unconstitutional but severable, the law lives on as best as it can without the clause it depends upon to apply the elements most Americans accept. If it’s ruled constitutional it retains that curse-blessing quality the public finds confounding.

If the Court shuns the repair and rules on those questions it will have a downside political impact for both sides in this partisan contest.

Adding to the politics is that if the Court agrees to hear the case this term the ruling will come out during the June heat of a presidential campaign summer. If they rule the mandate up or down, severable or inseverable, they will be seen as picking a winner and loser, which will only add to the campaign noise and finger-pointing.

Red and Blue Makes Purplessness

Some may wonder why I refer to this as a political contest, especially those few who think the Supreme Court is strictly about law above politics. There are several reasons. The Court can’t help but render a political decision on a case that is entirely about politics. The Obamacare law is inherently political, like all legislative acts, and was passed by Congress entirely on Democratic votes.

The case against Obamacare comes out of Florida, is covered with Federalist Society fingerprints and has been joined by the Republican Attorneys General of 25 other states. The 26ers’ argument is weak, so it relies on the unpopularity of the mandate to help it across the finish line. They’re aiming for political plausibility, not legal brilliance. You can tell that by observing the noise-to-logical argument ratio and their case makes a lot of noise.

The Case For Obamacare:

Take My Whiff -- Please!

Though popular opinion put a Public Option plan on the tee, Congress and the President looked at their campaign chests, decided a mandate pays better and then intentionally chunked the shot. The majority of Americans wanted Medicare, not Obamacare, as a universal system. If they had gotten what they wanted and deserved, this case wouldn't be in court, the Republican House wouldn't be serving Tea and the President's numbers wouldn't be jumping over decimal points.

The case for what is commonly known as Obamacare, a term the President has embraced (message: Obama cares!), is simple. To encourage the insurance companies (commonly known as those bastards) to accept things like ending arbitrary rescissions and pre-existing condition denials of coverage (screw you revenue enhancements), they need as many people as can be had to pay into the system.

That they should be mandated to do so avoids some people deciding to not pay until they need the insurance that, under the new law, can't be denied. The mandate also aims to keep non-payers from cost-shifting the expense of their healthcare by seeking unpaid services in hospital emergency rooms that cannot legally deny them care. This is very similar to the state laws that mandate liability coverage for your car to prevent Free Riders from shifting collision costs onto insured drivers.

The Case Against Obamacare:

It's Evel! Evel, I say!

This case involves two enumerated powers of Congress:

To regulate commerce among the several states

To make all laws which shall be necessary and proper for carrying into execution the foregoing power.

According to Paul Clement, who argued this before the 11^th Circuit Court, the 26er’s case turns on: "whether or not the federal government can compel an individual to engage in commerce." In this case, he's saying if anybody decides to not purchase health insurance they aren't involved in commerce and it’s improper to regulate their behavior.

As much as I have a perverse interest in the constitutional mechanics of this case, there's no need to peruse precedents as Clement and the 26ers' claim is facially absurd. Obamacare is plainly constitutional, as all Americans are engaged in healthcare commerce.

Insurance is about shared risk and those who buy it are in that insurers’ risk pool. Those who don’t have insurance are simply in the non-paying risk pool and would, without reasonable exception, seek healthcare services if they need them. The greater the need, the greater the want and they have a legal right to it, paid or not, in an emergency room. If unpaid, the cost is shifted to those in the paying risk pool.

Unless we disregard a shared wish for life and its physical quality, or legislate to satisfy the legal rights of the few engaging in masochism, the idea that not paying to cover that risk means people are inactive in the healthcare market is a fantasy.

Though the 26er team would never admit it openly, I get the feeling they’re well aware their claim isn’t about an extraconstitutional law, but an extra-Evel Knievel leap across the divide to Sophistan. Once it arrives in Sophistan it stays there, as the rest of their argument shows.

WWJCD?

The 26ers’ have certainly sought advice from the Federalist Society’s great legal scholars and litigators. After considering their scholarly case is flying on a right wing and a prayer, they asked the question devout conservatives should: WWJCD?

Indeed, What Would Johnnie Cochran Do? Of course! He would have played to the media and courts with a buzzword. The 26ers settled on: Unprecedented!

The fact is unprecedented has little to do with unconstitutional. I think the Justices will be feelin' the spirit of Cochran as they’re sipping a Un-cola and shifting uncomfortably to adjust their underwear while wondering if this unusual, unfounded, unworthy and untenable un-argument is unending. It seems the goal is to get them in a un thinking mood so they’ll agree it’s all unconstitutional.

The other reason is they figure if the Supremes can be convinced the lack of activity is accurate, therefore unprecedented, they might allow the 26ers to offer their unprecedented standard for Commerce Clause interpretation -- this specious creature they call “inactivity.” They're trying to tell the Court that if activity doesn't fit, you must add “it.”

The Slippery Schlep from Sophistan

Limit-y; Paternity; Broccoli!

Healthcare, being foundationally related to life and the primary cause of projected future federal debt (conservative policies being the primary cause of current debt), is unique in the insurance and economic marketplace. If unique, the cry of “unprecedented” loses its impact, as does the idea of a preordained limit to Congressional powers. To buttress the already logically crippled 26er argument, healthcare has to be made equal to other markets.

I’ll take these final parts of the 26er’s argument from the Florida District Court ruling. Judge Vinson is the 26er’s hero, ruling the entire Obamacare law unconstitutional. In his decision’s dithering dicta he repeats and agrees with the argument made in his courtroom and half-baked in the Federalist Society’s constitutional kitchen. This is about a desperate need for wall of Sophistanian monsters to hide the previous absurdities behind.

Good Judge Vinson fears if Congress can regulate inactivity by making some people buy health insurance, there’s no limit courts could apply to prevent Congress sending rampaging beasts to devour American suburbanites and then, adding to the carnage, borrow their lawnmowers and refuse to return them.

For some reason the Federalist Society, 26er group and the Judge have decided to pick on that most beneficial of vegetables -- broccoli. The Judge opines that, absent a limiting principle – a bright line Congress cannot cross – they could require Americans to eat broccoli. After all, it does contribute to health and, if the Individual Mandate is ruled constitutional, federal agents will soon come to your home and cram broccoli down non-voluntary throats.

The problem here is twofold. First, it is absurd to think Congress would pass such a law. Secondly, if they keep insisting on using this Nanny State as Mommy Dearest State scenario, it won’t be long until the trial lawyers get on board and an ad like this appears in your kid’s Weekly Reader.

Fortunately, I can help Judge Vinson find the evasive Limiting Principle, but it’s not hiding in the law or courts. To discover it, all he needs to do is run for Congress on an enforced broccoli consumption platform.

Slippery Schlep II – The Equal Sequel

Healthcare is to Car as House is to Healthcare as Car is to . . .

The source of his reasoning thus cleared by broccoli’s high dietary fiber, Judge Vinson continues editorializing.

He decides that if, as the Obamacare defense implies, people cannot be reasonably separated from a healthcare market that is having an adverse effect on the economy and debt, Congress can use any mandate to greatly expand its power (assuming they don’t have to be elected). Because the Individual Mandate presumes those required to buy insurance can afford it, he figures Congress can mandate home buying to those who can pay the price and because it boosts the economy. After all, everyone needs shelter, Congress will claim. The same is true of the automobile industry, and doubly so for, as the Judge says:

“Similarly, because virtually no one can be divorced from the transportation market, Congress could require that everyone above a certain income threshold buy a General Motors automobile --- now partially government-owned --- because those who do not buy GM cars (or those who buy foreign cars) are adversely impacting commerce and a taxpayer-subsidized business.”

In a *cough* unique moment of unintentional revelation, Judge Vinson adds:

“I pause here to emphasize that the foregoing is not an irrelevant and fanciful ‘parade of horribles.’ Rather, these are some of the serious concerns implicated by the individual mandate that are being discussed and debated by legal scholars.”

Not only does the Judge’s reasoning resemble a 4 year old's explanation of how Oogie Boogie Man crawls from closet to under bed after lights out, here he completes the youthful analogy with:

“But Mom, they did it too!”

The Supreme Court Cure for Obamacare

A Peter, in Principle

Fortunately for all concerned, the Court is Mount Olympus and the Justices are robed gods, unbound by Earthly tethers, specious arguments and lower court rulings. They can dampen the noise and avoid tripartite shaming by applying a Judicial Remedy; a cure that gives both sides a measure of victory and prevents soiling the Court's reputation. The naughty mandate appendage doesn’t need to be severed, just modified a bit or, Moyle to the point, snipped until it’s properly circumscribed.

Give the 26ers' what they want and also what they say is true already. Following the cures listed below, 2 constitutional interpretive applications under established doctrine are supplied. Justices, I've done the clerk work, all you need do is issue the ruling. Cure Obamacare and make Americans happy!

The New Obamacare Law

Cure 1 -- Satisfying the 26er Mandate Claim

At Last! A Public Option!

To avoid enslaving Americans with the Individual Mandate, the Supremes can rule those who don't want it can opt-out of paying for coverage. To ensure these liberty-loving citizens don't end up violating their implicit vow to not seek medical care at others expense, they will be required to indentify themselves as members of the Opt-Out pool. This can be done with tattoos, preferably the bar code type illustrated here, on the torso to avoid confusion arising from dismemberment. If the Opter is unconcious after being injured, the responding EMTs can use a hand held scanner to confirm name and uninsured status and then avoid violating the Opter's liberty by providing unwanted care.

Some Opters may have religious concerns or fear tatooing infections, so they will wear tee shirts like these to announce their status. Both of these products are for sale now, so click on the pictures to avoid the post-ruling rush. Be sure to inquire about special discounts for conservative and libertarian organization bulk orders.

Carrion, Thy Wayward Some

There will still be some financial considerations, but those are trivial compared to the cost of care. The injured urban Opter can create a health hazard by dying and decomposing in a public area. For these instances, federal funding will supply a supplemental grant to local dead animal pick up services. If dying after an unqualified entrace to a hospital emergency room, another subsidy to defray the medical waste disposal costs.

In rural areas, the Opter can be left on the roadside to rejoin nature. What the coyotes don't drag away, the buzzards will clean up.

The New Obamacare Law

Cure 2 -- Making Cars Like Healthcare

Introducing ObamaCar!

If your uninsured car is wrecked, you will be issued a new ride under the ObamaCar provison of the reformed law. The Obambulance will rush you to the closest government-private owned General Motors dealership where a cheerful salesperson will hand you the keys to the car your Obamassistant prescribes.

Can't pay? Don't worry, the costs will be shifted to the buyers who do. The dealerships will be open and ready 24 hours a day, every day.

All it Takes is Some Doctrin'

Method 1 -- Constitutional Alphabetism

(Bush v. Gore, 2000)

This method involves using same letters of the alphabet the Founders used to write the Constitution. Though the Bush v. Gore decision was written on an Etch-a-Sketch and then flipped and shaken the day after the ruling was issued, it still exists in the permanent record. It can easily be adapted to the current Obamacare ruling.

Method 2 -- Constitutional Origamism

(Citizens United v. FEC, 2010)

This method requires a little more work, but produces fantastic results. In the Citizen's United decision, the First Amendment was folded into a bird to deliver Americans speech so free it soars on the updraft of expansive liberty. Once foldability was established anything foldable was acceptable and the bird became money. Once the 14th Amendment was properly folded, a corporation became a person who owns a bird. With a few simple folds of the Enumerated Powers, the repair to the Obamacare law can be properly applied.

The Roll of the Court

We can all be thankful the Court has such interpretive tools to prevent staining the chamber with specious claims and constitutional contrivances. However, I would be remiss if I didn't inform the Court the Citizens United thing doesn't sit well with most Americans. If the Justices choose only one of the listed remedies to the Affordable Care Act...it should be ObamaCar. I get the feeling America thinks the Court owes us one.

We, The People await the decision, but due to the varied opinions and leanings of the Justices, the split on the Obamacare ruling isn't easy to predict. When it comes to the Roberts Court, it's a roll of the dice.