policywanker's Open Salon Blog

END OF WORLD ALERT! Time Traveling Palin Meets Present Self

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:11:27 -0500

END OF WORLD ALERT! Time Traveling Palin Meets Present Day Self

AP - Houston

NASA scientists have confirmed the possible dangers in an End of World Scenario that transpired yesterday. As every Sci-Fi scholar knows, when a time traveler comes face-to-face with him or herself in the past, present or future, a tear in the Time/Space Continuum occurs, wreaking possible mayhem and havoc on the generations to come.

An event of this magnitude was noted yesterday at the Ft. Hood Army PX booksigning of GOING ROGUE, where former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin was confronted by an angry Sarah Palin from the future. Harsh words were spoken before military police intervened and removed Future Sarah Palin from the premises. She appeared highly agitated and shouted loudly as she left.

Connie Watkins, a retired Ft. Hood floral designer, was standing in line as the incident occurred and overheard the altercation. "That future Palin lady was all kinds of riled up. She was saying stuff like, 'Stop before it's too late", "I'm begging you' and 'You will destroy America!'. It was all freaky-like. I had goose bumps, let me tell you."

When asked to comment on the confrontation, Gov. Palin merely shrugged and smiled, saying, "Gosh, you think she looked like me? She was real pretty, so I'll take that as a compliment."

Levi Johnston Re-enacts Famous Film & TV Shower Scenes

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 18:11:15 -0500

Levi Johnston Re-enacts Famous Shower Scenes from PSYCHO and OZ

PSYCHO
OZ

Johnston's Johnson - What's it worth?

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 13:11:32 -0500

Johnston's Johnson - How much would you pay to look at it?

AP - New York

After months of hyperbolic media speculation over how much meat Levi Johnston packs in his Levi jeans, Playgirl.com has released its first few images of the teen-aged Lolito in coy poses of seduction. But disappointing pedophiles and horny 'tween girls everywhere, the photographs show little more than you'd see at the beach.

The young Alaskan hustler does exhibit a remarkable sense of sexual savvy in what he calls his "Rear Entry" pose. He explained the image at a recent Press Conference at Playgirl's New York office, "What I'm saying in this shot is - you better be lubed-up good or I will punch your fucking lights out."

Playgirl spokesperson Mandy Tate recommended viewers to the pay-per-peek section of their website, where "more of the Alaskan heart-throb is offered, you know, in the skin department, if you get my meaning."

Johnston is quickly learning the tricky maneuvers of a media fame-whore. He dodged questions about his mother's three-year sentence for dealing Oxycontin by saying, "Look, I can touch my tongue to the tip of my nose... ladies..."

But when asked for his take on almost-mother-in-law Sarah Palin's book tour, he was more circumspect, "She's a cunt."

Ghost of Dead Oscar Mayer Crashes Wienermobile

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 14:07:11 -0400

Ghost of Dead Oscar Mayer Crashes Weinermobile

AP - Racine

Wiener mogul Oscar Mayer died recently at the age of 95. And apparently, he's not happy about it. Strange occurrences have been reported around the wiener factory and now, the famous Wienermobile.

Yesterday, Sally Blodsky, who drives the trademarked hot dog vehicle, lost control of it mid-turn and crashed into the Racine home of Nick Krupp. "I heard this old man's voice," Blodsky told police on the scene. "He was just screaming at me, you know, bossing me...'Turn here! Turn there! You're going too fast!' ...like some damn backseat driver. I just lost it!"

In the Oscar Mayer plant, workers claim to have seen a ghostlike figure hovering over the rendering vats. "It's the old man, all right," said longtime fat renderer Willie Sandinski. "He was a real S.O.B. always chewing my ass for nuthin'. Now he's dead, so screw him. I think they put him in the grinder."

"Where's the body?" shouted casings technician Tina Wiesnewsky over the roar of the sausage stuffer, " That's what I want to know. The old man lived for this company. I heard it's in his will somewheres - Put me in the meat, he says... that's what I heard, anyways."

No injuries were reported in the Wienermobile mishap. But police investigators are unable to explain the strange voices heard by the driver. Wisconsin Sheriff Deputy Danny Nodnick thinks there could be more to the story. "This may not be a simple case of dog bites house."

Pope Breaks Wrist in Masturbation Mishap

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 12:07:07 -0400

Pope Breaks Wrist in Masturbation Mishap

AP - Vatican City

Anonymous sources in the Catholic Church hierarchy are reporting the supposed "fall" that resulted in the pontiff's broken wrist was in actuality a moment of self-pleasure gone wrong.

Reigning Pope and Nazi Mastermind, Benedict XVI, was taken to hospital yesterday suffering from pains in his right wrist. Official reports claimed the Holy Voice of Christ on Earth took a fall in his apartment and that the injury was not serious.

But conflicting stories have emerged that point to Pope Ben's predilection for jacking off and osteoporosis as the real reasons for the broken wrist. "He's not as young as he thinks he is." the anonymous source went on, "Il Papa must take special care of his bones and his boners."