Poppi Iceland's Open Salon Blog

tempis fugit.....now slow down & give me my damn cereal

Sat, 7 Apr 2012 07:04:45 -0400

If the unexamined life is not worth living, why the hell are we all here? Indulge me in a little lunchtime philosophy.

CocoPuffs have been outlawed in Iceland. It seems the US made version causes obesity. Obamacare has snaked it's icy clutches into the great north. So now, inorder to save this great country, this Island, we must be vigilant in this war on CocoPuffs.

Better reopen the base at Keflavik, and start up the draft. We are under attack by invading breakfast food. Start the search! Let loose the dogs of war!

How do I know this? I am the ring leader, I am coocoo for CocoPuffs. It all started as a way to get my hyperlittle self to behave and stop setting off fire alarms in auntie and uncles fancy NYC apartment. Operant conditioning. Less sedating than the cough syrup my moder kept pouring down my throat and more fun to roll down those ramps at the Gugenheim.

Now, back to the issue at hand, Comrad Obama. You have your own country to screw with. Ours is messed up enough with Icesave, Landisbanki, all those corrupt politicos we throw rotten yogurt at. We have VAT and crappy tv reception. Our fishing industry is not what is used to be, but hey, we've got volcanoes and jeep tours. And very few fat people. We live a long time too, usually still working, not taking up space in a chair all day.

Now, here is a secret....pay attention, I am only going to tell you once. Americans eat too much. That's why they are fat. No one needs to eat enough food for three or four people to make it to dinner time. A drink of cola does not involve 1000cc of fluid. As for me, I am going to have a cereal bowl of CocoPuffs and go for a walk. Not a serving bowl, or a pasta bowl.

Not a supersized platter that looks like it could hold a side of beef.

Or a hubcap from one of those 1950s cars.

This has been a message from the Ministry of Stupidity.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

The Saga of Bjorney and Soley Pt 2

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 10:01:05 -0500

So, glad to be home! I finished the last sentence and closed my journal. Bebe kept trying to read it all the way back from New York. She's so nosy. I put my journal in my train case. That one I still cannot figure out. Why I need a train case to fly on a plane? But, the stewardesses all think it is lovely and ask where I got it. Look out Bloomingdale's, you are about to be raided by the viking sky princesses of the North. The man in the luggage department thought it was strange we were from Iceland. Wait till he meets these girls! They are far more beautiful than I will ever be, and taller than I can ever hope for.

The best part about going home is the welcoming committee at the airport. It's nice to have everyone waiting to see you after being gone for a million years.

Nora is sitting on a bench looking bored. Actually, she is just pissed because she was supposed to come with us, but got grounded.

Oh, God, what is Bjorney doing! I smacked myself in the head.

He's holding a sign up with my name and a big red heart. He hasn't changed in the past three months. He's such a little kid. I'm twelve, that's practically grown up.

"I missed you!" he exclaims, "Do you like the sign? It's to welcome you home."

"I am so glad you are back, he's been driving me crazy, Poppi-girl! mopey and asking me if you miss him." said Nora.

"Shut up, Nora, you missed her too!"

"Yeah, but you were like Catherine roaming the moors for Heathcliff, so pathetic, Bjorney." smirked Nora.

"Shut up, NORA! So, did you miss me, Soley? I missed you! A lot"

"I missed both of you! Now I want to go home. I have jet lag and I have to eat some spinach so I don't get blood clots and die. or have to eat rat poison, that's the only antidote for blood clots."

"Poppi-girl, you say the strangest things," Nora rolled her eyes and laughed.

"No she doesn't, Nora, just shut up and stop calling her Poppi, it sounds strange." said Bjorney, carrying my suitcase and train case.

"It's English, dummy, if you paid attention, you would know that."

"QUIET! All of you! We're not even out of the baggage claim and you three are bickering like a bunch of rabid chickens" said Daddy.

"Daddy, chickens don't get rabies, it's a disease of mammals" I corrected him.

"Draumsoley, Bjorney, Nora. Put the cases in the back of the truck, get in the truck and try not to kill each other on the ride home. Bebe sit in front."

******************

"I brought you guys some presents, come over tomorrow when I am unpacked and you can have them."

"Thanks Popsi-Cola, did you get records and jeans?" asked Nora.

"Tons of them!" I laughed, "I got something cool for you Bjorney, besides records and jeans. But you have to wait until tomorrow"

******************

A loud thunk woke me the next morning.."just Nora climbing in the window" I ignored her and went back to sleep.

I felt something rub my head. "If she is putting nail polish stripes in my hair I will kill her" Then I felt it, little kisses on my forehead.

"Get away! Stop kissing me, you're being a masher! God, Bjorney, can't you control yourself." I said as I pushed him off my bed.

"I missed you, Soley! What's masher?"

"It's a kind of pervert they have in New York, especially on the subways. When they get caught they go to Riker's Island."

"I'm not a pervert masher guy!"

"Do I have to spell it for you? You climb in the window, rub my hair and then start kissing me. That's a masher! Come back later and I'll give you the present. I have to sleep off this jet lag. You are so lucky I didn't punch you this time" I said as I flicked my thumb of his forehead three times, "GO! Come back at one!"

"You didn't punch me because you liked it and you love me!"

"I'm twelve, Bjorney, the only guy I love is my dad. Now go, before I scream there's a masher in my room."

*********************

He came back at one. I was slumped over the table trying to drink my coffee and wake up.

Dad handed Bjorney the big box from FAO Schwartz.

"You got me a race car, Soley, you are the best. I love you!"

"You're welcome. I'm glad you liked it."

"This is the best!" He exclaimed and kissed me on the cheek.

"Bjorney!" I scolded him. "NO KISSING!"

Daddy laughed and shook his head.

"I think that was just a thank you for the nice present kiss, wasn't it Bjorney?"

"Oh, yeah, thank you that's all, Soley. I wasn't being a masher"

The Saga of Bjorney and Soley Pt 1. Suckerpunch

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 12:01:08 -0500

"Will you be my girlfriend and marry me, Soley?" Bjorney asked with a grin.

"No, go away!" I replied.

"But, I am the right guy for you, open your eyes and you will see that!"

"Bjorney, it will never work. We are very different. I'm older than you. That makes a big difference."

"But it's only three years, not even three full years."

"No, you do not understand. I am mature and you are not. I am organized and you are not. Oh, don't cry like a little baby, when you are seven like I am, you will understand why. Now go play with your friends."

*******************

"Happy Birthday, Bjorney!" I said handing him his present.

"I'm seven now, so that means you can be my girlfriend now!"

"Bjorney, you're wrong again. You may be seven, but I am ten going on twenty. You have a lot of catching up to do."

"Will you still ride dirt bikes with me?"

"Sure as long as you don't tell people I'm your girlfriend, cuz I'm not"

"OK, I promise," he replied leaning towards me to kiss me.

"Bjorney, NO!" I screamed at him and punched him in the mouth.

"Soley, you are crazy, you hit me. Damn, I'm bleeding!"

I hopped on my bike and went home. An hour later the doorbell rang. Daddy answered it. I could hear Bjorney's mother screaming.

"Look what your crazy girl did, she gives my son a birthday present, then she punches him and splits his lip open!"

I peek around the corner, Bjorney waves at me.

"Hi, Soley!"

I run to my room.

"Get out here now!" my father yells. Damn, in trouble again!

"What, Daddy?"

"Nevermind, 'what'! Look what you did! Why did you punch him?"

"Well, uh, because, you know, uh...."

"It's my fault," said Bjorney. "I tried to kiss her and she got mad. I'm sorry"

"I don't want to get pregnant, I had to punch him! Ma says kissing leads to pregnancy."

Daddy and Bjorney's mom Catarina start laughing.

Then Daddy gets all serious and looks at Bjorney.

"What are your intentions young man? Why are you trying to kiss my little girl?"

"I want to marry her, sir. I'll take good care of her, I love her."

"Oh, horsepoop, I'm going to vomit!" I reply.

"Go to your room!" Dad yelled at me.

"Catarina, your son and I are going to go for a walk and have a talk, man to man."

I watched from my window as Catarina headed home, and Dad and Bjorney headed down the road towards town. I was tempted to follow them and eavesdrop. I was tempted to call Nora and have her follow and listen in, but something made me stop.

Whatever it was that Daddy had to say, had to be important. Guy stuff. Bjorney's dad was long gone. My dad was the closest he had to an adult male in his life. I couldn't be nosy this time. I shut the window.

"Nice sucker punch, Soley. I don't think he deserved that"

I looked up and Uncle Jake was standing in the door way.

"Bjorney scares me sometimes, he keeps going on about love and wanting to marry me. It's not normal."

"He has a crush on you. Give it time, it will wear off."

******************

And so it began, the dance of crushes and courting that has gone on for ages.

The Unwanted Reunion

Sun, 15 Jan 2012 14:01:14 -0500

"Here she comes, the uber mother with six ducklings in tow", I think to myself. "Why did I agree to this? Coffee with the queen of Schaedenfraude"

I hate reunions, even something as simple as meeting a former classmate for coffee. I hate the bug under the microscope, let's see how the weird girl turned out, sick to my stomach feeling I get. I hate the small talk, the searching for a common bond that does not exist beyond the fact that we happened to be in the same school, at the same time, on the same planet. Unfortunately, we bumped into each other at Eyemundsen's Books.

I should have said "No, sorry, too busy" and walked away. But no, I was polite and agreed to meet for coffee at Hotel Borg.

"Soley, there you are, I almost missed you hiding over there!"

"I'm in center at a table for ten, Janette, I'd hardly call that hiding."

"Let me get the little ones settled," she said as she began to arrange her children around the table. "I love this place, it makes me feel young and trendy again."

"Oh yes, got to be young and trendy again. Do you think we'll be young and trendy again if we come here in our 80's, Janette?"

"You haven't lost your sense of humour, Soley"

and you still cannot distinguish sarcasm, I thought.

Janette filled me in on the latest news of our former classmates. It seems she is the CIA/Gladys Kravitz of our school. If you need to know anything about anyone, chances are she has a dossier on them.

Except for me. It turns out my travels and frequent moves have kept me off her radar screen. My own little cloak of invisibility. Bjorney has been a big help. She has come by his boat and house many times over the years to ask what I was up to, did he finally marry me?

He'd reply with the same answer everytime.

"No idea, haven't seen her in forever"

She tried getting info from my parents. Dad would look at her, stern faced and say "We do not know where she is, we haven't heard from her in ages."

We all found it amusing considering I was either on the boat or in the house on several of her fact finding trips.

****************

"So, I have heard rumours about you, Soley, and I have been dying to find out if they are true. People do ask about you, you are something of a mystery to them."

"Ask away, just don't let the Lilliputions tie me up and poke me with pointy sticks." I reply looking at the kids gathered around the table. The sarcasm is lost on her, the two oldest boys get it and laugh.

She pulls out a notebook with pages of questions and a pen.

"The man you married in the states, the one you dumped Bjorney for, he was some type of royalty?"

huh? royalty? dumped Bjorney? welcome to the twilight zone!

"Yes, he was a prince of a small principality" I reply trying to keep a straight face.

"And you gave that all up?"

"It was a hard thing to do, but it was a matter of national security" I say, looking furtively round the room.

"Tell me all the details! I'm dying to know!"

"That's the problem, Janette, there's a lot that I cannot discuss."

"Soley," she says in a loud whisper, "Are you a spy?"

"Can't talk, Janette, it's too dangerous to talk" I reply looking at the two older boys. They are rolling their eyes. "You know, loose lips sink ships" I make a zipping motion over my mouth.

"OOOH, this is exciting, children, momma's friend Soley is a SPY!" she exclaims loudly. Every eye in the room turns to our table. I want to laugh, but I can't.

From the corner of my eye, I see a flash of orange, catch a scent of fish and salt water, then feel a tap on my shoulder. Bjorney?!

"Soley, you've got to go, now! It's urgent!!" he exclaims pulling me out of the chair.

"Sorry, Janette, gotta run, nice to see you again!" I call out as Bjorney pulls me to the door.

Bjorney has his motorbike parked at the curb.

"Your get away vehicle, madam!" he hands me a helmet.

"Thanks for the rescue!" I laugh as he speeds us out of Reykjavik, leaving a puzzled Janette looking out the hotel window.

*********************

Later that night, over cold beer and fresh grilled fish on the boat, I found out why Bjorney rescued me.

"It was driving me crazy, Soley. I couldn't stand the thought of that magpie interrogating you. I came in early and hopped on the bike, I was worried I would be there too late."

"Too late for what? To save me? I think I handled it quite well."

"Actually, I was worried she would make you mad and I would have to bail you out of jail."

"Hey, I can handle her and her gossip, I'm a spy, remember?"

"But are you the spy who loves me, I'm sure Janette is still trying to figure that out"

"I'll never tell, national security you know," I laughed flicking a beer cap at him.

The View Around Here

Sat, 14 Jan 2012 16:01:08 -0500

It's hard to describe, this view. To many, it seems boring, the same everyday. Lava fields, ocean, fishing boats, dark skies. Each has it's own magic that changes everyday. You just have to look for it.

It's still dark most of the time. We gradually earn a few precious minutes of sunlight each day.

People tell me, oh it must be so sad when the sun goes away. I really enjoy the darkness of winter. It has a beauty all it's own.